Rambling Rhodes

Ski Talk

Ryan says: Only in America can you make a joke about how hard it is to ski while drunk, and then have to apologize for the remark.

Caroline says: no doubt

Ryan says: Good God.

Caroline says: If you say "slalom" enough times, you start to sound drunk anyway.

Ryan says: Or you start considering becoming Jewish.

When The Media Makes Excuses. . .

They try to be so cute and creative about it.

Hey, let me try!

Playwright's note: This a work of fiction.
(The scene: a bedroom in an American starter home, circa 2006. The pale light suggests a January morning. There is no movement; the bed is disheveled and heaped with blankets. On the bedside table, a telephone rings 10 times, then stops. It begins to ring again, and a hand emerges from the pile of blankets to pick it up, knocking over an empty bottle of Karkov Vodka in the process.)

VOICE FROM BLANKETS: Hello?

VOICE ON PHONE: Coleman! That you?

(The bedding erupts as a startled moron recognizes the voice of his boss and bolts upright. He is NICK COLEMAN, an earnest old codger who has slept in his glasses and Depends.)

COLEMAN: Yes, yes, this is Coleman. Is that you, Chief?

CHIEF: Don't call me Chief! Listen, Coleman, and listen good, because you're in the soup and my hand's on the gas.

COLEMAN: Did I do something wrong? Again?

CHIEF: Wrong? Something? Did you? I swear to heaven, if you weren't in the union I'd be playing kick the can with your head right now! Turn on the news!

COLEMAN: I don't have a TV yet. I have a HAM radio. And some soup cans attached by a string.

CHIEF: Figures. Look, you sniveling forgery, I put my trust in you. I left you in charge last night. You wanna know when I'll do that again? Sometime after I retire and die!

COLEMAN: I did something wrong. I can sense it. I know stuff. I'm nobody's monkey.

CHIEF: Well, that's good, because you sure didn't see it on the wires, you dumb monkey. Evidently you don't look at the wires.

COLEMAN: Of course I do! What's this about?

CHIEF: There was a major development last night. In a front-page story. You missed it.

COLEMAN: Oh, no. Was there a fight outside the hockey game? Did something happen to the poor?

CHIEF: Bigger than that.

COLEMAN: Don't tell me something happened with the miners. Or the poor.

(Playwright's reminder: Remember, this is fiction.)

CHIEF: Hello? Yes, the miners!

COLEMAN: Those poor men. ... And the poor poor.

CHIEF: Hey, look at that, it's not even 9 a.m. and you're wrong already. No, bean brain! They're alive!

COLEMAN: What? That's wonderful! But what about the poor?

CHIEF: Wonderful for them, not so wonderful for you. Did you or did you not see a bulletin at 11 p.m.? Two! Hours! Before! Your! Shift! Ended! More important, why did you leave after your shift ended when you knew full well this was still a developing story, you meathad?

COLEMAN: Oh, well. Yes, I saw that. The details were sketchy. No confirmation from the mining company.

CHIEF: No confirmation? They had it from the families!

COLEMAN: Unreliable. I prefer to talk to random people on the street for confirmation.

CHIEF: And a member of Congress!

COLEMAN: Could have been K Street talking. You can't trust those fat cats. But, the random phone call or e-mail in praise of me? That's unimpeachable, because I don't get 'em very often.

CHIEF: And the governor! The governor announced it!

COLEMAN: Pawlenty's a stooge. A fat cat stooge. I don't believe anything any government official says, except for my brother. Besides, I just thought it was strange that we weren't hearing anything from the mining company.

CHIEF: It never occurred to you that the mine bosses might have been thinking about something else -- like how to keep from losing their shirts to lawsuits by 12 angry men?

COLEMAN: I was mainly thinking that it would be irresponsible of me to get anybody's hopes up. So, I decided to go home, drown my guilty sorrows in screwdrivers, possibly masturbate to the the J.C. Penny catalogue undewear section, and then pass out.

CHIEF: Ah. I see. So much better to be the one paper in three time zones to miss the good-news story of the century. And I love the photos of laughing survivors holding up our headline, MINERS STILL MISSING. Priceless.

COLEMAN: The one paper? You mean everybody else gambled that the families and the governor were correct? Those monkeys.

CHIEF: Yep. I suppose we should be grateful you weren't on the desk when Apollo 13 splashed down or the Shackleton Expedition got home.

COLEMAN: OK, OK. I'll try to do better, if you give me a chance. But ... do I still have a job?

CHIEF: Are you kidding? We couldn't fire you if you were caught doinking a 12 year old boy on the copy desk. If we haven't fired you by now, chances are you'll have a job here until the Rapture.

(Blackout.)

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A victimless Crime

Ryan says: In a letter to the editor, it reads:

Ryan says: "I am very upset with the article about the suicide victim (in Monday's edition). There are young children in the family and they don't need your help with the shock and pain of this tragedy. You have done this family an extreme injustice. I am very disappointed. I have heard this from others, also."

Ryan says: How can one be a suicide victim?

Caroline says: Multiple personalities?

Ryan says: LOL!

