November 30, 2004

Credit Card Concerns

I've never been in debt. Okay, that's not entirely true. Yes, I've been in the kind of debt where I had to make car payments, and I'm currently in the kind of debt that says I have to make house payments.

I've never been in credit card debt, however. Truth be told, I've never even owned a credit card. I don't trust them. I've been conditioned not to trust them thanks to many years of living with college roommates.

Most of my college roommates had this weird outlook on credit cards. Basically, they thought credit cards were magical pieces of plastic that just magically paid for things and that they were somehow immune from the the ensuing debt that came about due to excessive credit card spending.

I'll admit it: I was sort of jealous of my roommates and their magical credit cards. After all, they always seemed to have money and, if they didn't, they just whipped out their credit cards. Books? Put them on the credit card. Food? Put it on the credit card. Night out at a strip club? credit card.

And yet there I was writing checks and budgeting like a fool. I remember thinking that I was doing everything all wrong. I mean, there I would sit, meticulously lording over my finances, while my roommates went waltzing all over town swiping their credit cards with the careless glee of a six-year-old with a loaded pistol.

Then, one year, I was a roommate with a guy named Chad. Chad was actually a former high school classmate of mine. He was, and is, a tech-head. He's one of those guys who was born to know technology. Way back in elementary school, he taught me how to write simple programs for the Apple IIc, and he always just seemed to know everything about computers.

But he didn't know shit about personal finances. He whipped out any one of his many credit cards with the swiftness and ease of a Old West gunslinger. By the time we became roommates, he had already accrued over $10,000 in credit card debt.

I remember thinking what an incredibly large amount of money that seemed to be, especially when I factored in the understanding that he also received financial aid, and that he also worked. Granted, he worked at the local Brach's candy factory on the Gummi Bear line, which paid about as well as you might imagine, but it was still money, so I came to the conclusion that old Chad was a pretty carefree spender.

Well, one day, I popped into Chad's outrageously messy room where I noticed, tucked between two huge bags of pilfered defective Gummi Bears, a credit card notice that was slugged "Urgent!" and another that was slugged "Immediate Payment Required" and still another that read "We Break Fingers And Toes."

Then the calls started coming in, usually two or three a day. "Is Mr. Haugen available? We really need to speak with him." No, he's not here. "Are you sure you're not really Mr. Haugen?" Yes, I'm sure. "Well, when he comes in, have him call Mike at Discover immediately." *sound of shotgun cocking* Will do.

Chad was masterful when it came to avoiding creditors. He always seemed to leave the apartment just two or three minutes before a creditor called. It was like he had some sort of sixth sense. Which was all fine and dandy, except that I ended up being the intermediary between Chad and the creditors, so I got to absorb all the impatient anger and suspicion of basically every credit card company on the planet.

It was the day a creditor appeared, in person, at our doorstep that I realized Chad's debt situation was probably more dire than Chad cared to admit. There was a knock at the door, I answered, and a gentleman in a suit that looked both impressive and threatening stood before me. He asked to see a Mr. Chad Haugen, at which point I heard a little scuffling emanating from Chad's room as Chad scurried out the back entrance which, conveniently, was located at the far end of his bedroom.

We chatted together, the ominous creditor and me, for about an hour, waiting for Chad to get home, even though, of course, there was no way in holy hell Chad was going to make an appearance while that guy was in our apartment. I even had to produce my ID, so the creditor was satisfied that I wasn't, in fact, Chad Haugen.

After that, I believe, Chad ended up getting a loan from his parents, or somebody, so he could pay off his credit card debt at least enough to keep the creditors at bay. He eventually got a job working at IBM, which was a long-assed commute from Winona to Rochester, but paid a whole lot more than the Gummi Bear line.

As for me, Chad's experience with credit cards pretty much scared me away from plastic for good.

Posted by Ryan at 03:28 PM | Comments (0)

Not much going on

So I don't have much to say.

Posted by Ryan at 12:28 PM | Comments (0)

November 29, 2004

New al-Queda Tape Enters Box Office At #6

Surprise Video Trumps "Alexander," Fails To Usurp "Spongebob"

LOS ANGELES (Rhodes Media Services) -- A new videotape issued by al Queda featuring Ayman Al-Zawahri, widely believed to be Osama bin Laden's top deputy, shot to the #6 spot at the box office Monday, raking in $14 million, a single-day record.

