Rambling Rhodes

Job Jitters

You know, the prospect of starting a new job is both exciting and terrifying.

It's exciting because one of my goals for the last five years or so has been to work in a writing/editing capacity at the Mayo Clinic. As you can imagine, such opportunities are few and far between, and everybody with a mass communications degree within a tri-state area obviously applies to them when they're posted, so the competition is fierce. All things considered, I think I'm going to be a very good fit as a "Web Content Producer," since the job description seemed like it was written specifically for me.

On the other hand, it's terrifying, because what if I'm wrong? What if I suck? What if all my years writing technology-based articles doesn't translate over into the medical world? For the most part, I'm on the positive side of the fence, and I think I'll be great. But, man, lingering doubts just suck, and they keep me from truly enjoying the prospects of an increased salary, great benefits, and just the general excitement inherent in starting a new adventure.

All I know is, June 2 is sure coming up fast.

It's About Nothing

Ryan says: So, here's the dumbest thing to appear in a newspaper I think I may have ever read: http://www.startribune.com/opinion/commentary/19156014.html?location_refer=Opinion

Caroline says: But, it's not by Nick Coleman.

Ryan says: I know. That threw me.

Caroline says: What the--

Ryan says: I know, right?

Ryan says: You're just kind of left there, wondering "what the hell was that even about?"

Caroline says: Was it about something?

Caroline says: Heeeeeeee

When Animals Are the Enemy

There's a lot of talk these days about animal rights. It seems like every day, while I'm trying to eat my double sealburger and dolphin fries, a spam e-mail will appear on my computer screen from some animal rights group telling me cats are people, too.

The fact of the matter is, however, animals are, and always have been, waging war against us. Oh, sure, it SEEMS like an accident when you hit a deer with your car, but what you don't realize is those car-seeking deer are the animal world equivalent of suicide bombers. Deer vs. automobile incidents may seem random, but I assure you, they're part of a very clever, ongoing, coordinated attack. What's more, the deer are now brazenly targeting children? You want proof? Fine!

According to a May 21, Associated Press (AP) report out of Quakertown, Pa., "a disoriented deer smashed his way into a suburban hair salon, and a customer wrestled with the animal to keep it from ramming into his 11-year-old son or other youngsters."

Yeah, right, the deer was "disoriented." Uh, huh. Leave it to the AP to give terrorist deer--or, deerrorists--the benefit of the doubt. The facts of the matter, I think, are abundantly clear: this deerrorist knew full well what it was doing, and it was only foiled in its plot to trample and impale children by the actions of a heroic customer, Randy Goepfert.

"Three hairdressers and several parents and children were in the Holiday Hair salon at a strip mall in this Philadelphia suburb when the white-tail buck crashed through the glass door. Goepfert was paying for his son Tyler's haircut."

Obviously, the deer chose that exact moment to spring its dastardly attack, figuring Goepfert would be adequately distracted while paying, so the deer would have the precious moments it needed to administer a quality child trampling.

"The deer 'was charging right at my son, so I decked him,' Goepfert said. He grabbed the buck by the neck and slammed it to the floor, then climbed on top and began choking it, hoping to keep the animal at bay until authorities arrived."

Mr. President, give this man a medal!

This story has everything: an evil deerrorist, intent on maiming children, in a locale so genuinely American. . . and maybe a little French. . . as a salon; it has a deerrorist punching, slamming and choking red-blooded American standing in the way of the deerrorist and his nefarious plot; it has hairdressers; and it has children.

"Police and a state Game Commission officer later tranquilized the deer, but it had a broken jaw and cuts on its neck and had to be euthanized, officials said."

America - 1, deerrorists - 0!

"Glen Campbell, a wildlife conservation officer, said the deer was likely frightened and disoriented."

And here comes the bleeding heart, deerrorist appeasing apologists. They have an excuse or reason for every deerrorist plot, activity or attack. You can practically set your watch to it.

"'They have a very, very primeval flight response,' Campbell said. 'If they get scared, they don't think, they just try to get away.'"

Oh, the poor, poor, misunderstood deerrorist. He wasn't trying to maim and kill children; he was trying to get away! Really, Mr. Campbell? Really? Then why did it crash through the glass door? If it was trying to "get away," wouldn't you think it would have run AWAY from the building, rather than right at the front door?

Well, the deerrorists may have Glen Campbell fooled but I, for one, know better.

