Rambling Rhodes

Customer Service

Without going into detail about who my high speed Internet provider is (*cough* rhymes with Barter! *cough*), I thought I'd share my recent experience calling into Barter technical support when my high speed Internet access became neither "high speed," "Internet," or "Access." Keep in mind, this is an approximation of my experience, so some of the dialogue may not be entirely correct, thanks to my own sieve-like memory.

computer female Voice (CFV): Before I direct your call, I'd like to ask you a few questions. Is your computer currently turned on?

Me: Yes.

CFV: That's good. You should turn it off before proceeding. When you've turned off your computer, say "Continue."

Me: Continue.

CFV: Okay, next we need to locate your modem, which should be near your computer. Do you see your modem?

Me: Yes.

CFV: That's good. Now, I need to know what kind of modem you're using. Look at the front of your modem and see what brand you have.

Me: SurfBoard.

CFV: You have a SurfBoard modem. Is that correct?

Me: YES!

CFV: That's good. If at any time during this call, you don't understand something, just say "there's a problem." Now, look at the front of your modem, there should be four solid green lights. Do you see four solid green lights?

(I should note here that this was the very nature of my call. The modem lights clearly indicated that there was no connection being established.)

Me: NO!

CFV: That's good. We need to restart your modem. Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and then plug it back in. Then say "Continue."

Me: I've already done that about 20 times!

CFV: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. We need to restart your modem. Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and then plug it back in. Then say "Continue."

Me: CUNT-INUE!

CFV: Good. Wait a few moments for the lights to go solid green, then say "Continue."

(The lights continue to blink ineffectually for about three minutes).

Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!

CFV: It may take a few minutes for the connection to re-establish itself. Wait a few moments for the lights to go solid green, then say "Continue."

Me: . . .

Me: CUNT-INUE!

CFV: Good. Are all the lights solid green?

Me: NO!

CFV: We need to restart your modem. Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and then plug it back in. Then say "Continue."

Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!

CFV: We need to restart your. . .

Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!

CFV: . . . Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and then plug it back in. Then say "Continue."

Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!

CFV: Are you connected through a router?

Me: . . .

Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!

CFV: You have very pretty eyes.

Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!

CFV: And you have a good build. Have you been working out?

Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!

CFV: Seriously, if I weren't a computer, I'd pounce on you like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch.

Me: THERE'S A PROBLEM!

CFV: I'm sorry, but I can't figure out where your trouble is occurring. I'll now direct you to a customer service representative (CSR).

CSR: Hello, my name is Steve, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, Steve. My name is Ryan. My Internet's been down since this morning, and the modem lights indicate there's no signal coming through.

CSR: I'm sorry to hear that, sir. We'll try to get you back up and running as soon as possible.

Me: That's good to hear.

CSR: First, we need to restart your modem. Unplug the black power cord from the back of the modem, and. . .

Me: ARRRRRRRRRGH!!

Posted by Ryan at January 18, 2006 12:46 PM | TrackBack