Sept. 19, 2088, Associated Blog Press (ABP)--WASHINGTON--The election battle for the White House went negative today, as Democratorque candidate, Sen. Zanzibar Ortiz Cruzeman, attacked his RepublicanZord opponent, Sen. Thomas Jackson, for being too old and out of touch with the average American citizen.
Specifically, Cruzeman pointed out Jackson is unable to telepathically communicate with others because he has no nannite implants, whereas Cruzeman is known to have no less than seven such implants and is in telepathic contact with dozens of friends and colleagues.
The Jackson campaign countered, pointing out their candidate is unable to undergo the necessary procedures for implanting nannites due to harsh mental treatment he received years ago when he was held prisoner during the Chinese Incursion of 2053; a conflict, they point out, Cruzeman was too young to even participate in. On the campaign trail, Jackson attempted what was assumed to be some sort of joke, saying "those nannite implants just seem like midichlorians, when you think about it." No one seemed to know what the senator was referring to.
Cruzeman, the first presidential candidate in American history born to an impregnated male, has steadfastly maintained that his relative youth and inexperience will nevertheless serve him well as President, and he's been consistent in his message that he will bring further light to the plight of transgendered-birth individuals.
For the Jackson campaign, controversy still swirls over his unexpected vice-presidential selection of Angie Starling, a relatively unknown governor of the lunar colony, Absolom 7. Despite her insistence and reputation as an opponent of the practice of legislative bookmarking, evidence suggests she worked to secure federal funding for the so-called "Space Elevator To Nowhere." Starling also experienced her own nannite implant problems when one of her implants was hacked into, in a particularly nasty violation of her privacy, and several of her family memories were broadcast over the SpaceNet.
The Cruzeman campaign has undergone its own vice presidential gaffe woes, with Cruzeman's V.P. selection, Adrian Krosos, saying a Cruzeman presidency will work to redistribute wealth from the top one percent to help grow America's middle class, a baffling statement, considering America's wealthiest one percent established their own separatist colony on Mars in the "Great Wealth Secession of 2079." When pressed on this gaffe, Krosos was quoted as saying "it sounded better in front of a mirror."
On the economic front, stocks plummeted earlier this week on news that Solar Flare Storm Betty had crippled nearly 4 million solar panels nationwide, sending energy prices soaring and re-charging the debate about the need to research better Helium 3 lunar mining techniques. Critics of this research continue to maintain the lunar surface should be kept pristine for future generations and that further mining could upset the fragile lunar ecosystem, even though no life has ever been discovered on the moon.
The confluence of the solar storm devastation and the ongoing sub-optimus prime mortgage loan crisis, has sent the Dow Jones Industrial Average index down 8,000 points, or 1.2 percent, a point drop not seen since the "Great Overreaction of 2070." Financial markets have been reeling, with the U.S. government, the largest holder of financial institutions in America since "The Unwise Government Overreach of 2008", looked to itself to bail itself out, a move that financial experts nationwide called "pretty much impossible."
No one is certain how all of this will play out come November, and current polls have both candidates deadlocked. With six weeks to go to Election 2088, an anxious nation waits.
As some of you may know, my Geode Twin side-kick, Caroline, had a baby earlier this summer and has been on maternity leave. Thus, our routine MSN IM conversations, which are usually a huge hit here, read by literally ones and twos of you, have basically dried up.
Well, Caroline and I are still in occasional e-mail contact, and today she forwarded something she called "A Cat and a Swear Word," which was, true to her description, a series of pictures featuring a cat and a mouse and an eventual swear word. It lead to the following e-mail exchange:
Me: "A Cat and a Swear Word" is a sitcom that NEEDS to be made.
Caroline: Absolutely it is. The theme song would have to be the Perfect Strangers theme song and the laugh track would just be cats meowing. I'll get working on it.
Me: You know, a sitcom like that would probably actually be considered pretty darned good entertainment by a disturbing number of people. I think the thought of a meowing laugh track is freakin' hilarious. Also, the main character cat would normally speak English, but would meow when swearing, kind of like the Smurfs. I'm telling you, the possibilities here are BOUNDLESS. . . well, except for being limited to a cat main character, I mean.
Caroline: Yes, yes. A cat that normally speaks English, but NEVER answers when asked a question. The cats could be named after famous cats in TV history. Azreal in honor of the Smurfs and Toonsis in honor of when SNL was funny. And didn't ALF try to eat the family cat on that show? He could be the wacky next-door neighbor. Maybe that's going too far ...