The video, entitled "Zeroing In On Al-Zawahri," easily outsold the stumbling epic "Alexander," currently on track to be the next "Ishtar," according to some sources.

The surprising immediate success of the al-Queda video came about largely due to the media's tendency to over-report and hype every tape issued by the terrorist group, often mistaking every tape as legitimate news.

Movie critic Roger Ebert gave a positive review of "Zeroing In On Al-Zawahri," saying that the video reflects a more polished artistic style on the part of the film-makers.

"Given the sheer bulk of video and audio tapes issued by al-Queda, you have to expect that they'll eventually become more polished at their craft," said Ebert. "This film shows the continuing maturity of the artists, and their use of light and shadow, as well as the careful and precise placement of weaponry."

Ebert was less enthusiastic about the plot and acting content, saying it "was more of the same, formulaic, like a James Bond movie, only worse, and kind of monotone."

"The Spongebob Squarepants Movie" stayed ahead of the Al-Zawahri film. Reached for comment on the news, Mr. Squarepants said only "I AM SPONGEBOB, DESTROYER OF EVIL!"

Posted by Ryan at 01:51 PM | Comments (0)

November 24, 2004


Yep. Thanksgiving.

Posted by Ryan at 10:42 AM | Comments (3)

November 23, 2004


I wonder what prompted this. I have a hunch. Of course, it's only a hunch.

Posted by Ryan at 11:42 AM | Comments (1)



weather/index.html">No fucking shit.

Posted by Ryan at 10:22 AM | Comments (0)

November 20, 2004

Demon Kitties


Posted by Ryan at 01:41 PM | Comments (3)

November 19, 2004

I'm Not An Addict

I can quit at any time.

Posted by Ryan at 09:55 AM | Comments (0)

November 18, 2004

It's The Music That Gets Me

For all the depressed Democrats out there.

Posted by Ryan at 10:29 AM | Comments (1)

November 17, 2004

Inspired Smartassism

Caroline says: Hey, what do you have to dial to make an international call?

Ryan says: A phone.

Caroline says: 9011?

Ryan says: That should do it, yes.

Caroline says: Thanks, you're ever so helpful.

Ryan says: Don't forget the phone. That's important.

Caroline says: The phone. Is that the thing I have on my foot? I always get phone and shoe confused.

Ryan says: Somehow, I don't have that much trouble believing that about you.

Posted by Ryan at 03:57 PM | Comments (1)

November 16, 2004



Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Hardees' new Monster Thickburger, a 1,400 calorie gut bomb with 107 grams of fat. Holy gross.

Posted by Ryan at 11:33 AM | Comments (12)

I'm Laughing Because I'm So Very Sorry

Via leblanc, I was introduced to this whining little bit of nonsense, a forum in which people can say they're sorry to the world because Bush was re-elected. Yep, nothing like pointless bawling in the wake of an election.

I didn't think much of the site at first, dismissing it for what it was: a bunch of whining nonsense. And I don't have time for whining nonsense, unless it's coming from me.

Well, I happened by Treacher's site, and I almost fell out of my chair from laughter, as he zinged the "we're sorry" crowd again and again again. I had so much fun, I had to try my hand at it.


You know when you have Alfalfa on your side, you have a powerful ally. And I'm sure you all recognize the cartoon on his shirt: Whimpy. How appropo.


First, there was Bruce Springsteen. Then Michael Stipe. Now Pink! She's coming out, so you better get this party started!


Fine. Great. You've said your apologies, now go eat something. ANYTHING! And run a comb through your hair, while you're at it.


Caricatures for Kerry!

I have to admit, I went to to figure out how to spell caricatures. You have no idea how wrong I was initially.


Ich bin ein, Hello Kitty!


Now that the election is over, perhaps she can take that horseshoe off the wall, and then do something about her atrocious ceilings.


Matt Damon, the pre-pubescent years.

Posted by Ryan at 10:13 AM | Comments (13)

November 15, 2004

The Breast Effect


Just. . . astounding.

