January 20, 2006
Question
So, awhile back, someone asked me to take a post down from way back in 2003. I don't typically agree to delete posts, but in this particular case, I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So, I deleted the post.
I just now received an e-mail from the same person, who had found the post again, despite the fact I deleted it many months ago. My question is, is this a Google cache thing, or did I miss a step in the deletion process. The post does not appear in any of my archives, so it definitely appears deleted on my end, yet here it is.
Believe it or not, it wasn't Mel who asked me to delete the post, either. Anyone know why it's still showing up? I'd like to delete it entirely, if possible.
At any rate, here's a list of hot women: Let's travel back in time, say, 30,000 years or so. I pick this historical time frame because it's from this era, presumably, that we have evidence of the very first shaving razors. For whatever reason, mankind decided that, during this epoch in its evolutionary development, it was high time to divest itself of the annoying beards that had plagued faces for so long.
According to the archeological evidence, the earliest shaving razors so far discovered were made of flint. Flint, of course, was also the rock of choice for making spear and arrow heads. So, it stands to reason that, at some point in our ancestral past, a man picked up a spear or arrow head and decided, for whatever reason, to attack his face with it.
Because I don't like to think that the current multi-million dollar shaving industry was borne from the psychotic actions of some masochistic Neanderthal over 30,000 years ago, I've developed the following alternative theory of how shaving came to be.
THE SCENE: 32,985 B.C. A large camp fire is the centerpiece for a group of about 20 hominids. There is much activity, as the women are skinning a recently-slain mastodon, while the men are hunkered down, fashioning new weapons for the next hunt.
KAROG: Ugh, me eat too much of the great beast me killed. Need nap.
BA-BAR: Beast you killed? You mean beast ME killed!
KAROG: No, Ba-Bar, Maker-Of-Pointy-Stones, I mean beast ME killed!
BA-BAR: Without pointy stones, great beast would have mashed mighty Karog!
KAROG: You dare insult Karog?! You die now!
(a frantic fight ensues, during which Ba-Bar narrowly misses slicing Karog's face, and instead hacks off the entire right side of Karog's beard. All the women suddenly perk up and admire Karog's new look)
LORETTAG: Ooh, me like Karog's face now. Reminds Lorettag of when Karog was young man. Lorettag has new interest in making babies with Karog.
LISAG: Me first!
KAROG: Quick, Ba-Bar, cut hair from other side of face! I give you 25 snail shells if you do good job!
And so Ba-Bar became mankind's very first "barber," and the world hasn't been the same hairy way since.
I myself am particularly in Bar-Bar's debt because, in addition to shaving my face, I also—thanks to a genetic propensity towards premature hair loss—have been shaving my head now for about a decade. What struck me last week, as I wandered the aisles of a local pharmacy, was just how far mankind has advanced from the flint razors of old. I mean, today, shaving is, if the advertising is to be believed, about as exciting and action-packed as a sporting event.
I stood there, confronted by a collection of razors so advanced, I wasn't sure if I was even qualified to use them. There's the Gillette M3 Power Razor, which comes packaged with a battery. Now, maybe I've just been stuck in my Mach 3 rut now for too long, but as awesome as the Mach 3 is when it comes to shaving my head, I've nicked myself enough times to know that I probably don't need electricity coursing through a razor during the shaving process. I think the triple blade is plenty dangerous without a Duracell assist.
And speaking of the triple blade, I noticed that Schick has come out with a four blade razor called the "Quatro," because apparently shaving is all the more hip when it's conducted in Spanish. At any rate, I'd like to think that the oneupsmanship when it comes to adding more blades to a razor is going to end sooner rather than later, maybe around the release of the "Ocho." Because, really, I don't think additional blades actually have that much of an impact, beyond upping your chances of cutting yourself. Actually, I think it's high time we went back to the world of flint razors.
After all, if they were good enough for Ba-Bar, they should be good enough for us.
