Message of H.E. Dr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
To the American People
In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful
O, Almighty God, bestow upon humanity the perfect human being promised to all by You, and make us among his followers.
How's that for a letterhead? Come on, Mahmoud. Next time, since you're addressing the American People, how about a simple "To Whom it May Confuse," complete with a scrawled picture of a stress-frazzled person behind a desk. We Americans love that kind of shit. Keeps us happy.
Who? Me? Awww, shucks. I'm not noble. Well, not unless poop-talk is noble.
Were we not faced with the activities of the US administration in this part of the world and the negative ramifications of those activities on the daily lives of our peoples, coupled with the many wars and calamities caused by the US administration as well as the tragic consequences of US interference in other countries;
Were the American people not God-fearing, truth-loving, and justice-seeking, while the US administration actively conceals the truth and impedes any objective portrayal of current realities;
Were the Iranian people not under the thumb of theocratic mullahs determined to maintain their hold on power through disinformation, fomentation of hatred, and ridiculously bad fashion;
And if we did not share a common responsibility to promote and protect freedom and human dignity and integrity;
And if our Iranian justice system didn't include such penalties as, say, being executed by being thrown off a cliff in a sack (though he probably had it coming).
Then, there would have been little urgency to have a dialogue with you.
Well then, by all means, dialogue away, Homina-Homina-Homina-Homina-Hominejad.
While Divine providence has placed Iran and the United States geographically far apart,
Well, Divine providence. . . and plate tectonics. But why quibble?
we should be cognizant that human values and our common human spirit, which proclaim the dignity and exalted worth of all human beings (with a little bit less exalted worth for women on the Iranian end--Ed),
have brought our two great nations of Iran and the United States closer together.
Bosom buddies, we are.
Both our nations are God-fearing, truth-loving and justice-seeking, and both seek dignity, respect and perfection.
Mind you, Mahmoud's idea of truth-loving and justice-seeking, and dignity, respect and perfection, just maaaaaayyyyyy be a tad different than ours.
Both greatly value and readily embrace the promotion of human ideals such as compassion, empathy, respect for the rights of human beings (see women proviso above--Ed), securing justice and equity, and defending the innocent and the weak against oppressors and bullies.
Bullies? All right, fine, I'll let bullies go. His letter was five pages long, after all, there's no doubt plenty more I can make fun of.
We are all inclined towards the good, and towards extending a helping hand to one another, particularly to those in need.
Unless those helping hands have been caught stealing, in which case they must be chopped off, in which case those persons become persons in need. . . OF HANDS! For me to POOP on! Okay, I'll admit hand-chopping was a bit of an overgeneralization, but I don't care, because it's my blog.
We all deplore injustice, the trampling of peoples' rights and the intimidation and humiliation of human beings.
Not really. Have you SEEN the first round of American Idol? It's humiliation at its most delicious, and we LOVE IT.
We all detest darkness (I use a night light--Ed), deceit, lies and distortion, and seek and admire salvation, enlightenment, sincerity and honesty.
Personally, I seek porn because, well, it's just easier than seeking all those other things.
The pure human essence of the two great nations of Iran and the United States testify to the veracity of these statements.
That's not pure human essence, Mahmoud; that's AXE Body Spray. I know, I've made the mistake before myself. Don't feel bad.
Oh, jeez, man, knock it off. Now you're just spreading it on entirely too thick.
Our nation has always extended its hand of friendship to all other nations of the world.
Uh. Huh. They particularly like Syria, with a secret handshake understanding with North Korea. And, they're not too keen on Israel, if memory serves. Gosh, it's almost like he's being deceiving, but that can't be right, because he detests deceit; HE SAID SO!
Hundreds of thousands of my Iranian compatriots are living amongst you in friendship and peace, and are contributing positively to your society.
Yeah, ain't it funny how they choose to do that? Why, it's almost as if they had some sort of REASON to leave your country and opt, instead, to contribute positively to our society. I wonder what that reason could possibly be? Hey, maybe there are even MULTIPLE reasons. In fact, Mahmoud, my little penpal, perhaps you've noticed a considerable lack of Americans flocking to your national haven of Iranian justice, compassion and other nonsensical shit you're trying to sell us on here.
Our people have been in contact with you over the past many years and have maintained these contacts despite the unnecessary restrictions of US authorities.
Oh, those unnecessary restrictions. Kinda like those unnecessary campus raids and arrests. Or, you know, online.org/en/indexindex/articles/2005/3/iran-jailed-blogger-will-stay-in-prison.shtml">unnecessarily jailed bloggers. Or, you know what, how about unnecessary Internet+shake-up&doc_id=9557">Internet restrictions in general? Thankfully, those restrictions haven't kept about five or so Iranian Web surfers from reaching my blog each day, so that's a plus. Hi Iranians!
As mentioned, we have common concerns, face similar challenges, and are pained by the sufferings and afflictions in the world.
No, but my back's been killing me lately.
We, like you, are aggrieved by the ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people. Persistent aggressions by the Zionists are making life more and more difficult for the rightful owners of the land of Palestine.
Oh, no, let's not get into THIS AGAIN. You were doing so well, Mahmoud. Well, not really, but you were doing better. Let's go back to "Noble Americans." Those were good times.
In broad day-light, in front of cameras and before the eyes of the world, they are bombarding innocent defenseless civilians, bulldozing houses, firing machine guns at students in the streets and alleys, and subjecting their families to endless grief.
Boy, that sure sounds awfully one-sided. One almost gets the impression that we're not being told the whole story, but that can't be right, because that would be deceptive and. . . well. . . you know his stance on deceit.
No day goes by without a new crime.