Posted by Ryan at 03:47 PM | Comments (3)

So True

So very, very true.

Posted by Ryan at 01:39 PM | Comments (2)


Strong Bad got a virus, and it's hi-fucking-larious.

Posted by Ryan at 12:28 PM | Comments (1)

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Salt

Any person worth their salt no doubt sports a varied and fascinating array of scars. By the way, what does it mean to be "worth their salt?" Where did that turn of phrase originate? I simply must find out. Come on Google, don't fail me now. . .

Ah, apparently, the phrase "worth your salt" has its origins, as most good phrases do, in Roman times, when salt was an expensive and valued commodity. In fact, Roman soldiers were often partly paid in salt, which I find to be particularly interesting when applied to modern times.

BOSS: Good work, Jameson. You really got that project done in a quality fashion. Here's your paycheck. Have a good weekend.

JAMESON: Thank you, sir. I. . . um. . . er.

BOSS: Something wrong?

JAMESON: Well, it's just my paycheck, sir. About a quarter of it seems to be missing, and what's with all these little packets of salt?

BOSS: New payment policy, Jameson. From now on, a quarter of each paycheck will be paid out in salt. And that's not just any salt, m'boy. That's Morton Salt. Nothing but the best for my employees.

JAMESON: I quit, sir.

But wait, there's more! In Roman times, the payment portion that was made in salt had it's own name, "salarium," which eventually gave rise to the modern term, "salary."

I know what you're thinking at this point. You're thinking, "All of this is very valuable information that will no doubt serve me well in the real world, but what I really want to know is: what about 'scars.'"

Oh, right. Scars. I was talking about scars. Maybe I'll get around to writing about scars later. For now,">some important news.

About virgins. Virgins. Virgins. Virgins. Virgins. Virgins. Virgins. Virgins. Virgins.

Posted by Ryan at 11:29 AM | Comments (2)

November 13, 2004

Tara Reid Breast Update

Heh, over 800 visitors to this site today already, and it's not even noon yet. Tara Reid's breasts are apparently still a hot commodity on the Internet today.

Posted by Ryan at 11:16 AM | Comments (1)

November 12, 2004

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

Last night, I attended the Minnesota Magazine & Publications Association's 2004 Publishing Excellence Awards event. I'm pleased to report that my monthly magazine column, ENDPGM, won the gold award. They like me, they really, REALLY like me!

To those who entered, but did not win gold, I can only say, NEENER, NEENER, NEENER!

UPDATE: What's better than winning? Alison Angel. Alison Angel. Alison Angel. Alison Angel. Alison Angel. Alison Angel. Alison Angel. . Alison Angel.

Posted by Ryan at 09:43 AM | Comments (3)

November 11, 2004

Once Moore

Back when I was in college, my professor for one of my first news writing classes had us watch "Roger & Me," a documentary produced by a gentleman named Michael Moore, who I had never heard of until that day.

We watched "Roger & Me," and then we were asked to discuss some of the interviewing and research techniques utilized in the film. Initially, many in the class said that Moore had an agressive interviewing style that they admired. Eventually, however, a voice piped up from the back of the room. . .

"That was the biggest biased piece of crap I think I've ever seen. Why the hell did we just watch that? It went against everything we've learned so far in our textbook, which I paid a lot of good money for."

The comments came from a student who was usually pretty quiet, so it came as a bit of a shock to hear him speak so passionately about anything. But, he got the rest of the class to rethink their previous thinks.

"Now that I think about it, that whole scene with the woman skinning the rabbit didn't make much sense at all," opined another student.

Gradually, most of us came to the conclusion that this Michael Moore fellow probably had his own personal bias and agenda, and that he constructed the movie to fit around that bias and agenda. In other words, we decided that "Roger & Me" was kind of a misleading hatchet job masquerading as serious journalism. We also agreed that, if serious journalists utilized Moore's methods, they'd be doing their audience a disservice. It was a good lesson, really.

And, you know, that opinion of Michael Moore has pretty much stuck with me, although the man, himself, has become increasingly tough to take as he gets older, grayer and fatter.