Now, for no particular reason, here's a list of nonsensical words that make me giggle:
Frugal. Mukluks. Blubber. Gabardine. Eskimo. Whale. Bulbous. Galoshes.
Frugal. Mukluks. Blubber. Gabardine. Eskimo. Whale. Bulbous. Galoshes.
Frugal. Mukluks. Blubber. Gabardine. Eskimo. Whale. Bulbous. Galoshes.
January 19, 2006
I Hear Dead People. . .
I swear to God and sunny Jesus that, even if I live to be 127 years old, audio and video tapes will still be released by Osama bin Laden. The man is the Elvis of the Middle East.
UPDATE: Okay, upon further review, he's more like the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the Middle East.
January 18, 2006
Customer Service
Without going into detail about who my high speed Internet provider is (*cough* rhymes with Barter! *cough*), I thought I'd share my recent experience calling into Barter technical support when my high speed Internet access became neither "high speed," "Internet," or "Access." Keep in mind, this is an approximation of my experience, so some of the dialogue may not be entirely correct, thanks to my own sieve-like memory.
computer female Voice (CFV): Before I direct your call, I'd like to ask you a few questions. Is your computer currently turned on?
Me: Yes.
CFV: That's good. You should turn it off before proceeding. When you've turned off your computer, say "Continue."
Me: Continue.
CFV: Okay, next we need to locate your modem, which should be near your computer. Do you see your modem?
Me: Yes.
CFV: That's good. Now, I need to know what kind of modem you're using. Look at the front of your modem and see what brand you have.
Me: SurfBoard.
CFV: You have a SurfBoard modem. Is that correct?
Me: YES!
CFV: That's good. If at any time during this call, you don't understand something, just say "there's a problem." Now, look at the front of your modem, there should be four solid green lights. Do you see four solid green lights?
(I should note here that this was the very nature of my call. The modem lights clearly indicated that there was no connection being established.)
Me: NO!
CFV: That's good. We need to restart your modem. Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and then plug it back in. Then say "Continue."
Me: I've already done that about 20 times!
CFV: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. We need to restart your modem. Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and then plug it back in. Then say "Continue."
Me: CUNT-INUE!
CFV: Good. Wait a few moments for the lights to go solid green, then say "Continue."
(The lights continue to blink ineffectually for about three minutes).
Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!
CFV: It may take a few minutes for the connection to re-establish itself. Wait a few moments for the lights to go solid green, then say "Continue."
Me: . . .
Me: CUNT-INUE!
CFV: Good. Are all the lights solid green?
Me: NO!
CFV: We need to restart your modem. Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and then plug it back in. Then say "Continue."
Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!
CFV: We need to restart your. . .
Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!
CFV: . . . Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and then plug it back in. Then say "Continue."
Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!
CFV: Are you connected through a router?
Me: . . .
Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!
CFV: You have very pretty eyes.
Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!
CFV: And you have a good build. Have you been working out?
Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!
CFV: Seriously, if I weren't a computer, I'd pounce on you like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch.
Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!
CFV: I'm sorry, but I can't figure out where your trouble is occurring. I'll now direct you to a customer service representative (CSR).
CSR: Hello, my name is Steve, how may I help you?
Me: Hi, Steve. My name is Ryan. My Internet's been down since this morning, and the modem lights indicate there's no signal coming through.
CSR: I'm sorry to hear that, sir. We'll try to get you back up and running as soon as possible.
Me: That's good to hear.
CSR: First, we need to restart your modem. Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and. . .
Me: ARRRRRRRRRGH!!
January 17, 2006
Quick Question
Why is Jonbenet Ramsey now the poster child for a walk against diabetes?
Yes, I'm going to hell, but we already knew that, didn't we?
January 16, 2006
As a former wrestler. . .
I still find this funny.
And having never bungee-jumped, I still find this funny, too.
Both images found on this Fark thread.
