Me: Could I get a foot long Philly cheese steak sandwich.
Sandwich Artist: I'm sorry, we're out of the Philly cheese steak. We're also out of prime rib.
Me: Oh. Okay. I'll get a foot long chicken breast. . .
S.A.: I'm sorry, we're also out of chicken breast.
Me: Ah. Well, do you have turkey breast.
S.A.: Yes we do.
Me: All right, I'll have a turkey breast foot long on honey oat.
S.A.: I'm sorry, we're out of honey oat bread. We have plenty of wheat, though.
Me: *ahem* I guess I'll have a foot long turkey breast on wheat then.
S.A.: What kind of cheese do you want on that.
Me: *wary* Pepper Jack?
S.A.: I'm sorr. . .
Me: American, then.
S.A.: Do you want that toasted?
Me: I'm not sure. . . is your toaster working?
S.A.: Oh yeah!
Me: Well, then I guess I'll have it toasted.
*sub toasts*
S.A.: Do you want the works on this?
Me: No, but I'll go extra spinach.
S.A.: I'm sorry, but JUST ran out of spinach.
Me: Of course you did. . . lettuce then.
S.A.: Extra lettuce?
Me: No.
Me: Tomatoes.
Me: Extra onion.
S.A.: I'm really sorry, but we're out of onion right now.
Me: You're out of ONION?
S.A.: Yes, I'm really very sorry.
Me: But. . . didn't you just ask me if I wanted "The Works" on it? Aren't onions part of "The Works?"
S.A.: You're right, and I'm sorry about that. I get so used to saying "The Works" that it was just kind of automatic.
Me: I understand. Green peppers?
S.A.: We do have. . . oh, wait. *to co-S.A.* Hey, check in back and see if there's any more green peppers.
*green pepper waiting interim*
Co-S.A.: We don't have any more green peppers, but I found one last thing of onions.
Me: *in my head* 10. . . 9. . . 8. . . 7. . . 6. . . 5. . .
S.A.: Sorry about that. Do you still want extra onion?
Me: Yes. Please.
S.A.: Any sauces?
Me: *to self* Is that question directed at me, or is he asking if this Subway has any remaining sauces?
Me: *to S.A.* No, thank you, and you don't need to cut it.
S.A.: *cuts sandwich in two, realizes what he just did*
Me: *in my head* 4. . . 3. . . 2. . .
S.A.: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Me: Don't worry about it.
*get to the register, notice with a wry and slightly disgusted smile that there's a sign saying this particular Subway was out of Scrabble game pieces; note with irony that, spelled out in Scrabble letters, is the word "SORRY."
*get to the chip display and start scanning for Cool Ranch Doritos. After a few seconds, I start to reach the conclusion that. . . "
Co-S.A: If you're looking for Cool Ranch Doritos, we ran out earlier today. Sorry about that.
Me: Me too.
I'm so bloody-frickin sick of this neverending election cycle. I feel like I've been absorbing presidential election bullcrap, non-stop, since 2001. It certainly doesn't help that media organizations have glommed onto politics as their saving grace and report the shit until it's nonsensical. It's been filling my brain cells with useless information, when I could have been using those brain cells to formulate a plan for sleeping with Sarah Chalke. But, nooooooo, now I'm all married and shit. Way to go, election cycle! Dick!
Side-note to Sarah Chalke: call me.
Anyway, I think a good way to bridge the national political divide would be to call a one-week, work-free holiday immediately following the election. During one day of that week, people in town and cities across the nation should gather and meet at accepted neighborhood get-togethers and have bonfires consisting only of election signs and flyers. Have a cook-out. Play games. Just celebrate not having to hear anything about an upcoming election for one glorious week.
Mostly, though, I just want a week off work.
Awhile back, I wrote a freelance article for an IT think tank that explored what the future look and feel of the Internet may have in store. I interviewed Daniel Nations, freelance writer and editor for About.com's "Guide to Web Trends."
One of the areas that didn't make it into the article, but which I found extremely fascinating--in addition to his opinions regarding newspapers vs. the Web--was the current state of the online, link-based economy. Rather than let that part of the interview wither and eventually get taped over, I thought I'd post it here, for any of you who may be interested. Here's what Nations had to say:
Newspapers, most of them kind of shot themselves in the foot because they were very antagonistic towards the Web for the longest time, and way too many of them still are. Early on, it was just too difficult for people within the newspaper industry to figure out how to really make any money on the Web; they were just too reliant on their print economic models, and too slow to adapt. The Web, on the other hand, has evolved and adapted practically on a weekly basis. Just look at what Web pages looked like back in, say, 2003 compared to today's Web pages; by comparison, newspapers changed very little, if at all. Now, some of them are starting to catch on, although a little late in the game, coming to terms with the online community aspects of the Web and how to attract and retain readers.