I watched most of "Bowling For Columbine" when I caught it on cable this summer, and I thought it was largely overly-simplistic drivel, even though it was wrapped in a nicer overall visual package than "Roger & Me."

As for "Fahrenheit 911," well, I've only seen snippets of it here and there, but I've read enough about it to come to the conclusion that it's just a bunch of misleading, and sometimes entirely bullcrap, conclusions drawn from a pool of largely inconsequential "facts." In other words, it's the kind of fake "documentary" I've grown to expect from Moore.

Don't get me wrong. Moore has all the right in the world to craft all the propaganda he wants, and people have all the right in the world to pay good money to see it, should they so decide. They can even join in with Moore in denouncing 51 percent of the American voting population as living in "Jesusland," if that's truly what they want to do.

But, generally speaking, I'm pretty damned tired of Michael Moore. He could go the way of Arafat tomorrow, and I'd probably crack a beer in a small celebration.

Because, if Moore were to die tomorrow, it would save the world from this.

Does anyone really want a sequel to "F/911?" Let me rephrase that: does anyone really want a sequel to "F/911" when the creator, Michael Moore, says something like this:

“Fifty-one percent of the American people lacked information (in this election) and we want to educate and enlighten them,” Moore was quoted in Thursday’s edition of Variety. “They weren’t told the truth. We’re communicators and it’s up to us to start doing it now.”

Got that? That lowly 51 percent majority of Jesusland Americans lacked information and Michael Moore, that lovable old Santa Claus, believes it's his duty to educate and enlighten them in his own special, biased, largely misleading and untruthful little way. I'm sure that message will just sell like hotcakes to everyone who voted for Bush. I'm sure they'll fall all over themselves when Michael Moore shows them the error of their ways.

He's Michael Moore, a COMMUNICATOR, and he's going to show America the truth, or at least his own personal version of the truth. Gosh, I can't wait!

Like Caroline, my co-worker said: "He should just stop."

He should. He really, really should.

Posted by Ryan at 03:44 PM | Comments (9)

Just Out Of Curiousity. . .

Yep, I just left Curiosity. Nice town.

Posted by Ryan at 12:25 PM | Comments (7)

November 10, 2004

Bush Picks Nose; Dems Vow To Fight Appointment

Conservative Bias Seen In Gelatinous Nasal Discharge

WASHINGTON D.C. (Rhodes Media Services) -- President Bush today hand-picked a new mass of semi-hardened mucus matter, commonly referred to as "a booger," from his nose but, no sooner had the golden nugget been exposed to the outside air, then Democrats vowed to fight the president's latest pick for "whatever post it may be up for."

"Obviously, anyone or anything picked by this administration will be rife with conservative ideals," said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY). "Given the Democrats' tenuous position in Congress following the election, we have to make sure that anything Bush picks will be met with staunch resistence: that includes people, and that includes boogers."

President Bush was apparently taken completely by surprise by the onslaught against his latest pick, which he had intended only to "wipe on his pant leg," or possibly, in his words, "roll it around back and forth between my thumb and forefinger during an important call with some head of state or something."

For its part, the booger seemed unaffected by the harsh spotlight being shined upon it. Instead, it sat silently on the President's desk in the Oval Office, where it was eventually removed by the White House janitorial staff.

Posted by Ryan at 04:11 PM | Comments (10)

November 09, 2004

Feel The Outrage

Just when you think the word "understatement" can't be dragged through the mud any more than it already has been, goes and reports:


Makes you wonder what the hell they consider "acceptable."

I, personally, find a nearly naked Alizee, to be very acceptable.

Or a topless Amanda Beard.

Posted by Ryan at 01:57 PM | Comments (0)

Catshit Morning

There's a Chinese proverb that states: Day that starts with catshit on floor, won't be good day.

So, there I was, sleepily brushing my teeth, when what do I spy dribbled over the edge of the litter box, but a big old pile of cat shit. Apparently, one of the kitties has less-than-stellar aim. Okay, fine, whatever. I grab a heap of toilet paper and go to deal with the problem.

The problem with the problem, however, was that it was one of those squishy, non-hard, nearly-soupy concoctions that just squirted out both sides of my toilet paper clench.

