Rambling Rhodes

This just in. . .

Not all 16-year-olds are very bright.

Film at 11.

Looking Ahead Backward On 2006

JANUARY: The housing bubble, having been forecast to burst since the Eisenhower administration, finally popped, spewing 2x4s and shingles across a 40 state radius. Said one witness: "Man, that was loud!"

President Bush, giving his State of the Union address late in the month, said the U.S. is "Hunky Dory," and then went on to explain his vision for 2006. Critics of the President were quick to call the term "Hunky Dory" possible grounds for impeachment.

FEBRUARY: The war between Evolution and Intelligent Design heated up, as Evolution secretly marched its forces behind Intelligent Design's left flank, and inflicted heavy casualties. Said Evolution's commander, Gen. C. Darwin about the stunning victory: "Well, it was just God's will."

America, realizing Britney Spears may, in fact, have no particular talent or intelligence, decided not to care when Spears announced her impending divorce from husband Kevin Federline. Said one witness to the collective national shrug of indifference: "Man, that was loud!"

MARCH: For most of the month, the media was once again awash with continual reports of an attractive woman who had gone missing. In the end, it was discovered that the missing woman didn't, in fact, exist, and most of the media admitted they should have known something was up when the woman's name was released as "Layne Johnson."

Lost in the reports of the missing fictional Layne Johnson, al-Queda's operative in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, was captured and subsequently gave up the names and locations of 467 other al-Queda operatives, including al-Queda leader Osama bin Laden. Additionally, al-Zarqawi revealed the location of Atlantis and the Fountain of Youth. Read one New York Times headline: "Zarqawi: 'I don't know where Layne Johnson is, no.'"

APRIL: The Bush White House, still reeling from the "Hunky Dory" impeachment push, tried to regain its footing with its controversial "Work to Welfare" initiative. Said White House press secretary Scott McClellan: "I know it sounds bad, but it's not what you think. I. . . I. . . oh, man, I quit."

The Democrats experienced their own woes in April, with DNC chairman Howard Dean--apparently having not kept up with the news--exclaiming that "the search for Layne Johnson should be this nation's highest priority. If we don't find Layne Johnson within the next few weeks, this President should be impeached."

MAY: An earthquake measuring 7.8 on the richter scale rocked the San Francisco area, causing widespread damage, although with very few reported casualties. The federal response, despite personell arriving on-scene two weeks before the earthquake hit, was deemed "insufficient" and "bungled."

Following months of deliberation and Democratic delays, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito was still not confirmed. President Bush, in a press briefing discussing the matter said: "You know, why do we really need nine justices anyway? What was that TV show again? Eight is Enough? Yeah, that's it, eight is enough."

JUNE: Despite the damaging surprise attack on its left flank in February, Intelligent Design fought back against Evolution in a stunning offensive that allowed it to regain much of the ground it lost. Said Intelligent Design field commander, Gen. G.O. Divine: "We really didn't have a plan of attack, but we knew we had to go on the offensive. I guess you could say our attack evolved as it unfolded, with better advanced tactics taking precendent over less effective, out-dated tactics."

Steroids were officially recognized as vitamin supplements by Major League Baseball and the National Football League. No discernible effect was noticed because, as one professional athlete pointed out: "I mean, come ON. As if it wasn't totally obvious we were all doing steroids anyway. HELLOOOO? We're over 350 pounds with almost no body fat! Could we be more obvious?"

JULY: Feverishly on the run ever since Abu Musab al-Zarqawi revealed his location in March, Osama bin-Laden took a time out from his fleeing to issue a videotape. In the tape, bin-Laden said: "Please stop chasing me. I am very tired. My shoes are worn down to their threads. Please send a pair of infidel Nikes."

The much-feared Bird Flu epidemic hit a heightened level of concern when some person in some country most people never heard of may or my not have died from the disease. Media investigations, though intense, couldn't even find the name of the person, although there was some speculation early on that the person was named "Layne Johnson."

AUGUST: Smashing back against Intelligent Design, Evolution waged a bloody campaign starting early in the month. Although casualties on both sides were high, Evolution eventually claimed victory. Said Evolution's commander, Gen. C. Darwin: "I don't know how to explain it, but I just felt compelled to act, almost as if this battle was meant to unfold the way it did, as if everything up to this point happened for a reason."

DNC chairman, Howard Dean, emerged briefly in the media shouting an unexpected rant about a Bush impeachment and his continued intent to locate Layne Johnson. Said one shocked witness to the Dean outburst: "Man, that was loud!"

SEPTEMBER: Hurricane Macarena, a category one storm, danced its way annoyingly along the Gulf Coast causing very little damage but widespread irritation. The federal response to Macarena was deemed horrendous and didn't include nearly enough ear-plugs.

Overseas, widespread continued rioting in France continued unabated since it flared up in 2005. With as many as 9,000 cars being burned up each evening, most media organizations ignored the activity. Explained one CNN representative for the lack of coverage: "Well, I mean, not to be harsh or anything, but it's FRANCE. Seriously, who cares?"

OCTOBER: Huge controversy erupted when a school teacher overheard several middle school students discussing plans for constructing and detonating nuclear devices at key locations around the globe. Critics quickly demonized video games as the source of the students' radioactive ambitions, particularly the smash hit video game: "Hey, Kids, Let's Nuke the World!"

Another bin-Laden videotape surfaced, this time with the al-Queda leader looking particularly haggard. Said bin-Laden: "This is getting ridiculous! Not only have I not received the infidel Nikes like I asked, not an hour goes buy when a bomb doesn't land nearby!" Seconds later, a bomb landed nearby, to which bin-Laden responded: "Man, that was loud!"

NOVEMBER: Midterm elections went off without a hitch and, while pretty much everything stayed the same, both the Democrats and Republicans claimed sweeping victories. Failed Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry took the midterm elections as an opportunity to talk about himself and why he lost the 2004 election, saying "he was winning the election, before he lost it."

