October 31, 2008
Either a great idea, or a collosal FAIL with AIDS
During one of Caroline and my usual IM conversations, the thought occurred to set our unique silliness to cartoon format. Here's what emerged. Will it become the next big Web-based comic to sweep the InterWebs? Probably not, but it still struck me as funny.
UPDATE: Oh, why not. Here's a second comic:\
CAROLINE UPDATE: Caroline submitted a non-stick figure cartoon. We'll let you judge which approach is better. Caroline's the far better artist; but my abstract stick figures can't be dismissed off-hand. Click on the thumbnail below for the full-sized image.
First!
I just received my first-ever cell phone text message spam. I feel so special, in that "oh, great, is this the next bullshit thing I have to look forward to?" sort of way.
October 30, 2008
Remembrance
Remember back before the 2004 election, and all those people who were convinced of an October surprise, and others claiming BushCo would cancel the election and impose martial law?
I wish we had that kind of measured sanity this time around.
*sigh*
Hole in the Wall
A work day is made that much more anxious when you know, in the back of your mind, that a carpenter is working in your house, making a large hole in one of your walls, when temperatures can get pretty cold at night.
I Weep For the Future
When MSNBC.com runs a Newsweek headline "What Ashley Judd Learned in Africa," you just kind of have to give up on the world, because man, it's gone.
October 29, 2008
Getting the hang of this new job thingee
Although I've been basically inundated with with a dizzying barrage of medical terms, conditions, treatments and overall jargon, I think I can confidently state I'm starting to absorb at least some of it now after five months on the job.
I base this on the fact I watching and episode of "House," earlier this week, during which the patient was diagnosed with "pheochromocytoma," and I was all like "Hey, I know what that is; I updated some content about that!"
So, yeah. Pheochromocytoma. Who knew?
Geode Twins Media Analysis
Ryan says: Love this headline: "As economy burns, does media fan the flames?"
Caroline says: It's hot!
Ryan says: Right along headlines like: "New president's economic clout not assured."
Ryan says: "Analysis: Likely rate cut may have little impact."
Caroline says: blah-di-e-blah-blah
Ryan says: Ironical.
October 28, 2008
P-B Anti-Matter
Caroline says: Top story on PB? "It's not too late to get a pumpkin"
Caroline says: PHEW!
Ryan says: I saw that earlier.
Ryan says: I realize they're trying to uber-focus on local stories, but sometimes they try so hard they FAIL spectacularly.
Caroline says: The top story should be "We kind of suck ... hard"
Ryan says: We should start a newspaper that specifically refutes everything the P-B runs with.
Caroline says: "It's too late! Pumpkins are GONE! All GONE!"
Ryan says: "The Great Pumpkin Famine of 2008!"
Caroline says: That's not a Charlie Brown special, is it?
Ryan says: Somebody, please feed the Great Pumpkin!
Caroline says: Nom nom nom
Ryan says: Other headlines for our Anti-PB newspaper: "Could cold-case answers be in the cards?"
Ryan says: "Cold case answers absolutely not in the cards!"
Ryan says: "Deck full of jokers, study shows."
Caroline says: If you thought cold-case answers were in the cards, you were WRONG!
Caroline says: I think we'd keep "Diary of a wolf nanny" though
Caroline says: 'Cause that's too awesome to change.
Ryan says: Did you check out their online poll?
Ryan says:
"Haven you ever been bitten or threatened by an animal?"
Caroline says: LOLO!
Caroline says: Animal threats=awesome
Caroline says: "Give me all your money or you die," said the kitten.
Ryan says: "That wolf threatened to both huff AND puff!"
Dino Droppings
Caroline says: Headlines like this crack me up: Jonas Brothers to Star in Farting Dog Movie
Ryan says: I'd go see that.
Ryan says: It should be a farting dinosaur though.
Ryan says: Flatusaurus Rex.
Ryan says: Welcome, to Gastric Park.
Caroline says: Farting dinosaurs have low blood pressure.
Caroline says: Population: toot
Ryan says: Velocicraptor.
Ryan says: You can always smell them coming.
Ryan says: Stagnantsaurus.
Caroline says: Skidmarkasaurus
Ryan says: No fair using pet names for your husband!
If all goes to plan
The wife and I will be carving pumpkins tonight; I found some stencils online, so we'll be carvinating McCain and Obama pumpkins. I'll try to post pictures when they're all carved up.
