Redundancy in Advertising
I was rollerblading with the girl last night in temperatures more suited to hunting polar bears, but whatever. After about six miles, we passed a dentist's office called Family Dentist Tree (get it, dentist tree (dentistry), yeah, it's pretty lame). Anyway, aside from a somewhat witty play on words, the office also touted "Gentle Dental Care."
Oh, it's gentle dental care. Well, I was hoping for a place that dealt a little more in pain and suffering, so I guess I'll keep looking. I mean, really, are people that concerned that they'll enter a medieval dungeon with a rack and boiling oil that they need to see an office that advertises a gentle approach? Imagine a television commercial for a "pain only" approach to dentistry:
DENTIST: We here at "Drill 'em and Fill 'em" don't believe in novicaine or nitrous oxide. Pain killers are for wussies, and they're just expensive add-ons. No, our dentists are specifically trained to offer our patients only shots of J&B whiskey or Yukon Jack. Yes, feel dental work as it was meant to be felt, with screaming pain and occasional fainting. Come to "Drill 'em and Fill 'em" today, and crap your pants when you see the size of our pain-inflicting instruments.
Come to think of it, maybe Family Dentist Tree had to include the "Gentle Dental Care" addendum after an unfortunate string of accidents. Maybe, after years of whacking out teeth with hammers, the folks at Family Dentist Tree discovered that business would do better if they offered a more gentle approach and felt compelled to advertise their newfound gentleness.
Whatever the reason, I think it's still pretty stupid.
You know what though? I have the same general gripe about a lot of restaurants that offer "Good Food" or "Fine Italian Cuisine." As opposed to what? A heaping pile of donkey dung on a platter? "Oh, look honey, this place says it has 'Good Food.' Let's eat here, because that place down the street that offers 'Dog Ass Grub' just doesn't sound like something I'm in the mood for right now."
And, really, I kind of figure that, when I go to a place called "India Garden," I'm probably going to see a menu that features Indian food. I don't need the neon sign telling me that they feature "Authentic Indian Cuisine." Are there Indian restaurants out there that specialize in faux-Indian cuisine? Where the tandoori chicken is, in fact, the Colonel's Secret Recipe? Where the special Indian nan bread is actually Roman Meal or Wonder?
At any rate, I'm finished with my rant. In conclusion, I totally agree with Tammy when she says that Strong Bad is the best. He'll have you laughing till you stop. How's that for a glowing endorsement?
Ugh, Republican Hangover
You know how, after a night of excessive drinking with your friends, you wake up and the mere mention of beer, or the smell of your own alcohol-laden breath, makes your head pound like the one armed drummer from Def Leppard and you go sprinting to the toilet to see if there's anything to expell? And then, after your stomach muscles have finished clenching, you cough into the bowl three times for good measure, and then drag yourself in front of the mirror to ascertain that you do, indeed, look like absolute shit. Well, that's how I feel today after watching the Republicans take control of the Senate.
I simply can't look at MSNBC.com any more today. The beaming face of Trent Lott makes me want to barf in a way usually reserved only for Jack Daniels residue clinging to my stomach lining. *erp* Oh, there's Norm Coleman, fresh off his victory over Mondale. *shudder* Huh, 20 of 36 governorships went Republican. *heave* *splash*
Yes, if pushed, I have to admit that I'm primarily a Democrat in nature. Sure, if I one day find myself to be a billionaire CEO of some ridiculously large corporation, I'll probably change my tune, but until then the conservative coalition called the Republican party strikes me as a pack of fat cats suckling the money teats of businesses that want to free themselves from such irritating government shackles as trust-busting and environmental safeguards.
Not that the Democratic party is flawless, God no. But, at least with the Democrats you have the chance to see genuine change, an experimental push in an unpopular direction because, in the end, it's the right thing to do. Or at least that's my idyllic view of how the Democratic party should operate. As it stands right now, the Dems have about as much direction as Stevie Wonder on a hunting trip in the Amazon.