Tell me about it. Some guy blew by me at over 70 miles per hour today. And he ran a red light. That was two crimes in one day.
Palestinian mothers, just like Iranian and American mothers, love their children, and are painfully bereaved by the imprisonment, wounding and murder of their children. What mother wouldn't?
Yeah, I'm going to hell for that one.
For 60 years, the Zionist regime has driven millions of the inhabitants of Palestine out of their homes. Many of these refugees have died in the Diaspora and in refugee camps. Their children have spent their youth in these camps and are aging while still in the hope of returning to homeland.
And the surrounding Middle Eastern countries have been so hospitable to these refugees. Welcomed them with open arms and showered them with sympathetic kisses and. . . er. . . never mind. Again, it seems like there's some part of this story we're not getting. Nah, that simply can't be.
You know well that the US administration has persistently provided blind and blanket support to the Zionist regime, has emboldened it to continue its crimes, and has prevented the UN Security Council from condemning it.
Speaking of turning a blind eye and emboldening crimes, how have things been with Hamas and Hezbollah, anyway? You guys still chummy?
Who can deny such broken promises and grave injustices towards humanity by the US administration?
Just the US? Come on, Mahmoud old pal. Can't you throw some love around to other countries that have broken promises and dabbled in grave injustices towards humanity? Can't you think of one? Just one? Think closer to home. Hell, think of home!
Governments are there to serve their own people.
Yeah, how's that been going for you? Shouldn't you be raiding a campus somewhere?
No people wants to side with or support any oppressors. But regrettably, the US administration disregards even its own public opinion and remains in the forefront of supporting the trampling of the rights of the Palestinian people.
Let's take a look at Iraq. Since the commencement of the US military presence in Iraq, hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have been killed, maimed or displaced. Terrorism in Iraq has grown exponentially.
Exponentially. Really? You keep using that word. I don't that word means what you think it means.
With the presence of the US military in Iraq, nothing has been done to rebuild the ruins, to restore the infrastructure or to alleviate poverty.
Nope, nothing at all. Well, not that you actually hear of anyway. There goes Mahmoud, again, being all non-deceitful.
The US Government used the pretext of the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but later it became clear that that was just a lie and a deception.
Great googily moogily. Mahmoud reads Daily Kos.
Although Saddam was overthrown and people are happy about his departure, the pain and suffering of the Iraqi people has persisted and has even been aggravated.
I wonder if Mahmoud is familiar with the term "crocodile tears."
In Iraq, about one hundred and fifty thousand American soldiers, separated from their families and loved ones, are operating under the command of the current US administration. A substantial number of them have been killed or wounded and their presence in Iraq has tarnished the image of the American people and government.
I wonder how tarnished our image was when Mahmoud and his boys were kidnapping American embassy hostages and holding them into infinity and beyond! Gosh, a tarnished American image in the Middle East. Why, that's gotta be a new development.
Their mothers and relatives have, on numerous occasions, displayed their discontent with the presence of their sons and daughters in a land thousands of miles away from US shores.
Does he have looped video of Cindy Sheehan running in his office or something?
American soldiers often wonder why they have been sent to Iraq.
And, of course, there's those who don't wonder why.
I consider it extremely unlikely that you, the American people, consent to the billions of dollars of annual expenditure from your treasury for this military misadventure.
Maybe not everyone, no, but I think you'd be surprised how many do.
Yessssss! We're back to being noble.
You have heard that the US administration is kidnapping its presumed opponents from across the globe and arbitrarily holding them without trial or any international supervision in horrendous prisons that it has established in various parts of the world. God knows who these detainees actually are, and what terrible fate awaits them.
And how are your Iranian prisons, Mahmoud? Like four star Hiltons, I imagine. Oh, and thank you for your concern regarding international supervision. Mind if we poke our heads around your human rights abuses, since human rights are apparently such an important item on your current list. Could we also have a peek at your nuclear capabilities? No? Well then, go fuck yourself.
You have certainly heard the sad stories of the Guantanamo and Abu-Ghraib prisons. The US administration attempts to justify them through its proclaimed "war on terror." But every one knows that such behavior, in fact, offends global public opinion, exacerbates resentment and thereby spreads terrorism, and tarnishes the US image and its credibility among nations.
Oh, there you go with that tarnished US image thing again. Hey, Mahmoud? How's that Holocaust myth thing going? You're a fine one to give pointers on how to avoid offending global public opinion, you fucking tool.
The US administration's illegal and immoral behavior is not even confined to outside its borders. You are witnessing daily that under the pretext of "the war on terror," civil liberties in the United States are being increasingly curtailed.
Yeah, I can't sleep at night, what with all the curtailing. I'm sure a few months breathing the freedom of Iranian air will make me fully understand how much American civil liberties have been curtailed, what with me rotting in a four star Iranian Hilton for blogging about your shitty hairdo.
Even the privacy of individuals is fast losing its meaning. Judicial due process and fundamental rights are trampled upon. Private phones are tapped, suspects are arbitrarily arrested, sometimes beaten in the streets, or even shot to death.
Whoa. Beaten in the streets? Shot to death? I think old Mahmoud has been watching a tad too much "24."
I have no doubt that the American people do not approve of this behavior and indeed deplore it.
Actually, I kinda like "24."
The US administration does not accept accountability before any organization, institution or council.
America. . . fuck YEAH!
The US administration has undermined the credibility of international organizations, particularly the United Nations and its Security Council.
The U.N. and the Security Council had credibility? Since when?
But, I do not intend to address all the challenges and calamities in this message.
No, he'll save that for his next pointless five-page love letter. Honestly, Ahmadinejad letters are poised to become the next Osama video craze.