October 27, 2008
Not a moment too Zune
I had almost given up all hope of winning anything from Pepsi during their current sweepstakes promotion; the odds were pretty well stacked against me. Well, today the wife checked the mail, and lo and behold I'd won an 8 GB Microsoft Zune.
Mind you, I have no idea what a Zune is, but it retails for about $250, so there's that.
Enough already
Somebody, somewhere, simply has to tell me how in the name of Jesus' penis comment spammers benefit from their comment spam. I've been deleting the crap for years, and I still can't quite wrap my mind around the business angle of comment spam.
E-mail spam I can kinda, sorta see, because there are enough idiots to fall for the lure of Nigerian royalty, and the siren call of millions of dollars. But comment spam? I just don't get it.
October 24, 2008
He who smelt it, dealt it
And, he who smells it, also has blood pressure that's 120/80.
I've actually known about this phenomenon for years, and I've spent entire days just sitting in clouds of my own flatulence, like Darth Vader in his hyperbaric chamber. I knew, deep down, that I was simply self-regulating my blood pressure.
So, to all of you who have complained about me smelling "sour," or being "disgusting," or who asked if I "shit my pants" or commanded me to "open a goddamned window, for the love of God!", well, I'm just here to say "YOU'RE WELCOME!"
Honestly, here I've been the equivalent of Johnny Appleseed for 33 years, spreading copious amounts of blood pressure medication around the planet, on trains and planes, in movie theaters, in cars, at Vikings games; if you can name a place, chances are good I left some blood pressure medication there. And I've done all of this FOR FREE! You ungrateful peasants.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some blood pressure medication to dispense. I'm sure SOMEBODY will complain.
Ass-Sault
I was at an ATM last night, simply minding my own business and withdrawing $60; when suddenly a 6'3", 200 lb., Arabic man attacked me at knife-point. It was bad enough that he took my $60 and gave me two black eyes, but then he asked me who I was voting for, and I said "I'm not sure, but I've heard good things about this George W. Bush fellow," and he became so enraged, he beat me even worse, yanked down my pants, and carved a backwards "B" into my ass.
Graphic photographic proof in the extended entry. . .
October 23, 2008
Burning Down the "House"
Caroline says: I just realized ... did you know Omar Epps' character is named Dr. Eric Foreman?
Ryan says: That 70s House!
Caroline says: Word
Ryan says: Do you get the feeling the writers are being unnecessarily difficult on "13?"
Caroline says: Nah
Caroline says: They killed Amber, so it could've been worse.
Ryan says: Okay, me stupid. Me not know who Amber is.
Caroline says: Oh, boy. That was from last season.
Ryan says: Hey, I'm still kind of a House virgin. Be nice.
Caroline says: I'm nice. I feel bad I spoiled it by telling you they killed her.
Ryan says: Wait, was Amber Wilson's girlfriend or something?
Caroline says: Yes.
Ryan says: Nah, I guess I picked up on that during the latest episode.
Ryan says: Do you remember that episode where Amber waves to Wilson in the cornfield?
Ryan says: It was titled "Amber Waves At Grain."
Caroline says: Of thee House sings
Ryan says: LOL!
Pop
During jiu-jitsu class last night, we were doing judo throws during warm-ups. A new guy showed up for class, and I was paired up with him to give him some pointers and such.
When it came time for the new guy to perform throws on me, he seemed to be doing just fine. . . until about the fourth throw, at which point I felt him hoist me up on his hip, and then there was this sickening popping sound, and then it just seemed like he disappeared from beneath me; all previous hip support just instantly melted away and I just kind of fell to the mat, while the new guy rolled away, clutching his knee and groaning.
Apparently, he's had some ACL tear issues in the past, with no real medical attention to rectify the problem. Honestly, if you've had a history of ACL problems, you probably shouldn't be attempting to balance an additional 175 pounds on a compromised knee.
He did eventually walk out of the gym, but holy hell that pop sounded nasty. I'm still shuddering today, thinking about it.
October 22, 2008
Can We Get This Over With, Please?
At this point, I don't care much who wins the election one way or the other. All I know is, come election night, I'm going to mix a nice Crown Royal and Coke, and just celebrate the damned thing being over FINALLY.
At least until the Florida recount. . .
News FAIL
Ryan says: Have you noticed that MSNBC.com has kinda become a useless source for news?
Caroline says: Well yeah
Ryan says: They seem to have adopted the Chicken Little approach to headline news.
