November 05, 2002

Running a Late Campaign I

Running a Late Campaign

I recently decided that I need to take a more active role in politics, because I think "Senator Rhodes" sounds just totally super-cool. Therefore, I am hereby announcing my own write-in campaign to run for everything.

That's right, I'm running for everything, whether it be a coveted Washington senate seat, a school board post, or a high school hall monitor, I'm calling on you, the American citizen, to vote Rhodes for something. Anything. Whatever it is, I assure you, I'm the best person for the job.

I realize I'm running my campaign a little late in the election season, but I'm here to tell you I will campaign vigorously starting, and ending, today. Sure, it's election day, and my chances at winning anything are decidedly slim, but I'm nothing if not optimistic. So, get out there people, and remember to vote for Ryan Rhodes, you know, for whatever.

Now, I know what you're thinking; you're thinking "Sure, Ryan Rhodes is a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness, but what does he know about politics and today's hot issues?"

I'll admit it, I don't know much about politics outside of the television series The West Wing, and hot issues for me usually revolve primarily around the "brunettes verus blondes versus redheads" debate. But, because I want to be a dedicated public servant, someone you'd trust to be in whatever post it is you're voting for, I'll work tirelessly to familiarize myself with today's hot political topics, whatever they are, provided I can still play computer games once in awhile.

For example, it has recently come to my attention that social security is a matter of great concern for many Americans. I guess it has something to do with money for retired people or something. Well, because I like money, and I'd also like to retire some day, social security is important to me too, I guess.

Many people advocate putting social security away in a lock box. I believe this is a terribly bad idea, mainly due to the cruelty inherent in locking poor social security away like a common criminal, denying it basic rights. Who are we to lock up social security, shackling it behind bars, preventing it from seeing his wife and little social securitots? Nay, I say, nay! Let social security be free. Free social security!

Still other people are proponents of the privatization of social security. This, too, is a bad idea. We can't allow something as important as social security to have too much privacy. Seriously, what is social security up to that he wants to keep himself so private? Just a short while ago, social security was in danger of being put in a lock box, so he obviously can't be trusted too much. Does social security have ties to al Queda? In this new world of global terrorism, we can't have social security scheming away in private. No. Keep social security public. Public social security!

Another hot political topic is an apparently imminent attack on Iraq. Now, I just did some thorough Internet research on Iraq, and I discovered some pretty shocking details. For example, I learned that there are people living in Iraq. No, I'm not making this up. Honestly, there are people living in Iraq. Here we are planning an attack on Iraq, apparently oblivious to the presence of nearly 21 million people.

Instead of attacking Iraq and disrupting the lives of so many people, I think we should attack Nebraska. After all, it sounds a lot like Iraq and there's hardly anybody there, so we can attack to our heart's content. Yes, we should focus all of our attacking rage on Nebraska. Attack Nebraska!

Finally, I've been informed that the American economy recently fell to its weakest level in nearly ten years. Now, as a fledgling politician, I find the shape of the economy deplorable. I'm appalled that the economy let itself go to such a pathetic degree. Look at those flabby economic arms and that sagging GDP beer belly. Disgusting.

I pledge to you, the American voter, that I will work to whip the economy back into shape, primarily through a rigorous exercise regimen and the Atkins diet. Yes, all those currently unemployed muscles will strain under the Ryan Rhodes economic exercise program but, rest assured, we'll have a nice, strong economy that we're not afraid to show off to other countries. Our economy will proudly answer the door without wearing a shirt, showing those softies in France and Germany its rock-hard economic abs. Yes, our economy will go from a beer belly to a six pack. Beer belly to six pack!

So, get out there, America, and vote me in to some elected position somewhere!

Posted by Ryan at November 5, 2002 12:57 AM
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