Rambling Rhodes

Heroes, Part III

The third part of our series, wherein we honor everyday blogging and ThunderJournaling heroes who go out into the wilds of the Internet, usually daily, rarely on weekends, to clash literary swords with those who disagree with them, falls to me today. With appropriate nods to Grace Kelly who, through one of the most mind-numbingly retarded things ever scrawled unto the Web, was the genesis for this mocking three part series.

So far, LearnedFoot has been interviewed and recognized for excellence in the field of heroical heroics in the face of anti-heroic forces.

Next, LearnedFoot turned to me, interviewing me in the most e-mailing-est way possible, making sure to get everything just right, and I basked in the glory of being an Everyday Internet Hero, if only for a short time.

Today, it is my duty, and my deepest honor, to reach forth into the maelstrom that is the Internet and select a blogger whom I deem worthy of the title of "Everyday Hero." To that end, I honor Mitch Berg, proprietor of the blog "Shot in the Dark," a man who has had many "baseline hits" in his tenure doing written battle on the InterTubes. A grizzled veteran of many peevish wars, I was surprised that General Berg acquiesced to an interview with me. We had a delightful time, exchanging e-mails to ensure our interview would be transcribed just right.

I will now channel the living spirit of Grace Kelly, to ensure Mitch Berg, Everyday Internet Hero, is given the appropriate respect:

While posting my personal entries on the turd rating Web site, www.ratemypoo.com, I was doing quite well. In my entries, I made strong baseline shits, over time, making good pants. Then Mitch Berg would come along with an image that just shit a homeruns so far out of the throne, that the usual cast of fecal image posters would quietly leave the field. I really wanted to meet this person. I was lucky enough to get this interview. I am hoping this series on everyday heroes will be picked up and mocked by basically the entire world. This is my first interview. I met with Mitch Berg, by which I mean I e-mailed him, and had a delightful time, because e-mail delights me. This is Mitch's writing up answers to the interview which, again, was done by delightful e-mail, so we both know it is exactly correct.

Mitch Berg is a conservative blogger and radio personality living in St. Paul, Minnesota. He currently contributes missives to his Shot in the Dark (www.shotinthedark.info) blog (widely believed to be the best blog in existence today), as well as appearing as the ever-hilarious "Head of Alfredo Garcia" on the second best blog in existence, "The Koolaid Report" (koolaidreport.blogspot.com). Berg has read one book (a magazine, actually, presumably about ancient pottery, called "Juggs.") and produced and written hand shadow plays for the wall. He’s also a pretty tall guy, and he has a solid reputation as the Twin Cities' best feminist.

1) How did you get started writing about politics?

I was in a job where I was being terribly henpecked at the time. I needed some way to exorcise my feelings of powerlessness and rage that wouldn't land me in jail. I discovered the "blog". With my "blog", I discovered I was able to break public policy to my will, to destroy my enemies and get what I really wanted out of life. It gave me meaning. People liked me.

That, and the babes.

2) Do you have a special mission?

To break public policy to my will, to destroy my enemies and get what I really wanted out of life. To find meaning. To force people to like me.

That, and the babes.

I once did an interview with a contemporary artist. I asked the artist: "why do you paint portraits of Elvis on velvet?". He looked pensive, furrowed his brow, took a sip from a latte, sighed deeply, scratched his cracker-crumb-covered Van Dyke, adjusted his black beret, reached into his pants and adjusted his underwear, sniffed apprehensively as if he were worried the adjustment would set loose waves of odor, sniffed again as if to confirm it, sniffed his finger, furtively rubbed it on the inside crease of his chinos, took another sip of his latte (chasing it with a sip of Vitamin Water, and then two more), shifted his weight on his chair, sighed derisively, rolled his eyes, and said "I paint Velvet Elvi as an ironic commentary; I highlight the absurd in life by spotlighting the gauche and repulsive; it is only through celebrating that which revolts us that we can apprehend true beauty".

I poured Diet Coke over his head.

That is my mission. Metaphorically speaking.

3) What do you consider your best piece of writing?

The one I wrote while under sniper fire in 1996.

4) Do you have a short version of your political philosophy?

"Drive your enemies before you, and hear the lamentation of his womyn".

