November 29, 2006

It's Not Often You Get To Fisk A World Leader

Message of H.E. Dr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
To the American People

In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful

O, Almighty God, bestow upon humanity the perfect human being promised to all by You, and make us among his followers.

How's that for a letterhead? Come on, Mahmoud. Next time, since you're addressing the American People, how about a simple "To Whom it May Confuse," complete with a scrawled picture of a stress-frazzled person behind a desk. We Americans love that kind of shit. Keeps us happy.

Noble Americans,

Who? Me? Awww, shucks. I'm not noble. Well, not unless poop-talk is noble.

Were we not faced with the activities of the US administration in this part of the world and the negative ramifications of those activities on the daily lives of our peoples, coupled with the many wars and calamities caused by the US administration as well as the tragic consequences of US interference in other countries;


Were the American people not God-fearing, truth-loving, and justice-seeking, while the US administration actively conceals the truth and impedes any objective portrayal of current realities;

Were the Iranian people not under the thumb of theocratic mullahs determined to maintain their hold on power through disinformation, fomentation of hatred, and ridiculously bad fashion;

And if we did not share a common responsibility to promote and protect freedom and human dignity and integrity;

And if our Iranian justice system didn't include such penalties as, say, being executed by being thrown off a cliff in a sack (though he probably had it coming).

Then, there would have been little urgency to have a dialogue with you.

Well then, by all means, dialogue away, Homina-Homina-Homina-Homina-Hominejad.

While Divine providence has placed Iran and the United States geographically far apart,

Well, Divine providence. . . and plate tectonics. But why quibble?

we should be cognizant that human values and our common human spirit, which proclaim the dignity and exalted worth of all human beings (with a little bit less exalted worth for women on the Iranian end--Ed),

have brought our two great nations of Iran and the United States closer together.

Bosom buddies, we are.

Both our nations are God-fearing, truth-loving and justice-seeking, and both seek dignity, respect and perfection.

Mind you, Mahmoud's idea of truth-loving and justice-seeking, and dignity, respect and perfection, just maaaaaayyyyyy be a tad different than ours.

Both greatly value and readily embrace the promotion of human ideals such as compassion, empathy, respect for the rights of human beings (see women proviso above--Ed), securing justice and equity, and defending the innocent and the weak against oppressors and bullies.

Bullies? All right, fine, I'll let bullies go. His letter was five pages long, after all, there's no doubt plenty more I can make fun of.

We are all inclined towards the good, and towards extending a helping hand to one another, particularly to those in need.

Unless those helping hands have been caught stealing, in which case they must be chopped off, in which case those persons become persons in need. . . OF HANDS! For me to POOP on! Okay, I'll admit hand-chopping was a bit of an overgeneralization, but I don't care, because it's my blog.

We all deplore injustice, the trampling of peoples' rights and the intimidation and humiliation of human beings.

Not really. Have you SEEN the first round of American Idol? It's humiliation at its most delicious, and we LOVE IT.

We all detest darkness (I use a night light--Ed), deceit, lies and distortion, and seek and admire salvation, enlightenment, sincerity and honesty.

Personally, I seek porn because, well, it's just easier than seeking all those other things.

The pure human essence of the two great nations of Iran and the United States testify to the veracity of these statements.

That's not pure human essence, Mahmoud; that's AXE Body Spray. I know, I've made the mistake before myself. Don't feel bad.

Noble Americans,

Oh, jeez, man, knock it off. Now you're just spreading it on entirely too thick.

Our nation has always extended its hand of friendship to all other nations of the world.

Uh. Huh. They particularly like Syria, with a secret handshake understanding with North Korea. And, they're not too keen on Israel, if memory serves. Gosh, it's almost like he's being deceiving, but that can't be right, because he detests deceit; HE SAID SO!

Hundreds of thousands of my Iranian compatriots are living amongst you in friendship and peace, and are contributing positively to your society.

Yeah, ain't it funny how they choose to do that? Why, it's almost as if they had some sort of REASON to leave your country and opt, instead, to contribute positively to our society. I wonder what that reason could possibly be? Hey, maybe there are even MULTIPLE reasons. In fact, Mahmoud, my little penpal, perhaps you've noticed a considerable lack of Americans flocking to your national haven of Iranian justice, compassion and other nonsensical shit you're trying to sell us on here.