The legitimacy, power and influence of a government do not emanate from its arsenals of tanks, fighter aircrafts, missiles or nuclear weapons.
That said, he'd sure like a nuke. Or 20 nukes. Not for the sake of legitimacy, mind you, but because nukes are pretty cool.
Legitimacy and influence reside in sound logic, quest for justice and compassion and empathy for all humanity.
And nukes. Lots and lots of nukes.
The global position of the United States is in all probability weakened because the administration has continued to resort to force, to conceal the truth, and to mislead the American people about its policies and practices.
Care to test that hypothesis, big guy? Come on, I dare you, poke the bear. We love being poked. So, poke away, Mr. Pokey Poke.
Undoubtedly, the American people are not satisfied with this behavior and they showed their discontent in the recent elections.
Oh, yeah. It just showed like Britney's cooze has been showing itself lately. Mahmoud, don't attempt to guess what a midterm election means for us. We have a lot of other issues, like gay marriage, stem cell research and a whole host of other issues voters have in mind when they go to the polls. If you're sending out this letter because you've been emboldened by midterm election results, you're. . . pssst. . . come closer. . . A DUMBASS!
I hope that in the wake of the mid-term elections, the administration of President Bush will have heard and will heed the message of the American people.
Go ahead and hope. Hope until you're blue in the balls. Convene a committee on hope, for all the good it will do you.
My questions are the following:
Is there not a better approach to governance?
I'll match our government model up against your government model any day of the week and twice on Sunday. You better bring your A Game. . . and your surrender flag.
Is it not possible to put wealth and power in the service of peace, stability, prosperity and the happiness of all peoples through a commitment to justice and respect for the rights of all nations, instead of aggression and war?
And nukes, right? You forgot nukes. You should really stop forgetting about nukes.
We all condemn terrorism, because its victims are the innocent (Unless it's directed against Israel. Then it's okay--Ed).
But, can terrorism be contained and eradicated through war, destruction and the killing of hundreds of thousands of innocents?
No, only through the carpet bombing of puppies and kittens and hearts and flowers.
If that were possible, then why has the problem not been resolved?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe TIME is a factor.
The sad experience of invading Iraq is before us all.
Yeah, I'm sure he's saddened to the core. Sad, sad, sad. He's not licking his chops in anticipation of a nice, fat, Iraqi meal. Nope, sad to the core he is.
What has blind support for the Zionists by the US administration brought for the American people?
Woody Allen? I keed, I keed.
It is regrettable that for the US administration, the interests of these occupiers supersedes the interests of the American people and of the other nations of the world.
So regrettable. Sooooo regrettable. You know, out of the entire Middle East, the only country that I've ever seen press releases for high technology products come across my desk for inclusion in the IBM magazines I edit have originated out of. . . Israel. It's just so regrettable having that innovative, productive country smack dab in the middle of a hostile area of the globe. Actually, I kind of view it as hopeful, inspiring even. But, hey, that's just me.
What have the Zionists done for the American people that the US administration considers itself obliged to blindly support these infamous aggressors? Is it not because they have imposed themselves on a substantial portion of the banking, financial, cultural and media sectors?
No, my Holocaust-denying friend, it's because after WWII, which very nearly led to the extermination of the Jews, those that remained were pretty much reviled by most of Europe, and generally fearing for their lives everywhere they went. So, they decided that maybe, just maybe, they should re-emphasize their bid to get their own country. You can quibble about where they chose to do so, and the methods used to achieve it. But there's a fantastic history lesson available here. It's a fascinating read, particularly if you view the Holocaust as a myth. Not everyone will agree with everything presented in it, but I think it's great. Iranian presidents may reach a different conclusion
I recommend that in a demonstration of respect for the American people and for humanity, the right of Palestinians to live in their own homeland should be recognized so that millions of Palestinian refugees can return to their homes and the future of all of Palestine and its form of government be determined in a referendum. This will benefit everyone.
Rrrright, and I'm assuming you're not suggesting here a complete withdrawal of Jews from Israel. What? You are? Well, I'll be. That will surely benefit EVERYONE. Well, everyone who matters to you anyway.
Now that Iraq has a Constitution and an independent Assembly and Government, would it not be more beneficial to bring the US officers and soldiers home, and to spend the astronomical US military expenditures in Iraq for the welfare and prosperity of the American people? As you know very well, many victims of Katrina continue to suffer, and countless Americans continue to live in poverty and homelessness.
Yes, we have poverty. Yes, we have homelessness. Hey, how are things going over there in Iran, Mahmoud. Licked that poverty and homelessness thing yet? You haven't? But, you have all that oil! Surely you can use all that oil revenue to bring your people up from their knees. Or, hey, how about diverting those funds from that nuclear program you just can't let go of and letting that money go to the Iranian people? No? Just a suggestion, since we're apparently throwing out stupid, Swiss-cheese holed suggestions. You cock hole.
I'd also like to say a word to the winners of the recent elections in the US:
The United States has had many administrations; some who have left a positive legacy, and others that are neither remembered fondly by the American people nor by other nations.
Gee, thanks for that all enlightening history lesson. Hey, did you know that Iran has had many leaders; some who have left a positive legacy (*snort* sorry, had to stifle a laugh there), and other that are neither remembered fondly by the Iranian people nor by other nations? Really! It's true! In fact, I think I'm writing to one RIGHT NOW!
Now that you control an important branch of the US Government, you will also be held to account by the people and by history.
Mahmoud, Mahmoud, Mahmoud, you really have no clue about the impact of midterm elections, do you?