Caroline says: I can has Chicken Little Journalism?
Ryan says: Man, they offered that class in college, but I never took it.
Caroline says: Me neither. It said the course was worth 8 credits, but it was really only worth 3.
Ryan says: HA!
Ryan says: That's worth a gold star for the day!
Caroline says: Yay! And it's barely past 9 a.m.! The day is young.
"HOUSE" UPDATE:
Ryan says: Oh, and by the way, that whole "brown recluse" spider aside last night; totally an excuse to tittilate the audience with more girl-fondling-girl action.
Caroline says: Yeah, that didn't get past me either.
Ryan says: I mean, I'm not complaining, mind you. But obvious is obvious.
Ryan says: It may have prompted a half-chub, but it was tempered by my eye-rolling.
Caroline says: I think next time I hear the song "Love Shack," I'm going to scream "Half-chub TEMPERED!" instead of "Tin roof RUSTED!"
Ryan says: You'll forget by then.
Ryan says: Tempered Half-Chub sounds like a specialty sandwich.
Caroline says: Don't forget the au jus!
Mistakes. Learn From Them.
That Minnesota could elect Jesse Ventura governor, and then seriously be considering electing Al Franken to the Senate 10 years later, tells me this state is pretty much a collective failure as a voting entity.
Not that Norm Coleman is a great alternative or anything, but Al Franken has been annoying me since I was a child watching SNL.
October 21, 2008
The Geode Twins Are Back!
Ryan says: Watched "Zohan" last night.
Caroline says: And?
Ryan says: You know, as stupid as it was, there were some pretty damned funny scenes.
Caroline says: Good to know.
Ryan says: It takes awhile to get to the funny stuff. Consider yourself warned.
Caroline says: "It takes awhile to get to the funny stuff" should be my motto.
Ryan says: Tattoo that on your ass.
Caroline says: oooh, an Asstoo!
Ryan says: Also called a "Tramp Stamp."
Caroline says: No, no. That's not on the ass. That's on the lower back, above the crack.
Ryan says: You little poet.
Caroline says: I'm a little poet, short and stout
Ryan says: Here is my tramp stamp, and hey, I put out.
Ryan says: "A black puppy decked out in a red, white and blue bandanna jumped out of his crate and wagged his tail at the airport Monday, three flights and two days after leaving Iraq en route to his new home with a U.S. soldier" Link.
Ryan says: That's a solid P-B lead story, if ever there was one.
Caroline says: What a lead
Caroline says: Is there a picture with the caption "Jumpin' and waggin'"?
Ryan says: What if the puppy tucked its tail between its legs and whined?
Ryan says: What would that say about America?
Caroline says: FAIL. Send puppy back to Iraq.
Ryan says: To the puppy shield ranks with that one!
Caroline says: Puppy shields: not as effective as kitten shields
Ryan says: Also gracing the P-B: "Mall of America plans to erect taller fence."
Caroline says: Scha-wing!
Caroline says: The PB gives us lots of material. Thanks, PB.
October 20, 2008
In honor of Target's Halloween Mascot
You know, some things just keep making me laugh, even years after I first saw them. This is one of those things.
Lazy to the n-th Power
Rather than rake leaves over the weekend, I opted instead to mow my lawn, turning the leaves into several little leaflets, which I've convinced the wife is actually good potential fertilizer for next spring.
October 17, 2008
October 16, 2008
It's Like "24" Only Completely Different
I'm in the shower this morning, shaving my head and basically minding my own business, when suddenly I realize my cell phone is ringing somewhere in the house.
At which point I nick the back of my head with the razor.
I tumble out of the shower, slipping across the living room hardwood floor and stepping briefly on the tail of a cat (which screams its displeasure before racing down to the basement to sulk).
I locate the phone and answer it, to hear my wife on the other end frantically explaining how she can't find the location she's supposed to be to catch a two hour bus ride to some interior design function she's going to attend.
I slip and slide my way to my office computer, call up Google, and try to make sense of the map that eventually appears. The wife has eight minutes to catch her bus. DAMN IT!
I zoom out the map, trying to figure out what the hell I'm looking at, and eventually realize, much to my chagrin, the location she's trying to reach is embarrasingly close to where we live.
"It's close to where we walked to last weekend!" I say.
"That doesn't do me any good!" she responds.
Six minutes remaining. DAMN IT!
"Remember?! That one place where we walked to?!" I repeat helplessly.
