November 02, 2004

Liveblogging The 2004 Election

Because this election is, according to some reports, the most important thing to happen to this planet since the first amino acids combined to form the first single celled organism, I feel it is my duty to record this fantabulous day, as it happens. At least until the end of my workday. After that, I'll probably have some other shit to do.

9:05 a.m. -- According to, Kerry's going to take this election in a walk, or at least a slow lope, or possibly a brisk jog.

9:16 a.m. -- According to an imaginary, late-breaking poll conducted entirely in my own mind, 86 percent of respondents believe that "Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me."

9:33 a.m. -- It occurs to me that, despite repeated claims that this election was going to be rocked by an October Event, such as the Bush Admin hoisting forth bin Laden up on a platter with an apple jammed in his mouth, or the eradication of a major U.S. city through terrorist machinations, no such October Event occurred. I'm curious if all those raving moonbats who made such outlandish claims along the lines of there "WOULD BE NO ELECTION THIS YEAR" are willing to come forth and eat some crow with a side of humble pie. Just wondering.

9:54 a.m. -- According to this Newsweek article, the guy who wrote this Election 2004 piece has the last name of "Kuntzman."

10:05 a.m. -- In other news, Osama Bin Laden apparently said something about something but, perhaps indicative of the man's diminished significance, not many people apparently give a crap what he has to say about anything.

10:35 a.m. -- Can't get enough of today's astronomically important, if-you-don't-vote-you-should-stripped-naked-and-raked-over-with-cheese-graters election? Well now, in addition to the election results, you can also track election PROBLEMS. Florida and Pennsylvania are among the states experiencing the most problems. I'm shocked. SHOCKED I tell you.

10:56 a.m. -- According to another imaginary poll conducted entirely within my own head, 98 percent of respondents agree that I smell fucking terrific today.

11:14 a.m. -- Just in case you didn't realize it already.

11:41 a.m. -- In a classic case of a headline not matching up with the picture, we have


Incidently, I pass that little town hall every time I drive to the Cities. It's cute, don't you think?

12:13 p.m. -- The election morning has passed without incident. Now we move into the unknown world of the election afternoon, followed by, if all goes well, the election evening. I just had two tacos for lunch, and they tasted very, very, not-so-good. I'm not sure what, if anything, that has to do with the election, except that both candidates, too, are very, very, not-so-good.

12:24 p.m. -- Bush takes the Guam vote. Guam? Who knew?

12:48 p.m. -- Well, somebody's going to get a new president.

1:06 p.m. -- Whoa. has updated, and it now has a single electoral vote between Bush and Kerry, with neither of them having the required number of electoral votes to win. Now, wouldn't THAT be an onion in the ointment. I can't tell you how much I'm hoping for a definitive victory on either side.

1:28 p.m. -- How could he possibly smile with that green monster clamped to his hand?


2:18 p.m. -- Well, I think it's fair to say that this election day is reaching a fever pitch. I say this because my Internet access has slowed to a fucking crawl. Good Lord, you'd think I was connected to the Internet through a couple of tin cans and a string.

3:08 p.m. -- It seems odd to me that my polling place, like so many polling places, is in a church. Separation of church and state and all that, you know?

3:32 p.m. -- I'm heading out to vote. I'll let you know how it all turned out, or if I was turned away by nutters whipping me with a flail. Probably not. This is Rochester, Minn., after all.

4:25 p.m. -- Okay, so that's done. The vote's been cast. It's funny, though. Every time I vote, for some reason I envision the ballot being this wondrous tome where the candidates' names are written in gold leaf. But, it's so deliciously plain, and the leading candidates aren't given special billing or anything. And you also find out that there are a lot of other candidates for president who you probably never even heard about.

Alizee is hot in panties.

Posted by Ryan at November 2, 2004 09:05 AM

This is great! I thought about doing this today myself, but I'm too busy at work.

Posted by: allie at November 2, 2004 01:06 PM

Wow. All the right-wing blogs seem to have exceeded their bandwidth. I'm showing Small Victory, Shot in the Dark, and Instapundit are all temporarily unavailable.

Posted by: Joshua at November 2, 2004 01:10 PM

Joshua, do you really think Instapundit is right-wing? Aside from the Iraq war, I think he's pretty centrist.

Posted by: Ryan at November 2, 2004 01:31 PM

Eh. I hardly ever go there. Mostly I know him by who quotes him. And Michele gets about half her traffic from her Instapundit link.

Incidentally, I've been thinking lately about how much the left/right thing has changed since I was a kid. I remember very distinctly being about 10 and trying to work out the whole conservatives versus liberals thing with my dad. It started with me asking him why the people who were always trying to chop down all the trees were called conservatives. From there we went to the other big issues: abortion, gun control, religion, and so on. The issues that really stumped me were gun control, abortion, and the death penalty. I couldn't understand why a group that was for abortion would be against the death penalty, or why a group that was against gun control would be against abortion and for the death penalty.