Our people have been in contact with you over the past many years and have maintained these contacts despite the unnecessary restrictions of US authorities.

Oh, those unnecessary restrictions. Kinda like those unnecessary campus raids and arrests. Or, you know,">unnecessarily jailed bloggers. Or, you know what, how about unnecessary Internet+shake-up&doc_id=9557">Internet restrictions in general? Thankfully, those restrictions haven't kept about five or so Iranian Web surfers from reaching my blog each day, so that's a plus. Hi Iranians!

As mentioned, we have common concerns, face similar challenges, and are pained by the sufferings and afflictions in the world.

No, but my back's been killing me lately.

We, like you, are aggrieved by the ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people. Persistent aggressions by the Zionists are making life more and more difficult for the rightful owners of the land of Palestine.

Oh, no, let's not get into THIS AGAIN. You were doing so well, Mahmoud. Well, not really, but you were doing better. Let's go back to "Noble Americans." Those were good times.

In broad day-light, in front of cameras and before the eyes of the world, they are bombarding innocent defenseless civilians, bulldozing houses, firing machine guns at students in the streets and alleys, and subjecting their families to endless grief.

Boy, that sure sounds awfully one-sided. One almost gets the impression that we're not being told the whole story, but that can't be right, because that would be deceptive and. . . well. . . you know his stance on deceit.

No day goes by without a new crime.

Tell me about it. Some guy blew by me at over 70 miles per hour today. And he ran a red light. That was two crimes in one day.

Palestinian mothers, just like Iranian and American mothers, love their children, and are painfully bereaved by the imprisonment, wounding and murder of their children. What mother wouldn't?

Andrea Yates?

Yeah, I'm going to hell for that one.

For 60 years, the Zionist regime has driven millions of the inhabitants of Palestine out of their homes. Many of these refugees have died in the Diaspora and in refugee camps. Their children have spent their youth in these camps and are aging while still in the hope of returning to homeland.

And the surrounding Middle Eastern countries have been so hospitable to these refugees. Welcomed them with open arms and showered them with sympathetic kisses and. . . er. . . never mind. Again, it seems like there's some part of this story we're not getting. Nah, that simply can't be.

You know well that the US administration has persistently provided blind and blanket support to the Zionist regime, has emboldened it to continue its crimes, and has prevented the UN Security Council from condemning it.

Speaking of turning a blind eye and emboldening crimes, how have things been with Hamas and Hezbollah, anyway? You guys still chummy?

Who can deny such broken promises and grave injustices towards humanity by the US administration?

Just the US? Come on, Mahmoud old pal. Can't you throw some love around to other countries that have broken promises and dabbled in grave injustices towards humanity? Can't you think of one? Just one? Think closer to home. Hell, think of home!

Governments are there to serve their own people.

Yeah, how's that been going for you? Shouldn't you be raiding a campus somewhere?

No people wants to side with or support any oppressors. But regrettably, the US administration disregards even its own public opinion and remains in the forefront of supporting the trampling of the rights of the Palestinian people.

Trample, trample.

Let's take a look at Iraq. Since the commencement of the US military presence in Iraq, hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have been killed, maimed or displaced. Terrorism in Iraq has grown exponentially.

Exponentially. Really? You keep using that word. I don't that word means what you think it means.

With the presence of the US military in Iraq, nothing has been done to rebuild the ruins, to restore the infrastructure or to alleviate poverty.

Nope, nothing at all. Well, not that you actually hear of anyway. There goes Mahmoud, again, being all non-deceitful.

The US Government used the pretext of the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but later it became clear that that was just a lie and a deception.

Great googily moogily. Mahmoud reads Daily Kos.

Although Saddam was overthrown and people are happy about his departure, the pain and suffering of the Iraqi people has persisted and has even been aggravated.

I wonder if Mahmoud is familiar with the term "crocodile tears."

In Iraq, about one hundred and fifty thousand American soldiers, separated from their families and loved ones, are operating under the command of the current US administration. A substantial number of them have been killed or wounded and their presence in Iraq has tarnished the image of the American people and government.

I wonder how tarnished our image was when Mahmoud and his boys were kidnapping American embassy hostages and holding them into infinity and beyond! Gosh, a tarnished American image in the Middle East. Why, that's gotta be a new development.

