August 16, 2008
Married? Yes, Married! Sheesh!
Just for the record, no, those aren't our children. One is my. . . well, legally I guess I can call her my niece now. The boy is my friend (and best man), Troy's son.
Extra karma points if you know the inspiration for this post title.
August 15, 2008
Cheap Thrill
After reading this, I feel compelled to say. . .
Tard. Retard. Retarded.
If you're retarded, and you die and come back as a retarded person, you have been reintardated, having undergone the mystical karmic process of reintardation.
A retarded Yosemite Sam would probably say something along the lines of "What in tardation are you talking about?!"
A retarded person in court should always feel free to play the "Race Tard."
A retarded person trying to buy cigarettes or alcohol should always be tarded by the cashier.
Retarded people travelling overseas should always carry the American Express Tard. In fact, they shouldn't leave home without it.
A horny retarded man should never be ashamed of his tard-on. Additionally, it should be understood that it takes time to develop a tard-on, because they're generally slow. A fully-developed tard-on should always be encouraged, even if it means presenting it with a "Participation" ribbon.
Okay, I'm done.
August 14, 2008
Dwarf the Groin With Me
Ryan says: “Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped ‘Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.’”
Caroline says: WTF
Ryan says: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26197543/
Caroline says: That is an awesome contest. How do we nominate Coleman?
Ryan says: I don't want Coleman winning $250!
Caroline says: Oh, good point.
Ryan says: I also like the "Groin the dwarf" paragraph.
Caroline says: That sounds like it could be a catchy saying. He really groined the dwarf on that one.
Ryan says: I was totally groining the dwarf last night.
Ryan says: Dwarving the groin?
Caroline says: Groin Dwarving is going to be an event in the 2012 Olympics.
Ryan says: I could win GOLD!
Caroline says: Splort!
August 13, 2008
August 12, 2008
The Greatest News Article Ever Written
Every so often, I'll encounter a news item I consider to be about the most excellent thing ever written since the invention of the printing press. Such news items are rare, of course, but when I do discover them, I'm typically dismayed by the utter lack of coverage the item garners from the established media outlets.
Therefore, I've occasionally had to use this ThunderJournal space to shed light on news items that have been deemed unworthy by some of the haughtier media establishments.
For example, this week I'm sure you're more than informed about the ongoing 2008 Olympics, the current Presidential race for the White House, and probably something or other about Paris Hilton, who remains somewhat relevant for reasons that entirely escape me.
Thanks to all those "huge" and "important" news stories you, my most incredibly valued readers, probably didn't hear or read about the Iowa man who attempted (and failed) to neuter his friend's dog using a razor blade. See how quickly that got your attention? And yet most of the mainstream media dismissed this major, ginormous story.
According to an Aug. 11, 2008 Associated Press (AP) report out of Des Moines, A Des Moines man accused of using a razor blade in a botched attempt to neuter a friend's dog has been charged with improper care and treatment of animals.
Now, I'm going to pause (paws?) here for a moment so this part of the story can really sink in. Already in this narrative you have a botched razor blade neutering attempt which, normally, for me, would represent a rich source for all manner of off-color puns and jokes practically guaranteed to illicit groans from most anyone reading this.
However, this news article delivered even more than I could have imagined. Even while I was laughing quietly to myself at the very idea of an amateur razor blade neutering attempt, little did I know the article was poised to actually knock me off my chair, convulsing in glorious, gut-clutching rapture.
Police say Hung Doc Vu was issued a misdemeanor citation on Monday and faces a fine of up to $500.
I'm betting never before, and never again, will you see a news article wherein a Hung Doc botches a razor blade neutering. The odds of it happening again are no doubt astronomical, and yet here we are, in this day and time, reveling in the sheer comedic awsomeness of this moment. It's pretty humbling, when you think about it.
Officials say the 49-year-old Vu told them he had been taught the procedure by his father and grandfather, but he has no veterinary license or training.
Ah, yes, the age-old practice of handing down razor blade neutering knowledge from father to son. It's like fishing, only totally different.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Isn't razor-blade neutering an Olympic event?" The answer is no. You're also thinking, "What happened to the dog?"
Well, I won't leave you. . . hanging. I'll wrap up this ThunderJournal post by telling you the dog ended up just fine, all things considered. However, even I can't end this story better than the actual article itself, which concluded:
The dog's owner took the animal in for emergency treatment. Police say the dog, named Pooper, was treated and released.
Comment Query
So, I'm just a bit curious here, but I'm wondering what everyone thinks about the phenomenon of newspapers and other media outlets enabling online comments on their news and opinion content.
On the one hand, I kind of like it. At least it exposes the world to differing thoughts and opinions that would normally get shredded during the typical editorial vetting processes.
On the other hand, there are a lot of people out there who just post differing thoughts and opinions. . . because they can, not because they actually believe what they're writing; or at least that's the way I'm observing things.
Some people just like to be dicks, while others are contrarian just for the sake of being contrarian.
This has been the case for online commenters in general for the better part of the last decade, but now that they have free reign in the general media, it's somewhat tough to see the value.
Whatever, I guess. It's just weird to see news articles about John Edwards getting some tail on the side devolve into comment threads about Iraqi yellowcake intelligence and 9/11 conpiracies.
