Remember when I wrote this post?
Good times. Good times.
Well, I spent some time surfing around to find some of the written wonderments that flowed forth from Amanda Marcotte's keyboard, and this bit was just too good to let pass:
I wish I wasn’t a cum-guzzling boozehound."
Now, I've known some cum-guzzlers in my day. They're like gas-guzzlers, only more whorish. I've also known some boozehouds. But, I don't think I've ever actually met a cum-guzzling boozehound, and frankly, up until the point I read Amanda's fervent wish not to be one, I didn't realize there even were cum-guzzling boozehounds.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but the utmost respect for cum-guzzlers and boozehounds, but I just didn't think it was possible to merge cum-guzzling and boozehounding. I mean, that's A LOT of liquid intake. When do you find time to do anything else? One minute you're guzzling cum, and the next you're taking a pull off a Jack Daniels bottle. What if you accidentally mix them up? What if you find yourself guzzling booze and hounding cum? How embarrassing would that be? Worse, what if you guzzled hounds? PETA would be all over your ass. Hound guzzling is only allowed in Korea.
I suppose it would be possible to be a cum-guzzling boozehound in a more sophisticated way, but I think it would require some pretty nasty mixed drinks, and I'd be terrified, personally, about going to a bar and having the bartender misunderstand me. Somehow, taking an accidental swig of a "seven-seven and semen" would probably put a real damper on my evening, all because Amanda and her fellow cum-guzzling boozehounds wanted to engage in their dual passions in a more sophisticated fashion.
UPDATE: Wow, there's nothing like being blatantly plagiarized by an X-rated porn site; by a random content search bot no less. Warning: do not click this link unless you and your employers/managers are okay with hardcore pornography.
Caroline says: So, Anna Nicole Smith has been dead for probably an hour and Entertainment Tonight already has "her last interview before her tragic death" on the Web site.
Ryan says: "Call. . . 9. . . 1. . . 1 grgrgllllllll"
Caroline says: You win. Hell it is.
Ryan says: Yeah, that was pretty amazingly bad, but I'm strangely proud of it.
Caroline says: I think it's the grgrglllll that put it over the edge.
Ryan says: How poetic that she died at the Seminole Hard Rock Cafe.
Ryan says: You could do SO MUCH with that.
Caroline says: For real.
Ryan says: "Anna Nicole Death Hard On Seminole"
Somebody just came to my ThunderJournal after doing a Google search on. . . "When you try to burp but you fart instead."
I'm no medical expert, but I would still like to advise this wayward soul, if I could.
"GET THEE TO A DOCTOR, NOW!"
I've farted while coughing before. I've even farted while sneezing before. Hell, I've farted AND crapped my pants while puking once or twice. But I've never, ever, NEVEREVER, farted while burping.
And, just so we're clear, I think it would be very humorous to both burp and fart at the same time. I think that would be a most awesome talent to possess. However, if you find yourself farting after trying to burp, that could be a symptom of something quite wrong. A burp should be mutually exclusive from any of the bodily mechanisms required for farting. For example, your anal sphincter should not in any way feel compelled to relax its grip while you burp. Likewise, a burp is a release of air from the upper torso, so it should play no role in expelling gas from the rear exhaust.
In fact, you know what? If you try to burp, but you fart instead, my guess is you're probably only minutes away from a major coronary.
So, I've been watching this odd drama unfold, and I'm largely undecided. Were a lot of the woman's blog posts screechingly off-the-wall Chicken Little sky falling nonsense, complete with expletives? Oh, hell yes. In particular, her brain-dead prognistications about the end of birth control were so stupid and paranoid, they may have well have been ripped from the pages of "Tinfoil Hat Weekly."
Still, it hits to the heart of some of the things I've been thinking about this online personal journal craft. I've been doing it now for five years. I've had opinions I've shared that I've re-thought and re-considered, but I've still allowed my previous iterations to sit out there like old turds, because they represented my thoughts at the time, however much they may have changed or evolved.
I think about this site a lot. More than you may imagine. Every time I apply for a job, particularly locally, I wonder what employer is going to tap my name into Google, find my ThunderJournal, and think my personal politics and beliefs should preclude me from a job. They shouldn't. But those are the very real risks I take.
It's a tough paradox to tackle. On the one hand, I think this is an unfiltered, idealized venue for free speech, no matter how ill-conceived a post may be, but on the other hand I realize I have half a decade of free speech worth of possible consequences. Not a small obstacle to overcome in this rapidly evolving age of instant data recovery.
Still, I believe my opinions, no matter how fluid over time, have value, for me specifically, but also for for current and future generations. I may not get a job tomorrow because someone doesn't share my beliefs/politics, but at least I know I'm not getting a job where people are hung up on beliefs/politics rather than skills and abilities.
Because--and I know this is taboo--if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll write whatever you want. I just may not vote for it.
Because other people tear Nick Coleman a new monkey hole, so I don't have to.
UPDATE: In an unprecedented act by the Star-Tribune, they filmed Mr. Coleman so they could document the creative writing process of Minnesota's premier journalist in real time. For the first time, you can witness what it's like to conjure the literary brilliance that shoots forth from Coleman's fingers like Dark Side lightning. Here's the actual footage of Nick Coleman writing his latest column:
Did I mention the weather still sucks? Oh my Lord does it suck!
It reminds me of the winter of 2000/2001. It seemed like it snowed every single day. I believe it was a record amount of snowfall in our area. The cabin fever was intense. So intense, it finally made me jump back into martial arts training just so I had something to do to fight back the depression of a winter without end.
That's kind of what it's starting to feel like again, except that I'm already in jiu-jitsu, so I'm not sure exactly how I'm supposed to fight back the depressive haze of consecutive days of cold with no end in sight. Knitting?
Yes, it's still cold. My car temperature read -10 on the way into work this morning. That's very cold. That's 42 degrees colder than the freezing temperature of water. That's instant booger freeze cold. That's the type of cold that can cost you your extremeties in a very short amount of time.
And it's supposed to remain this way through the rest of the week, if not longer.