If the US Government meets the current domestic and external challenges with an approach based on truth and Justice, it can remedy some of the past afflictions and alleviate some of the global resentment and hatred of America.
Uh, huh. Look, we're used to global resentment. We've been globally resented for years, decades even. As Cartman might say: "oh, those sweet, sweet tears of resentment; how I love them. All that resentment and hate, and you still can't swing a global-sized dead cat without hitting a McDonalds or a Coca-Cola can.
But if the approach remains the same, it would not be unexpected that the American people would similarly reject the new electoral winners, although the recent elections, rather than reflecting a victory, in reality point to the failure of the current administration's policies. These issues had been extensively dealt with in my letter to President Bush earlier this year.
That was a very rambling paragraph you penned there, Mahmoud. Worthy of Nick Coleman, you are. And you have no idea how much of an insult that is, I'm sure.
To sum up:
Oh, sweet Lord (Allah?) FINALLY!
It is possible to govern based on an approach that is distinctly different from one of coercion, force and injustice.
If I may paraphrase Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack for a moment: "Uhf, this is the worst Islamic-based theocratic government I've ever seen... you have a government like that and I bet you get a free batshit crazy president *turns to Iran* ... it works good for you though!"
It is possible to sincerely serve and promote common human values, and honesty and compassion.
Hey, thanks. We've had some hiccups along the way, but we've been doing pretty well as of late.
It is possible to provide welfare and prosperity without tension, threats, imposition or war.
Hey, well said. Now, if you'd just, you know, TRY IT SOME TIME.
It is possible to lead the world towards the aspired perfection by adhering to unity, monotheism, morality and spirituality and drawing upon the teachings of the Divine Prophets.
Don't look now, Mahmoud my good man, but you just insulted several million practicing Hindus, probably some Taoists, definitely a bunch of Buddhists, a few million Confucianists, and even a few Zoroastrians, I'm sure. I'm probably forgetting some, but I just wanted to point out that was one of the dumbest things you've written in this dipshit novella of yours'.
Then, the American people, who are God-fearing and followers of Divine religions, will overcome every difficulty.
Well, now you just went and pissed off all the atheists and agnostics. Care to go for a pissed off trifecta?
What I stated represents some of my anxieties and concerns.
I know that I'VE been losing sleep over your anxieties and concerns. Glad you got that out in the air for us to chew on.
I am confident that you, the American people, will play an instrumental role in the establishment of justice and spirituality throughout the world.
Wait a minute, haven't you just spent the last 8 bazillion words chastizing us for those very things? I'm so confused.
The promises of the Almighty and His prophets will certainly be realized, Justice and Truth will prevail and all nations will live a true life in a climate replete with love, compassion and fraternity.
Provided we all convert to Islam. Duly noted. Now go eat a cock.
The US governing establishment, the authorities and the powerful should not choose irreversible paths. As all prophets have taught us, injustice and transgression will eventually bring about decline and demise. Today, the path of return to faith and spirituality is open and unimpeded.
Again, atheists and agnostics, so sorry.
We should all heed the Divine Word of the Holy Qur'an:
Probably not the best time to be chucking the Qur'an at our heads, Mahmoud.
"But those who repent, have faith and do good may receive Salvation. Your Lord, alone, creates and chooses as He will, and others have no part in His choice; Glorified is God and Exalted above any partners they ascribe to Him." (28:67-68)
Man, he sure went and got all preachy there at the end. Must have been nearing prayer time.
I pray to the Almighty to bless the Iranian and American nations and indeed all nations of the world with dignity and success.
Awwwww, hey, thanks man. Now, as I said, go eat a cock.
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
My farts this morning are nearly capable of tearing through the very fabric of space-time. The word "pungent" is not good enough to describe the smell of these anal emanations. An entirely new word must be conjured to adequately capture the essence of these nose hair curling abominations:
Damned Olive Garden ravioli.
I wonder what other words fall outside the realm of freedom of speech?
You know what? It occurs that, even if you say "the N word," you and everyone else knows exactly what the "the N word" is. So, what's next? Ban the phrase "the N word?" Ban the phrase "the word previously known as 'the N word."
I just can't wait to see where this one is headed.
Daily Kos: Net neutrality is extremely important, because I desperately need an unfettered venue where I can continue my unhealthy fixation on Joe Lieberman.
Michelle Malkin: Net neutrality means that people who hate on me on their blogs can continue to hate me and post various pictures of me in unflattering poses, while being completely oblivious to their own mean-spirited prejudices.
Oliver Willis: Well, you're no Jessica Alba, that's for sure. I love Jessica Alba. Jessical Alba makes my peener twitch. Mmmm, Jessica Alba can neutralize my Net any day.
Daily Kos: Joseph Lieberman!
Lileks: My cute daughter, Gnat, does cute daughter things. And I have a neutralled dog named Jasper.
Lileks: I'm sorry, I meant "neutered" dog.
Andrew Sullivan: I have no idea what my stance is on Net neutrality today, but I'm gay, so that will give my eventual stance (which is likely to change more often than a baby's diaper) much more gravity, for some reason I haven't yet figured out.
Daily Kos: I feel the need to voice some sort of condescending shit about Net neutrality, which I do in *swish* there's moreville! *gong*
Instapundit: Digital cameras.
Lileks: I can't believe I confused "neutralled" and "neutered." I think I'll write a column about it. I have five columns due today, after all.
Michelle Malkin: Has anyone else noticed that the production quality of "Hot Air" could use some work?
Drudge: *spinning police light* "Malkin Cops to Shoddy Production Quality: Still a Pretty Hot Chick!"
Daily Kos: Joe Lieberman!