It was at that point that I learned something very surprising about myself. . .

I've been hunting, and I've skinned and gutted squirrels and rabbits and the like. I've laughed at the sight of dead deer on the side of the road. I've stepped in cow pies as big as a bear's head. I've cleaned dog crap off my shoe using nothing more than a paper clip.

But, this morning, when catshit went spurting out of my toilet paper grasp, I let out a forceful dry heave, followed by two more dry heaves in quick succession. Maybe it was just that I wasn't ready for such a chore so early in the morning. Maybe I'm just unaccustomed to dealing with such fluid cat waste. Whatever the reason, I was completely grossed out by the task at hand. If a young boy had been passing by on the street at that moment, I very likely would have offered him $5 to finish cleaning up that catshit.

I'm buying a taller litter box, that's all I know. Something that can ensure a cat's butt won't launch a hot pile onto the floor. Because, man, I just can't endure such a disgusting trauma that early in the morning ever again. It's unhealthy.

Posted by Ryan at 09:34 AM | Comments (5)

November 08, 2004

Yasser, You Betcha

EXPECTANT MEDIA: Bring out yer dead!

[a man puts a body on the cart]

WORLD: Here's one.

EXPECTANT MEDIA: That'll be 50 cents a copy.



WORLD: Nothing. There's your 50 cents.


EXPECTANT MEDIA: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.

WORLD: Yes he is.



WORLD: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

PALESTINIAN SPOKESMAN: He's getting better.

WORLD: No he's not, he'll be stone dead in a moment.

EXPECTANT MEDIA: Well, we can't report him dead like that. It's against regulations.

PALESTINIAN SPOKESMAN: He doesn't want to go on the cart.

WORLD: Oh, don't be such a baby.

EXPECTANT MEDIA: We can't report him as dead.


WORLD: Oh, do us a favor.


WORLD: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

EXPECTANT MEDIA: We promised to be at the bin Laden's. They're about due, you know.

WORLD: Well, when's your next round?


PALESTINIAN SPOKESMAN: Mr. Arafat wants to go for a walk.

WORLD: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?

PALESTINIAN SPOKESMAN: He feels happy. He feels happy.

[the EXPECTANT MEDIA glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the PALESTINIAN SPOKESMAN with his a whack of his club]

WORLD: Ah, thank you very much.

EXPECTANT MEDIA: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

WORLD: Right.

Posted by Ryan at 03:34 PM | Comments (3)

I'd Be Pissed Off, Too


Posted by Ryan at 01:48 PM | Comments (3)

What The Hell?

Okay, for some strange reason, I had nearly 600 visitors to this blog on Sunday. That's unheard of, particularcly on a weekend. But, the weirdest part is that, apparently, 80 percent of those visits came about due to people doing Google searches on variations of the Perfect Strangers sitcom and/or theme song.

Is there something going on in the Perfect Stangers world of which I should be made aware? Is there a Perfect Strangers reunion? What's going on? Does Larry's super-hot girlfriend get naked or something? Does anybody know?

Posted by Ryan at 10:17 AM | Comments (6)

Shameless Minnesota Plugs

Friday night, Melissa and I went for drinks and dinner at Ol' Mexico. One of the great things about Ol' Mexico is that they have NTN trivia. If you ever find yourself at Ol' Mexico in Roseville, Minn., and there's a visiting player with the handle "MULE," chances are good that's me. Melissa is, well, MEL. Just so you know. I won two games out of five, because I'm that brilliant.

Saturday evening, my girlfirend's dad, who happens to be gay, treated Melissa and me to a free dinner at the Gay 90s. We all opted for the prime rib dinner special. So, I can now proudly state that I sucked down a big, tasty piece of meat at the Gay 90s.

Driving back into Rochester Sunday afternoon, I saw a house up for sale by Debbie Quimby. Debbie, you may remember, was the realtor who sold me my house back in April. She's also a super-awesome realtor who doesn't pressure you. I found her pretty much by accident, but she was great. So, if you're in the Rochester area, looking to buy a home, make sure you contact Debbie Quimby, and tell her Ryan Rhodes suggested her. Plus, she's, like, a total babe, so there's that.

