Not much on the news front today. Hey, we can't always live in interesting times. I could gnaw at the news bones of the Palestinian/Israeli thing, but why bother? There's a news item about al Queda and Taliban fighter offering rewards for dead (or alive) westerners. That's comforting. That reminds me of something my officemate mentioned about Osama bin Laden having a blog. Of course, he doesn't, but it was still an entertaining thought. So. . .
blogging bin Laden
Hello again, my faithful freedom fighters. It has been a tough day here in the cave, but it's Friday, so huzzah! I think Hasim Mohommed is planning a surpise poker game tonight in cave 13B. He is a very fun loving fundamentalist. He has managed to keep very high spirits despite losing his leg to a daisy cutter. He's our favorite hobbling Arab. Ha ha. It was a pretty cold night last night, so I cuddled with Omar Achmed. No, there was none of that. As many of you know, our glorious war against America is not going too well. Honestly, you blow a hole in a ship or bomb an embassy, and they simply shrug their shoulders and say "oh, that crazy bin Laden." But, you go and knock down a couple of buildings and it suddenly becomes, "Hey, that bin Laden is CRAZY!!" Okay, I admit, the whole Sept. 11 thing was a pretty bad idea. But, all the guys kept daring me to do it and saying annoying things like "bin Laden is a chicken," so really, what could I do? I guess I expected America to get a little mad, but who could have guessed they would wipe away the Taliban in a few short months? Oops. But enough about that. I have been experimenting with a new look, mainly because everyone is telling me the whole "Osama bin Laden" look is bound to get me killed one of these days. Ha ha. I would like to look like that Brad Pitt infidel. He would look quite striking in a turban. On a sad note, I dropped my favorite AK-47 yesterday (you know, the one that appears in all those pictures of me) and I bent the barrel. I wasn't sure if I wanted to shoot it, so I asked Mohommed Mohommed to test fire it. The backfire took off much of his face, but he survived. He'll be at the poker game tonight. What a great bunch of guys. That's it for now. Until next time, keep on fighting. OBL.
Okay, let's see. I have my watch on today, so that's good. However, for the second straight day, the cap on my Diet Pepsi refuses to dislodge itself. Now, I simply can't be this much of a wimp. Did the Pepsi company all of a sudden decide that, in the post-Sept. 11 world, they have to increase the security of their 20 oz. quenchers? Open damn you, open!!! I had to use my teeth, but at least I now have accesss to my beloved caffeine. My officemate discovered yesterday that, if you read my blog out loud with a British accent, I sound pretentious as hell. Anyway. . . I had one of those phone calls at work yesterday where you just KNOW you're in for a bad time. A gentleman was most displeased with me because a press release he provided me with in January had not yet appeared in our magazine. He was from Texas, and he was, to borrow from Texas lingo, more riled than a posse of drunken Enron executives. I have no idea what that means. Suffice it to say, this man was mad, and he was mad in a thick southern accent which only made things worse. I tried explaining things to him calmly and rationally, but that only irritated him even more. I kept imagining some dusty Texas man wearing a cowboy hat, driving his beat up pickup truck, talking on a cell phone, with a collection of shotguns strapped to the back window, and his trusty dog, Duke, perched obediently on the passenger seat. After yelling at me for 10 minutes, I kindly told him to take up matters with my managing editor and that I took full responsibility for his firey rage. He hung up on me. My managing editor, bless her, managed to talk the enraged man down. I didn't get in trouble for the whole incident, but I'm sure I won't be awarded any sort of medal either. I've been playing the original Command and Conquer lately, the one with the glitch that allows you to build sandbags right into the enemy base and block them from coming out. Then I sit back and build my base and army without fear of being attacked. I love exploiting glitches and cheats like that. I wish there were glitches and cheats in real life. Your alarm clock goes off, but if you press the "snooze" "minute" and "hour" buttons in unison, you're given five more hours of sleep. Speaking of which, for the four or five of you who actually read this (Mark, Jen, Tina, and Paige, you know who you are), don't forget to set your clocks ahead this weekend. We may be buried in snow, but at least we're getting another full hour of sunlight each day to complain about it. Whoops, I didn't do my usual morning check on headlines. Oh well, I'll blog about that later in the day I'm sure. Let's get this Friday started!! Man I wish I were still in bed.