Oliver Willis: I like to think I'm like "Kryptonite to Stupid," and that there are somehow parallels between Superman and myself, and that I might have a chance with Jessica Alba. My peener just twitched again.
Lileks: You know, if you think about it, a neutered dog is pretty neutral. I mean, there's a reason both words share the same Latin roots. At least I think they're Latin roots. Excuse me for a moment; my daughter's doing something cute.
Instapundit: Tesla Racer.
Michelle Malkin: Come to think of it, how is it possible there can be so many pictures of me in unflattering poses? Overall, I think I'm pretty photogenic. One of life's great mysteries, I guess.
Daily Kos: Not as great a mystery as Joe Lieberman!
Instapundit: Heh. Indeed.
Mel and I happened to catch "Brokeback Mountain" last night on cable.
Could someone PLEASE tell me why there was all the hype about that movie again? It was so bad, it was comical. Honestly, Mel and I were laughing at it, and I'm pretty sure that's not the reaction it was going for.
Key quote, from Mel: "There was a lot more emotion when Mom found underwear that wasn't Dad's in the driveway."
After episode after episode after episode of "The Simpsons" not being funny, I FINALLY laughed last night.
"I'm laughing in that last one, but it was only because the cat fell down the stairs."
I mentioned awhile back that I attended a wedding in New York. Here's a picture of myself (left), and three of my lifelong friends, Andy, Marc (groom), and Jim. Marc is 6'6", to give ya'll a height perspective.
Can you believe I went to kindergarten with all three? Last year.
Aren't we about due for this year's permutation on the endless debate that is "The War on Christmas?"
Last year's version was extra chocolatey.
When the cafeteria is out of plastic forks AND parmesan cheese. No one left manning the Replenishing Chair.
"He wanted to go to a motel in the Bronx where I would defecate on him, but I told him I was uncomfortable going to the Bronx."
Now, in a bid to boost my search engine traffic, I'm going to shamelessly list a bunch of famous females:
Amber Tamblyn. Kirsten Dunst. Kristy Lee Cook. Jessica Sierra. Eva Mendes. Hilary Duff. Kiera Knightly. Amanda Bynes. Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Britney Spears. Kelly Clarkson. Christina Aguilera. Emma Watson. Ashley Tisdale. Amber Tamblyn. Kirsten Dunst. Kristy Lee Cook. Jessica Sierra. Eva Mendes. Amanda Overmeyer. Amanda Overmeyer. Amanda Overmeyer. Evanna Lynch. Evanna Lynch. Evanna Lynch.
I tell ya, if there's one thing I'll never be able to understand, it's the societal taboo of the "N" Word.
I mean, seriously. You let slip with that word, it can literally sink you. It can ruin your fucking life. I find that to be absolutely incredible. And just a little bit unfair.
Because the South Park links I provided earlier have now been sucked back into the world of copyright, I feel I should provide something else amusing. So, I give you. . . Ask A Ninja!
For more "Ask A Ninja," there plenty available on YouTube.
As someone who played Star Wars: Galaxies, for about a year and-a-half, this South Park episode hits entirely too close to home.
UPDATE: And I see Comedy Central lost no time getting those pulled from YouTube. Trust me, it was hysterical.
weather/11/17/eastern.storms.ap/index.html">Deadly storms flood Northeast; hundreds saved
How come there's never a good news story about a "Friendly Storm That Dropped By For a Sprinkle and a Chat?" You never see a headline that reads "Much Needed Tornado Cleanses Area of Unsightly Debris."
Or, how about "Storm-Struck Residents Agree: Death of Neighbor Couple 'Probably for the Best.'"
Could it hurt to look for that silver lining? A little effort? Storms have feelings, too.
Over the weekend, one of the upper tier cable channels (I'm thinking it was HBO, but I'm not sure) ran a Star Wars marathon that featured all six of the Star Wars movies in chronological order, from the annoying Jar-Jar Binks mistake to the improbable stone age Ewoks decimating an entire legion of the evil emporer's finest troops.
And of course, I had to watch, bleary eyed, at least twice. After all, I am of the Star Wars generation. I owned (and still own, somewhere) a few dozen of the original Star Wars action figures, including a couple of the snow fortresses from the Empire Strikes Back, and even the Ewok village, which is a little embarrassing to admit. So, I was required by little-known Star Wars law to sit through all six episodes, back to back.
And you know what? I have to say, I have some serious problems with the movies now that I've seen them all in order, tweaked as they've been by George Lucas's warped sense of the Force. First off, as pretty much any hardcore Star Wars fan will tell you: Greedo did NOT shoot first. If you don't know what that means, well, there's nothing I can do for you.
But all Lucas quibbling aside, there's something far more fundamental about the Star Wars series that's bothered me for years. Namely, I really think Anakin Skywalker got off far too easy in the end. Oh, sure, he died and got all frizzled by the emporer's finger lightning, but that's about it.
After a couple of decades gorging himself on the excesses of the Dark Side power as Darth Vader, Anakin's given an "awww, shucks, welcome to the glowy trio party! All's forgiven!" greeting by Obi-Wan and Yoda. All because he finely, FINELY decided to throw an elderly crippled man down a ventilation shaft. Hey, I could do that after work; there's plenty of elderly cripples walking around the Mayo Clinic to choose from. At least one of them must be evil. If I push one in front of a bus, do I get a "Get Into Heaven Free" card?
I mean, come ON! Isn't there, at least, some sort of Force purgatory? Shouldn't Anakin have had to work off a couple hundred years of pennance, you know, for slicing and dicing a temple full of younglings? Shouldn't he have had to sit in the corner for a few centuries to really think about that one before he could join the Glow Force Trio?
