August 12, 2008

The Greatest News Article Ever Written

Every so often, I'll encounter a news item I consider to be about the most excellent thing ever written since the invention of the printing press. Such news items are rare, of course, but when I do discover them, I'm typically dismayed by the utter lack of coverage the item garners from the established media outlets.

Therefore, I've occasionally had to use this ThunderJournal space to shed light on news items that have been deemed unworthy by some of the haughtier media establishments.

For example, this week I'm sure you're more than informed about the ongoing 2008 Olympics, the current Presidential race for the White House, and probably something or other about Paris Hilton, who remains somewhat relevant for reasons that entirely escape me.

Thanks to all those "huge" and "important" news stories you, my most incredibly valued readers, probably didn't hear or read about the Iowa man who attempted (and failed) to neuter his friend's dog using a razor blade. See how quickly that got your attention? And yet most of the mainstream media dismissed this major, ginormous story.

According to an Aug. 11, 2008 Associated Press (AP) report out of Des Moines, A Des Moines man accused of using a razor blade in a botched attempt to neuter a friend's dog has been charged with improper care and treatment of animals.

Now, I'm going to pause (paws?) here for a moment so this part of the story can really sink in. Already in this narrative you have a botched razor blade neutering attempt which, normally, for me, would represent a rich source for all manner of off-color puns and jokes practically guaranteed to illicit groans from most anyone reading this.

However, this news article delivered even more than I could have imagined. Even while I was laughing quietly to myself at the very idea of an amateur razor blade neutering attempt, little did I know the article was poised to actually knock me off my chair, convulsing in glorious, gut-clutching rapture.

Police say Hung Doc Vu was issued a misdemeanor citation on Monday and faces a fine of up to $500.

I'm betting never before, and never again, will you see a news article wherein a Hung Doc botches a razor blade neutering. The odds of it happening again are no doubt astronomical, and yet here we are, in this day and time, reveling in the sheer comedic awsomeness of this moment. It's pretty humbling, when you think about it.

Officials say the 49-year-old Vu told them he had been taught the procedure by his father and grandfather, but he has no veterinary license or training.

Ah, yes, the age-old practice of handing down razor blade neutering knowledge from father to son. It's like fishing, only totally different.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Isn't razor-blade neutering an Olympic event?" The answer is no. You're also thinking, "What happened to the dog?"

Well, I won't leave you. . . hanging. I'll wrap up this ThunderJournal post by telling you the dog ended up just fine, all things considered. However, even I can't end this story better than the actual article itself, which concluded:

The dog's owner took the animal in for emergency treatment. Police say the dog, named Pooper, was treated and released.

Posted by Ryan at August 12, 2008 01:30 PM | TrackBack
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