Another Bird Flu scare rocked the media when it was reported that Russell Crow had contracted Bird Flu. The story was eventually retracted, however, when it was revealed that the anger-prone actor, rather than contracting Bird Flu, simply flew the bird.

DECEMBER: In an unexpected development, the war between Evolution and Intelligent Design found itself merging with the War on Christmas. Confused-looking people in shopping centers around the nation were overheard wishing people a "Merry Evolution" and a "Happy Intelligent Design."

Ryan Rhodes was named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year," in an article that mentioned, quite accurately, that he was "a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness." And he scored with any one of the following women: Namrata Singh Gujral. Cerina Vincent. Lauren Lee Smith. Tawny Cypress. Jayma Mays. Rose Byrne. Natalia Tena. Carice van Houten. Sonya Walger. Michelle Ryan. Alice Braga. Kristen Stewart. Katie Leung. Vera Jordanova. Mia Maestro. Ninel Conde.

Another Poll You Can Help Me Lose, er, Win

I'm in the running for yet another largely meaningless poll and, as with all meaningless polls I'm in the running for, I'm determined to win! You can help! You probably won't, but you COULD, is all's I'm saying.

The Nick Coleman Experience

I'm rather convinced now that Nick Coleman exists purely to further discredit any shred of legitimacy professional journalism may still cling to. I think the Strib keeps him on solely for the amusement of watching people like me tear him a new one. So, let's begin:

Wonder what's behind the sudden debate over "illegal" immigrants? Listen to a retired accountant from Lake Crystal, Minn., named Pat Peoples. It turns out the demagoguery is not so sudden. It has been in the works for months.

Do I wonder what's behind the sudden debate over illegal immigrants? Well, no, not really. BUT I HAVE A HUNCH! Note to Nick, putting quotation marks around the word "illegal" does not make the word moot, just as if I were to walk out of Best Buy with a video game tucked under my armpit doesn't mean I'll get away with it if I tell the security guy I wasn't "shoplifting" while miming quotation marks with my index and middle fingers. The debate is over illegal immigrants but, as we'll see, Nick deftly (for him) tries to shift the debate to immigration in general.

Last February, after answering a random phone survey, Peoples was invited to take part in a focus group discussion of political issues in Mankato. The group was made up of a cross-section of voters from southern Minnesota. taxes, gambling and sports stadiums -- all being debated at the time in St. Paul -- were discussed.

Point of order here: I have a tough time remembering what I did three weeks ago, let alone last February which, according to my calculations, was almost a year ago. Apparently, according to the Nick Colemans of the world, old news is SO EXCITING! So, we have Pat Peoples, retired accountant, recollecting his experience from a year ago. A good, solid, reliable source. The kind of source you wrap an entire column around.

But there was more on the agenda at this mystery meeting, which was sponsored by a group that gave each participant a lunch and $20, but which would not identify itself.

According to Pat Peoples.

The woman moderator, who said she was from Maryland, wanted very much to talk about immigrants.

Here's what I don't understand: if Pat Peoples remembers so much about the focus group he attended a year ago, how come he can't remember the woman's name? Surely she told them. At least a first name? I'm not saying the focus group didn't happen, I'm just curious about the selective memory of Pat Peoples, and Nick's unwavering support of it. Not that Nick's ever been guilty of unwavering belief in something that was severely questionable or anything.

The participants already had discussed any issues they were concerned about, except the war in Iraq. There would be no talk about Iraq, the woman said.

Gee, a focus group with a focus of discussion of political issues in Mankato didn't want to delve into the topic of Iraq. I'm shocked, I tell you, SHOCKED! They had the audacity to want to stay on topics of local politics. Those BASTARDS!

But up to that point, no one had mentioned immigration, much to the annoyance of the moderator. So she prodded the group to complain about immigrants.

Much to the annoyance of the moderator? According to who? Does Peoples have a finely-tuned annoyance detector? Was she fluttering her eyelids in disgust? Waving her arms impatiently? What were her annoyance indicators?

"I haven't heard anybody talk about immigration," Peoples, an independent, recalls her saying. "Anybody have a problem with the illegal aliens coming in?"

Ah, he's an independent! Because he says so! And that, apparently, gives weight to his credibility. By the way, class, is illegal immigration an issue unique to 2005? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? No, it is not. Illegal immigration has been an issue for years now and, if you'll remember, it came under more of a microscope after certain events transpired in September of 2001. That it's actually being discussed and questioned in focus groups means Americans are finally growing a pair rather than letting it continue unchecked.

The group's response to the question was "a deafening silence," Peoples says.

It's so quiet! I'm going deaf! I'm an Independent! Take my word for it!

But the woman pushed harder, listing some of the complaints she said she had heard in other states where she had conducted focus groups. Still, no one obliged her.

So she started shaking them vigorously, and beating them with her high-heeled shoes, until their bloodied faces began dripping and pooling on the tables. Still, the stoic focus group remained steadfast in their resolve, until a valiant Peoples. . .

Instead, Peoples mentioned the immigrant workers in a nearby town, praising them for how hard they seem to work.

And that nearby town would be? But never mind that. Let's look at the important segue that just took place. According to Peoples, the woman asked: Anybody have a problem with the illegal aliens coming in?

To which Peoples responded about immigrant workers in a nearby town, praising them for how hard they seem to work.

So, the debate now, with People's and Coleman's sleight of hand, is about immigrants in general, rather than illegal immigrants. Talk about fabricating outrage and demagoguery! Way to practice the very thing that has you mad, Nick.

Not the correct answer. Someone was paying money for this. They wanted problems.

Oh, please. This from the man who complains about problems ranging from chewing gum under tables to socks missing out of the dryer. Nick can create outrage to problems like MacGyver can make a bomb out of a pencil and thread.

