No matter who the presidential nominees end up being, I will not, I WILL NOT, vote for Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
Ryan says: C'mere.
Caroline says: Do you have candy?
Ryan says: Forget what I call it, just c'mere.
Caroline says: Is Never Gonna Give You Up the RickRoll'd song?
Ryan says: Yes it is. Y?
Caroline says: I just didn't know the name of it.
Caroline says: Honestly, the people who power walk in the halls deserve a swift punch to the asshole.
Ryan says: As do the people who brush their teeth in the bathrooms.
Caroline says: Ugh. I HATE that.
Ryan says: It's disconcerting to be taking a piss and having a stranger brush their teeth behind you.
Caroline says: Maybe your candy is too sweet.
Ryan says: Remember when a milkshake brought all the boys to the yard?
Caroline says: Fondly.
Ryan says: You fondled milkshakes?
Caroline says: I did it wrong.
Ryan says: Well, no wonder all the boys were in your yard.
Caroline says: Damn right. It was better than yours.
Ryan says: I was always lousy at milkshake fondling.
Ryan says: But, man, I could sure work the candy.
Caroline says: headline on msnbc.com: "Tenant heard loud noises from incest cellar"
Caroline says: Incest cellar?
Caroline says: Inc-ellar?
Ryan says: I'm going to put a sign on your door that says "Incest Cellar."
Caroline says: "Please knock before entering"
Ryan says: We must incest you knock first.
Caroline says: http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/penis-massage-pants
Ryan says: Buy them in bulk!
Caroline says: massage your nether-regions for up to 20 minutes (!!!) at a time!
Ryan says: Done and. . . done.
Caroline says: Ding! Massage is done!
Ryan says: More like "Splort! Massage is done!"
Caroline says: Splort? Really?
Ryan says: Well, what kind of onomatopoeia would you use?
Caroline says: I'm not as ... familiar with that sound as you are. I guess I'll have to take your word for it.
Ryan says: Wouldn't say I'm "familiar with it" necessarily. . .
Caroline says: LIES!
Well, I had intended to keep the lid on this for a bit longer, but apparently news travels fast when a third-party company is doing a background check on you.
I'm on the short list for a new job at a local, famous ginormous medical establishment. It's a writing position. I'm a writer. We were meant for each other.
You have to completely re-learn how to pick your nose.
When LearnedFoot goes on a rant, it really is a thing of beauty.
I have to be honest, I'm sick and tired of missing out on all of the world's best bubbles. There are apparently bubbles all over the place; huge expansive bubbles bobbing all around, and yet I've never had the chance to play with any of them.
Of course, the main reason I can never see and play with these bubbles is because NOBODY can apparently clearly see them until they burst, at which point everyone can plainly see the soapy, polluted detritus left behind from the collosal bubble burst.
Take, for example, the Internet Bubble that burst in the late '90s and early Oughts. That was, apparently, a gargantuan bubble, and no one even seemed aware of it until. . . BANG! When that bubble burst, boy, it left a serious mess. You couldn't walk outside for months without being dolloped by dot-com and start-up residue. The clean up from the Internet Bubble burst easily outstripped any Exxon oil spill. People where scrubbing Internet Bubble off ducks for what seemed like ages. It was an environmental catastrophe.
In the years following the Internet Bubble burst, the world became complacent about the existence of rogue, oversized, invisible bubbles. The only real bubble people seemed to be worried about was the possibility of a new Internet Bubble, which experts kept saying was going to burst at any moment, so people were advised to keep their duck scrubbing brushes at the ready, even though most people had thrown out their duck brushes years ago.
Now all of a sudden here we are again, in the midst of another huge bubble burst. Only this time, instead of the Internet being to blame, it was the invisible Housing Bubble that went all blooey.
This burst has created another huge mess, affecting hundreds of thousands of people. Once again, you can't go outside without being covered in slimy mortgage goo and slipping on sub-prime sauce. This stuff is far messier than anything produced by the Internet Bubble burst. It's just as well people didn't hold on to their duck brushes, because nothing short of wire mesh is capable of combing this crud out of a duck's plumage. It's nasty, nasty stuff.
As disgusting as the Housing Bubble Burst pollution is, I can't help but imagine that the Housing Bubble would have been awesome to play with when it was still intact. It would have been fun to bob it it around, passing it from person to person like a global game of bouncing a beach ball around a packed stadium. It would have been nice to at least have had some fun with the Housing Bubble before it popped and sploshed all over the place.
Thankfully, there's still talk about another Internet Bubble burst on the horizon, so keep a keen lookout for your chance to play with a really big bubble.
And buy a new duck brush, just in case.
I'd just like to point out that I've done my own little part in helping to propagate the nonsensical, media-driven BS that is the "green" initiative. Almost two years ago, I wrote this, with a straight face and everything, knowing full well I was penning feel-good PR.
As usual, I apologize to no one.
