Know When to Zip Up
So, I decide that, before this weekend starts, I'm going to ask Melanie for her phone number. I pop into her office at 4:50, ask what her weekend plans are, make little jokes, and finally ask for her number, which she gives me. Woo Hoo!! I drive home, I'm feeling good, and I have the whole weekend in front of me.
That's when I realize my zipper has been down for the past hour, maybe more.
Good God, I hope she didn't see that.
Enjoy your weekend all. I require a tall, cold, frosty beer.
A little nude Lanny Barbie should improve my mood. Ahhh, Lanny Barbie. Lanny Barbie is hot. Naked Lanny Barbie.
Necessity is the Mother of Getting One's Ass in Gear
I've allowed my Cadillac to sit without air conditioning for the past month. It needs to be recharged, but I'm fine with driving with the window open, so why bother?
Well, it turns out I've been nominated to drive our editorial team to Minneapolis on Tuesday, so that means I have to scramble and get my car into the shop so my passengers (a.k.a. superiors) don't swelter and die of heat exhaustion. Oh, woe.
I knicked the back of my head as I conducted my usual cranium shaving routine today (it happens about once every two months), so I had to nurse the unseen yet profusely bleeding slit for about half-an-hour before the crimson flow subsided. Such are the hazards of maintaining a gleamingly shaven head.
New items purchased yesterday during a spendy shopping spree: Polo Jeans Khaki Cargo pants. Gap Khaki Cargo pants. New wallet, very cool. Claiborne dress shirt. Three new pairs of boxers, a Bud Light pair, a hot pepper pair, and a pair I can't recall, but they, too, were cool. Two new belts to keep up two new pairs of pants. Two towels. Roberto Amagi dress shirt. Calvin Klein dress shirt. Large expensive bottle of cologne (Ralph Lauren Romance). Ah, it's awesome to be decked out in new duds.
Ladies, you can commence with your drooling.
Lavakan Madness
Okay, over the past two days, three people have visited my site seeking information about the Lavakan pet washing system. How can that many people be seeking a side loading pet washer? Given the amount of free advertising I've apparently provided to the people over there at Lavakan, I feel it is only fair that I get a percentage of their sales. If you need to know more about the Lavakan, it's somewhere in my archives. Damned if I know where.
Who's Reading This Site? Meet Mandy
Ryan says: You're a paradigm of excellence in an uncertain world. But, you have toilet paper on your shoe, so it all equals out.
Mandy says: no toilet paper on thge shoe, but i did tuck my skirt in my undies once. oh, the horror!
Ryan says: Have you ever noticed that when "underwear" becomes the two syllable "undies" it becomes 10 times as funny?
Mandy says: well, i actually didn't want to say what kind of unerwear so "undies" is all-encompassing
Ryan says: Unerwear? Is that German?
Mandy says: you like funny words, huh? wallow & undies
Ryan says: I also like to wallow in my own undies when possible.
Mandy says: actually, it is from the Typo region of Scandinavia
Ryan says: LOL
Mandy says: Congratulations on still having a job.
Ryan says: Hey, thanks. You too.
Mandy says: i have gotten super stressed over company buyout & all that fun stuff before & it sucks
Mandy says: well, thanks
Ryan says: And what do you do pray tell?
Mandy says: be careful and try not to get too jealous or over excited
Ryan says: Is that part of your job description?
Mandy says: i run a construction office during the building of luxury apartments
Mandy says: my company builds, leases, & manages property
Mandy says: i am also still a student, majoring incorporate communications
Ryan says: Wow! So you're sort of important and stuff.
Mandy says: my job description is to play yahtzee, read blogs, talk on messenger, etc.
May You Live in Interesting Times
For the past couple of months, I've been acutely aware that some sort of shake up was imminent at the IBM magazine for which I write. Talk of budgets and outsourcing, and a whole bunch of other terms that bore me to the point of taking a hammer to my head, have been tossed around like a nerd during lunch break. I've known something was going to happen, but I didn't know what.
Well, it looks like I'll be retaining my job, which is great because I enjoy the work and the pay makes me happy, and I'll still be able to work in the same building. The only change, as far as I can see, is that my employment status will change from being a vendor for IBM to being a full employee for a company in Minneapolis. I'm not sure when this transition is to take place, but I'll be able to rest a little easier knowing that I still have a job.
However. . .this whole experience has given me yet another reason to dislike the way IBM operates. I don't quite understand how they can function with such an obviously defunct system of operation. Prior to this job, I worked in another area of IBM. I was then laid off, only to be hired one month later at this IBM job, for three dollars more an hour than I was making previously. Does this make any sense to anyone? Not that I'm upset to be making more, but you'd think, if they valued their employees at all, they'd look for other positions where workers could make a nice fit rather than dropping them and then going through all the work of hiring them back elsewhere. That costs money, and that takes time.