Watching the Minnesota Democratic campaigns this year was akin to watching a roomful of toddlers trying to understand the complexity of an erector set. They couldn't find focus, and they couldn't find any issues that resonated with voters. All they could pretty much say was, "I'm a Democrat, and I stand for something, er, I think." And, when I voted yesterday, I felt strangely hollow when I checked a Democrat, because I couldn't remember any one thing they stood for, beyond the fact that they were Democrats. That's not voting, that's resigned indifference. "Well, whatever."
Not so the Republicans. I have to hand it to them. This year, they played the fear card brilliantly, focusing on the war on terrorism and Gulf War II to help scour over Bush's dismal economic record thus far. I honestly believe that the American public is still so scared of terrorism that they'll vote for a referendum calling for mandatory genital piercing if it means they can feel just a little more secure. And, as much as I despise the guy, "W" has a calming effect on people, like having a favorite uncle who doesn't know too much but who tells neat stories to take your mind off things. Which is why Bush's whirlwind campaigning for Rebublican candidates over the last couple of weeks worked so well. Bush shows up in Minnesota, and for the next few days you see newspaper front pages sporting his confused yet happy mug. "Bush is here! Bush is here! I feel better, so now I'll vote for Coleman."
So now we get to look forward to two years of Republican control, two years of watching Bush swagger around as if this election established a mandate for his presidency. War with Iraq can now proceed quickly, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I hate to think of the U.S. acting alone. We'll see even more corporate collapses quietly swept under the rug, we'll see drilling in Alaska for oil we're not even sure is there, and we'll see global warming get a jumpstart from relaxed government standards on emissions. In short, we'll see a whole lot of nothing being done when a whole lot of something could be getting done. Oh, my head just hurts.
*retch* *hurl* *ker-vomit*
Running a Late Campaign
I recently decided that I need to take a more active role in politics, because I think "Senator Rhodes" sounds just totally super-cool. Therefore, I am hereby announcing my own write-in campaign to run for everything.
That's right, I'm running for everything, whether it be a coveted Washington senate seat, a school board post, or a high school hall monitor, I'm calling on you, the American citizen, to vote Rhodes for something. Anything. Whatever it is, I assure you, I'm the best person for the job.
I realize I'm running my campaign a little late in the election season, but I'm here to tell you I will campaign vigorously starting, and ending, today. Sure, it's election day, and my chances at winning anything are decidedly slim, but I'm nothing if not optimistic. So, get out there people, and remember to vote for Ryan Rhodes, you know, for whatever.
Now, I know what you're thinking; you're thinking "Sure, Ryan Rhodes is a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness, but what does he know about politics and today's hot issues?"
I'll admit it, I don't know much about politics outside of the television series The West Wing, and hot issues for me usually revolve primarily around the "brunettes verus blondes versus redheads" debate. But, because I want to be a dedicated public servant, someone you'd trust to be in whatever post it is you're voting for, I'll work tirelessly to familiarize myself with today's hot political topics, whatever they are, provided I can still play computer games once in awhile.
For example, it has recently come to my attention that social security is a matter of great concern for many Americans. I guess it has something to do with money for retired people or something. Well, because I like money, and I'd also like to retire some day, social security is important to me too, I guess.
Many people advocate putting social security away in a lock box. I believe this is a terribly bad idea, mainly due to the cruelty inherent in locking poor social security away like a common criminal, denying it basic rights. Who are we to lock up social security, shackling it behind bars, preventing it from seeing his wife and little social securitots? Nay, I say, nay! Let social security be free. Free social security!
Still other people are proponents of the privatization of social security. This, too, is a bad idea. We can't allow something as important as social security to have too much privacy. Seriously, what is social security up to that he wants to keep himself so private? Just a short while ago, social security was in danger of being put in a lock box, so he obviously can't be trusted too much. Does social security have ties to al Queda? In this new world of global terrorism, we can't have social security scheming away in private. No. Keep social security public. Public social security!