Or, you know what? Hey, didn't he just stand idly by while Grand Moff Tarkin ordered the blowing up of an entire freakin' planet? He just stood there and watched, clutching his daughter. He didn't even consider putting a little Force pressure on Tarkin's trachea.
Shouldn't there be some penalty for allowing "millions of voices to cry out in terror, and then be suddenly silenced," all for the sake of TESTING a battle station's firepower? I mean, that's some pretty hardcore apathy, even by our standards. Yet, Anakin's given a pass on that, all because he suddenly realized that, maybe, just maybe, that was wrong. "Oops, my bad! But, I killed a geezer, so all's forgiven, right?"
As an additional "you know what?," I feel I should point out that he also went and sliced off his own son's hand. Now, child abuse in our galaxy, right now, is pretty solidly frowned upon, so you'd think that long ago, in a galaxy far, far away that was far more technologically-advanced than our own, there would have been some sort of child services agency that had a ban on lopping off a child's hand. Granted, Luke was considerably older than a mere child, but if I went home over the weekend, and my dad came after me with an axe, intent on lopping off my hand, I'd have the cops over there putting on a serious beat down.
All of this just means I watched way, way, wayyyyyy too much Star Wars over the weekend.
See if you can spot the word that's scrupulously being avoided here:
It has come to our attention that the Nov. 10 editorial "Americans need their Congress back" contained phrases that should have been attributed to Hendrik Hertzberg of the New Yorker. We owe readers an explanation of how this happened.
I'm thinking of a word here. It's a word that came up more than just a couple of times during my journalism classes. In fact, it was hammered into my skull in countless college classes that required me to write ANYTHING. Can you guess what that word is?
The writer, who properly attributed other views included in the editorial, took notes on the Hertzberg piece, intending either to directly quote him or otherwise include some of his views, which coincided with the editorial staff's opinions on problems in Washington. Later, in consulting these notes, the writer inadvertently failed to distinguish which parts were direct quotes and which were paraphrased ideas, resulting in the writing of phrases that included an unattributed, improper mix of the two plus other points about Congress.
Huh, still no mention of the word I'm thinking of. I'll give you a hint: it starts with a "P," and ends with a "lagiarism." I'm also thinking of the term "inability to think for oneself." Strangely, there's no mention of either of those yet. Instead, we've been given a pretty lengthy excuse for why plagiarism was kind of okay, because it was sort of a mistake, you know, in this case. Granted, if I had made that mistake even once in college, I would have been facing expulsion. I wouldn't have even been given the chance to plead my case that it wasn't plagiarism; that it was, in fact, an "improper mix." Plus, it would have been on my academic record, hounding me and keeping me out of pretty much most any university that didn't offer a free steak to enrolling students.
To correct the record, the following should have been attributed to Hertzberg: the phrases "festival of bribery" and "the subcontracting of environmental, energy, labor, and health-care policymaking to corporate interests; ... efforts to suppress scientific truth," as well as a phrase that was paraphrased, "a set of economic and fiscal policies that have slowed growth, spurred inequality, replenished the ranks of the poor and uninsured, and exacerbated the insecurities of the middle class."
Great googily moogily. If that's not plagiarism, then plagiarism doesn't exist. But, they still won't call it that.
We take issues of journalistic ethics and practice very seriously.
All current glaring evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.
We have addressed this issue with the writer and sincerely regret that it occurred.
And, since it was an ANONYMOUS editorial, we're not privy to even know who that writer IS. Wow, I don't know about you, but I'm just floored by the journalistic ethics on display here.
Say it with me now. What was on display here, but never actually mentioned, and was attempted to be explained away by a lengthy bunch of nonsense?
So, the other night, I was trying to watch television, which has always required a laser-like focus on my part; any extraneous noise totally distracts me. It was while I was trying to focus on "Cindarella Man" that I became aware of Melissa's cell phone ringing in some other room in the house. It was faint, but very much there.
Mel didn't believe me. I had to practically plead my case in front of a grand jury to get her to go check her phone, and when she finally did, she had to admit that, yes, her phone was ringing.
All of which got me to thinking: why was I able to hear that when she couldn't? A little known fact about me is that I've been fearing for years that my hearing may be sub-par, because I have a lot of trouble focusing on conversation when there's a lot of ambient noise. If I'm with a crown of people all carrying on conversations, I can't for the life of me focus on any one of them. Conversation, for me, has to be one-on-one and dedicated, with little or no surrounding noise.
I started to really think about this, and I realized that it's a problem that hounds me all over. In Jiu-jitsu, for example, when the instructor is demonstrating techniques, I can barely make out what he's saying because I'm also hearing the sound of the boxing speed bag, the fighters in the practice ring, the fighters working the heavy bags, the God-awful Rochester music on the radio, etc. It's nearly impossible for me to focus.
And then I started to realize that I may, in fact, be unusually attuned to ambient noise. For example, my former office mate's carrot crunching drove me to absolute distraction, whereas most people would probably just shrug it off. Similarly, the sound of Mel chewing potato chips or peanuts also irritates me to no end, which is just plain irrational, unless you take into account the possibility I'm particularly attuned to it.
All of which makes me wonder how much of my life has been affected by this. I mean, is it mild ADD? I've managed to cope with it now for 31 years, so it can't be that debilitating, beyond being a slight annoyance.
But still, I really wonder.
A life got in the way
Is a moose's life worth so little?
Long answer: Yeah. Short answer: Yep.
The Department of Natural Resources decided to shoot the wayward moose dead instead of tranquilizing it because the tranquilizer would take 15 to 45 minutes to work and the moose might cause traffic problems during the wait (Star Tribune, Nov. 10).