And yet, through it all, IBM preaches the importance of employee loyalty. Hmmmmmm. Well, IBM, from this loyal employee, let me just extend my middle finger in gratitude for your fine human resource expertise. I figure I need about two more years of experience before I can start picking and choosing my own employment, preferably as far away from Big Blue as I can get.
A Little Odd News
Finally, news of the odd produced something that can be considered comedy gold. First off. . .
Will 'Tooth Phone' Take Bite Out of Mobiles?
LONDON (Reuters) - British engineers say they have invented a revolutionary tooth implant that works like a mobile phone and would not be out of place in a James Bond spy movie.
The 'tooth phone', designed by James Auger and Jimmy Loizeau, consists of a tiny vibrator and a radio wave receiver implanted into a tooth during routine dental surgery.
As if cell phones aren't rude enough, now they're working on a way so normal face-to-face conversations can be interrupted by a ringing tooth. Of all the places I've ever wanted to jam a cell phone when someone starts talking on one in a restaurant, the tooth was the last place on my list. Now, an ass cell phone would be acceptable, because people trying to talk into their asses would look just about as ridiculous as walking down the street with a matchbook to the ear, or the "hands free" systems that make it look as if they're having conversations with thin air. Anyway. . .
Sound, which comes into the tooth as a digital radio signal, is transferred to the inner ear by bone resonance, meaning information can be received anywhere and at any time -- and nobody else can listen in.
The invention raises the prospects of financial traders receiving the latest stock market bulletins while at the cinema and politicians tuning in to secret briefings from advisers while being quizzed by opponents.
Now, I'm obviously not a phone fan. I view them as a necessity only for making appointments. I don't like walking around yapping with someone on a phone for hours. I like actual conversation with a human being directly in front of me, or, if the person happens to be a chatty attractive woman, directly on top of me. The thought of being medically altered to forever have a phone in my tooth is totally disturbing to me. No thanks. Elsewhere in the news. . .
Truancy Sweeps Reveal Scores of Bad Excuses
LONDON (Reuters) - Truancy sweeps around Britain last month revealed thousands of children missed school -- and turned up some ridiculous excuses, the Education Ministry said on Tuesday.
Amongst the excuses given for missing school were: "because of a spot on my nose," "not liking Mondays," "because it's my birthday" and "my hamster died and I need to buy a new one."
I wish I could avoid work because "I don't like Mondays." That would be so sweet. Beyond that, I really don't have much commentary since it pretty much mocks itself.
UGH
Yet another reason to stay as far away from drugs as you possibly can.
From The Institute of Really Obvious Things Comes. . .
If you can believe it, the following headline appeared at MSNBC.com, an otherwise good source for quality news:
Super-size meals mean super-size fat
Common fast-food practice leads to overeating, study says
Okay, everyone together now: Nooooo shit!
This groundbreaking study was reportedly conducted by the National Alliance for Nutrition and Activity. Among the findings unearthed by NANA?
The practice of fast food chains pushing full meals or upgrading the size of side dishes like french fries and soft drinks encourages overeating and obesity, the study said.
So, to recap: eating too much food will result in being overweight. I have to know what egghead within NANA conducted this study. I could have come up with a moronic study like that and earned thousands of research dollars to discover something totally obvious. Perhaps a study to find out if people who can't swim are more likely to drown than people who can. Or maybe a study to determine once and for all whether not eating or drinking anything eventually results in death.
At 7-Eleven, it costs only 37 cents more to purchase a Double Gulp instead of a Gulp, but that adds more than 400 calories, according to Tuesday's report by the National Alliance for Nutrition and Activity.
amazing. You'd think a drink called a Gulp would somehow be chock full of health benefits. Obviously, a Double Gulp should be double healthy. Thankfully, the article also points out that EXERCISE COMBATS EXTRA FOOD. Excuse me while I put my fist through the computer screen.
Researchers on the study recommend buying smaller meals or sharing with friends.
My head. . .it hurts. . .trying to cram it with too many blindingly obvious facts.
Rochester Dog Poop and Horns
I saw a curious thing today as I went for my run. Actually, I saw two curious things. The first thing I saw was, about one mile into my run, a carfull of youths with an air horn that blared me down despite my headphones. They stopped, went in reverse, stopped again, and asked me why I stopped. I told them because they blared an air horn.