Their mothers and relatives have, on numerous occasions, displayed their discontent with the presence of their sons and daughters in a land thousands of miles away from US shores.

Does he have looped video of Cindy Sheehan running in his office or something?

American soldiers often wonder why they have been sent to Iraq.

And, of course, there's those who don't wonder why.

I consider it extremely unlikely that you, the American people, consent to the billions of dollars of annual expenditure from your treasury for this military misadventure.

Maybe not everyone, no, but I think you'd be surprised how many do.

Noble Americans,

Yessssss! We're back to being noble.

You have heard that the US administration is kidnapping its presumed opponents from across the globe and arbitrarily holding them without trial or any international supervision in horrendous prisons that it has established in various parts of the world. God knows who these detainees actually are, and what terrible fate awaits them.

And how are your Iranian prisons, Mahmoud? Like four star Hiltons, I imagine. Oh, and thank you for your concern regarding international supervision. Mind if we poke our heads around your human rights abuses, since human rights are apparently such an important item on your current list. Could we also have a peek at your nuclear capabilities? No? Well then, go fuck yourself.

You have certainly heard the sad stories of the Guantanamo and Abu-Ghraib prisons. The US administration attempts to justify them through its proclaimed "war on terror." But every one knows that such behavior, in fact, offends global public opinion, exacerbates resentment and thereby spreads terrorism, and tarnishes the US image and its credibility among nations.

Oh, there you go with that tarnished US image thing again. Hey, Mahmoud? How's that Holocaust myth thing going? You're a fine one to give pointers on how to avoid offending global public opinion, you fucking tool.

The US administration's illegal and immoral behavior is not even confined to outside its borders. You are witnessing daily that under the pretext of "the war on terror," civil liberties in the United States are being increasingly curtailed.

Yeah, I can't sleep at night, what with all the curtailing. I'm sure a few months breathing the freedom of Iranian air will make me fully understand how much American civil liberties have been curtailed, what with me rotting in a four star Iranian Hilton for blogging about your shitty hairdo.

Even the privacy of individuals is fast losing its meaning. Judicial due process and fundamental rights are trampled upon. Private phones are tapped, suspects are arbitrarily arrested, sometimes beaten in the streets, or even shot to death.

Whoa. Beaten in the streets? Shot to death? I think old Mahmoud has been watching a tad too much "24."

I have no doubt that the American people do not approve of this behavior and indeed deplore it.

Actually, I kinda like "24."

The US administration does not accept accountability before any organization, institution or council.

America. . . fuck YEAH!

The US administration has undermined the credibility of international organizations, particularly the United Nations and its Security Council.

The U.N. and the Security Council had credibility? Since when?

But, I do not intend to address all the challenges and calamities in this message.

No, he'll save that for his next pointless five-page love letter. Honestly, Ahmadinejad letters are poised to become the next Osama video craze.

The legitimacy, power and influence of a government do not emanate from its arsenals of tanks, fighter aircrafts, missiles or nuclear weapons.

That said, he'd sure like a nuke. Or 20 nukes. Not for the sake of legitimacy, mind you, but because nukes are pretty cool.

Legitimacy and influence reside in sound logic, quest for justice and compassion and empathy for all humanity.

And nukes. Lots and lots of nukes.

The global position of the United States is in all probability weakened because the administration has continued to resort to force, to conceal the truth, and to mislead the American people about its policies and practices.

Care to test that hypothesis, big guy? Come on, I dare you, poke the bear. We love being poked. So, poke away, Mr. Pokey Poke.

Undoubtedly, the American people are not satisfied with this behavior and they showed their discontent in the recent elections.

Oh, yeah. It just showed like Britney's cooze has been showing itself lately. Mahmoud, don't attempt to guess what a midterm election means for us. We have a lot of other issues, like gay marriage, stem cell research and a whole host of other issues voters have in mind when they go to the polls. If you're sending out this letter because you've been emboldened by midterm election results, you're. . . pssst. . . come closer. . . A DUMBASS!

I hope that in the wake of the mid-term elections, the administration of President Bush will have heard and will heed the message of the American people.

Go ahead and hope. Hope until you're blue in the balls. Convene a committee on hope, for all the good it will do you.

My questions are the following:

Is there not a better approach to governance?

I'll match our government model up against your government model any day of the week and twice on Sunday. You better bring your A Game. . . and your surrender flag.