"Oh. . . oh! Where we walked! Before going home?!" she replied, in a sentence that made sense only to the two of us. "There it is! I see it!"
And so, today's first crisis was averted. On to the next one.
October 14, 2008
Reality Check
You know, even though I've been blogging now for over six years, and even though I came to terms with the fact pretty much anyone can happen across this little corner of the Internet, it's still mildly disconcerting to learn new co-workers have discovered your blog.
October 13, 2008
Good God
MSNBC.com headline:
"He’s Dem, she’s GOP — and they're married!"
I mean, seriously. This warrants a news article? Two people. . . with opposing opinions. . . are married. Stop the presses.
It's the exclamation point that really gets me. It's like saying "How is this possible?!"
Come to think about it, this should be expanded into a novel or movie.
"There's was a fragile love, fraught with political division. He believed in limited government and free markets; she championed universal health care and abortion rights up through and including the second tri-mester. Yet, despite these seemingly insurmountable odds, they found each other. . . and fell in LOVE!"
Then again, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see such a headline on MSNBC.com. They're also running with, what, their 25th straight article about Tina Fey? Someone on the editorial staff totally wants to bang Tina Fey; it's SOoooo obvious.
Bra Epiphany
Jody says: have you seen Iron Man?
Ryan says: I saw it in the theater. Good flick.
Jody says: yes...its one that I didn't watch closely enuf and need to watch again for more details
Jody says: i loved Robert Downy Jr's dry humor
Ryan says: Isn't he supposed to be in jail for drugs?
Jody says: all the time it seems
Ryan says: So, jail is kind of like home for him?
Jody says: must be
Ryan says: I always picture him with a bra on his head in "Weird Science."
Jody says: LOL
Jody says: that was a classic 80's movie
Ryan says: Which, by the way, Wyatt only had his brother, Chet, which means the bras they wore HAD TO HAVE BEEN Wyatt's Mom's.
October 10, 2008
Learning to Ride a Digital Bike
You know, after 10 years of writing articles for newspapers, magazines and online newsletters, I'm finding it rather tricky to navigate this new writing world I find myself in now.
Now it's all about crafting text that will hopefully score big with search engine optimization (SEO) by targeting keywords and placing those keywords strategically within the text and in specific Web page design elements. It really is a whole different writing discipline requiring a whole new way of thinking.
The narrative approach of traditional journalism outlets that I've grown accustomed to is being retooled by this SEO content targeting model. I'm having my own difficulties learning this new writing style, but I'm adaptable, and for the most part the SEO format and rules pretty much make sense. Also, if the people around me are to be believed, the ability to write successful SEO content is a seriously valuable job skill, so there's that, which is nice if it's true.
But if SEO is the wave of the long term future, traditional online news outlets have a LOOOOOONGGGGGGG ways to go to even think about catching up.
Cats and Dogs, Living Together
Only on MSNBC.com can you see the headline "Is this the end of American capitalism?" and further down you see "Why sled dogs are super dogs."
Oh, also, President Bush needs to stop talking. Every public word he says about the economy makes the Dow drop 20+ points.
October 09, 2008
Are we there yet?
So, when do stock traders start jumping off tall buildings?
Reminds me of when the NASDAQ plummeted from around 5,000 (March, 2000, if I remember right) to below 2,000 about a year later. As I recall, I lost my job a few months after that. So, yeah, I'm a little concerned here.
I was originally pretty confident the DJIA would level out around 8,000. After this last week, I'm not so sure.
Godwin!
I was just going along, minding my own little workday, when Fark went and delivered another LOL gem:
If Fark didn't exist, I'd like the Internet 60 percent less.
Progress
I suppose I should be grateful that the spam e-mail I receive now has diminished to about one a day, and it usually has to do with "Affordable Viagra."
I didn't realize Viagra had become un-affordable. I really need to get out more.
Penis.
October 08, 2008
October 07, 2008
Evidence of an Economic Downturn
Well, it's official: the economy is in the process of becoming a smoking pile of debris. I've come to this conclusion based off considerable scientific evidence, which I'll detail here, for your convenience.
First and foremost, the number of news articles featuring images of Wall Street stock traders with their faces buried in their hands is up a staggering 900 percent from this time last year. Stock trader face burying images are a key economic indicator. When you see images of stock traders pumping their fist in the air, or shaking hands with colleagues, you can surmise the economy is strong. Face burying images, on the other hand, do not bode well.