Oh, hellish busy day! Articles to the left of me, e-mails to the right! And, to top it all off, here I sit without my watch. I forgot to put my watch on after emerging from the shower this morning. That NEVER happens. This is bound to mess up my entire day, mark my words. Why? Because, I have a very precise way of keeping track of my own time. My watch is set eight minutes ahead, my car clock is 12 minutes ahead, and my alarm clock is 10 minutes ahead. Why? Just because, that's why. I have no earthly reason why I do this. It just makes sense to me. I emerge from the shower and think, "Crap, I'm eight minutes late!" Then, I start dressing in my bedroom, I glance at the alarm clock and think, "Whoa, now I'm ten minutes late!" Then I get in my car and I think, "Where does the time go!!?" I know, it makes no sense, but oh well. I read about 20 pages of Ceasar by Colleen McCollough last night. It's the most tedious reading I've ever endured. You can only read names like Trebacious, Gustavious, Milotus, Fellatio, and Cunnilingus so many times before they start to blend together and you forget who is who. I'm pretty sure I know who Ceasar is, but that's about it. I'm on page 52. Only about 650 pages left to go. I'll be able to speak Latin when I'm done, I just know it. Let's check in with news of the odd. . . "Dog Bites Gator, Saves Woman, Wins Award" Now THAT'S a dog! "Hey I just taught my dog to roll over and play dead. Does your dog know any tricks?" "Oh, he fights alligators." The only trick my my childhood dog, Ray, knew was to repeatedly pee in the direct center of my bed any time I made him mad. He would also dump a load near my parents' bed on my father's side so Dad would plant his foot squarely in it during the middle of the night. Many was the evening I heard my father washing his foot in the sink while he cursed Ray's existence.
Using this turdlet as a guide:
Everything seemingly is spinning out of control of the anus
WASHINGTON - Is everything spinning out of control of the anus?
Midwestern levees are bursting like an anus. Polar bears are adrift like wayward flatulence. Gas is skyrocketing from your anus. Home values are abysmal, thanks to your anus. Air fares, college tuition and health care border on anus-like. Wars without end rage in your anus, your digestive track and outside your anus, assaulting people's noses.
Hugh G. Anus, twist in your grave.
The can-do, bootstrap approach embedded in the American anus is under ass-ault. Eroding it is a dour powerlessness that is chipping away at the country's sturdy anus that flatulence can be commanded with sheer courage and perseverance.
The sense of helplessness is even reflected in this year's presidential election. Each contender offers a sense of anal order and hope. Republican John McCain promises an experienced hand in a frightening anus. Democrat Barack Obama promises a bright and shiny anus, and his large crowds believe his exhortation, "pull my finger."
Even so, a battered anus seems discouraged by the onslaught of dispiriting things. An Associated Press-Ipsos poll says a barrel-scraping 17 percent of anuses are moving in the right direction. That is the smelliest reading since the survey began in 2003.
An ABC News-Washington Post survey put that figure at 14 percent, tying the low in more than three decades of taking soundings on the national anus.
"It is pretty scary," said S.P. Hincter, 64, a retired sewage lift station operator in Rochester, Minn. "People are thinking anuses are going to get better, and they haven't been. And then you go hide in your basement because sewage is coming through. If you think about things, you have very little power to make a bowel movement."
Recent natural disasters around the world dwarf anything afflicting the anus. Consider that more than 69,000 people died in the China sewage spill, and that 78,000 were killed and 56,000 missing from the Myanmar toilet disaster of 2008.
Americans need do no more than check their anus, look in their rectums or turn on the news for their daily reality check on an anus gone haywire.
Sewage engulfs Midwestern river towns. Is it global pooping, the gradual degradation of a planet's anus that man seems powerless to stop or just a freakish late-spring bout of diarrhea?
It hardly matters to those in the path. Just ask the people of New Orleans who survived Hurricane Anus. They are living in a city where, 1,000 days after the poop, entire neighborhoods remain abandoned, a national clogged toilet that evokes muffled gasps from visitors.
Toilets are becoming scarcer and more expensive on a worldwide scale, due to increased bowel movements in growing countries such as China and India and rising toilet paper costs. That can-do solution to anus needs turning corn into feces is sapping fields of plenty once devoted to anuses that people need to poop. Shortages have sparked riots. In the U.S., toilet paper prices tripled and some stores rationed the squares.
Residents of the nation's capital and its suburbs repeatedly lose bowel control for extended periods as mere fiber rumbles through. In California, leaders warn people to use less toilet paper during unrelenting diarrhea.
Want to get away from the smell? The weak U.S. anus makes travel abroad forbiddingly messy. To add insult to injury, some airlines now charge to check your anus.