Is it not possible to put wealth and power in the service of peace, stability, prosperity and the happiness of all peoples through a commitment to justice and respect for the rights of all nations, instead of aggression and war?

And nukes, right? You forgot nukes. You should really stop forgetting about nukes.

We all condemn terrorism, because its victims are the innocent (Unless it's directed against Israel. Then it's okay--Ed).

But, can terrorism be contained and eradicated through war, destruction and the killing of hundreds of thousands of innocents?

No, only through the carpet bombing of puppies and kittens and hearts and flowers.

If that were possible, then why has the problem not been resolved?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe TIME is a factor.

The sad experience of invading Iraq is before us all.

Yeah, I'm sure he's saddened to the core. Sad, sad, sad. He's not licking his chops in anticipation of a nice, fat, Iraqi meal. Nope, sad to the core he is.

What has blind support for the Zionists by the US administration brought for the American people?

Woody Allen? I keed, I keed.

It is regrettable that for the US administration, the interests of these occupiers supersedes the interests of the American people and of the other nations of the world.

So regrettable. Sooooo regrettable. You know, out of the entire Middle East, the only country that I've ever seen press releases for high technology products come across my desk for inclusion in the IBM magazines I edit have originated out of. . . Israel. It's just so regrettable having that innovative, productive country smack dab in the middle of a hostile area of the globe. Actually, I kind of view it as hopeful, inspiring even. But, hey, that's just me.

What have the Zionists done for the American people that the US administration considers itself obliged to blindly support these infamous aggressors? Is it not because they have imposed themselves on a substantial portion of the banking, financial, cultural and media sectors?

No, my Holocaust-denying friend, it's because after WWII, which very nearly led to the extermination of the Jews, those that remained were pretty much reviled by most of Europe, and generally fearing for their lives everywhere they went. So, they decided that maybe, just maybe, they should re-emphasize their bid to get their own country. You can quibble about where they chose to do so, and the methods used to achieve it. But there's a fantastic history lesson available here. It's a fascinating read, particularly if you view the Holocaust as a myth. Not everyone will agree with everything presented in it, but I think it's great. Iranian presidents may reach a different conclusion

I recommend that in a demonstration of respect for the American people and for humanity, the right of Palestinians to live in their own homeland should be recognized so that millions of Palestinian refugees can return to their homes and the future of all of Palestine and its form of government be determined in a referendum. This will benefit everyone.

Rrrright, and I'm assuming you're not suggesting here a complete withdrawal of Jews from Israel. What? You are? Well, I'll be. That will surely benefit EVERYONE. Well, everyone who matters to you anyway.

Now that Iraq has a Constitution and an independent Assembly and Government, would it not be more beneficial to bring the US officers and soldiers home, and to spend the astronomical US military expenditures in Iraq for the welfare and prosperity of the American people? As you know very well, many victims of Katrina continue to suffer, and countless Americans continue to live in poverty and homelessness.

Yes, we have poverty. Yes, we have homelessness. Hey, how are things going over there in Iran, Mahmoud. Licked that poverty and homelessness thing yet? You haven't? But, you have all that oil! Surely you can use all that oil revenue to bring your people up from their knees. Or, hey, how about diverting those funds from that nuclear program you just can't let go of and letting that money go to the Iranian people? No? Just a suggestion, since we're apparently throwing out stupid, Swiss-cheese holed suggestions. You cock hole.

I'd also like to say a word to the winners of the recent elections in the US:

The United States has had many administrations; some who have left a positive legacy, and others that are neither remembered fondly by the American people nor by other nations.

Gee, thanks for that all enlightening history lesson. Hey, did you know that Iran has had many leaders; some who have left a positive legacy (*snort* sorry, had to stifle a laugh there), and other that are neither remembered fondly by the Iranian people nor by other nations? Really! It's true! In fact, I think I'm writing to one RIGHT NOW!

Now that you control an important branch of the US Government, you will also be held to account by the people and by history.

Mahmoud, Mahmoud, Mahmoud, you really have no clue about the impact of midterm elections, do you?

If the US Government meets the current domestic and external challenges with an approach based on truth and Justice, it can remedy some of the past afflictions and alleviate some of the global resentment and hatred of America.