"She shut me off," Peoples recalls. "Then she said, 'Aren't you having problems here?' "

A fair repeat question, particularly if the woman encountered people with concerns in other demographics. Additionally, it being Mankato, I don't imagine the focus group attendees were very forthcoming about much of anything, so a prodding moderator hardly surprises me. She was probably exasperated by all the Minnesota Nice on display.

The state Republican and DFL parties each deny having sponsored the mystery focus group, as does the Republican congressman for the area, Gil Gutknecht, and his DFL challenger, Tim Walz.

All of whom are deeply suspect, whereas the word of Pat Peoples is freakin' Gospel.

Also in denial mode was the office of Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who recently poured gasoline on the immigrant issue with the release of a crudely overstated report designed to inflame opinion and make immigration into a wedge issue.

Uh huh. Right. He poured and poured and poured that gas. And then Coleman jumped into the fire with his own accusation that John Ashcroft's maternal grandfather was an illegal alien which, again, was pretty much debunked by a blogger. When it comes to attempting to inflame opinion, Nick Coleman's the Inflamer-In-Chief, and he apparently doesn't even realize it, which is kinda sad.

That last bit was opinion.

No shit.

But this is fact: Anti-immigration forces are working hard to raise resentment and to exploit immigration for political gain, cozying up to politicians who will help them fence the borders.

Notice how the "illegal" has been dropped here? It's MAGIC! Abracadabra! It's no longer ILLEGAL immigration that's the issue! No, it's an anti-immigration debate in general. All thanks to the tireless journalistic ineptitude of Nick Coleman. Way to go, Nick. Maybe next week you could explain to all of us how there's a vigorous ongoing debate against French silk pie.

It shouldn't happen here.

What? You writing for the largest newspaper in Minnesota? No, it shouldn't.

"There was no reason for this to be brought up," Peoples says. "I think someone was trying to find an issue that will antagonize people and get them riled up so they come out and vote, without offering a solution."

So says Peoples, so shall it be. And the Word of Peoples should be accepted without question, for He is an Independent, and Coleman shall conjure a column from the Word of the Peoples, and it shall be printed without question.

Peoples has perfectly described how demagoguery works: Exaggerate a problem; exploit the manufactured resentment at the polls; offer no solutions to address a problem without creating an even larger one.

See also: almost every Nick Coleman column ever penned. That the irony is almost certainly lost to Nick is priceless.

Who sponsored the Mankato focus group is still a mystery. But there is no mystery why politicians try to capitalize on a destructive strategy. And it will be a tragedy if they succeed.

Almost as big a tragedy as if people were to allow columnists like Coleman to shift the debate from illegal immigration to immigration in general.

Back at It

Did I mention work sucks?

Work sucks.

Merry Thoughts

Having just hosted the very first Christmas at this house, complete with all the oddness my girlfriend's family provides, I still feel the stillness of the season. I know, it sounds cliche, but maybe, just maybe, the coming together of tree, lights, candles, gifts, and a Holiday meal and desert, still sparks something in me. I feel warm. I feel good. I don't care about shit that doesn't concern me directly.

Does that offend you? Good.

Here's hoping you're enjoying what you want to enjoy, feeling how you want to feel, being as selfish as you want to feel, and as giving as much as you want to give.

Merry Christmas!

Osama bin Hawtness!

*growl*

He's Making A List, Checking It Twice

He's gonna have you whacked in the middle of the night. . . and probably touch your children in a bad touch sort of wayyyyyyyy.

This Pope/Satan (er, SANTA) picture brought to my attention by Jim.

Caroline says: that's scary

Ryan says: He's not a very photogenic Pope.

Caroline says: There's something wrong with a Pope wearing a Santa hat.

Ryan says: Even in his declining years, the old Pope looked like everybody's favorite grandpa.

Ryan says: The Pope walks into a bar wearing a Santa hat. . .

Ryan says: Bartender says: "Don't fondle my children!"

Caroline says: ba dum bum!

Caroline says: Thank you, folks, i'll be here all week. Try the pork chop sandwiches.

Ryan says: Thanks, I'll be here all day. Try the hot sauce.

Ryan says: Shriek!

Ryan says: Brain wave.

Caroline says: Snarf!

Caroline says: I know.

Ryan says: Holy fuck.

Caroline says: what?

Ryan says: We've just been dialed into each other's brains this week.

Ryan says: Must be the solstice.

Caroline says: I bet that's it. Nothing says shortest day of the year better than reading someone else's mind.

Ryan says: It's in the Bible.

Ryan says: Somewhere towards the back.

Caroline says: After the verse about the Pope wearing a Santa hat.

Ryan says: 8:14 And I looked as they openned the seventh seal, and lo there was a great shaking, as the Pope donned a Santa hat, and the brain waves became as one. And the seas boiled, and the skies fell. And the dead walked upon the earth, but no one noticed, because they just assumed they were looking at the Rolling Stones.

Ryan says: I'm paraphrasing.

Caroline says: Doesn't Kanye West sing about that in one of his songs?

Ryan says: And what's up with Kanye West? Why is he so popular?

Caroline says: He ain't sayin' she's a golddigger

Ryan says: Well, sure, but besides that.

Solstice Observational Salutations

codecomments.com/VBScript/message350354.html">Ahem.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my wish for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct,
non-addictive, low stress, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, as well as the secular practices of your choice,
but with full respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all.

author unknown

Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller.

I need to work on my wiping, apparently

Two more rings discovered around Uranus.

What I want to know is how the heck they knew that about me.

Lousy wire taps.

I Know It's Been Posted Everywhere

But this is still the coolest holiday light show since Jesus made that star thingy appear over his manger.

UPDATE: Oh yeah, I should also provide the story about the light display.

Because My Blog Is All About Inclusion

I give you this.

Sometimes an Ape is. . . Just an Ape

The political correctness crowd has gained a frightful headlock on today's society. They see racist and prejudicial undertones in everything from Hershey's Kisses to Christmas trees.

