Rambling Rhodes

A Lifetime of Pepsi Loyalty Deserves a Car

I’m trying to win a car from Pepsi, because I think it’s way past time for Pepsi to bestow a car upon me for all my years of Pepsi loyalty. When I think back on all the Pepsi products I’ve bought and consumed over the years, I feel a Lamborghini may be in order.

What few people know is that Pepsi is, in fact, a gateway soda, just like marijuana is a gateway drug. Oh, sure, I started on Pepsi as a child, but as I got older I was tempted to try Crystal Pepsi, which was an abomination against soda. What was Pepsi thinking?

Pepsi CHEMIST: Eureka! I’ve created a clear, caffeine-free cola that tastes pretty much exactly like regular Pepsi!

Pepsi EXECUTIVE: Um, why?

Pepsi CHEMIST: I have no idea! That’s the beauty of it! It’s revolutionary and completely unnecessary, like New Coke!

Pepsi EXECUTIVE: Excellent! New Coke was a success, wasn’t it? Nevermind. Let’s call this new clear soda. . . Crystal Pepsi!

And so a bad idea was born. And of course I had to try it, and of course I went right on back to regular Pepsi, and I stayed with regular Pepsi all through college, at which point Pepsi unveiled Pepsi One. Pepsi One, according to a very animated Cuba Gooding, Jr., packed all the goodness of regular Pepsi into a single, solitary calorie. And, being a recent college graduate who now concerned himself with things like “calories,” I made the shift to Pepsi One, which was followed several months later by the move to Diet Pepsi all together.

I’ve been a very loyal Diet Pepsi consumer now going on eight years so, as I said, I think Pepsi owes me a car, and quite probably a new stomach lining. I mean, seriously, have you ever looked at the list of ingredients in Diet Pepsi? What am I thinking? I’d be better off taking up smoking, or maybe Russian roulette.

But no, I’ll stick with Diet Pepsi, because I believe in a very slow, carbonated, caffeine-assisted suicide. That, and I simply can’t stand coffee.

Anyway, Pepsi is currently running a “Free Ride” sweepstakes, during which time one lucky winner each day will be selected to win a customized Subaru Impreza WRX, which sounds like a variant of the Asian bird flu, but is, in fact, a car. Or at least it better be.

To register to win a car, you simply have to have absolutely no life whatsoever. And, since I work in an office environment, I qualify! Basically, this is how it works: you buy a 20 oz. bottle of the Pepsi product you prefer, and unscrew the cap. Up to this point, it’s pretty much like a regular soda drinking experience. But here’s where it gets crazy insane, by which I mean monotonously boring. You look under the cap, where there’s a code (A code!). You then go to a very specific Web site, which requires you to register (which of course means junk mail and spam within a few weeks), after which you enter your code (A code!) to qualify for that day’s drawing. Of course, I’m up against over 10,000+ other people with no life and a Pepsi product addiction each day, but at least I have the glimmer of hope I’ll win a car.

This is what my life’s been reduced to. It’s kind of sad, really.

A Shout Out to VD

Today's a very special day. Today, you have yourself what is commonly known as VD.

Now, some of you are asking: "How the hell did I manage to get to the point where I have to acknowledge VD?"

Well, I'll tell you, it can happen to anyone, and more people than you think have arrived at VD and were totally caught off guard, unprepared for the realities of VD. It's understandable. Winter can be a long, boring, drawn out time, with each day resembling the one before it, and the one before that. Then, suddenly, it's the middle of February, you look in the mirror and realize "Oh, shit! It's VD!"

The most important thing to remember, if you find yourself unprepared for VD, is never, EVER, tell your loved ones, and most definitely don't tell your significant other. The last thing your significant other wants to hear is that you've managed to arrive at VD without at least getting something for it.

So, you simply HAVE to get something for VD. If you don't. . . well, let's just say the consequences can be dire. When it comes to VD, thought and action are a must. You have to be stealthy, so no one suspects you're one of those VD fools caught with your pants down.

I know it sounds bad, but I've found, when VD takes me by surprise, the best place to get something for it is usually a drug store. I know, I know; you cringe when you think of going to a drug store to get something for VD, but trust me, they have everything you could possibly need.

So, take heart, dear readers! VD doesn't have to be all bad. You have options for dealing with VD. So, let's get out there and celebrate VD together!

Did I Mention I Have A Blackbelt in Hapkido?

So does Nick Coleman, apparently.

A Taxing Time

I had my taxes prepared over the weekend, which kind of marks the start of the new year for me, since it's one of those first big things I have to get out of the way.

I used to like tax time. Whan I was going to college, working part-time jobs, and basically scraping by, I could expect a pretty good tax return. Tax returns are nice. But, I haven't seen a tax return in years, and in fact I've had to pay in over the last three years. It's deflating to find out you have to give Uncle Sam even more money than you already have.

Anyway, it looks like I'm poised to get about $200 back this year, which is better than nothing, but not exactly a windfall.

Oh well, maybe next year.