Context is Everything

Reading Lileks today, I couldn't help but laugh at this:

They were okay, I guess, but you would prefer a Chip and Dale to learning about beavers.

Speak for yourself, pal.

The Final Word

One thing that bothered me about the whole HUMORLESS DOUCHE episode from earlier this week was the nagging question as to HOW David Hanners managed to get access to my cell phone number.

Well, yesterday, I called my parents to find out how everything is going in their retired world, and my mother mentioned that some guy from the Pioneer-Press had called them asking for: my cell phone number, my work number and my land line number (which I don't have).

So. . . if I'm to imagine how this all played out in the mind of David Hanners, I'm led to believe he basically was calling every "Rhodes" in the state of Minnesota, asking if the "Rhodes" he was calling was, or knew of, me. All in a quest to track down the person who created a parody petition and made parody comments on a petition site that is so riddled full of credibility holes, it's the Swiss cheese of petition sites.

Therefore, I have to give mad props to David Hanners for his tenacity in tracking down phone numbers, which was very "journalistic" of him. On the other hand, his unrelenting stupidity when it comes to the realm of parody kind of offsets the mad props for his tenacity.

Because, my God man, parody and satire were covered pretty extensively in my Media Law class in college, so you'd think a Pulitzer Prize winner would be able to grasp the concept just a little bit better. A LOT bit better.

Advertising Conundrum

Right now, my Google ads are telling me to:

"Meet Gay Men"

or

"Join Smith Barney"

I'm kinda torn, actually.

Little Known Hazard

One of the most common ongoing injuries I've come to expect training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is an almost perpetual series of mat burns on my feet, ankles and knees. It's not that surprising, really, because the mats are basically plastic versions of the Japanese tatami mats I became accustomed to living in Tokyo. For a close-up of what a zebra mat looks like, GO HERE. If you run your bare feet across those mats enough times, you're almost guaranteed to get a burn.

Right now, I have several burns on both feet, and the only real way to continue training without having the burns break open and bleed all over the mats is to put band-aids over the burns and then secure the band aids by wrapping your foot in athletic tape.

Melissa had the presence of mind to sneak into the living room after I got back from class tonight, and snap this flattering picture of me removing my athletic tape and band-aids.

Makes me wince just looking at it.

Humorless Douche

UPDATE: Alternative title to this post could be: "Why Newspapers Are Circling The Drain."

IMAGE UPDATE: I figured I'd pepper this post with the kind of appropriate imagery that no doubt inhabits the mind of David Hanners.

I recieved a phone call this morning.

From David Hanners, Pulitzer Prize Winning Journalist!

I shit you not.

Mr. Hanners, apparently, took affront to having his name associated with the parody I created last week in response to the petitionsite.com petition calling for the firing of Katherine Kersten.

No, seriously, I shit you not. David Hanners called me this morning. About this. I find it hilarious and somewhat unbelievable, too. But, I assure you, he called me.

Notwithstanding the fact the parody petition was titled, in parody fashion after the original anti-Kersten petition, "Star-Tribune: For Irresponsible Numb-Nuttery, fire Nick Coleman," and notwithstanding the fact one of the "signers" was "Abe Lincoln"--who, I feel I should add, apparently got the joke and didn't call me this morning--David Hanners still felt compelled to give me a jingle this fine day to complain that his name was used as one of the commenters.

I know. I know. It's genuinely hard to believe. But it happened. Honest to freakin' God.

I tried to explain to Mr. Hanners that the petition and the "signatures" were an act of parody, of satire, an attempt to show how ridiculous the petition site was in general because ANYBODY could create a petition and then go and sign it as many times as they wanted under ANYBODY'S name, over and over and over again.

I tried to explain this to Mr. Hanners (who honestly called me this morning), but he was steadfast in resolve that I had wronged him for using his name in parody.

So, I called him a humorless douche.

Now, understand, I don't typically call somebody a humorless douche unless I've given up a conversation as lost because the person on the other end clearly doesn't "get it." I can assure you, however, after about ten minutes of speaking with Mr. Hanners, not only didn't he "get it," he was nowhere within the solar system of "getting it," so I called him a "humorless douche." He didn't know why I had to resort to name calling. I didn't have the patience to explain why I had to resort to name calling. But, believe me, it was warranted. Plus, it made my future wife snort with laughter while brushing her teeth.