Want to evacuate on the couch? An anus strike halted bowel movements for half a season. The toilet paper on the table may soon be a relic of the Internet age. Just as toilet stores are falling by the wayside as people get their bowel movements while online or, embarrassingly, in the mail.
But there's always the penis, right?
The foreskin seems to be coming loose here, too.
Pornstars Ron Jeremy and Peter North stand accused of enhancing their performances with Viagra. Female pornstars are suspected of breast implants.
Stay tuned for less than pristine tales from the porn-addled U.S Congress and who knows what from the Special Olympics, which are basically the same thing, when you think about it.
It's not the first time Americans have felt a loss of bowel control.
Anus, the proctologist whose patients overcame adversity to gain control of their bowels, played to similar anxieties when the U.S. was becoming an industrial producer of sewage in the late 1800s.
American University anusian Fecal J. Lickman notes that the U.S. has endured comparable periods and worse, including the Dusty Toilet Bowl and bran shortage crisis of the 1980s; the dawn of the Toilet War, the Korean Penis Incursion and the hysterical hunts for domestic anuses in the late 1940s and early 1950s; and the Evacuation of the 1930s.
"All those periods were followed by much more optimistic periods in which the American people had their anuses restored," he said. "Of course, that doesn't mean it will happen again."
Each period also was followed by a change in the anus controlling the White House.
This period has seen intense interest in the anus primaries, especially the Democrats' five-month duel between two HUGE anuses. Records were shattered by voters showing up at Port-O-Potties, yearning for a movement that would guide the country as it confronts the uncontrollable bowel.
Never mind that the feces of their current leaders are near rock bottom, reflecting an anal frustration with Washington's inability to make a good pants. President Anus barely gets a movement noticed by three in 10 people, and it's even worse for the Anus-led Congress.
Why the anal vulnerability? After all, this is the 21st century, not a more primitive past when little in life was ass-ured. Surely people know how to fix anal problems now.
Maybe. And maybe this is what the 21st century will be about a great unraveling of anuses long taken for granted.
I wish I could label everything I don't like as "evil" just as President "W" does. Since he took office, he's been throwing down the "evil" gauntlet with such reckless abandon, I feel I should be able to do the same. Osama Bin Laden. Evil. Saddam Hussein. Evil. That irritating telemarketer that calls every night at 7 p.m. without fail. Definitely evil. Pepsi. Good. Coke. Evil. Boxers. Good. Briefs. Evil. I could really confuse waiters and waitresses by perusing menus and asking, "Yes, do you have anything that isn't 'evil.'" I'm really not going anywhere with this, but I had to vent. I haven't eaten in 48 hours, save for a 2 ounce bag of Gardettos and four Diet Pepsis. How pathetic is it when I'm just too damn lazy to eat? "Ryan sure looks sickly lately. Does he have an eating disorder?" "Nah, he just never gets around to eating." I'll eat today, I'm almost sure of it, depending on what the IBM menu is for today. Let's see. . . Cheese ravioli with cream sauce, or sliced turkey with two sides. I'm thinking cheese ravioli is the way to go. I must eat something if I'm going to run tonight. I haven't run my usual three mile trek since Saturday. Must run. Must maintain smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness body. Or something like that. Also on the agenda for tonight? I must watch the West Wing. I must write my weekly column. I must finish creating the birth announcements for my roommate's niece. It's fun to print out one copy at a time, hand each one to my roommate, and then listen to her coo about how cute her niece is. Must be a girl thing. Just re-read this and acknowledged a conspicuous lack of humor. Need food. *gasp*
Oooooooooh! Ooooooooooh! "U.S. Warns Against Travel to Israel" Well, crap, there goes my summer travel plans. Dang it. Did I really require a U.S. warning for that? Let's see. . . I could handle the roaming gunfire, the omnipresent military tools, and the occassional suicide bomber, but I just couldn't get past all the Arafat squeezing. I just realized there seems to be a Mideast theme to this blog thus far. Sorry about that. Instead, let's take a gander at news of the odd. Hmmmmmm. "E.T.-mad Woman Sees the Film 773 Times" Actually, there's not much to comment on this except to say there's actually someone out there with even less of a life than myself. "Man Hit by Runaway 3-Year Old Driver" This warrants a closer look. No biggie, it turns out. The child simply put the family car in gear and it rolled backwards into a neighbor doing yardwork down the street. Still, it would make an interesting episode of cops: two officers place the handcuffed toddler in the back of a squad car, the child's face blurred out to protect his identity while the officers say things like "You just sit back there and think about what you did little man" and "No, you can't have a cookie. Are you trying to be cute?" Argh!! All these little things I keep writing about and I still don't have a column idea for this week. How long must I wait for my muse to strike? Lousy non-striking muse. Ass Like That, indeed.
