September 17, 2008

New Fight Craze

NOTE: I can't take full credit for this idea; my cousin and I were bouncing this concept off each other during a family reunion back in August.

So, you know how wildly popular mixed martial arts and the UFC have become, what with all those professional fighters and the blood and knockouts and the glaven?

I think an even more popular fighting venue would be one in which complete fighting novices are thrown into the octagon to do hand-to-hand combat. Better yet, just select complete office nerds who have only made a fist in their lives for masturbatory purposes.

It could be set up, managed and marketed almost exactly like the UFC, only it would be called something like. . . the USB. And it would be aired on the Discovery Channel.

The first fight would feature Erwin "The Keyboard" Schemple against Julian "The Julian" Breckenridge.

Schemple, a 29-year-old Web page specialist out of San Francisco, with a professional fight record of 0-1 (having lost an ice cream cone to a girl after she kicked his groin when he was eight years old), would be known for sudden nose bleeds and a reliance on hypoallergenic pillows.

Breckenridge, a 31-year-old online day-trader from St. Louis, would be known for throwing elaborate "Lord of the Rings" role-playing parties and his particularly well-crafted, but entirely empty, insults and threats posted on assorted online forums.

The fights would entail all the hype and build-up we've come to expect of UFC bouts, complete with one-on-one interviews with the fighters. However, instead of the confident smack-talk of the UFC, the USB interviews would feature uncertain, timid and basically terrified-combatants.

More on this later. . .

Posted by Ryan at September 17, 2008 08:13 AM | TrackBack

I imagine it would look something like this:

Posted by: Keith at September 18, 2008 11:19 AM

Ah, yes. A CLASSIC.

Posted by: Ryan at September 18, 2008 11:38 AM
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