Posted by Ryan at 09:35 AM | Comments (2)

November 05, 2004

Some Points

ONE: 58 million people did not vote for Bush/Cheney on Tuesday because they were against gays. Yes, the "moral" vote played a surprising part, and possibly a substantial part, in the overall turnout, but it was by no means the main reason people voted the way they did.

TWO: Middle America is not comprised of just a bunch of uneducated, uninformed Bible-bangers. There are doctors, and there are lawyers, and there are professors, and there are journalists and there are millions and millions of very smart, educated and informed people living in middle America who just happened to vote based on a different set of opinions than Coastal America. It does not make Middle America inferior to Coastal America, or vice versa.

THREE: Had the election gone the other way, I'm sure we'd be hearing all about how the election was a repudiation of the war on terror and in Iraq, and you'd be hearing precious little nothing about the legions of conservertive voters who turned out in record numbers based on "moral" reasons.

FOUR: Who I actually voted for may surprise a lot of you, but I won't be saying who until I'm damned good and ready, if ever.

FIVE: To all the people singing about moving to Canada and that America is fucked, please take a sizable chill pill, sit back, and then start thinking about how you can help America become the America you'd like to see, whatever that may be, and then become active in trying to achieve it. I was in Canada recently. It was a lot like America, except it's currency is worth 80 cents to our dollar. That, and Toronto, inexplicably, had a lot of homeless people. And it's going to get really cold there shortly.

SIX: It's the weekend, people. Get out and enjoy yourselves, and think about something else for awhile.

REALLY LATE UPDATE: Glenn Reynolds writes: If you think that much of America is like a foreign country, you're not likely to win many elections -- because it's hard to get foreigners to vote for you. Calling the voters dumb probably doesn't do much to win people over, either. It always strikes me that so many people who are quick to note the importance of understanding the differences in perception between nations, or races, or sexual preferences, and to try to bridge those gaps, are so unwilling to do the same thing where people from elsewhere in their own country are concerned. But Democrats must do better, or become a regional party. Because contempt doesn't win a lot of votes.

Posted by Ryan at 01:04 PM | Comments (7)


Of the many interesting Google searches tht have landed on my site over the past couple of days, none made me chuckle quite as much as:


Just for future reference, plenty of fairly big bowel movements can be found here.

Posted by Ryan at 09:34 AM | Comments (0)

November 04, 2004

Just A Thought

Stop doing frickin' exit polls.

Posted by Ryan at 03:26 PM | Comments (0)


I thought this was more than just a little bit interesting. Like or loathe the man, you can't let stuff like that slip through editing, although it looks like CNN Netscape has since wiped all evidence of their mistake from their servers.

It reminded me of when I worked at the Winona Daily News, way back in the early days of my employment there when I was in charge of writing obituaries and transcribing court rulings and police reports. Fun stuff. Journalism can be so glamorous.

Anyway, when writing obits, we had to be sure to slug the the file names as something that could be recognized quickly during layout, so I typicall would write helmsobit, or thomasobit, or whateverlastnameobit, so people in layout would know that the file was an obituary.

I was told that my predecessor got in considerable trouble once after he messed up during a particularly hectic news evening. Obituary requests just kept coming in, and he was getting fed up with writing so many obituaries so close to deadline. So, he went and slugged one file as anotherfuckingobit. That did not go over too well with the folks both in editing and layout.

Posted by Ryan at 02:51 PM | Comments (2)

Now THAT'S Determination


Posted by Ryan at 10:49 AM | Comments (2)

November 03, 2004

In Lighter News. . .

Man tries to convert lions to Jesus, gets bitten.

Posted by Ryan at 10:44 AM | Comments (3)

Awwww, fuck!

Not this close shit again.

UPDATE: Okay, that was a knee-jerk reaction on my part, having just woke up and glanced over the headlines through a morning sheen of eye-boogers. Bush won the popular vote by about 3.5 million, which is not a small amount. And, Ohio looks like it will be Bush's, no matter how many "provisional" ballots can be snatched from the air. If we have to wait, we have to wait, but Kerry doesn't seem to have anywhere near the legitimacy to contest this election that Gore did in 2000. If the Kerry camp drags this one on, they'll tarnish themselves needlessly, and blow any chance for Edwards in 2008 who, four years from now, could very well be an ideal candidate.