"You mean this?" they asked, and I quickly snatched the horn from the passenger's hand (he was stupid enough to wave it outside the vehicle), much to his absolute surprise. I've gotten remarkably good at this snatching thing lately. Okay, I was shocked I nabbed it too. I then broke off the horn part of the canister by stomping on it, and it started letting out the air with a loud *shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!* They peeled out so fast, I thought I would see flames. Am I that intimidating?
After that, I was feeling pretty cocky, so I was in a pretty much dead sprint. Regardless, as I ran, I saw a couple with a dog. This dog was squatting in a very, um, pooping position. Even though they were far away, I saw a guy pick it up with a plastic glove. I ran past them. I looked back. I saw the guy with the plastic glove drop the dog turd in a different lawn. I started jogging back to ask them about it. The guy with a plastic glove picked it up again and started carrying it once he saw me coming back. How pathetic are we human beings?
Otherwise, it was a good run.
How I Spent My Israeli Vacation
I honestly can't fathom how the Israeli population can face each new day with the ever-present specter of being atomized by a peeved Palestinian detonating a belt of TNT. How can you go about your daily routine knowing that the person next to you buying a Snickers and a bottle of Gatorade may be a suicide bomber enjoying his or her last meal? Therefore, I find it amazing that people continue to tour the Holy land despite the threat. Which brings me to today's odd news snippet.
Apparently, Israeli tourism has been sluggish since people started exploding in crowded marketplaces, dropping their yearly tourist revenue from $4 billion to $2 billion. It seems some wimpy people out there actually fear for their lives or something. How odd. Anyway, according to a Reuters report coming out of Jerusalem, Israel is trying to woo tourists back to the holiest of holy lands using, and I swear this is not made up, stickers, flowers and certificates.
A Tourism Ministry spokeswoman said Monday it had launched a "thank you" campaign in which tourists receive a sticker reading "Israel loves you" and a red rose when they arrive and a certificate of appreciation when they depart.
Honestly, why didn't they consult me for some truly brilliant tourism marketing ideas. How about tee-shirts that say, "I was nearly torn asunder by flying shrapnel from a suicide bomber during my trip to Israel, and all I got was this lousy tee-shirt." Granted, that may not fit on a single tee-shirt, so maybe they could give away nice coffee mugs that say "Tanks For Coming."
But seriously, a sticker that says "Israel Loves You" simply wouldn't tilt my scales in favor of an Israeli vacation. "Hmmmmm, I could go to Hawaii, but I hear Israel has nice stickers and flowers this time of year."
"We wanted to thank every tourist who comes here to support us, as not everyone comes these days," the spokeswoman said.
No shit. Still, I love the line "as not everyone comes these days," because it sounds like a grandmother in a nursing home wondering why the kids don't visit any more. "My daughter has kind of avoided the home since the orderlies started firing random rounds down the halls. Ingrates!"
Basement Living and Difficult Dreams
Despite an overall fun weekend, it was one of those weekends that left me feeling as if everyone around me is living life whilst I continue to spin my wheels. My friends are marrying, which I could care less about because marriage, for me, shouldn't happen until I'm 34. At 27, there's just too much I want to do, and I think I can do it all more effectively single. Rather, I'm watching my friends buy houses. Nice houses. And I continue to pay rent. I don't mind paying rent, and I totally love my current abode in the basement of a really nice house. Clean living. Nice roommates. But, I can't shake the feeling that it would be nice to drive into my own garage, and saunter into my own house, and go into debt for 50 years.
I'm now in my fourth year out of college, laboring in the real world, and every job that piques my curiosity requires a minimum of five years experience. I rent now because I really believe I won't be sticking around once I can start picking and choosing my employment. I'd like to move to Pennsylvania or, ideally, return overseas in some writing capacity. I don't want a house to hold me down, and my current worldly belongings can pretty much be transported in one truck and one car. I keep things simple to aid my nomadic lifestyle.
Had some demented dreams last night, with one consisting of a Scream-like chase in which I was pursued by a knife-weilding assailant. I woke up from that one with a brow covered in sweat and bladder full of whizz. My next dream was, um, even more bizarre. I was with the cast of Friends, and I was acting out a scene in which I was supposed to tell Rachel that I loved her (and I don't even watch Friends). So, we're standing there, Rachel and I, under a starry night sky and I was pointing out certain constellations. Finally, the big kiss scene. I angle in to tongue lash Mrs. Aniston, when suddenly she morphs into one of my roommates, and we kissed very passionately for quite some time. And then I woke up with a sweaty brow and a full bladder.
Again with the serious blogging. I promise, promise, promise to write something of a more humorous nature later.