Thrown into all this has been the emerging and sometimes competing opinions on what has more value: content or links. Clearly, I think the value is in linking. People are still sometimes struggling with this idea that linking to other sites is good; it seems so contrary, but it's cooperative game theory at its best, something that seems contrary to your own interests but at the end of the day it's going to do you good. This is an area that newspapers and a lot of other news media have trouble wrapping their heads around, because you may have all these news aggregator and similar sites popping up that snip a portion of a news article as a tease and then link to the original site and the entire article. This is kind of a gray area, because you start walking into areas of copyright law and plagiarism and fair use and a lot of other hot button issues. But, when it comes right down to it, those news aggregator sites are creating links to the original content, and those links are being clicked by people who would otherwise probably never have even visited the originating site if it hadn't been linked elsewhere. And this isn't limited to news aggregator sites, either. You have Stumbleupon and Twitter and forums and all these Web-based applications and sites that are potential links and traffic.
The #1 thing you want to do if you want a successful Web page with a lot of traffic, is to be ranked high in Google, and a sure way to get there is to gain a lot of legitimate links to your content. Interesting content is important, but content means nothing without links to it, and a lot of them. Links are sort of the equivalent of online currency, which is something a lot of people just don't understand yet. Links are valuable.
However, it's important to understand that simply linking to someone else doesn't mean it's entirely okay to snip some or all of an article; people have a genuine claim to content they've created, and while some people are enthusiastic about being excerpted and linked, you have to respect those people who don't necessarily want their content essentially copy-and-pasted. I would say there are more people out there who want to be linked and quoted, but that's not everyone.
So, let me get this straight, if it works, the new Large Hadron Collider is capable of putting lipstick on a pig?
I just don't get science.
Let's face it: robbery, theft and other such thieving derivatives represent a very real and serious problem plaguing humanity. I say this as a man who has had probably $9.84 in change stolen from my assorted vehicles over the last 15 years. I really should start locking my doors more frequently.
Anyway, as I was saying, theft and robbery in any form should be frowned up with the full frowning power of one million frowners, including this great nation's Frowning Fathers, a dour bunch if ever there was one.
All of this was a confusing and only-mildly-funny segue into the heart of this post, which is intended to explore the dark and unusual underbelly of theft and robbery crimes that are apparently sweeping America.
For example, according to a Sept. 8, Associated Press (AP) report out of Fresno, Calif., authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.
This is one of my greatest fears, incidentally; to wake up in the middle of the night, only to realize, not only have I been robbed, I'VE BEEN TENDERIZED. I honestly don't think there's any amount of therapy available to deal with the mental repercussions of such a violation. I'd be doomed to a lifetime of nightmares involving myself and Mrs. Dash. "shudder"
Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack. He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house.
See, now that's just sad. He went through all the effort of a vigorous spice rubbing and assault with a not-particularly deadly sausage, and then he goes and leaves his wallet and ID behind. It would have been the perfect, befuddling crime, but then he went and messed it all up through what can only be described as "debilitating stupidity."
Not all random, audaciously bizarre criminals are apprehended, however. Some thieves are just too savvy and up-to-date on the methods employed by law enforcement officials. Others, it can be argued, are just chock full of dumb luck.
Take another example, this time a Sept. 5, AP report out of Dallas, which informs us a wheelchair getaway at a 7-Eleven has police looking for an unusual robbery suspect. Authorities said Friday that a man in a wheelchair entered a Dallas convenience store this week, rolled straight toward the cash register and began hitting it with a baseball bat.
Although you can certainly question the baseball bat tactic of going after the cash register, versus simply pressing the "No Sale" key, you have to admire the straightforwardness and focus on the robbery task at hand. Unfortunately, that laser-like focus apparently faltered:
But he didn't grab any cash. The suspect instead stole 10 boxes of condoms and an energy drink before making his getaway Wednesday afternoon, Dallas police Cpl. Kevin Janse said.
Well, to be fair, attacking a cash register with a baseball bat is probably thirsty work. As for the ten boxes of condoms. . . that's pretty much anybody's guess.
Janse said the culprit may have been homeless and probably intoxicated at the time.
Homeless and intoxicated is no excuse. This man must be frowned upon with as much frowning power as we can muster.
Come to think of it, "Frowning Muster" would make a great spice rub. . .