Me: The first rule of "A Cat and a Swear Word" is: You can never go too far with "A Cat and a Swear Word." The chance to bring ALF back to television should never be dismissed.
Caroline: ALF can always stand for "A Legendary Feline." We have some big ideas, you and I. If only we could make money off of them. Alas, "A Cat and a Swear Word" will die and join TotalTard Magazine.
We need Odin Soli to man up and create another chick blog we can all escape into. But, instead of gappy teeth, the new creation should have some sort of more exotic cosmetic problem, like she was born without her left nipple or something.
He could call it. . . "Just a Girl Missing Her Nip."
I'm going to start a financial institution, loan money to all sorts of high risk applicants, and wait for the government to bail me out when it all goes South.
Not sure why I didn't think of this before. . .
NOTE: I can't take full credit for this idea; my cousin and I were bouncing this concept off each other during a family reunion back in August.
So, you know how wildly popular mixed martial arts and the UFC have become, what with all those professional fighters and the blood and knockouts and the glaven?
I think an even more popular fighting venue would be one in which complete fighting novices are thrown into the octagon to do hand-to-hand combat. Better yet, just select complete office nerds who have only made a fist in their lives for masturbatory purposes.
It could be set up, managed and marketed almost exactly like the UFC, only it would be called something like. . . the USB. And it would be aired on the Discovery Channel.
The first fight would feature Erwin "The Keyboard" Schemple against Julian "The Julian" Breckenridge.
Schemple, a 29-year-old Web page specialist out of San Francisco, with a professional fight record of 0-1 (having lost an ice cream cone to a girl after she kicked his groin when he was eight years old), would be known for sudden nose bleeds and a reliance on hypoallergenic pillows.
Breckenridge, a 31-year-old online day-trader from St. Louis, would be known for throwing elaborate "Lord of the Rings" role-playing parties and his particularly well-crafted, but entirely empty, insults and threats posted on assorted online forums.
The fights would entail all the hype and build-up we've come to expect of UFC bouts, complete with one-on-one interviews with the fighters. However, instead of the confident smack-talk of the UFC, the USB interviews would feature uncertain, timid and basically terrified-combatants.
More on this later. . .
Are people really, REALLY influenced by election lawn signs? They've always struck me as such a completely useless eyesore. If you base your vote on a lawn sign you saw in your neighborhood, you may require a groin-punching.
There are few things that cause me quite the same flavor of anxiety as when I open my wallet and realize I'm missing my debit card. Granted, it doesn't happen very often, but when it does, all my neurons come alive and start sparking with every potential scenario involving a sinister card thief with a black handlebar moustache, draining my savings account in 10 minutes on e-Bay.
So it was, when I went to pay for gas last night and was confronted with an empty wallet slot usually reserved for my debit card, I basically started to freak out. I rushed home, called my credit union, pulled up my account information online, and basically looked like Jack Bauer trying to disarm a bomb. DAMN IT!
Well, it turns out, I apparently forgot to retrieve my card from an ATM after making a withdrawal Sunday afternoon, and the ATM ate my card after I hadn't retrieved it after 30 seconds. The credit union had mailed it back to me, but of course I cancelled it last night, fearing the worst, so when I get the card back, it will basically be a useless plastic rectangle. I suppose I could frame it or something, as a reminder to always retrieve my debit card. . .DUMBASS.
I'm not sure why, exactly, but my perception of the online world right now seems to indicate people are starting to step back from the insanity of ubiquitous online commentary. Oh, sure, the commentary is still rampant and often unhinged, but it just seems as if more stable people are basically saying "whatever. . . not interested."
It's about time.
In tribute to SiteMeter's ridiculous upgrade and subsequently wise rollback, I thought I'd dedicate today's ThunderJournal posting to haikus about SiteMeter. Feel free to take part in the comments, or e-mail (because I know my comment engine sucks donkey balls).
Thank you, SiteMeter
For change we can't believe in.
Thank God for rollbacks.
For reading blog stats
I rely on SiteMeter
Their upgrade sucked ass.
I could not log in
Nothing seemed to work at all
Upgrade? What the fuck?
A million voices
Cry out against SiteMeter
Can someone say FAIL?
It's not that often
Something sucks across the board
Congrats, SiteMeter!
As Web face-lifts go
This was pure Michael Jackson
Without the young boys.
Well, at least SiteMeter had the common sense to rollback to their old version. If Star Wars Galaxies had done that a few years ago, I'd possibly still be playing. Sometimes, just because you CAN change something doesn't mean you SHOULD.
Get off my lawn.