A moose is a very large animal. A moose is a very dangerous, unpredictable, very large animal. It is an animal that can cause considerable damage to vehicles and presents a hazard to those who are driving said vehicles. 15 to 45 minutes waiting for a moose to take a nap is an eternity in Interstate time.
Isn't it worth a little inconvenience to save an animal's life? I am appalled that people think so little of taking a life if it gets in the way of human activity. We all share this planet.
Christ on a cross! These are the kinds of people who make me want to vomit thumb tacks. This reminds me of one of my first ever blog posts:
This deer insisted on going back on the interstate as if daring motorists to hit it. Of course, motorists kept opting to swerve and eventually some motorists stopped their vehicles and got out because "they wanted to help the deer." Now, I rarely stop on an freaking interstate, because cars go really fast on the interstate, and I certainly wouldn't expose my frail frame to oncoming traffic in the name of assisting a deer stupid enough to get hit by a car and then stick around for more. And yet, that's exactly what these folks were doing. Imagine if you will, a throng of about 10 morons running around in fields and on the interstate in a surreal game of wildlife tag. What would they have done had they caught the deer? Ride it? Put it in the trunk? I don't know if you're at all familiar with deer hooves, but they're as sharp as scissors and one good kick to the mid-section could disembowel our governor. So, my buddy arrives on the scene and promptly gets his squad car stuck in the median. So, he's not a happy man to start with. He grabs his shotgun and gets out of his car, careful to keep the shotgun hidden alongside his leg, lest the crowd of deer-chasing idiots realize what he's about to do and try to stop him. He yells at everyone to get back to their cars while he trudges across the field to meet personally with the deer. He gets within 25 feet, draws his shotgun, and, two blasts later, Bambi is no more, much to the shock of those watching who had no idea my buddy was carrying a shotgun. Well, now everyone is just horrified and offended, demanding to know why he used such excessive force, as if a wounded deer somehow should at least be read its miranda rights or given a last supper. Everyone wanted to know my buddy's name so they could report his abuse of power and write scathing letters to the editor for any newspaper that may listen. A little reality check, folks. The deer was a danger to traffic. It was wounded, and despite all the cries to save it, the DNR would have arrived later and done the same exact thing. Wounded deer are not tranquilized and carted off to petting zoos. They are destroyed. That's what is done with wounded deer. Get over it, get back in your cars, and stop being so stupid.
Honestly, people, stop being so utterly stupid. It bears repeated repeating.
RUTH "Deserves A Good Moose Trampling" PARSONS, VICTORIA
According to my most recent Google ads, "Democrats Suck." I have no confirmation on this one way or the other.
. . . BEFORE the election.
Who's next? Rove?
If there's one thing I dread each autumn, it's raking leaves. I put this task off until I can't possibly put it off any longer. If I could rake leaves in February, believe me, I'd do it.
The reason I put off raking until the Rapture is simple: no matter when I decide to rake the leaves, there will still be, roughly, 8 million more leaves waiting to fall from the trees, thus negating almost all my previous raking work.
I honestly think trees may have some sort of intelligence fuelling them, and that one of the few sources of entertainment they can draw upon during their solidly-rooted and otherwise boring lives is to taunt the stupid humans who insist on raking their annual leaf diarrhea. Oh, sure, they'll dump about 80 percent of their leaf load by the first week of November, but they'll clench tight to the remaining 20 percent until I get out their and clear the organic mess, at which point they'll release their clench and re-pollute my lawn. It's all very irritating.
Well, the whole process became all the more irritating last weekend when my girlfriend/wife-to-be (WTB) decided to commandeer the rake. You see, over the years, I've developed a sort of routine when it comes to raking. Namely, I only rake that which is absolutely necessary to keep the lawn from suffocating come the next spring. I'm okay with leaving some leaves, in other words. Those which I leave, I shred with one last mowing of the lawn. I find it saves a lot of work, a lot of bagging, and a lot of garbage bags.
The girlfriend/WTB, on the other hand, took a no-leaf-left-behind approach to raking. She insisted on raking the lawn with the obsessive/compulsive tenacity typically reserved for dedicated schizophrenics. She raked the lawn like she was trying to draw blood from the very earth itself. She was determined to get at leaves that I left sitting two years ago. Worms frantically dug themselves deeper to escape her chisel-plow raking technique. I could only stand back helplessly and wait to assist any Chinese who perhaps would claw their way out of one of her rake grooves.
In other words: she took raking leaves to an extreme not seen since mankind first came up with concept of a "lawn."
When I was finally able to wrestle control of the rake, I noticed that the wooden handle was actually bowed from the raking pressures forced upon it by my girlfriend/WTB, and it was only about seven minutes into my raking that the rake gave up the ghost and snapped in half in my very hands, no doubt grateful that it could die in the care of someone more gentle and less demanding.
That night, the girlfriend/WTB started to complain that her back was hurting and, considering the 9,000 lbs of force she applied to the rake most of the day, I couldn't say I was all that surprised.
As I fell asleep, I could hear the trees outside, quietly laughing amongst themselves as they unloaded their remaining leaves on my pristine lawn.
With apologies to The Koolaid Report for tromping on their hallowed fisking ground.
Too many shots
Tell me about it. Last weekend's bender was, like, a brain cell killer of the highest order and. . . oh, wait, you're not talking about THOSE kinds of shots.
I knew something sounded familiar when I read that Minneapolis fired their weapons 43 times in response to Wayne Reyes exiting his vehicle armed with a shotgun (Star Tribune, Nov. 1).