Case in point, King Kong is racist.

Lots of people say it is. And, if it is, why does the film keep getting remade? What does it say about us if the new 'Kong' is a huge hit?

Oh, I don't know, that a classic story, redone with modern computer generated animation, appeals to a movie-going audience that is young enough to not even realize that Hollywood is, once again, proving it's out of original thought? It's a movie about a huge, dangerous creature. Apparently, Jurassic Park was uber-racist.

And, LOTS OF PEOPLE SAY IT IS. Oh, well, lots of people also believe the earth is flat. Lots of people say the holocaust didn't happen. Lots of people read my blog. In other words, lots of people aren't all that bright.

Any movie that features white people sailing off to the Third World to capture a giant ape and carry it back to the West for exploitation is going to be seen as a metaphor for colonialism and racism.

Only if you're bound and determined to see it as such. Let's pretend, the storyline was reversed a little bit. Let's pretend the expedition was led by, say, Morgan Freeman. Would it still be a compelling and interesting narrative. YES. Because Morgan Freeman kicks ass, mostly.

Besides all that, where else are you most likely to find a massive ape? Downtown Chicago? The King Kong narrative requires a Third World nation because many Third World nations are largely unexplored and unknown.

That was true for the original in 1933 and for the two remakes: the campy one in 1976, and the latest, directed by Peter Jackson. (In addition, a "Kong" wannabe, "Mighty Joe Young," has been made twice.)

Movie reviewer David Edelstein, writing in Slate.com, notes the "implicit racism of 'King Kong' -- the implication that Kong stands for the black man brought in chains from a dark island (full of murderous primitive pagans) and with a penchant for skinny white blondes."

Uh, huh. And the implication that black men scale skyscrapers, knock planes out of the air, break the jaws of Tyrannasaurus Rex(es). All of these are trademark characteristics of your standard-issue African-American.

Indeed, a Google search using the words "King Kong racism" yielded 490,000 hits.

Oooh, a Google search contest! Let me try!

346,000 hits for "My+butt+stinks."

166,000 hits for "packers+suck+ass."

1,260,000 hits for "white+men+can't+jump+racism" Yes, really. Surprised me, too.

In other words, Google search results don't prove DICK.

Comparing the new film with the original, the Washington Post's Stephen Hunter observed, "It remains a parable of exploitation, cultural self-importance, the arrogance of the West, all issues that were obvious in the original but unexamined; they remain unexamined here, if more vivid."

If the Stephen Hunters of the world were left to craft the content coming out of Hollywood, we'd be inundated with three hour long boredom-fests featuring rich white men committing suicide out of guilty grief for their own good fortune.

Ah, and again with the arrogance of the West. Let's tweak the narrative again, shall we? Let's pretend it's a story about a Chinese expedition to the Tibetan plateau to investigate rumors of a gargantuan panda? Would it become the arrogance of the, er, East?

And by more vivid, Hunter might be referring to the natives of mythical Skull Island, where Kong is discovered. Director Jackson took people of Melanesian stock -- the dark-skinned peoples who are indigenous to much of the South Pacific, including Jackson's own country, New Zealand -- and made them up to look and act like monsters, more zombie-ish than human.

Yes, Jackson was originally going to go for a tribe of cultured white businessmen in suits drinking lattes. But then he realized, "oh, wait. . . "

Indeed, one is moved to compare these human devils to the ogre-ish Orcs from Jackson's mega-Oscar "Lord of the Rings" films. The bad guys are dark, hideous and undifferentiatedly evil.

It would have been better if the Orcs were portrayed as misunderstood, confused, and basically good-natured, if they only were given a fair shake. Jeezum crow. Now we're not only supposed to feel guilty for enjoying King Kong, but The Lord of The Rings as well.

One might note that the original source material for both films dates from the same period: "Kong" in '33, J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit" four years later. Both works are ultimately meditations on the West and Western uniqueness. Which is to say, what's the role for white Europe -- and for its ethnic offshoot, North America -- in a world that is mostly nonwhite?

One might also note that both King Kong and The Hobbit emerged during the Great Depression, a particularly dark and brooding time for most of the world, a time of uncertainty and the rise to power of some unlikely nations. But never mind all that. No, this is all about racism.

Some would label such sentiments as racist, but others would note that every ethnicity naturally feels a special affection for its own kind.

I admit it. I admit it. I feel a special affection for the human race over apes. I'm not afraid to admit that.

Yet, in the West, outright invocations of white nationalism, such as the 1915 film "Birth of a Nation," were politically unacceptable, even in the '30s, and so the same race-conscious sentiments were encrypted into allegory -- in print or on celluloid.

Well, if you say so, man making gargantuan leaps in logic.

The new "Kong" drills home its race consciousness by making repeated references to Joseph Conrad's 1899 novel, "Heart of Darkness," which denigrates both the colonizing whites and colonized blacks. In the novel's climax, the once-idealistic character Kurtz writes of Africans, "Exterminate all the brutes!" Conrad presents Kurtz as crazy, but Africa is presented as a crazy-making place.

Okay, so far, the author of this piece has meandered from his original point of King Kong being racist, to the Lord of the Rings being racist, to Heart of Darkness, to. . . well, I'm not really sure what his point is any more.

The new Kong is, as always, a noble beast with a tender side. But, at the same time, his killing is presented as a cruel necessity. And at the end of the film, the white people -- love interests Naomi Watts and Adrien Brody -- are brought closer together, thanks to their brush with the big ape.

Again, I could care less if Jackson has cast two black people in the leading roles. It wouldn't change the story for me one bit. The fact that people like this piece's author are making such a stink about it seems to speak to their own prejudices more than anything. Good God, stick Halle Barry with Denzel Washington in there for all I care. Let's see a 20-foot-tall, destructive, skyscraper-scaling ape, God damnit!

But if the movie is so loaded with race-charged imagery, why isn't it being protested? Why aren't we seeing pickets and boycotts?

