Rambling Rhodes

That Can't Be Unintentional

So, I was reading this post on one of the Post-Bulletin's more prolific blogs, when I noticed the complementing picture thumbnail. At first I thought "No way!" and then I was all like "IDK, my BFF Jill!" and then I was all like "Whoa. . . HAHA."

You can't tell me the photographer actually thought that was a good shot. I guess it's at least a good thing the guy is wearing gloves. . .

Bad Smell Air

Just when I thought the news this week was going to consist entirely of negative, down-in-the-dumps, financial meltdown bringdownery, we're saved by the news that "Charge dropped against man accused of farting."

I just KNOW I'm going to have a hard time writing about this without giggling uncontrollably, but I shall soldier on regardless, because that's the kind of ThunderJournalist I am.

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge.

Mmmgff. Gblllgblllll. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He no longer faces a battery charge! Can you imagine getting hit so hard in the face with a fart it actually constitutes battery? Wouldn't it be awesome to see this in the UFC? The fighters circle each other for a few seconds, when suddenly one fighter reaches to his ass, catches and cups a fart, and then throws it at his opponent, knocking him unconscious. That's some top quality fartin' there, Lou.

The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz.

Not to worry, he has plenty of other charges to worry about:

Cruz, of Clarksburg, W. Va., was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station.

And now the story just get's super awesome.

According to a criminal complaint, Cruz passed gas and made a fanning motion toward patrolman T.E. Parsons after being taken for a breathalyzer test.

Hey, maybe it's like putting a penny in your mouth to try to fool the machine!

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.

Some people just have absolutely no sense of humor. I wonder exactly how Patrolman Parsons felt the contact of the fart. Did it make his skin prickle? I wonder if he was more insulted, or provoked. Can you imagine being provoked by a fart? Insulted? Maybe. But provoked? That's some serious fartinating!

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

Aim gas at the patrolman? Look, there's only one real way to "aim" fart gas:

If you're fanning a fart, it's more redirecting than it is aiming. I would argue that cupping and throwing isn't really aiming, either.

"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

I feel your pain, man. I. Feel. Your. Pain.

He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.

Drunk, asthmatic and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.

Gas incident? Man, this story is so full of WIN, I can barely handle it. Gas incident. . . Honest, man, it wasn't a fart, it was a GAS INCIDENT. Makes it sound like it's historically important. On this day, in 2008, the nototious Gas Incident took place, claiming the lives of several people and causing hundreds of other people to feel either insulted or, in some cases, provoked.

Cruz, who was arrested Tuesday, still faces two charges: driving under the influence and driving without headlights, and two counts of obstruction.

But, hey, at least that "battery by fart" charge was dropped.

Palin Comparison

Okay, keeping in mind I think both presidential candidates are atrocious, and I have no real opinion about Sarah Palin beyond the fact I think it would be fun to do her, I've recently been noticing an odd phenomenon regarding her name and the name of her family members.

There's a linguistic anomaly called a spoonerism, which basically takes two words and transposes the first one or or two letters. Thus, a "sink by the door" becomes a "dink by the soor." Or, "take a shit" becomes "shake a tit." My grandfather was a legendary fan of spoonerisms. He was always talking about "stoing to the gore" and "dalking the wog." One of his favorites had to do with a local townsperson named "Denis" and his pickup--and he was particularly gleeful when Denis put his "pickup in the ditch."

ANYHOOOOoooooooo. My grandfather passed on his penchant for spoonerisms to my mother, who in turn passed it on to me, and it was for that reason that I realized, earlier this week:

- Sarah Palin = Parah Salin. I honestly don't know if she enjoys parasailing or not, but she should.

- Trig Palin = Pig Tralin. Why he would want to trail pigs, I have no idea.

- Bristol Palin = Pistol Bralin. Because guns should be accessible to the blind, too.

- Track Palin = Pack Tralin. A prepared hiker, if ever there was one.

- Willow Palin = Pillow Walin. For those tough and crying times after a boy dumps you.

- Todd Palin = Podd Talin. Which pods he may be tailing, I have no clue.

- Piper Palin = Well, this one is spoonerism-proof, much like my own name.

Unexpected Conversation

Me: *noticing Star of David ring on co-worker's finger* That's neat. Are you Jewish?

Co-worker: *looking at her ring* Oh, no, I just really like symmetrical things.

I would feel guilty, but. . .

For the record, having a job that allows you to pack up your laptop, leave your cubicle, and basically work from anywhere the laptop can pick up a company WiFi signal, is one of the greatest work-related freedoms you can experience. I was sitting outside, in the grass, at a downtown park earlier this afternoon, "working." Now, I'm on the 19th floor of a 19 story building, looking out over a view usually associated with CEO offices. Man, this is nice.

Missed it by that much

You know what makes me sad? What makes me sad is I won't be around to see the Andromeda galaxy collide with the Milky Way in about 5 billion years or so. I'd bet real money that would be some serious shit to witness. Computer models are cool and all, but they just don't quite capture it. . . you know?

UPDATE: Man, this post wasn't up for an hour, and I ALREADY had to delete a spam comment.

DONNA UPDATE: Ask and ye shall receive:

When Your Show Sucks, Show Boobies

Having just watched the season finale of "Weeds," I've come to the conclusion that the writers tried to make up for a horrid plot/storyline by showing more and more of Mary Louise-Parker's sweater pets.

And I'm in no way complaining here: they're a fine pair of sweater pets. I mean, sure, it would have been nice to have both a storyline that DIDN'T suck big, bouncy balls AND still showed Mary Louise-Parker's chest goblins, because that would have been the whole package.

Oh well. Boobies.

Blame Can Be Shared Like Cake and Ice Cream

So, yeah, this whole financial meltdown, crisis, disaster, TRAGEDY unfolding on Wall Street right now? Could we please stop trying to pin it on any one political party? Because, let's be honest here, greed is pretty much a bi-partisan failing.

And, as is often the case, the road to this meltdown of volcanic proportions was paved with the bestest of intentions:

In a move that could help increase home ownership rates among minorities and low-income consumers, the Fannie Mae Corporation is easing the credit requirements on loans that it will purchase from banks and other lenders.

Fannie Mae, the nation's biggest underwriter of home mortgages, has been under increasing pressure from the Clinton Administration to expand mortgage loans among low and moderate income people and felt pressure from stock holders to maintain its phenomenal growth in profits.

That's from an article dated September, 1999, so the seeds of this thing have had plenty of time to take root. Hindsight is always 20/20, if not better, but just reading that excerpt, you can't help but be struck by how ill-advised it seems to extend loans to people who have generally proven to not be particularly good credit risks. The whole "Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime" thing sort of comes to mind, except it's more like "Give a man a loan, he won't pay it back; give that man another loan, what the fuck are you thinking?"

Of course, those higher risk loans came equipped with higher interest rates, so it's sort of, kind of, understandable why those loans were handed out; I'm sure it all looked really good ON PAPER. It's just that the reality of giving loans to people who probably won't be able to make payments just took a decade or so to kick in. You'd think some sort of oversight would have just been built into such a system. But, what fun would that be? Regulation is SUCH a pain.

It's all very perplexing to witness from my perspective. Then again, I took out a home loan I knew I could afford (in fact, I pay extra each month), and I've always been terrified of debt in general.

Just seems unfair that I'm going to end up paying for this thing, one way or another.

Just a thought

I could buy a pretty cozy house for $700 billion, I betcha.