But, I told Mr. Hanners I'd meet him halfway. I told him I'd take down his parody "comment" on my petition. My petition that had. . . 30 signatures. My parody petition and parody "signers" that was so clearly parody even Abe Lincoln is in his grave right now, saying "That parody was four score and seven degrees of awesome parody."

However, I'm not going to bow completely to the whims of the humorless douches of the world. I'm going to post the parody petition here, along with ALL the parody "signers," including my completely obvious "David Hanners" parody signature, because I want the online world to know, for as long as this ThunderJournal exists, that there are, indeed, completely humorless douches crawling across this planet. . . and some of them, unbelievably enough, have even won a Pulitzer.

As extra-special goodness, I see Mr. Hanners has added comment #31 to really round out the doucheness of it all. I deleted it, of course, on the petition site, but it shall remain here, for all mu.nu eternity. Ladies and gentlemen, David Hanners, a person who clearly doesn't understand parody, humor, or the Internet in general.

ANOTHER UPDATE: There's a part of me that feels compelled to write 20 "David Hanners" comments in a row, but I'm too good for that.

Star-Tribune: For Irresponsible Numb-Nuttery, fire Nick Coleman

Target:Nick Coleman

Sponsored by: Ryan Rhodes, Rhodes Media Services

Nick Coleman, columnist for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, has made a habit of writing meandering, pointless, poorly penned, logically fallible, half-assedly Google-researched twaddle in Minnesota. But in his recent smear of Minnesota's sesquicentennial, Coleman went further and committed journalistic Numb-Nuttery. There is no place for him in a newspaper that claims to be a newspaper.

Coleman alleged that the 150th anniversary of Minnesota statehood has been an unmitigated flop. His evidence: the word of "a retired Scott County sheriff's deputy who serves as recruiting sergeant for a group of reenactors who portray Battery I of the First U.S. Artillery." Coleman failed to mention that his writing causes birds to fall from the sky due to the sheer wincing stench of his nonsensical "columns." More irresponsibly, Coleman used a tenuous and far-fetched connection to reality to suggest "Col. William Colvill, the hero of Gettysburg who was going to carry the flag into the Capitol when it opened in 1905 but died the night before and became the first person to lie in state in the rotunda," is somehow spinning in his grave. What proof did Coleman offer up in support of this corpse rotation claim? None!

# 31: 7:18 am PDT, May 19, David Hanners, Minnesota Delete
I would like to note that, as of this writing, signature #4 falsely appears under my name, and I DID NOT sign this petition. When I asked the person who started the petition about it, he told me that he signed my name as "parody" and "satire." There is nothing to indicate that. Signing someone else's name to a petition is a serious matter and is akin to identity theft. It is wrong. It is fraudulent. I have asked him to remove it, and I have also asked thepetitionsite.com to remove it.

# 30: 7:39 pm PDT, May 16, Chad Quigley, Minnesota

# 29: 6:30 pm PDT, May 16, Mikhail Gorbachev, Russian Federation
I like the wizard of oz.

# 28: 3:53 pm PDT, May 16, Norm Colman, Minnesota
I cannot abide someone possessing the same surname as I, exhibiting the degree of douchebaggery in print as the foul Nicholas COLEMAN. May he rot in damnation for all eternity.

# 27: 3:20 pm PDT, May 16, Nancy LaRoche, Minnesota
Nick Coleman: he belongs on the Soros-funded MN Monitor, not the Star-Tribune.

# 26: 11:46 am PDT, May 16, Name Witheld, Minnesota
A troglodyte would be a better columnist, and would probably use a more flattering photo to accompany their drivel. Coleman has called himself a "journalist." He's as much a journalist as he is a conservative. His writing is atrocious and his content is irrelevant. As the Strib is having severe financial issues, one hopes that the next round of downsizing will allow Coleman to pursue a career in the food service or travel industries, which would obviously be a much better occcupational match for his charm and abilities.

# 25: 11:37 am PDT, May 16, Duke Powell, Minnesota

# 24: 11:29 am PDT, May 16, Kameel Ahmed, Minnesota
Free speech is a priviledge & needs to be excercised with responsibility. I am afraid that Mr. Coleman has chosen otherwise. His incendiary & inaccurate writings are full of false innuendos. They have caused much angst & pain to a whole community. They go against the very values this country was built upon. Mutual respect & responsible citizenship.