But, I'm droning on. Bush for four more years, for better or for worse. Let's move on.

UPDATE II: Thanks you, Sen. Kerry, for not making us go through 2000-Lite.

Posted by Ryan at 08:21 AM | Comments (3)

November 02, 2004

Liveblogging The 2004 Election

Because this election is, according to some reports, the most important thing to happen to this planet since the first amino acids combined to form the first single celled organism, I feel it is my duty to record this fantabulous day, as it happens. At least until the end of my workday. After that, I'll probably have some other shit to do.

9:05 a.m. -- According to, Kerry's going to take this election in a walk, or at least a slow lope, or possibly a brisk jog.

9:16 a.m. -- According to an imaginary, late-breaking poll conducted entirely in my own mind, 86 percent of respondents believe that "Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me."

9:33 a.m. -- It occurs to me that, despite repeated claims that this election was going to be rocked by an October Event, such as the Bush Admin hoisting forth bin Laden up on a platter with an apple jammed in his mouth, or the eradication of a major U.S. city through terrorist machinations, no such October Event occurred. I'm curious if all those raving moonbats who made such outlandish claims along the lines of there "WOULD BE NO ELECTION THIS YEAR" are willing to come forth and eat some crow with a side of humble pie. Just wondering.

9:54 a.m. -- According to this Newsweek article, the guy who wrote this Election 2004 piece has the last name of "Kuntzman."

10:05 a.m. -- In other news, Osama Bin Laden apparently said something about something but, perhaps indicative of the man's diminished significance, not many people apparently give a crap what he has to say about anything.

10:35 a.m. -- Can't get enough of today's astronomically important, if-you-don't-vote-you-should-stripped-naked-and-raked-over-with-cheese-graters election? Well now, in addition to the election results, you can also track election PROBLEMS. Florida and Pennsylvania are among the states experiencing the most problems. I'm shocked. SHOCKED I tell you.

10:56 a.m. -- According to another imaginary poll conducted entirely within my own head, 98 percent of respondents agree that I smell fucking terrific today.

11:14 a.m. -- Just in case you didn't realize it already.

11:41 a.m. -- In a classic case of a headline not matching up with the picture, we have


Incidently, I pass that little town hall every time I drive to the Cities. It's cute, don't you think?

12:13 p.m. -- The election morning has passed without incident. Now we move into the unknown world of the election afternoon, followed by, if all goes well, the election evening. I just had two tacos for lunch, and they tasted very, very, not-so-good. I'm not sure what, if anything, that has to do with the election, except that both candidates, too, are very, very, not-so-good.

12:24 p.m. -- Bush takes the Guam vote. Guam? Who knew?

12:48 p.m. -- Well, somebody's going to get a new president.

1:06 p.m. -- Whoa. has updated, and it now has a single electoral vote between Bush and Kerry, with neither of them having the required number of electoral votes to win. Now, wouldn't THAT be an onion in the ointment. I can't tell you how much I'm hoping for a definitive victory on either side.

1:28 p.m. -- How could he possibly smile with that green monster clamped to his hand?


2:18 p.m. -- Well, I think it's fair to say that this election day is reaching a fever pitch. I say this because my Internet access has slowed to a fucking crawl. Good Lord, you'd think I was connected to the Internet through a couple of tin cans and a string.

3:08 p.m. -- It seems odd to me that my polling place, like so many polling places, is in a church. Separation of church and state and all that, you know?

3:32 p.m. -- I'm heading out to vote. I'll let you know how it all turned out, or if I was turned away by nutters whipping me with a flail. Probably not. This is Rochester, Minn., after all.

4:25 p.m. -- Okay, so that's done. The vote's been cast. It's funny, though. Every time I vote, for some reason I envision the ballot being this wondrous tome where the candidates' names are written in gold leaf. But, it's so deliciously plain, and the leading candidates aren't given special billing or anything. And you also find out that there are a lot of other candidates for president who you probably never even heard about.

Alizee is hot in panties.

Posted by Ryan at 09:05 AM | Comments (16)
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