Caroline says: Suicide victim eulogy: "Lance was a great guy who would do anything for anyone. He had wonderful personalities, except that one ... that one that made him take all those pills."

BURN!

Go read Joshua. He went on a tear. An entirely amusing tear. Of course, I don't agree with him on some of his linky points, but a good laugh is still a good laugh.

I wish I could give myself a blow job.

Anyone? Bueller?

Is the following partial logo familiar to anyone, particularly Minnesota readers? It strikes me as familiar. Not like this logo, mind you, but familiar. It's driving me buggy. If you recognize it, let me know.

A Productive Day

Today, I sat for seven straight hours listening to people talk about IBM stuff. It was mind-numbingly dull, so I started doodling and writing random stuff. This is just a sampling of how I spent my day (Click images for larger versions).

Harmonizing With Dean and Sam

This just cracks me up.

Media To Blogs: Stop Saying What You Think!

From the Star-Tribune:

So we finally know who Minnesota Democrats Exposed is. And who cares? I don't.

In fact, he doesn't care so much, he's about to dedicate an editorial to it. Also, the word "finally" seems to indicate he's been following the story now with at least SOME interest. But, nah, he doesn't care.

Michael Brodkorb's website is described as a blog. In my opinion, nothing could be further from the truth. A blog offers analysis and opinion -- be it snarky or thoughtful; Brodkorb's is a clearinghouse for anything remotely negative about the DFL -- articles from newspapers or press releases from campaigns or the Minnesota Republican Party.

So, there you have it. A blog is only a blog if it offers analysis and opinion. So, by that definition, Rambling Rhodes is barely a blog, because I post photoshopped pictures of my ass and write expansive expose about my experiences and thoughts of going to the bathroom. Because of that, this is not a blog, so I apologize for positioning it as such for all these years.

Wait a minute, no I don't apologize. A blog is whatever the author wants it to be. If you want to blog about cats, you have a cat blog. If you want to blog about hot women, you have a hot women blog. If you want to blog about your political party in a shamelessly partisan fashion, you have a shamelessly partisan political blog. It's your right as an extension of free speech and, I would argue, free press.

That would make sense -- the state GOP is Brodkorb's former employer, and, whether he is on the payroll or not, it is obvious from a cursory look at his site that he's still carrying water for the party.

So what? If his political ideologies are still aligned with the GOP, it's his right as an American citizen to opine to the skies about what he thinks of the GOP and what he doesn't think of the the DFL. A person can certainly be ridiculed for those opinions, but he still has a right to those opinions and to blog about them as he or she sees fit.

I don't know enough about libel law to offer an educated opinion on New School Communications' libel suit against Brodkorb (a friend who does know says it's a pretty weak case). But I do know this -- Brodkorb is no John Peter Zenger. Just look at the name of his website. He's no First Amendment martyr.

If an anonymous blogger is outed due to a frivolous and weak lawsuit that isn't intended to actually win, but to simply out an anonymous blogger, you better believe there's a First Amendment threat going on. If Brodkorb didn't have the right to blog anonymously, then journalists have absolutely no right to cite anonymous sources in their articles, or to pen anonymous editorials and commentary.

He has an agenda. So do the operators of Minnesota Republican Watch, Kennedy vs. the machine, Dump Bachmann, etc. And that's their right. It's just one of the ways that the blogosphere is changing -- for better or for worse -- the political landscape. And while some of these sites are interesting and worth a bookmark, remember their purpose as you read their posts.

Yeah, because the casual visitor to ExposingMinnesotaDemocrats.com would have no idea there may be a political bias going on there. They'd be SHOCKED to learn that DumpBachmann has an anti-Bachmann leaning. Be warned, oh ye Web surfer, thar be opinions out here! Arrrrrrrrr!

It's too bad. Blogs should strive to be something more.

Really? We should? These venues for Joe Everybody should strive to be something other than our own unfettered opinion and thoughts about stuff that interests or amuses us? If so, I'm not sure I want to blog any more. Which, of course, most in the mainstream media would love to hear collectively from bloggers.

The mainstream media get rapped on the knuckles a lot, and rightly so.

Yeah, and so do bloggers, whether via e-mail, or those maddening free speech comment engines or, in the case of Minnesota Democrats Exposed, frivolous, weak lawsuits setting a horrible precedent. So, boo-hoo if the mainstream media gets rapped on the knuckles from time to time. Bloggers are hardly immune from the same. We just tend to respond to it better.

By the way, I've had more lively, thoughtful debate in my comment section over the years than anything I've ever seen in any newspaper.

This new forum for investigative journalism and political discourse should be utilized for those purposes, rather than partisan hatchet jobs.

Again, blogs can be utilized for whatever the fuck their authors want, dumbass.

Go ahead and read the rest of the piece, which is amusing in its irony. After complaining about how blogs should be used for less partisan-sniping commentary, the author cites several examples of stories that were kept alive and kicking in the mainstream media thanks to interest and drive in the blogosphere, providing the mainstream media with all sorts of news to cover over recent weeks. You'd think a "thank you" would be forthcoming, but nope.