# 23: 10:45 am PDT, May 16, Jeff Urbanek, Minnesota
Coleman has a reckless regard for facts, and is bent on creating a mean-spirited, repressed, joyless world where all march in the same lockstep, those with different ideologies, faiths, politics, ambitions, or lifestyle choices are not allowed in his world view. He would have us all sing out of the same hymnal, do the same activities, parrot the same tired worn out lines. I would advocate for his ability to freely express himself, but he does so in a way that has a reckless disregard for the truth. Anything outside of that world view of his simply does not exist. Are we going to be a country that is inclusive and helps one another, or one that is constantly suspicious of one another and is critical of how everyone else does things? Funny on how he feels free to be a critic of pretty much everything but can not take that scrutiny himself.

# 22: 9:58 am PDT, May 16, Name not displayed, Minnesota
Coleman is the reason I cancelled my subscription

# 21: 9:57 am PDT, May 16, Darrel Pinkston, Minnesota
The worst columnist of a major daily in America.

# 20: 8:02 am PDT, May 16, Melissa Theisen, Minnesota

# 19: 7:59 am PDT, May 16, Greg Lang, Minnesota
Don't forget that when Nickboy got his first job at the Strib his stepmother worked there and his father had long been one of the most powerful democrats in the MN legisslature (including the time when the I35W bridge was approved and built). When the Strib hired Nickboy his brother was a St. Paul City Council member soon to be the current St. Paul mayor. When Nickboy "dumped the Pioneer Press the presspatch hired is soon to be wife Laura Billings as his replacement.

# 18: 7:40 am PDT, May 16, Name not displayed, United States Minor Outlying Islands

# 17: 6:38 am PDT, May 16, Bill Hedrick, Minnesota
In a time when the Strib is hard up for readers the best thing it can do is to keep the best and fire the rest, Coleman is not the best.

# 16: 6:06 am PDT, May 16, Name not displayed, Minnesota
Calling Nikolai Colmanov a numb-nuts is an insult to Numb-nuts everywhere...that being said, he's gotta go.

# 15: 5:45 am PDT, May 16, Shawn Randall, Minnesota
Coleman was a clueless drone with poor writing skills when he was at the Pioneer Press. What is it about the Star Trib hiring away folks from PiPress anyway.

# 14: 5:09 am PDT, May 16, Gary Lieske, Minnesota
He is bad as a colunist and worse on channel 9 news. Please remove him.

# 13: 2:01 am PDT, May 16, Thomas Pirovano, Switzerland

# 12: 8:52 pm PDT, May 15, Name not displayed, New York

# 11: 8:31 pm PDT, May 15, Adam Izer, Minnesota
Nick Coleman's lies make baby Jesus cry.

# 10: 8:09 pm PDT, May 15, Randy Kruckeberg, Minnesota
comrade coleman should be sent to a re-education camp!

# 7: 7:51 pm PDT, May 15, Samina Ali, Minnesota
I am disappointed to see that the Star Tribune can afford to keep someone as unprofessional as Mr. Nick Coleman on their staff. He has consistently used her paid position to promote a personal agenda, which has resulted in the spread of hatred and hysteria over various pet peeves. The Star Tribune should instead celebrate the diversity that makes up Minnesota.

# 6: 3:01 pm PDT, May 15, Abe Lincoln, Washington D.C.
As a former President of the United States who was assassinated by getting shot in the head, I can honestly and truthfully tell you, reading a Nick Coleman column is far more painful than having a lead ball crash through your cranium. While I stand behind the freedom of speech and of the press, in this case, should Nick Coleman be fired, it would be a victory for another valuable freedom: Freedom from Numb-Nuttery.

# 5: 2:58 pm PDT, May 15, C Whitehair, Minnesota
Nick Coleman has been an embarrassment to Minnesota for years. It is past time for him to be retired.

# 4: 2:45 pm PDT, May 15, David Hanners, Minnesota
As a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, I have to say, Nick Coleman writes like a toddler after sniffing a hardwood floor cleaning chemical. The man strings together sentences that make sense only to a select few people suffering from a combination of explosive diarrhea and paranoid schizophrenia. Coleman's not so much a journalist as he is a hemorrhoid that has inexplicably developed the ability to type.

# 3: 2:28 pm PDT, May 15, Mitch Berg, Minnesota
Please, please - expel this piece of journalistic snot!

# 2: 2:04 pm PDT, May 15, Eva Young, Minnesota
I liker Nick Colemans, but num-nuttery is an unforgivalbe affense. Raed my blog.

# 1: 1:52 pm PDT, May 15, Kevin Ecker, Minnesota
Coleman sucks