Hello?! Weren't you listening? There's a 20-foot-tall, destructive, skyscraper-scaling ape, God damnit!

Perhaps it's because today, as people look around the world, they see that most political strife is, in fact, ethnic strife. Folks like to say that "diversity is our strength," and they resolve to fight racism, but every day's news reminds us that ethnic conflict lurks in the human heart.

No, I like to say that. . . "LOOK! There's a 20-foot-tall, destructive, skyscraper-scaling ape, God damnit!"

That's a gloomy reality that "Kong" captures, in its crypto fashion, and so there's no point in getting worked up over it.

Finally! This guy makes some freakin' sense!

Indeed, since the film is entertaining -- like the similarly themed, much honored and extremely popular "Rings" movies of a few years back -- one might as well go see this one, too.

EXACTLY! So, what was the point of the rest of this column again?

IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED NOTE: This girl's really hot. That's right, Kyla Cole is hot. Kyla Cole is naked hot! Kyla Cole, Kyla Cole, Kyla Cole.

My Nick Coleman Fix

I'll admit it, I was all excited to see a new Nick Coleman column up at the Star-Tribune, but then I read it and realized that it's just so incredibly stupid, illogical, petty and poorly written (even by Coleman's standards), that it just didn't seem fair to kick something into the dirt that was already dragged through the mud by the author himself.

But, I still needed a Nick Coleman fix, so I decided to fish a random story off the Star-Tribune Web page and give it the patented Nick Coleman treatment.

Smoking Ban Rollback Is A Tragedy For Us All
By Nick Coleman

Well, the Minnesota Association for the Promotion of Lung Cancer (MAPLC) got its way this week when Hennepin County commissioners shamefully voted to roll back aspects of its county-wide smoking ban.

That's right, about the only thing we Minnesotans had to be proud of has been yanked out from under us, like a kick to the teeth, like a puff of smoke in the face, like forcing someone to read my columns.

Okay, I just looked it up, and asked a couple of my colleagues, and it turns out there is no such organization called MAPLC. Well, there oughta be. In fact, I may just start MAPLC myself, just so I can complain about it.

Anyway, back to my point, whatever the heck THAT is. Oh, right, the smoking ban rollback. Like I was saying, this is a travesty. Those fat cat Hennepin County Commissioners went and passed a ridiculous amendment that will allow allows "so-called" traditional bars to apply for exemptions to the ban, exemptions that would be in place until 2007. This is obviously asinine, and I don't even know what asinine means! But it sounds like a swear word, so it should probably be banned. I like banning stuff. Where was I, again? Oh, yes, smoking ban rollback.

Well, I was just getting madder and madder, so I decided to go out and discover what a "traditional" bar was. Imagine my surprise when, in the first bar I went to, they were serving, if you can believe this. . . ALCOHOL!

Now, I'm no Constitutional scholar, but I think I know a thing or two, maybe three tops, about the Constitution, and if there's one thing I know, it's that alcohol is illegal in this country. The InterWeb even says so!

After one year from the ratification of this article the manufacture, sale, or transportation of intoxicating liquors within, the importation thereof into, or the exportation thereof from the United States and all territory subject to the jurisdiction thereof for beverage purposes is hereby prohibited.

That seems pretty cut and dried to me!

I was just informed by my know-it-all colleague, James Lileks, that if I had read a little further I would have seen that the 18th amendment was repealed in 1933. Apparently, those turncoat fat cats on the Hennepin County board were members of Congress in 1933 or something.

Although I was admittedly crestfallen to learn that prohibition was repealed, I was still intent on reporting on this travesty of a smoking ban rollback, so I went straight back to that bar and ordered up a Shirley Temple and started bending some ears.

"I think it's great that people will have a choice of whether to smoke at bars again," said Tina McAfee, 26, who reeked of Jim Beam, cheap perfume, and who initially thought I had come into the bar looking for my son.

I imagine McAfee and her ilk won't be so rosy when they're hooked up to a respirator, coughing up bits of cancer-flecked lung tissue this time next year.

Because that's exactly what this smoking ban rollback is going to mean for Minnesota. Death, death and more death. And fat cats are going to get rich because they're going to find a way to make more potent tobacco out of human corpses.

I hate fat cats.

UPDATE: In addition to fixing the spelling error above, which was "poory written" (thank you very much flamingbanjo), I'd also like to point out that Mr. Cranky has almost certainly caught Nick Coleman in error.

Why, yes. . .

Yes I do find the Google ads for larger women's clothing amusing.

Vote Whore

Go here, and then vote for me on the right side, because I'm worth it, dammit.

Clothes Shopping disasters

When it comes to buying clothes for others, I generally screw things up in prime fashion. There's the obvious drawback that I have the fashion sense of a grizzly bear but, even more basic, I have no clue what size clothes people wear who aren't me.

This is particularly daunting when I'm out looking for clothes for the opposite gender, which in my case would be women. Women's clothes sizes often perplex me. What is a size six, really? What does it mean to be petite? At what point does a woman become plus size?

All of this came to a head yesterday when I went to the mall with my girlfriend so she could try on jackets and hint at which ones I should consider buying her for Christmas.

After watching my girlfriend try on roughly 1,098 jackets, I decided that, rather than stand there practicing my best impatient stares, it might be better if I start suggesting jackets to her to better speed up the process of her trying on every jacket in the store.

She seemed hesitant, but realizing that it would mean less exasperated breathing from me, she agreed, pointing out that I needed to pick out jackets that are a little larger than her typical clothes size because of all the winter clothes she'd be wearing underneath. So noted.

After awhile, I ambled into a section with leather coats, which were expensive but pretty cool, as most expensive things are. On a lark, I hoisted one off the wall and noticed that it was size "1X." Not having the first clue what "1X" meant, I brought the jacket over to my girlfriend and asked if she wanted to try it on. The look she gave me could have melted most standard-issue steel core doors.