Uh, huh. Look, we're used to global resentment. We've been globally resented for years, decades even. As Cartman might say: "oh, those sweet, sweet tears of resentment; how I love them. All that resentment and hate, and you still can't swing a global-sized dead cat without hitting a McDonalds or a Coca-Cola can.

But if the approach remains the same, it would not be unexpected that the American people would similarly reject the new electoral winners, although the recent elections, rather than reflecting a victory, in reality point to the failure of the current administration's policies. These issues had been extensively dealt with in my letter to President Bush earlier this year.

That was a very rambling paragraph you penned there, Mahmoud. Worthy of Nick Coleman, you are. And you have no idea how much of an insult that is, I'm sure.

To sum up:

Oh, sweet Lord (Allah?) FINALLY!

It is possible to govern based on an approach that is distinctly different from one of coercion, force and injustice.

If I may paraphrase Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack for a moment: "Uhf, this is the worst Islamic-based theocratic government I've ever seen... you have a government like that and I bet you get a free batshit crazy president *turns to Iran* ... it works good for you though!"

It is possible to sincerely serve and promote common human values, and honesty and compassion.

Hey, thanks. We've had some hiccups along the way, but we've been doing pretty well as of late.

It is possible to provide welfare and prosperity without tension, threats, imposition or war.

Hey, well said. Now, if you'd just, you know, TRY IT SOME TIME.

It is possible to lead the world towards the aspired perfection by adhering to unity, monotheism, morality and spirituality and drawing upon the teachings of the Divine Prophets.

Don't look now, Mahmoud my good man, but you just insulted several million practicing Hindus, probably some Taoists, definitely a bunch of Buddhists, a few million Confucianists, and even a few Zoroastrians, I'm sure. I'm probably forgetting some, but I just wanted to point out that was one of the dumbest things you've written in this dipshit novella of yours'.

Then, the American people, who are God-fearing and followers of Divine religions, will overcome every difficulty.

Well, now you just went and pissed off all the atheists and agnostics. Care to go for a pissed off trifecta?

What I stated represents some of my anxieties and concerns.

I know that I'VE been losing sleep over your anxieties and concerns. Glad you got that out in the air for us to chew on.

I am confident that you, the American people, will play an instrumental role in the establishment of justice and spirituality throughout the world.

Wait a minute, haven't you just spent the last 8 bazillion words chastizing us for those very things? I'm so confused.

The promises of the Almighty and His prophets will certainly be realized, Justice and Truth will prevail and all nations will live a true life in a climate replete with love, compassion and fraternity.

Provided we all convert to Islam. Duly noted. Now go eat a cock.

The US governing establishment, the authorities and the powerful should not choose irreversible paths. As all prophets have taught us, injustice and transgression will eventually bring about decline and demise. Today, the path of return to faith and spirituality is open and unimpeded.

Again, atheists and agnostics, so sorry.

We should all heed the Divine Word of the Holy Qur'an:

Probably not the best time to be chucking the Qur'an at our heads, Mahmoud.

"But those who repent, have faith and do good may receive Salvation. Your Lord, alone, creates and chooses as He will, and others have no part in His choice; Glorified is God and Exalted above any partners they ascribe to Him." (28:67-68)

Man, he sure went and got all preachy there at the end. Must have been nearing prayer time.

I pray to the Almighty to bless the Iranian and American nations and indeed all nations of the world with dignity and success.

Awwwww, hey, thanks man. Now, as I said, go eat a cock.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

President of the Islamic Republic of Iran

Posted by Ryan at November 29, 2006 07:35 PM | TrackBack

It's Not Often You Get To Fisk A World Leader

From the Urban Dictionary:

Good Fisking tends to be (or at least aim to be) quite logical, and often quotes the other article in detail, interspersing criticisms with the original article's text.

Though I guess you're going for the more recent definition:

To copy an article to your blog, then after every paragraph insert your own oh-so-witty comments. You don't actually have to refute or analyze anything you don't agree with, because ad hominem attacks like "this douche prick is obviously a goatfucker" is basically the same thing.

So, you know, good on you.

Posted by: Joshua at November 30, 2006 05:13 PM

Hey, thanks!

Posted by: Ryan at December 4, 2006 06:00 PM

"America. . . FUCK YEAH!"

Simply. Fabulous.

Posted by: Troy at December 6, 2006 09:56 PM
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