Sept. 19, 2088, Associated Blog Press (ABP)--WASHINGTON--The election battle for the White House went negative today, as Democratorque candidate, Sen. Zanzibar Ortiz Cruzeman, attacked his RepublicanZord opponent, Sen. Thomas Jackson, for being too old and out of touch with the average American citizen.
Specifically, Cruzeman pointed out Jackson is unable to telepathically communicate with others because he has no nannite implants, whereas Cruzeman is known to have no less than seven such implants and is in telepathic contact with dozens of friends and colleagues.
The Jackson campaign countered, pointing out their candidate is unable to undergo the necessary procedures for implanting nannites due to harsh mental treatment he received years ago when he was held prisoner during the Chinese Incursion of 2053; a conflict, they point out, Cruzeman was too young to even participate in. On the campaign trail, Jackson attempted what was assumed to be some sort of joke, saying "those nannite implants just seem like midichlorians, when you think about it." No one seemed to know what the senator was referring to.
Cruzeman, the first presidential candidate in American history born to an impregnated male, has steadfastly maintained that his relative youth and inexperience will nevertheless serve him well as President, and he's been consistent in his message that he will bring further light to the plight of transgendered-birth individuals.
For the Jackson campaign, controversy still swirls over his unexpected vice-presidential selection of Angie Starling, a relatively unknown governor of the lunar colony, Absolom 7. Despite her insistence and reputation as an opponent of the practice of legislative bookmarking, evidence suggests she worked to secure federal funding for the so-called "Space Elevator To Nowhere." Starling also experienced her own nannite implant problems when one of her implants was hacked into, in a particularly nasty violation of her privacy, and several of her family memories were broadcast over the SpaceNet.
The Cruzeman campaign has undergone its own vice presidential gaffe woes, with Cruzeman's V.P. selection, Adrian Krosos, saying a Cruzeman presidency will work to redistribute wealth from the top one percent to help grow America's middle class, a baffling statement, considering America's wealthiest one percent established their own separatist colony on Mars in the "Great Wealth Secession of 2079." When pressed on this gaffe, Krosos was quoted as saying "it sounded better in front of a mirror."
On the economic front, stocks plummeted earlier this week on news that Solar Flare Storm Betty had crippled nearly 4 million solar panels nationwide, sending energy prices soaring and re-charging the debate about the need to research better Helium 3 lunar mining techniques. Critics of this research continue to maintain the lunar surface should be kept pristine for future generations and that further mining could upset the fragile lunar ecosystem, even though no life has ever been discovered on the moon.
The confluence of the solar storm devastation and the ongoing sub-optimus prime mortgage loan crisis, has sent the Dow Jones Industrial Average index down 8,000 points, or 1.2 percent, a point drop not seen since the "Great Overreaction of 2070." Financial markets have been reeling, with the U.S. government, the largest holder of financial institutions in America since "The Unwise Government Overreach of 2008", looked to itself to bail itself out, a move that financial experts nationwide called "pretty much impossible."
No one is certain how all of this will play out come November, and current polls have both candidates deadlocked. With six weeks to go to Election 2088, an anxious nation waits.
Posted by Ryan at September 19, 2008 09:46 AM | TrackBack
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