Another hot political topic is an apparently imminent attack on Iraq. Now, I just did some thorough Internet research on Iraq, and I discovered some pretty shocking details. For example, I learned that there are people living in Iraq. No, I'm not making this up. Honestly, there are people living in Iraq. Here we are planning an attack on Iraq, apparently oblivious to the presence of nearly 21 million people.
Instead of attacking Iraq and disrupting the lives of so many people, I think we should attack Nebraska. After all, it sounds a lot like Iraq and there's hardly anybody there, so we can attack to our heart's content. Yes, we should focus all of our attacking rage on Nebraska. Attack Nebraska!
Finally, I've been informed that the American economy recently fell to its weakest level in nearly ten years. Now, as a fledgling politician, I find the shape of the economy deplorable. I'm appalled that the economy let itself go to such a pathetic degree. Look at those flabby economic arms and that sagging GDP beer belly. Disgusting.
I pledge to you, the American voter, that I will work to whip the economy back into shape, primarily through a rigorous exercise regimen and the Atkins diet. Yes, all those currently unemployed muscles will strain under the Ryan Rhodes economic exercise program but, rest assured, we'll have a nice, strong economy that we're not afraid to show off to other countries. Our economy will proudly answer the door without wearing a shirt, showing those softies in France and Germany its rock-hard economic abs. Yes, our economy will go from a beer belly to a six pack. Beer belly to six pack!
So, get out there, America, and vote me in to some elected position somewhere!
You'll Hate Me, But. . . Las Ketchup
You'll hear them once, and you'll say, "what the hell is this crap?"
You'll hear them twice, and you'll say, "they're playing this crap again?"
You'll hear them three times, and you'll say, "why are they still playing this?," but you'll notice that your feet are tapping, and you're coming up with your own version of the Macarena.
Come the fourth time, "The Ketchup Song," as it is known, sung by Las Ketchup (three girls, two okay, one cute) will have you wondering why you, a sane person, find this mindless diddy so damn entertaining).
If you know why, please comment. I can't write any more because I'm trying to come up with my own dance.
Election Eve and Two Almost-accidents
So, I'm driving around the Minneapolis/St. Paul area this weekend, and practically every street corner was adorned with a truly horrifying number of campaign placards, a dizzying array of colors and names that pretty much amount to pollution stuck in the ground. Even prostitutes must travel past those corners and think they look trashy.
PROSTITUTE: Oh, my, God! I can't believe they allow trash like that to just sit on a corner all day long, trying to entice voters. I wonder how many tricks I'm going to turn tonight.
I don't know about you, but I'm not swayed in the least by those elections signs. When confronted with 28 election boards on a single corner, my eyes don't have time enough to digest the conflicting colors, let alone concentrate on a single name. To counteract this effect, people should be more creative in their placement of election placards. Hey, isn't election day pretty close to Christmas (according to most retailers it is)? So, why not put a stuffed Santa in a sleigh, and then string out the placards as if they're reindeer?
"On Daschle, on Dutcher, on Coleman, on Gutknecht, on Mondale, on Penny, on Canfield, on Ozment!"
Of course, I still wouldn't be swayed, but I'd give points for creativity. Only one more campaign day to endure. Can I make it?
Also during my weekend of traversing the metro area, I was treated to two almost-accidents, incidents that involved screeching tires and wide-eyed anticipation of onlookers eager to witness the crunching of metal and a little mayhem. Alas, both times, the drivers were able to avert disaster, denying us expectant bystanders the carnage we so richly deserved to witness.
I have yet to see a full-fledged accident unfold before me and, quite frankly, I'm getting tired of waiting. Oh, sure, I always see the aftermath, with emergency vehicles on-scene and personnel working to free the drivers and any passengers. But, I've never seen two vehicles smash into each other, never seen the crumpling metal and shattering glass, and I just think that would be cool. It would give me a neat story to relate. Instead, I'm treated to "almost-accidents," and no one really wants to hear about those.