"There's no way that would fit me!" she admonished.

Now, I'm a guy. So, when I hear "there's no way that would fit me," I naturally think, "oh, it's too small." Which of course set the stage for round two of clothing shame.

I went back to where I picked out the jacket, and saw "2X." Naturally, I thought, "that sounds bigger than 1X, so maybe that will fit her." I took the jacket off the wall, and thought briefly that the jacket looked like it would be almost sort of big on me, but whatever.

"Hey, I found a 2X. Want to try it on?"

She blinked at me for a bit, with a look of dumbstruck wonder.

"What's the matter with you? That's obviously not going to fit me!"

Again, my mind translated "not going to fit me" into "that's too small." I was a little surprised, because the 2X I held, in addition to seeming more than big enough, was also really heavy. I was wondering whether my girlfriend was planning on wearing 24 layers of clothes every day this winter. Nevertheless, I went back to the jackets, intent on finding a 3X, which would simply HAVE to be big enough.

It took some hunting, because apparently 3X sizes are very rare, but I finally found one, and I triumphantly returned to my girlfriend, wielding the massive jacket for her to see.

I honestly couldn't see her expression upon reaching her because, quite frankly, the jacket basically blocked her out completely. When I lowered the jacket/tent, my girlfriend was looking at me as though I'd completely lost my mind.

"Don't even think about asking me to try that on!"

"But, I don't think they make anything bigger," I explained.

"Of course they don't! That thing's HUGE! It would never fit me! It would fall right off my shoulders! What are you doing looking for jackets for me in the plus size section anyway?"

"Plus. . . what? What section?" I looked over towards where I found the jacket, and little Christmas lights started blinking and flashing in my head. "Oh. OH! --long string of assorted apologies--"

And that, dear readers, is how you ensure complete silence from your significant other for well over an hour.

Is It A Headline in The Onion

Or the Star-Tribune?

Can Archery Save Our Young People?

How Do You Know When Hollywood Is Out of Ideas?

Oh, you'll just know.

Reporters Leak Name of Secret Civilian

Former CIA Operative Now "Just Like Everybody Else."

WASHINGTON D.C. (Rhodes Media Services)-- In what will surely be a bombshell to the White House, sources today leaked that super-secret, double-hush-hush, tagsies-no-backsies CIA agent Valerie Plame is now no longer a CIA agent.

According to reports, two people who have known Plame for years confirmed her departure from the CIA on Friday, prompting many to question who those two unknown sources were, and why they leaked the name of a civilian who is now just like everybody else.

"In this day and age, with civil rights being stripped away like the clothes from an exotic dancer, we simply can not have people leaking the names of civilians to the press," said Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. "We must stand in support of privacy rights, like the support a brass pole provides for particularly nubile, unclothed women!"

Fitzgerald later apologized for his confusing analogy, saying that a recent recreational visit to a certain unnamed establishment may have been clouding his thinking.

Pop Up

Today's report is brought to you by the Internet. Perhaps you've heard of it? It's an electronic medium reportedly invented by one Al Gore, for the sole purpose of downloading illicit images of high profile celebrities in varying stages of undress.

It kind of just took on a mind of its own from there.

I use the Internet a lot. I use it at work, and I use it at home, which means I'm plugged into the Internet roughly 14 hours a day. That translates into a lot of Web-based advertising being beamed at my face.

I largely think I'm immune to online advertisements, although studies have been done that indicate I'm more susceptible than I may accept. Then again, studies have been done on the brittleness of cookies, so apparently there are studies conducted about pretty much everything, so studies can just go take a flying leap.

One type of online advertising that I do find hard to ignore, however, are pop-ups. I'm not saying that I actually pay attention to pop-up ads, but I do have to close the windows once they pop-up, in what amounts to an online game of digital "whack-a-mole."

It occurred to me that, on any given 14 hour online day, I probably close anywhere between 20 and 1,700 pop-up advertisements, and at the end of the day, I couldn't honestly tell anyone what any of those pop-ups were even advertising.

So, today my valued reader, I took it upon myself to actually take note of any pop-ups and actually report back to you, so you know what's hot and popping up online these days.

9:47 a.m. -- An advertisement for Orbitz Games, featuring the eternal question: "Where's my hotel?" We've all been there, haven't we? Stumbling out of an all night poker game in some back alley dive, your wallet empty, stinking of cheap booze and cigarettes, with several different shades of lipstick on your collar. You flag down the first car you see and blearily ask the driver "Where's my hotel?" And your house is only a block away.

10:57 a.m. -- VacationsToGo.com, touting "Save up to 75% on last minute cruises." Yes, for those of us with schedules as fluid as water, we can just hop on one of those last minute cruises. On a lark! Your boss encourages spontaneous week-long vacations. Heck he's packing your bags for you!

1:21 p.m. -- CitiBank pops up, saying "Sing the rewards of a job well done." How does one sing a reward? Citi doesn't take the time to answer such grammatically nuanced questions. They're too busy pointing out that you get a free iPod Shuffle when you get a CitiBusiness Card. Oh, sure, the interest rates are going to kill you, but at least you're jamming on your complimentary iPod.

2:35 p.m. -- LowerMyBills.com, with an odd ad featuring a picture of a roaring lion. And what is the lion roaring? "Refinance Now!" of course. Because, as everyone knows, lions are the go-to species when it comes refinancing. For retirement investment, you rely on spider monkeys. For car insurance, it's gotta be the gazelle.

4:10 p.m. -- UnderToneNetworks.com, advertising the little-known IN:NYC credit card, telling me to "Earn rewards to eat, drink & play in NYC hotspots." Sounds like a good deal, I guess, provided I live in New York City, which I don't. Somehow, I get the feeling I'm not the target audience for the ad.

