Rambling Rhodes

"Color coded Terror" c. Ryan

"Color coded Terror" c. Ryan Rhodes, March 17, 2002

Earlier this month, the U.S. Director of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, unveiled a five level color-coded system intended to more effectively scare the living daylights out of American citizens.

The terror alert system came as a response to public complaints that broad government terror alerts since the September attacks raised alarm without providing useful guidance. The new system, therefore, provides a more tightly focused alarm without providing useful guidance. As you can plainly see, this is a major improvement.

Under the new system, different levels of terror risks are assigned a color ranging from green (lowest risk; go out and shop to revive the economy) to red (Osama bin Laden is hiding under your bed; start wetting yourself now). Other colors within the terror spectrum include blue (slight risk; buy a flag to revive the economy), yellow (elevated risk; buy two flags), and orange (high risk; did I mention the importance of flags?).

A major criticism of the new system is that, while it provides a visual means by which Americans can gauge their dread, it fails to even remotely explain what Americans are supposed to do during the different alert levels.

I sat down recently with Tom Ridge and asked him to better explain the new alert system.

ME: Thank you for taking the time to talk with me, Mr. Ridge. First off, I should ask you how you came up with the idea of a color coded terror alert system.

TOM RIDGE: Well, I was in the Oval Office talking with G.W. when I noticed the box of crayons the President keeps on his desk for drawing and stuff. And it wasn't the small box of 10 crayons either; this is the big 96 crayon box. He is the President after all.

ME: The President keeps crayons on his desk? Shouldn't he be using a pen or a pencil?

TOM RIDGE: Heaven's no! Those things are just too sharp and pointy for G.W. Plus, he likes to chew on the wax. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the terror alert system. So, I saw the crayons, and then I noticed a drawing the President made of himself wearing a green army outfit chasing a red Saddam Hussein out of Iraq, and I started thinking it would be a neat idea to color code our terror alert system like that.

ME: I see. Very ingenius. However, critics point out that the color coded system really doesn't explain how American citizens are supposed to react to the different alert levels.

TOM RIDGE: Sure it does. If it's a higher alert level, citizens should be on higher alert. It's very self-explanatory.

ME: Yes, but what does it mean to be on high alert?

TOM RIDGE: Gee whiz! Do I have to spell it out for you? If we're on green level terror, people should be on this much alert (augmenting point with thumb and forefinger extended with small gap in the middle). But, if we're on red level terror, people should be on this much alert (arms outstretched wide on each side).

ME: Okay, but what actions should Americans take while on high alert?

TOM RIDGE: Actions? They shouldn't take any actions. They should just be more alert. Alertness is key here. I can't stress enough the importance of being alert. People are just so much more aware when they're alert.

ME: Isn't that pretty much the same thing?

TOM RIDGE: Well, now you're just confusing me. We play a game called "High Alert" in the White House where we hide behind doors and try to scare people when they enter the room. G.W. is just super awesome at it. Vice President Cheney doesn't like to play, though. Some sort of heart problem, I guess.

ME: Aren't you concerned about people questioning some of your homeland security tactics?

TOM RIDGE: No way man. We're at war, haven't you heard? We get to do whatever we want and call critics "unpatriotic." It's just so super cool. Hey, I have to cut this short. I'm supposed to change our alert level to "orange" this afternoon.

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Posted by Ryan at April 1, 2002 12:36 PM