5) Who are your heroes and why?

My heroes are the little people. I believe they are the future. Treat them well, and help them lead the way. Let them show you all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride! Let them show us how the way things should be! I decided long ago that heroes shouldn't walk in anyone's shadow.

6) Why do you write in to the Internet under your real name?

Because when I first started to write my "blog" on the intrawebs, I tried to make up a cutesy nickname. But I put it in the wrong blank on blogger. So every day I had to log in as "ConservativeCasanova", but have my stuff posted under my real name. It took me weeks to figure that out.

7) Do you write with the same style in all places?

No.

When I'm in a happy place, I write happy-ily! And when I'm in a sad place, I let the the overwhelming clouds of gloom drag me into the murky depths, and I write glumly and foetidly.

8) How much feedback do you get? Is different from the "left" and "right" and “those not on the line” version of politics?

Feedback I get from the "right" is usually civil and literate. Much of my feedback from the "left" is actually images scanned from crayon scrawlings. I kid you not.

9) What does good government look like?

It looks like a good administrative assistant; there with help only when it's needed, out of the way otherwise.

10) I notice that you engage in conversation and debate with opposing viewpoints quite successfully. Does anyone actually seem to be persuaded? When and how do people change their minds?

I learned from my good friend Bill Prendergrast that the main goal in engaging and debating "opposing viewpoints" is to nag them into fatigued submission. The smart people are persuaded, and change their minds immediately.

11) Perhaps a bit similar to the "special mission" question posed in #2, I was watching a serious drama starring a young Steve Martin last week that talked about having a "special purpose." Do you feel you have a special purpose, and what would that be?

To drive my enemies before me, and hear the lamentation of his womyn.

12) The people who read your blog are often referred to as sycophants, or lilliputions, or sycophantic lilliputions or lilliput sycophants. Given that, what do you think about Miley Cyrus?

Ask me in three years. I mean, ask in reference to the "lillipution sycophant" thing; legally, I can't talk about that turn of phrase until June, 2011. It's a long story, and subject to a gag order. As to Miley Cyrus, I feel she is merely karmic penance for "Achy Breaky Heart".

13) If you were to name your favorite ethnic food, could you also say you like the musical stylings of Tiny Tim?

I'd rather listen to Tiny Tim than jam Loukanikos in my ears...

Heroes, Part II

As noted yesterday, Mitch Berg was so moved by this bit of off-the-charts stupidity, he felt compelled to attempt his own quest to honor Everyday Internet Heroes, and he justly hoisted LearnedFoot up as the Internet hero he most obviously is.

Today, I'm honored and humbled to be rewarded, in kind, by LearnedFoot himself. I only hope I can wear the crown of Internet hero as nobly as the honor requires.

Not To Keep Picking on the Post-Bulletin, but. . .

Caroline says: Soooooo, this wouldn't have been news if she wasn't claustrophobic? http://www.postbulletin.com/newsmanager/templates/localnews_story.asp?a=341422&z=2

Ryan says: I read that last night and thought the same thing.

Caroline says: News: go figure.

Ryan says: Imagine the following headline:

Ryan says: Person Fine With Tight Spaces Trapped in Elevator During Outage

Caroline says: When asked about her experience, the victim said "Yeah, I like my spaces TIGHT."

Ryan says: This could be an "Onion" article.

Caroline says: Totally.

Caroline says: Here's another great headline: "Cold spring kills Minnesota songbirds"

Caroline says: Cold spring is just about the best villian name ever.

Caroline says: or villain, whichev'

Ryan says: Cold Spring.

Ryan says: Sounds hopeful, but distant.

Caroline says: Just how I want my bottled water to be.

Ryan says: Ooh, we could start our own line of bottled water!

Ryan says: "Tantalus." Cold. Distant. Try a bottle today.

Caroline says: "Tap." Not your average tap water. Because it's in a bottle. See?

Ryan says: "Downspout." Because "Rain" was already taken, and this is the next best thing.

Caroline says: "Backwash." We just cut out the middleman for you. You're welcome.

Ryan says: "Semen." Admit it; you're considering buying a bottle.

*giggity, giggity*

Caroline says: Best. Headline. Ever.

