October 24, 2008
He who smelt it, dealt it
And, he who smells it, also has blood pressure that's 120/80.
I've actually known about this phenomenon for years, and I've spent entire days just sitting in clouds of my own flatulence, like Darth Vader in his hyperbaric chamber. I knew, deep down, that I was simply self-regulating my blood pressure.
So, to all of you who have complained about me smelling "sour," or being "disgusting," or who asked if I "shit my pants" or commanded me to "open a goddamned window, for the love of God!", well, I'm just here to say "YOU'RE WELCOME!"
Honestly, here I've been the equivalent of Johnny Appleseed for 33 years, spreading copious amounts of blood pressure medication around the planet, on trains and planes, in movie theaters, in cars, at Vikings games; if you can name a place, chances are good I left some blood pressure medication there. And I've done all of this FOR FREE! You ungrateful peasants.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some blood pressure medication to dispense. I'm sure SOMEBODY will complain.
Ass-Sault
I was at an ATM last night, simply minding my own business and withdrawing $60; when suddenly a 6'3", 200 lb., Arabic man attacked me at knife-point. It was bad enough that he took my $60 and gave me two black eyes, but then he asked me who I was voting for, and I said "I'm not sure, but I've heard good things about this George W. Bush fellow," and he became so enraged, he beat me even worse, yanked down my pants, and carved a backwards "B" into my ass.
Graphic photographic proof in the extended entry. . .
October 23, 2008
Burning Down the "House"
Caroline says: I just realized ... did you know Omar Epps' character is named Dr. Eric Foreman?
Ryan says: That 70s House!
Caroline says: Word
Ryan says: Do you get the feeling the writers are being unnecessarily difficult on "13?"
Caroline says: Nah
Caroline says: They killed Amber, so it could've been worse.
Ryan says: Okay, me stupid. Me not know who Amber is.
Caroline says: Oh, boy. That was from last season.
Ryan says: Hey, I'm still kind of a House virgin. Be nice.
Caroline says: I'm nice. I feel bad I spoiled it by telling you they killed her.
Ryan says: Wait, was Amber Wilson's girlfriend or something?
Caroline says: Yes.
Ryan says: Nah, I guess I picked up on that during the latest episode.
Ryan says: Do you remember that episode where Amber waves to Wilson in the cornfield?
Ryan says: It was titled "Amber Waves At Grain."
Caroline says: Of thee House sings
Ryan says: LOL!
Pop
During jiu-jitsu class last night, we were doing judo throws during warm-ups. A new guy showed up for class, and I was paired up with him to give him some pointers and such.
When it came time for the new guy to perform throws on me, he seemed to be doing just fine. . . until about the fourth throw, at which point I felt him hoist me up on his hip, and then there was this sickening popping sound, and then it just seemed like he disappeared from beneath me; all previous hip support just instantly melted away and I just kind of fell to the mat, while the new guy rolled away, clutching his knee and groaning.
Apparently, he's had some ACL tear issues in the past, with no real medical attention to rectify the problem. Honestly, if you've had a history of ACL problems, you probably shouldn't be attempting to balance an additional 175 pounds on a compromised knee.
He did eventually walk out of the gym, but holy hell that pop sounded nasty. I'm still shuddering today, thinking about it.
October 22, 2008
Can We Get This Over With, Please?
At this point, I don't care much who wins the election one way or the other. All I know is, come election night, I'm going to mix a nice Crown Royal and Coke, and just celebrate the damned thing being over FINALLY.
At least until the Florida recount. . .
News FAIL
Ryan says: Have you noticed that MSNBC.com has kinda become a useless source for news?
Caroline says: Well yeah
Ryan says: They seem to have adopted the Chicken Little approach to headline news.
Caroline says: I can has Chicken Little Journalism?
Ryan says: Man, they offered that class in college, but I never took it.
Caroline says: Me neither. It said the course was worth 8 credits, but it was really only worth 3.
Ryan says: HA!
Ryan says: That's worth a gold star for the day!
Caroline says: Yay! And it's barely past 9 a.m.! The day is young.
"HOUSE" UPDATE:
Ryan says: Oh, and by the way, that whole "brown recluse" spider aside last night; totally an excuse to tittilate the audience with more girl-fondling-girl action.
Caroline says: Yeah, that didn't get past me either.
Ryan says: I mean, I'm not complaining, mind you. But obvious is obvious.
Ryan says: It may have prompted a half-chub, but it was tempered by my eye-rolling.
Caroline says: I think next time I hear the song "Love Shack," I'm going to scream "Half-chub TEMPERED!" instead of "Tin roof RUSTED!"
Ryan says: You'll forget by then.
Ryan says: Tempered Half-Chub sounds like a specialty sandwich.
Caroline says: Don't forget the au jus!
Mistakes. Learn From Them.
That Minnesota could elect Jesse Ventura governor, and then seriously be considering electing Al Franken to the Senate 10 years later, tells me this state is pretty much a collective failure as a voting entity.
Not that Norm Coleman is a great alternative or anything, but Al Franken has been annoying me since I was a child watching SNL.
October 21, 2008
The Geode Twins Are Back!
Ryan says: Watched "Zohan" last night.
Caroline says: And?
Ryan says: You know, as stupid as it was, there were some pretty damned funny scenes.
Caroline says: Good to know.
Ryan says: It takes awhile to get to the funny stuff. Consider yourself warned.
Caroline says: "It takes awhile to get to the funny stuff" should be my motto.
Ryan says: Tattoo that on your ass.
Caroline says: oooh, an Asstoo!
Ryan says: Also called a "Tramp Stamp."
Caroline says: No, no. That's not on the ass. That's on the lower back, above the crack.
Ryan says: You little poet.
Caroline says: I'm a little poet, short and stout
Ryan says: Here is my tramp stamp, and hey, I put out.
Ryan says: "A black puppy decked out in a red, white and blue bandanna jumped out of his crate and wagged his tail at the airport Monday, three flights and two days after leaving Iraq en route to his new home with a U.S. soldier" Link.
Ryan says: That's a solid P-B lead story, if ever there was one.
Caroline says: What a lead
Caroline says: Is there a picture with the caption "Jumpin' and waggin'"?
Ryan says: What if the puppy tucked its tail between its legs and whined?
Ryan says: What would that say about America?
Caroline says: FAIL. Send puppy back to Iraq.
Ryan says: To the puppy shield ranks with that one!
Caroline says: Puppy shields: not as effective as kitten shields
Ryan says: Also gracing the P-B: "Mall of America plans to erect taller fence."
Caroline says: Scha-wing!
Caroline says: The PB gives us lots of material. Thanks, PB.
October 20, 2008
In honor of Target's Halloween Mascot
You know, some things just keep making me laugh, even years after I first saw them. This is one of those things.
