Rambling Rhodes

My Muse Strikes After A Long Night of Diaper Changing

Inspired by this, and a sleepless night of diaper changing:

I wrote this dialogue between myself and a reluctant woman:

I is Ryan
Ryan I is

That Ryan-I-is!
That Ryan-I-is!
I do not like that Ryan-I-is!

Do you like a wad of jizz?
I do not like jizz, Ryan-I-is.
I do not like jizz, just mind your biz.

Would you like jizz warm or cold?

I would not like jizz warm or cold.
I would not like jizz; you've been told.

I do not like a wad of jizz.
I do not like jizz, Ryan-I-is.

Would you like jizz in a cave?
Would you like jizz during a rave?

I do not like jizz in a cave.
I do not like jizz during a rave.
I do not like jizz warm or cold.
I do not like jizz; you've been told!
I do not like a wad of jizz.
I do not like jizz, Ryan-I-is.

Would you eat jizz with Pop Rocks?
Would you eat jizz with dirty socks?

Not with Pop Rocks.
Not with dirty socks.
Not in a cave.
Not during a rave.
I would not eat jizz warm or cold.
I would not eat jizz; you've been told!
I would not eat a wad of jizz.
I do not like jizz, Ryan-I-is.

Would you? Could you? During sex?
Eat jizz! Eat jizz! Like Tex Mex!

I would not, could not, during sex.

You may like jizz. You will see.
You may like jizz in an orgy!

I would not, could not in an orgy.
Not during sex! You let me be.

I do not like jizz with Pop Rocks.
I do not like jizz with dirty socks.
I do not like jizz in a cave.
I do not like jizz during a rave.
I do not like jizz warm or cold.
I do not like jizz; you've been told!
I do not like a wad of jizz.
I do not like jizz, Ryan-I-is.

Explain! Explain!
Explain! Explain!
Could you, would you, please explain?

What's to explain?! Not in an orgy!
Not during sex! Ryan! Let me be!

I would not, could not, with Pop Rocks.
I could not, would not, with dirty socks.
I will not eat jizz in a cave.
I will not eat jizz during a rave.
I will not eat jizz warm or cold.
I will not eat shit; YOU'VE BEEN TOLD.
I do not like a wad of jizz.
I do not like jizz, Ryan-I-is.

Say! In the john?
Here in the john!
Would you, could you, in the john?

I would not, could not, in the john.

Would you, could you, with John Wayne?

I would not, could not, with John Wayne.
Not in the john. I won't explain.

I would not, could not, with Pop Rocks.
I could not, would not, with dirty socks.
I will not eat jizz in a cave.
I will not eat jizz during a rave.
I will not eat jizz warm or cold.
I will not eat jizz; YOU'VE BEEN TOLD.
I do not like a wad of jizz.
I do not like jizz, Ryan-I-am.

Not during sex; during an orgy.
I do not like jizz, Ryan, you see.
Not in a cave. Not with Pop Rocks.
Not during a rave. Not with dirty socks.
I will not eat jizz warm or cold.
I do not like jizz; YOU'VE BEEN TOLD!

You do not like a wad of jizz?

I do not like jizz, Ryan-I-is.

Could you, would you, during Deep Throat?

I would not, could not, during Deep Throat!

Would you, could you, if it floats?

I could not, would not, if it floats.
I will not, will not, during Deep Throat.

I simply cannot. . . WON'T. . . explain.
I will not eat jizz with John Wayne.
Not during sex! Not in an orgy!
Not in the john! You let me be!
I do not like jizz with Pop Rocks.
I do not like jizz with dirty socks.
I do not like jizz in a cave.
I do not like jizz during a rave.
I do not like jizz warm or cold.
I do not like jizz; you've been told!
I do not like a wad of jizz.
I do not like jizz, Ryan-I-is.

You do not like jizz. So you say.
Try jizz! Try jizz! And you may.
Try jizz and you may, I say.

Ryan! If you will let me be,
I will try jizz. You will see.

*tries eating wad of jizz*

Say! I like a wad of jizz!
I do! I like jizz, Ryan-I-is!
And I would eat jizz during Deep Throat.
And I would eat jizz if it floats.
Please, please let me explain.
I'd eat jizz during sex. And with John Wayne.
And in the john. And in an orgy.
Jizz is so very good, you see!

So I will eat jizz with Pop Rocks
And I will eat jizz with dirty socks.
And I will eat jizz in a cave
And I will eat jizz during a rave.
And I will eat jizz, warm OR cold
Say! I will eat jizz! I'VE BEEN SOLD!
I do so like a wad of jizz!
Thank you! Thank you, Ryan-I-is!

I've said this before, but. . .

The Internet truly is full of stupid people.

When I first started my ThunderJournal back in 2002, the Internet was full of stupid people, sure, but they hadn't, mercifully, quite figured out how to manifest that stupidity en masse.