Caroline says: http://www.postbulletin.com/newsmanager/templates/localnews_story.asp?a=340861&z=50

Ryan says: Well, Mozart does have that effect on some women.

Caroline says: Didn't he have a VD or something?

Ryan says: A VD in Very Dashing.

Heroes, Part I

Inspired by, well, whatever the hell kind of nutball, self-loving nonsense THIS IS, Mitch Berg took the ball and "interviewed" fellow ThunderJournalist, LearnedFoot.

Look for Heroes, Part II to appear tomorrow.

Feeling the Pressure

Over the years, I've come to accept--though not necessarily embrace--the fact I can be a little high strung in certain situations. I can be a tad stressed. I find it hard to relax. I can be tense.

Now, such "certain situations" can vary, but typically they revolve around unfamiliar social interactions, or substantial deviances from what I would consider "a daily norm." In other words, mix things up a little bit, and I can become high strung.

Take yesterday, for example.

I'm currently being considered for a writing position at a certain large, famous institution renowned in the field of medicine. This particular institution takes its health and background checks very seriously when it comes to potential new hires. So it was I found myself yesterday trying to navigate the asphalt labyrinth of downtown Rochester, rubbing shoulders with countless, unknown people, in a quest to make an appointment to pee in a cup.

I've lived in Rochester now for close to a decade, so I'm fairly familiar with the downtown district. However, I usually explore downtown on my terms, on my schedule. Yesterday, however, I was frantically trying to locate a very specific place, on someone else's schedule, amidst a sea of people, both employees and patients.

So it was, when I finally arrived at the predetermined location for my health background check, I was, to put it mildly, a bit frazzled. I was out of my usual element, and thus just a tad stressed.

I was, to put it simply, not prepared to have my blood pressure taken right away, which was the very first thing that confronted me. It was your standard-issue blood pressure machine, but from my perspective it may as well have been a medieval rack or iron maiden. I looked at that thing and just knew no positive reading would be forthcoming. Nevertheless, I sat down, put my arm through the loop, and pressed the "Start" button.

Just for the sake of background information here: an ideal blood pressure reading is 120/80. If you can hit that, you're golden. I can actually hit that number, usually after meditating in a Buddhist monastary for a couple of weeks. Seriously though, if I can have about 10 minutes of relaxed breathing, I can come close to the mark.

As it was, in my most stressed out state, out of my element as I was, my initial blood pressure reading came out as 174/101. Not to put too fine a point on this, but a reading like that would usually indicate an impending coronary within the next 60 seconds. I tried steady, relaxed breathing for a few seconds, and pressed the "Start" button again. And again. Each time, the reading came down slightly, but it was still ridiculously high.

I finally wrote down my blood pressure and pulse and gave it to the nurse, explaining that I needed a few minutes to relax if I was going to give a more accurate reading. She looked at the reading number I wrote down, and she seemed to be looking at me as if expecting me to clutch my arm and collapse in convulsions.

After about 10 minutes in a waiting room, where I answered questions and concentrated on thoughts of puppies and kittens while breathing deep and steady, the nurse again took my blood pressure, which had dropped to 140/78; still a bit on the high end, but at least not immediately life-threatening.

And the moral of this story is: don't sneak up on me. OK?

Decadence

Ryan says: I just ate veal parmesan.

Caroline says: Er, congrats?

Ryan says: Thank you. It was like eating a baby cow covered in cheese and marinara.

Caroline says: how is babby cow formed?

I haven't camel toed in awhile

Peeing Preferences

Ever since I can remember, my peeing stance has been one wherein I use my right thumb to hold down my pants/boxers, with my left hand directing my johnson. It seems to me to be the most pragmatic way to achieve the best stream without tainting the clothes with piddle.

Well, just now, not more than six minutes ago, I went to the bathroom, and there was a guy standing at one of the urinals. He was using his left hand to direct his johnson, or at least that's what it looked like from my perspective; but he had his right hand on his right hip, in a sort of Captain Morgan stance. This struck me as both incredibly careless and exceptionally arrogant. I mean, there he was, standing there, refusing to use his right hand to do anything even remotely useful. It seemed like such an unnecessary and boastful act.

This concludes my Monday morning observational gripe.