Secondly, I've noticed rampant use of the term "meltdown" in reference to the financial sector. Now, "meltdown" as it's commonly known refers to a failed nuclear reactor, which melts down and causes people to grow extra fingers and toes. Therefore, extending the term meltdown to the financial sector would seem to indicate something pretty monumental. Come to think of it, it's kind of hard to envision a financial meltdown; oh, sure, you could melt down the coins, but the paper money would tend to burn up rather than melt down. Either way, it spells economic trouble.
Back during the early days of the financial meltdown, I witnessed another key indicator of impending economic duress. My wife is an avid fan of "The Suze Orman Show," which features a cute woman with sun bright teeth who yells at her callers for making bad financial decisions. My wife takes down notes during each show, and then doesn't do anything with those notes.
At any rate, during the early days of the financial meltdown, Suze Orman suddenly appeared on television for about 20 minutes, reassuring people about their financial situation and imploring them not to make hasty decisions. Throughout the 20 minute special appearance, there was an incessant backdrop of drums being played urgently and, I might add, annoyingly. Maybe it's just me, but 20 minutes of urgent drumming while a woman with snow white teeth tries to reassure a nervous viewership, doesn't seem to indicate economic stability.
Additionally, last week, my banking institution sent me a letter assuring me my financial assets were secure. Now, I'd never before been sent such a letter; I've been banking at my financial institution for the better part of a decade, and the only thing they've sent me in that time has been my monthly statement. Therefore, when I received a letter last week assuring me everything was okay, the effect, strangely enough, was opposite of that which was intended. I started to QUESTION the stability of my financial assets (which, I should add, aren't exactly substantial to begin with). Again, I feel this doesn't bode well for the overall economic future.
Finally, I feel I simply MUST mention the recent passage of the $700 billion federal bailout of the financial sector, a bailout that actually failed for about a week before it was passed after legislators tacked on a slew of extra "sweeteners" to assuage their local constituents. Two things actually come to mind:
First off, the term "bailout" isn't exactly reassuring. If you've ever been in a boat or canoe, or really any watercraft, requiring a bailout, you realize pretty quickly you're on a structurally-compromised vehicle. Now, if you're on a canoe on a river, a bailout MIGHT get you to shore, while if you're on a ship on the ocean, a bailout may simply buy you time while you wait for SOMETHING to happen. Either way, the boat you're trying to bailout is still a piece of junk. This is not, in my opinion, the analogy legislators and the media should have latched onto when talking to the American public about the financial sector.
Also, the term "sweeteners" would seem to indicate the original bailout plan wasn't particularly palatable to begin with. If you have to sweeten something, you screwed up the original recipe and are compensating with something that may help you swallow the original, but doesn't necessarily ensure the stuff won't regurgitate spectacularly all over the living room sofa.
All of this seems to indicate impending economic calamity, so expect a lot of future pictures of Wall Street stock traders burying their faces in their hands. Also, mention the word "meltdown" whenever you can work it into a conversation.
October 06, 2008
Unnecessary Extra Worry
I recently started watching "House" marathons. Is it wrong that I find myself thinking "hey, I've had similar symptoms at one point," and getting a little TOO involved in some of the episodes?
It could be because Cuddy is smoking hot for a 40+ year old.
I hope I don't have lupus.
October 03, 2008
A Twitter so Good, it Deserves a Blog Post
The wife and I made a batch of Japanese curry last night that tasted so good, it was like God's semen: salty and poured in the ear.
Housecleaning
When all is said and done following this election, I predict established media outlets will be left standing, nonplussed, wondering what just happened.
October 01, 2008
When a Bailout Is Actually Pork From Heaven
You know, despite all the talk about the imminent, all important, NEED for a government bailout of the financial sector, I find it curious that the actual eventual "bailout" is chock full of pork and "sweeteners" to buy Senate and House votes. Why, it's almost as if the bailout is more of an "opportunity" than a "crisis."
It's enough to make me vote against every incumbent just out of sheer spite.
Except for Al Franken. I could never vote for that douche. Maybe I'll leave that one blank.
Just so you know
I'm against any bailout plan for the financial sector. That is, unless it includes a provision to pay off the remainder of my mortgage, which I've been paying off on time and over the monthly requirement now for over four years.
It's not my fault a lot of people are idiots and the financial sector tried to capitalize on that through equally idiotic loans.
My lawn. Get off it.