Alas, the Internet is, if nothing else, a stupidity enabler.

Allowing comments to be posted on YouTube videos, for example, is a prime example of Internet stupidity enabling.

And my post yesterday, wherein I created an online petition as a parody of the sheer, unrelenting stupidity of the "Fire Kersten" petition? That original anti-Kersten petition has nonetheless continued to stand out as one of the stupidest things to fester on the Web. Honestly, there are people signing that petition who think they're writing TO THE STAR-TRIBUNE. How mind-fuckingly stupid are these people?!!!

And that type of shit is ALL OVER the Internet.

Honestly, it should be obvious, to anyone with three firing brain neurons that the petition site is nothing more than an engine for generating online ads. The very fact I could sign a petition as "Abe Lincoln" should be proof positive that the site is nothing but a really stupid gimmick.

But no. Really stupid people take online fluff like that really fucking seriously. Like the Minnesota Monitor, which is itself infused with off-the-charts stupidity masquerading as "news," even deigned to take the petition site seriously because one of the "signers" won a Pulitzer 20 years ago. Never mind the fact the Pulitzer winner has since devolved into such stupidity that he doesn't even recognize a completely meaningless scam petition site when he sees it.

I mean, the Internet is still great and everything; it's a wonderfully useful tool, particularly for those of us in the writing realm.

But jeezum crow. . . the Internet is sure chock full of stupid.

Let's Put the Shoe on the Other Foot

Inspired BY THIS

I simply felt compelled TO CREATE THIS.

Maybe a Pulitzer Prize winner will sign it so it gets picked up by Minnesota Monitor . . .

Dream a little dream.

UPDATE: Fellow Everyday Internet Hero, Mitch Berg, takes up the slashy sword of non-binding Internet petitions WITH HIS OWN TARGET.

Not to Steal Lileks' Bit or Anything, But. . .

With apologies to James Lileks, who is kind of the pre-eminent source for comic book snark. I was conducting a work-related Google image search (and YES, it really was work related), when I stumbled on the following comic book cover:

Leaving aside the fact I didn't realize "turning things to stone" was one of Supergirl's powers--apparently, Medusa doesn't have that market cornered, after all--I was first struck by the reaction of the guy. I mean, there he is, half granite, half-man. . . and he's ASKING QUESTIONS? If I were in his position, not only would I be mortified to be wearing a tie lifted from Fred's closet in the Mystery Machine, I'd like to think I'd also be saying something more befitting being turned to stone; something like, "Gah! Bitch, stop it! For the love of God, don't do this!"

For that matter, you'd think he would have started to clue in to the fact something wasn't right BEFORE he was half-a-statue. You know, maybe when Supergirl led him to a secluded spot populated by a dozen or so statues that look kinda out of place. . . and kinda like him.

And, by the way, Supergirl is apparently a bit of a tart, judging by her collection of exes. A hot dog down a hallway comes to mind. A Superhallway.

The Perv is Strong With This One

Ryan says: You know, as much as I totally hate to admit it, that damned Miley Cyrus song they play on KROC is pretty catchy.

Caroline says: I don't think I've ever heard it. I don't listen to KROC much at all.

Ryan says: I heard it on my way to BJJ class last night, and it was rolling through my head for the next three hours.

Caroline says: The song was or Miley was? Ba dum bum!

Ryan says: I may be a perv, but I'm not THAT much of a perv.

Caroline says: I think you are.

Ryan says: You've always been my biggest perv supporter.

Caroline says: It's like being an athletic supporter, only with less cup.

Ryan says: Pervporter?

Caroline says: Well, yeah. Portaperv is something COMPLETELY different.

Ryan says: "This is Ryan Rhodes, on scene live, pervporting these unfolding events."

Caroline says: There's' going to be a Fraggle Rock movie.

Ryan says: Does Red get naked?

Caroline says: Well, the plot line is the mystery surrounding the carpet matching the drapes.

Caroline says: So, yes.

Ryan says: Giggity.

Caroline says: If we had a radio show, we could offend people on a grander scale.

Ryan says: Did we offend someone?

Caroline says: No, but think of the possibilities.

Ryan says: Thanks for listening to "The Offensive Geode Twins."

Caroline says: TOGT

Ryan says: Bumper Sticker: "Take Time Out for TOGT!"

Caroline says: More like bummer sticker.

Crippled Conversation

Caroline says: I love BWE (Best Week Ever -- ed) because of post titles like this one: Tony Romo Sings Like Jimmy From Southpark Imitating Bob Dylan

Ryan says: Who is Jimmy on South Park?

Ryan says: Did he mean "Timmy?"

Caroline says: No, Jimmy is the kid in the wheelchair and Timmy is the kid with crutches.

Ryan says: Timmy is the kid in the wheelchair.

Caroline says: then Jimmy is the one with crutches

Caroline says: Or something

Ryan says: Cripple Fight!

Caroline says: Sigh. What a great show.