5:39 p.m. -- I'm at home, where my Web surfing differs considerably from my work-related Web surfing. My first pop-up of the evening. . . well, I won't get into it. Suffice it to say, I was offerred the opporunity to grow a larger body part. But, honestly, what would I do with a longer arm?

7: 43 p.m. -- Two pop-ups at once, one for a Texas Hold 'em online offer, another being an ad for a Hold 'em poker strategy guide. Something tells me I may be a little too into Texas Hold 'em.

There was much more, of course but, this being a a clean blog and all, I won't delve into some of the more seedier pop-ups. Suffice it to say, there must be a lot of people with abnormally long arms out there.

Tis The Season

So I'm linking, once again, to this Christmas classic, which gets sent to me via a gazillion forwarded e-mails a day come this time of year.

Shoes, or death? Tough Call.

Ryan says: Saddam's not afraid of execution: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10318347/

Ryan says: Good to know.

Caroline says: Execution is cheaper than a shoe of an Iraqi?

Ryan says: Bumper sticker.

Caroline says: If I ever heard one

Ryan says: So many car accidents from people trying to figure that one out.

Caroline says: No doubt.

Ryan says: People standing in Pay Less thinking "This is a great deal, but execution would be cheaper."

Caroline says: Pay Lesser Executions.

FISK!

Okay, so Nick Coleman has apparently realized his writing blows goats or something, and hasn't written any of his usual tripe in nearly a month. *sacrifices a chicken and prays for a continuance of this* Unfortunately, the Star-Tribune op-ed writers are just as thick in the cranium as Ol' Nick, so I'll dabble in a little unusual Sunday fisking, just so I can walk around the rest of the day and know I did SOMETHING.

On Wednesday at the Naval Academy, President Bush said, "Advancing the cause of freedom and democracy in the Middle East begins with ensuring the success of a free Iraq."

Nothing sets the tone more than yet another derisive sneer at the concepts of freedom and democracy. Catch words, nothing more.

Yet that same morning the credibility of America's dedication to ensuring a "free Iraq" was undercut by information in a Los Angeles Times article, later picked up by other newspapers: The U.S. military has been writing positive news stories, disguising their American origins and getting them placed in Iraqi newspapers.

In other news, media organizations around America also reproduce press releases, virtually verbatim, from practically every business in America. Also, the next Harry Potter book is almost guaranteed to result in a media blitz carefully orchestrated by the Harry Potter PR machine. The key bit the Strib ignores from the LA Times article?

Though the articles are basically factual, they present only one side of events and omit information that might reflect poorly on the U.S. or Iraqi governments,

OH NO, the horror! Articles that are basically factual, but biased! Kind of like, you know, every media outlet in the WORLD. Can't have any positive news reaching people. That would have the unacceptable result of providing hope and optimism. That would be bad. Back to the Strib:

Through the U.S.-created Baghdad Press Club, American officers also have been paying friendly Iraqi journalists hundreds of dollars a month. How much they get depends on the number of pro-American stories they produce.

Hmm, so the free market seems alive and well in Iraq, it seems. One wonders, if al-Queda operatives were found to be paying Iraqi media outlets to present their stories, whether the L.A. Times and the Strib would be so keen to criticize. I'm guessing it wouldn't even be a blip on their radar.

It's beyond us how anyone can square efforts to turn the fledgling "free press" in Iraq into an American propaganda mouthpiece with the effort to export American democracy and the values that undergird it.

Oh, it's beyond them, is it? So is logic, apparently. Hey, Strib? Consult any U.S. propaganda of the WW II era, and you'll see obvious examples of just this sort of information war going on all over the place. Yet it's beyond them. Historians, they ain't. It's becoming increasingly obvious that the Strib, and many left-leaning media outlets, are not only clueless about how wars are fought, they have absolutely no idea what a war actually is. Beyond bullets and bombs, they're basically retarded.

Of course, this administration has used variants of these techniques at home to great effect, and to journalism's great shame.

This coming from a journalistic medium that hires Nick Coleman, and then actually prints his stuff. Journalistic shame? You're soaking in it.

This is the same administration that was caught paying American "journalists" large sums to promote the president's marriage initiative and No Child Left Behind Act.

Yes, to "journalists" who basically preached to their already won-over choirs. The Bush administration is hardly unique in this respect, either.

Those behind these efforts seem to have missed class when the basics of American democracy were explained -- especially the part about the essential role of a free and untrammeled press.

Hey, they were free NOT TO accept the money, right? Where's the trammeling here?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the most rambling paragraph in the history of op-eds:

The continuing story about the unmasking of CIA operative Valerie Plame has illuminated the great skill with which administration operatives have used the tantalizing narcotic of high-level access to coax feckless Washington journalists into suspending the critical faculties so essential to doing their jobs well.

Holy fucking shit. I love how, since the Strib has no apparent Washington correspondents of note, they still seem to know exactly what's going on with Washington journalists.

That helps explain why the national press did such a bad job of measuring prewar information about Saddam Hussein's weapons programs against reality.

You get that? It's the PRESS' job to measure prewar intelligence? Move over CIA, NSA, and every worldwide government intelligence agency. It's up to the PRESS to investigate such things. One can only shudder to imagine Nick Coleman and Maureen Dowd heading up the investigation of Iran's nuclear capabilities.

That failure in turn illuminates just how important an independent, aggressive, questioning press is to the effective functioning of a democracy -- here as well as in Iraq.

Nixon! Oh, for the days of Nixon! When we in the press actually amounted to something!

The U.S. State Department understands that. It is spending millions trying to develop professional, independent Iraqi media, only to now learn that the U.S. military is spending millions to achieve just the opposite.

Wait a minute. Just one minute here. Millions? Where did they get that figure? From the L.A. Times article we learn only that some journalists are paid hundreds of dollars a month to print pro-American, BASICALLY FACTUAL, articles. How does that transmogrify into millions of dollars? Is this the type of result we can expect once we turn over weapons intelligence gathering to Nick Coleman and Maureen Dowd?