Okay, he didn't exit the vehicle armed with a wallet, or a white dove, or a multi-function dildo; he exited his vehicle with a SHOTGUN. Now, if I happen to be armed with a GLOCK when some motherfucker comes out of a vehicle weilding a shotgun, it's shoot first, ask questions later. What's more, I'm going to fire every round in my GLOCK's magazine. I'm not going to fire once and ask Mr. Shotgun whether I hit center mass.
Even though Reyes was armed, were 43 bullets from six police weapons justified?
Now, I'm just spitballing here, but if the police in question were armed with a Glock 17, which is the pistol of choice for a couple of my law enforcement friends, we're talking a magazine capacity of 17 cartridge rounds per weapon. So, there's a combined Swiss cheese potential of 6 x 17 = 102. In other words, those police used half the restraint I would have had I been in their position. Good job, guys! *SALUTE*
I am as concerned about the Minneapolis Police Department as I am about violent crime in Minneapolis.
Oh, well then, you're a fucking moron.
Is this the kind of policing that Minneapolis needs?
Yes, if you're crazy enough to exit a vehicle with a shotgun when surrounded by six law enforcement officers. Perhaps they should have held their fire and asked Mr. Shotgun whether his father abused him as a child and then offerred Mr. Shotgun a Tootsie Pop and a hug?
I don't think so. I am interested to see how new Minneapolis Police Chief Tim Dolan will handle this tragic incident.
Personally, I hope he hands out more bullets
JOHN "PANSY MILQUETOAST" SULLIVAN, MINNEAPOLIS
I'm Ryan Rhodes, and I approve this ThunderJournal post.
Paid for by the "Last Minute Write-In Campaign For Ryan Rhodes Committee."
I promise to do whatever it is you expect your elected official to do. If elected, I'll do things. I promise.
I'm Ryan Rhodes, and I approve this ThunderJournal post.
Paid for by the "Last Minute Write-In Campaign For Ryan Rhodes Committee."
The man was lying on a tree stump,
Masturbating beside a nature path,
His hand went thump, thump. . . thump, thump, thump.
To the beat of his maturbatory wrath.
Whilst nature's chipmunks, bunnies and birds,
Went merrily on their happy way,
The man spoke no uttered words,
He had nothing at all to say.
I'm trapped on the phone with IBM Help this morning. First, I incorrectly dialled, which led to a hysterical "WTF?" moment. Hey, quick homework assignment: try dialling 1-800-IBM-HELP, and see what happens. It will change your life, I promise. And it's TOLL FREE!
Are you back? Cool. Hope you had a good time.
Anyway, when I dialled the correct number, I was obviously routed through to India, where I was assisted by an Indian (dot, not feathers) who spoke far better English than I can speak, er. . . Indian? Nevertheless, it was still an Indian with a very thick accent, so the end result was me without my problem solved. So, I called again, and again I was routed on over to India, and again my problem remained unresolved due to the accent barrier.
The third time was the charm, as I was actually routed to a native English speaker, presumably here in America, who was able to fix my problem in under a minute.
I can't help but think there's a lesson in there. . . somewhere.
So, I got home from work yesterday and noted that something was being recorded on the DIVX box. I checked what it was and noted, with disgust, that it was the Oprah Winfrey Show. Apparently, it's not enough now for Melissa to simply catch the show when she can; now she has to record the dreck.
About 8 p.m. or so last night, as I was surfing around the Internet, Melissa comes into my office and says "I have to measure your waist, baby." Now, I was about to acquiesce to the measuring, thinking she was pondering her Christmas gift list or something, when I caught snippets of dialogue coming from the living room television, and I realized she was watching her Oprah show, and it was about some sort of weight management pop-culture nonsense for which Oprah is so popular for glomming onto. And, for some reason, it all just made me really mad.
I'm not sure why it made me so mad. Maybe it's because I've been buying 32 inch waist jeans since I've been 18 years old. Maybe it's because I still wear jeans I've had since 2001. Maybe it's because I'm 6' and 175 lbs. (as of weighing myself after jiu-jitsu last weekend), so it's a bit insulting to have my waist measurement questioned at all. Maybe it's because I detest the idea of having my waist measured because of the Oprah fuckin' Winfrey show. Whatever the reason, I flat out refused to play along, and Melissa left my office in a huff.
As a general rule, Melissa and I have radically differing television preferences. I prefer the History Channel and the Discovery Channel. She prefers Deal or No Deal. But, the Oprah Winfrey Show is particularly annoying to me. That woman could just die tomorrow, and I'd probably let out just a little bit of a giggle.
Yes, I'm in a particularly pissy mood for a Friday. It happens.
So, I've been reading all sorts, and I mean ALL SORTS, of articles about polls showing that Republicans are going to lose so bad in this mid-term election, that they may as well be better off not showing their heads after Nov. 7 until around the time the groundhog inspects its shadow.
Now, I'm just curious here, but if Nov. 7 proves to not be the Republican bloodbath all these polls are showing, what will that mean for polls overall? I've never really liked polls (too many of them, in my opinion), but I've still managed to cling to a spider-web spindle of faith in at least some of them. So if, come Nov. 8, there's not, at least, five dead Republicans on my doorstep (cause of death, several donkey kicks to the head), I'm not sure I'll ever again have any faith whatsoever in polls and those who hold them up as gospel.
Then again, I have so little faith in anything nowadays, a loss of faith in polls probably won't matter all that much.
UPDATE: Except for poop and fart talk. I'll always have faith in that. In fact, I'm thinking about establishing a church set up specifically to worship poop and farts. Adherents will engage in Communion and witness the wonders of Transubflatulation.