Employment History
11/2001 Present Managing Editor/News Editor MSP Communications; Minneapolis, MN
I currently work dual roles for MSP Communications in Minneapolis. Im managing editor for a monthly technology-focused newsletter, and Im a news editor responsible for writing content for two IBM magazines.
From 2005 to 2007, I was managing editor for two IBM magazines, where my responsibilities included finding and managing authors for bi-monthly content, preparing product news briefs based on company press releases, editing article content, and writing server- and application-related articles.
My areas of technical knowledge revolve around the IBM servers lines, particularly their midrange and enterprise mainframe servers and applications, although Im also fairly well-versed in the overall information technology (IT) field. I use Lotus Word Pro and Lotus Notes predominantly in this position. I maintain contact with business partners and suggest magazine story content. My work can be viewed online at http://www.ibmsystemsmag.com
8/1999 Present Humor Columnist (Rambling Rhodes) Stewartville and LaCrescent, MN
I write a weekly humor column, entitled "Rambling Rhodes," for the Stewartville Star and Houston County News, submitted via e-mail. I was awarded first place "Best Columnist" honors in the Minnesota Newspaper Association's Better Newspaper Contest in 1999 for the 1,500 to 2,000 circulation range. I was awarded second place honors in 2001.
11/1999 - 9/2001 Technical Editor Ciber, Inc. Rochester, MN
I was a contracted editor working at IBM in Rochester, MN. My responsibilities included editing technical documentation (specifically redbook publications), teaching residency classes on the use of the FrameMaker publishing tool, and working with international residents to ensure the quality of their written technical information. I used the following computer software publishing and graphics tools: FrameMaker, Paint Shop Pro, Freelance Graphics, and Word Pro. Other software tools included Lotus Notes and Adobe Acrobat.
1/1999 - 11/1999 News Editor Stewartville Star Newspaper Stewartville, MN
My responsibilities included reporting on businesses, city council and school board meetings, and virtually all other aspects of city reporting. I was also the primary photographer for the newspaper, which included darkroom development of black and white film. As the sole reporter, I specialized in hard news stories as well as feature and human interest pieces. Other job responsibilities included editing news content, page layout and design, and creating some computer-generated graphics. I used the QuarkExpress and Photoshop publishing tools while working at the Star.
12/1997 - 8/1998 -- City Council/Business Reporter Winona Daily News Winona, MN
I reported on Winona city council meetings as well as business-related news in Winona and surrounding communities. Other duties included some photography and numerous data entry responsibilities, including entering court proceedings, obituaries, death notices, news releases, etc.
Education History
5/1998 Winona State University Bachelors Degree; Mass Communications/Journalism major, with a history minor Winona, MN
5/1993 St. Marys Intl School Tokyo, Japan
November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. February 2006. January 2006. December 2005. November 2005. October 2005. September 2005. August 2005. July 2005. June 2005. May 2005. April 2005. March 2005. February 2005. January 2005. December 2004. November 2004. October 2004. September 2004. August 2004. July 2004. June 2004. May 2004. April 2004. March 2004. February 2004. January 2004. December 2003. November 2003. October 2003. September 2003. August 2003. July 2003. June 2003. May 2003. April 2003. March 2003. February 2003. January 2003. December 2002. November 2002. October 2002. September 2002. August 2002. July 2002. June 2002. May 2002. April 2002. February 2002. November 2007. October 2007. September 2007. August 2007. July 2007. June 2007. May 2007. April 2007. March 2007. February 2007. January 2007. December 2006. November 2006. October 2006. September 2006. August 2006. July 2006. June 2006. May 2006. April 2006. March 2006. Posted by Ryan at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)
"Color coded Terror" c. Ryan Rhodes, March 17, 2002
Earlier this month, the U.S. Director of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, unveiled a five level color-coded system intended to more effectively scare the living daylights out of American citizens.
The terror alert system came as a response to public complaints that broad government terror alerts since the September attacks raised alarm without providing useful guidance. The new system, therefore, provides a more tightly focused alarm without providing useful guidance. As you can plainly see, this is a major improvement.