That is simply bizarre. And it is another big kick in the teeth to American credibility around the world.

My mouf hurtsf afterff geffing kickedf in the teef.

And now, get ready for a segue-fest:

How on Earth can the United States seek to promote freedom, democracy and the rule of law when it is repeatedly shown to violate those very values -- by the way it treats those it has detained in the war on terror, by its misleading use of questionable intelligence in promoting an unnecessary war, by its highhanded refusal to play any longer by rules of international conduct it was instrumental in creating and by its deliberate efforts to undermine press independence?

So you see, ladies and gentlemen, paying to have BASICALLY FACTUAL information reproduced in Iraqi media outlets is tantamount to torture. And now the Strib will trot out the tired memes of "misleading" and "questionable intelligence" that have been debunked so many times, it's like a kick to the teeth to see them in print yet again. Oh, and just a niggling note here, but the word "earth" IS NOT CAPITALIZED!

With notable exceptions -- particularly the Knight Ridder Washington bureau -- the American press has ignored too many wake-up calls, including the Judith Miller fiasco, the Swift Boat vets, Jeff Gannon, the Plame affair and the entire Iraq disaster.

So many lefty talking points, it's almost as if the Strib is getting paid to. . . never mind.

The revelations of military propaganda operations in Iraq should be the last straw. If this cynical effort to undermine journalism doesn't finally cause the mainstream media to get back to doing their job the way it should be done, what will?

Yeah, this horrible, HORRIBLE revelation that the U.S. military conducts propaganda operations should really jump start the mainstream media. Why, such a thing has never happened before. Good God.

Right When I'm Supposed To Be

I sometimes seriously find myself thinking that I was absolutely meant to live at this moment in time. Had I lived at any other moment in time, I would not have fit in. If I had lived in, say, the 1950s, I honestly don't think I would have even made it beyond high school.

I mean, from what I understand about the 1950s, everyone was supposed to be interested in cars, or so the movie "Grease" has conditioned me to believe. I don't know anything about cars. Nothing. Never been interested in them beyond being a mode of transportation.

If my car breaks down, I'll pop the hood, look at the engine for awhile, maybe check the battery connections, check the oil if I'm REALLY ambitious, and then I'll start to cry. That simply wouldn't have gone over well in the 1950s.

If I were growing up in the 1950s, and I was talking with Danny Zuko, he'd probably be all, like, "Check out my car, man. It's automatic! Systematic! Hyyydromatic!" And I'd probably be all, like, "It's okay, I guess, but what would be really cool is if there were some way for a television to project some sort of game that you can remotely control with some sort of. . . of. . . remote control." And then Danny would just kind of look at me like I was a total moron, and I'd have no chance whatsoever at scoring with Betty Rizzo. And that would pretty much be the end of my social life forever.

Similarly, I don't think I could have grown up in the 1960s, either. Because, my understanding of the 1960s is that it was about sex, drugs and rock & roll which, on its face, sounds pretty cool, but I tend to think it would have gotten old pretty fast. I would have woken up one morning on the shag carpet floor of some living room somewhere, surrounded by hippy friends all asking each other "So, what do you want to do today?"

"Sex?"

"I was thinking drugs, man."

"Isn't it time for some rock & roll?"

At which point I'd interject with something along the lines of: "You know, all that sounds interesting and all, particularly the sex which, I'll be honest, I've really enjoyed. But, and I'm just thinking out loud here, wouldn't it be really neat if there was a type of interface we could all sit in front of and have access to all manner of information, entertainment and instantaneous worldwide news and opinion, all while being able to interact and communicate with one another, as well as people around the globe in a kind of worldwide web?"

And then all my hippie friends would nod and agree that my thinking was really deep, and then Sebastian would strum his guitar, Coyote would pass around some sort of recreational drug, and Starbright would usher me into her bedroom, and from there my future would basically be shot.

All of which feeds my belief that I was meant to live in the "here and now," starting in 1975, rather than the "there and earlier" of some other bygone age. Although, from what I understand, the era starting around the year 2350 is supposed to be pretty cool, too. Oh well.

Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker.

Knowledge

Ryan says: I know way too much about nothing.

Jody says: but it does come in handy though

Ryan says: Coming in handy and making me money are two totally different things.

Jody says: well, maybe that is your calling...Ask Jeezes

Jody says: Jeeves

Ryan says: Jeezes was Jesus's lesser known brother.

Jody says: LOL

Ryan says: He tried to preach like Jesus, but everyone just assumed he was sneezing.

Internet Fall Down, Go Boom!

Ryan says: This makes no sense. Even the intranet IBM internal sites are down. Yet MSN and e-mail work.

Evelyn says: yeah

Ryan says: This is very odd.

Ryan says: If I didn't know any better, I'd think somebody hacked something within IBM.

Evelyn says: It's not impossible.

Ryan says: This is rather hindering, isn't it?

Evelyn says: Yeah, I must admit that it is.

Ryan says: I'm working on the Storage article, and I'll come across a term I'm not sure of and think "I'll Google it."

Ryan says: Think again.

Evelyn says: Yeah, I'm trying to do my December distro list, but I can't get to BluePages.

Ryan says: Very unusual for the IntrAnet to be down.

Evelyn says: yeah it is

Ryan says: A bad omen it is. Time for the lamb's blood above the door.

Evelyn says: I'm sure it's the end of the world as we know it, to quote REM.

Ryan says: Isn't that kind of redundant?

Ryan says: If the world ends, in any way at all, don't you think it would be understood as the end of the world as we know it?

Evelyn says: I guess so.

Ryan says: Then again, singing "It's the end of the world as we thought it was" doesn't have the same ring to it.

Evelyn says: No, not really

Ryan says: *REM on* It's the point of demarcation for what we previously understood to be the reality of the geo-cultural norm. *REM off*

Ryan says: Boy, I'm annoying when the Internet's down.

Evelyn says: Yeah