These days my friends and I are mostly against gun control, for abortion rights, and against the death penalty—not on the principle that people shouldn't be executed for certain crimes, but because most of us think that the U.S. justice system isn't fit to do the executing. We're in favor of the decriminalization of certain drugs, and gay marriage. Lots of us are against race and sex-based affirmative action. And we are all big fans or private property, though many of us also appreciate the cost/benefit ratio of taxes and social services.

I don't know what that is, but some of it seems to run counter to the old ideas of what "left" is. And I notice a similar drift on the right.

Posted by: Joshua at November 2, 2004 01:57 PM

Funny, Ryan.
Hey Joshua, I have been blocked by my workplace from your blog. I get the message "Forbidden, this page ( is categorized as: Chat." Funny thing is the other blogs I visit regularly are not blocked. I miss your writing.

Posted by: amelia at November 2, 2004 03:40 PM

or if I was turned away by nutters whipping me with a flail

Or if you're turned away by some Republican hack because you forgot to bring your ID to the polls with you.

Oh, wait, that's happening in Ohio.

Amelia: you might try one of the many web proxies. Try Googling "anonymizer" or "anonymous browsing". Also, I believe SMfW is syndicated in a couple of places-- though I can't remember where.

Posted by: Joshua at November 2, 2004 04:32 PM

Joshua, I think it's pretty freakin' obvious that bullying at the polls is done on BOTH sides. And, frankly, if I hadn't brought my ID with me today, I'd have expected to be turned away, too. But, you know what I would have done? I would have gone and GOT MY ID and went back.

Posted by: Ryan at November 2, 2004 04:55 PM


I think it's pretty freakin' obvious that bullying at the polls is done on BOTH sides

Yes but, as with incidents of journalistic fraud, you only mention one side.

You know, you should enjoy my combativeness while it lasts. When Kerry loses tonight I'm probably going to stop blogging, quit the internet and move to a cave in Mexico. Or, if Mitch is right, my head will just explode and that will be that.

Posted by: Joshua at November 2, 2004 06:34 PM

Hey Joshua, did I read you right? um . . correctly? You're against gun control? I'm not having a dig, I just kinda assumed that you'd be in favour of reducing the number of idiots with guns domestically as much as abroad.

They say that you get the government you deserve. Well, you Americans (God bless ya!) must deserve Mr Potato Head for another four years. The rest of the world, however, does not. You stupid bastards.

Posted by: Simon at November 3, 2004 08:04 AM

Simon, it just proves how bad the educational system is in these here Not Very United States. The educated voted for Kerry.....

Posted by: amelia at November 3, 2004 11:25 AM

Wonderful, Amelia, you just labeled 51 percent of American voters uneducated. I know some fairly intelligent, extrememly educated folks who voted for Bush who might take umbrage with your claim. I may not agree with them all from time to time, but I'd never call them uneducated. Because someone doesn't hold your opinions doesn't mean they're somehow inferior.

Posted by: Ryan at November 3, 2004 12:15 PM

I am using the "general label" used by the media. I think I heard four or five pundits use it on national tv last night. Sorry to step on your toes, Ryan. You never make generalities, I know.

Posted by: amelia at November 3, 2004 12:32 PM

I make generalities all the time. I'm a walking generality.

Posted by: Ryan at November 3, 2004 12:38 PM

I swear I read "walking genitalia".......I had to re read it, and then I laughed hard at myself!

Posted by: Donna at November 3, 2004 07:21 PM

Well, it could be argued, convincingly, that I'm also a walking genitalia.

Posted by: Ryan at November 3, 2004 07:26 PM


I'm against gun control, but in a very specific way. I think most adults should be legally able to own and keep a gun. And by "gun", I don't mean "hunting rifle". I mean "assault rifle". I mean "high capacity handgun". I mean a gun you could use to overthrow the government because (and I know most people don't agree with this), I think citizens in a democracy should have most or all of the rights of any member of their government.

On the other hand, I think using a firearm (or a replica) to commit a crime should carry a 20 year minimum sentence, even if nobody gets hurt. I think trigger locks and gun safes should be required by law, and that anyone whose gun is stolen and used in a crime who failed to take those basic precautions should be considered an accessory.

So that's my take on gun control in the United States, where many of the cops are trigger-happy racists with high capacity 9s and the feds are over-eager cowboys.

My opinion of gun control in, say, the UK or Australia would be somewhat different.

Posted by: Joshua at November 5, 2004 11:50 AM
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