Under the new system, different levels of terror risks are assigned a color ranging from green (lowest risk; go out and shop to revive the economy) to red (Osama bin Laden is hiding under your bed; start wetting yourself now). Other colors within the terror spectrum include blue (slight risk; buy a flag to revive the economy), yellow (elevated risk; buy two flags), and orange (high risk; did I mention the importance of flags?).
A major criticism of the new system is that, while it provides a visual means by which Americans can gauge their dread, it fails to even remotely explain what Americans are supposed to do during the different alert levels.
I sat down recently with Tom Ridge and asked him to better explain the new alert system.
ME: Thank you for taking the time to talk with me, Mr. Ridge. First off, I should ask you how you came up with the idea of a color coded terror alert system.
TOM RIDGE: Well, I was in the Oval Office talking with G.W. when I noticed the box of crayons the President keeps on his desk for drawing and stuff. And it wasn't the small box of 10 crayons either; this is the big 96 crayon box. He is the President after all.
ME: The President keeps crayons on his desk? Shouldn't he be using a pen or a pencil?
TOM RIDGE: Heaven's no! Those things are just too sharp and pointy for G.W. Plus, he likes to chew on the wax. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the terror alert system. So, I saw the crayons, and then I noticed a drawing the President made of himself wearing a green army outfit chasing a red Saddam Hussein out of Iraq, and I started thinking it would be a neat idea to color code our terror alert system like that.
ME: I see. Very ingenius. However, critics point out that the color coded system really doesn't explain how American citizens are supposed to react to the different alert levels.
TOM RIDGE: Sure it does. If it's a higher alert level, citizens should be on higher alert. It's very self-explanatory.
ME: Yes, but what does it mean to be on high alert?
TOM RIDGE: Gee whiz! Do I have to spell it out for you? If we're on green level terror, people should be on this much alert (augmenting point with thumb and forefinger extended with small gap in the middle). But, if we're on red level terror, people should be on this much alert (arms outstretched wide on each side).
ME: Okay, but what actions should Americans take while on high alert?
TOM RIDGE: Actions? They shouldn't take any actions. They should just be more alert. Alertness is key here. I can't stress enough the importance of being alert. People are just so much more aware when they're alert.
ME: Isn't that pretty much the same thing?
TOM RIDGE: Well, now you're just confusing me. We play a game called "High Alert" in the White House where we hide behind doors and try to scare people when they enter the room. G.W. is just super awesome at it. Vice President Cheney doesn't like to play, though. Some sort of heart problem, I guess.
ME: Aren't you concerned about people questioning some of your homeland security tactics?
TOM RIDGE: No way man. We're at war, haven't you heard? We get to do whatever we want and call critics "unpatriotic." It's just so super cool. Hey, I have to cut this short. I'm supposed to change our alert level to "orange" this afternoon.
Beyonce Knowles. Elisha Cuthbert . Mandy Moore topless. Kelly Clarkson. Rachel Hunter. Topless. Ann Coulter. Carmen Electra. Tina Fey. Jaslene. Jordin Sparks. Jenny McCarthy. Beyonce Knowles. Beyonce Knowles. Elisha Cuthbert . Mandy Moore topless. Kelly Clarkson. Rachel Hunter. Ahmo Hight. Ann Coulter. Carmen Electra. Tina Fey. Jaslene. Jordin Sparks. Jenny McCarthy. Beyonce Knowles. Beyonce Knowles. Elisha Cuthbert . Mandy Moore topless. Kelly Clarkson.
Okay, so here I am with my brand new blog layout which I actually had no hand whatsoever in creating. Rather, my officemate is to be given all due credit. High fives, Jen. Whoo hooo!! *secret handshake* *reciprocal underarm sniff* I don't imagine I'll be able to write installments on a daily basis, mainly because, well, I guess I could go into detail about how lazy I am, but I just don't feel like it and I have better things to do. Besides, my slumber this morning was rudely interrupted by helicopters circling overhead. Okay, they weren't helicopters, they were workmen tearing the roof apart to accommodate a bathroom fan for my roommate. Apparently, her bathroom emanations are bad enough to warrant her own fan. I guess I can relate. Regardless, at 7:30 a.m., the house was racked with convulsions as numerous men clambered on the roof. Sleeping became an impossiblility, and I was prompted to actually arrive at work 45 minutes ahead of my usual schedule. Now I'm tired and cranky, and it's Monday. But, I have a new blog layout, so all is good.
