That's My Secret
One of the drawbacks about going to my hometown, even for a short stint, is that I have to remember to pack the bare essentials, such as deodorant, contact solution, and other such things. Well, I awoke today, scuffled around in my duffel bag, realized I did not pack my deodorant, and was forced to use my mother's Secret. It's a real blow to the male ego to run a stick of Secret under the pits, particularly when it's your mother's Secret. Sure, it may be strong enough for a man, and made for a woman, but it smells like extra perfumed ass. Men have a wide assortment of fragrances to choose from to cleanse the armpit. I'm partial to Right Guard XTreme Sport Clear Stick: Cool Peak fragrance. I also like the Fresh Blast smell, although I've been known to cheat and use Speed Stick: Aqua Sport, just to mix things up a little. See? Men's deodorant makes it seem as if slathering your pits is akin to climbing Everest or bungee jumping. Who would have thought that covering up body odor could be so cool?
"Oh, wow! This stuff is XTreme! It simply has to be good! I'd better buy a case of this stuff."
But, alas, women do not have the luxury of a tough sounding deodorant. Rather than a visually loud stick of pit paint, with a super cool sounding name like Mega Super Power Blast Estrogen Stick: Thong fragrance, women have to settle for hush hush options like Secret, Soft and Dri, Arrid, Lady Mitchum and Clear Gel Powder Fresh. Where's the excitement in these products? Where's the outrage?! Where's the equality?! Come on ladies, get out there and demand a more entertaining line of female pit sticks!
If for no other reason, do it so I never have to use my mother's Secret ever again.
Picking Up the Parents: Just Not In "That Way"
Well, it's that time of year again. The leaves are on the trees, flowers are in bloom, and my parents are returning from their teaching jobs in Tokyo to while away the summer months in my hometown of Harmony, Minn. And, since I live in Rochester, I get to pick them up at the airport and cart them to their final destination. It's always nice to see my parents after such an extended absence, but they're going to talk about jet lag, and they're going to talk about the flight, and they're going to give me a detailed report of everything leading up to the flight. It's mind-screechingly boring stuff to sit through, and I'm usually the one who starts it all off:
ME: Hey Mom, hey Dad. It's great to see you. How was your flight? *D'oh!*
DAD: Oh, it was longgggg. I was up at 3 a.m. today getting ready. Getting to the airport was a bear because of the traffic. Ohhhhh, gripe, gripe, gripe.
MOM: But we got upgraded to business class, so that was nice, but there were these loud people behind us, so that wasn't so nice.
However, we go to a Chinese restaurant each year, so that translates into a free meal for me. Plus, I get to leave work early. Plus, it's gorgeous outside. Plus, I'm just an impossibly good looking young man.
Now, In Salons: The Bin Laden 'Do'
Travel with me, if you will, to the wonderful world of odd news. From Hong Kong we have:
Woman Loses Case Over 'Bin Laden' Hairstyle
A Hong Kong woman lost her case for compensation against a hair salon which she claimed made her look like Osama bin Laden when she wanted a hairstyle like Hollywood actress Julia Roberts.
I'm curious if this is a common phenomenon in Hong Kong salons: you ask to look like Julia Roberts and you come out wearing a turban and wielding an AK-47. "Oh, those idiots! I distinctly said Julia Roberts, but this is obviously the Bin Laden look."
After the judgement was handed down, she refused to leave the Small Claims Tribunal and had to be taken away by ambulance following a standoff of more than an hour with court staff, the South China Morning Post reported on Thursday.
Must have been a terribly slow news day for the South China Morning Post.
EDITOR: Hey, Hung Wan, there's a report coming in about another Bin Laden hairstyle. Go cover it, and do a good job this time or I'll turn you over to the local Law Enforcement Severe Beating Brigade (LASBB).
Hung Wan: I'm on it, Chief.
Chu Ieu complained her hair was seriously damaged by two perms she had done at the New Idol Hair Salon last July and August.
"Do you mean you did not get the Julia Roberts look after the perm?" adjudicator Yuen Chun-kau asked her during the Wednesday hearing.
Now that's good cross-examination.
"Not just that. It was like a broom. Every hair struck out and it looked like an open umbrella which could not be shut. It was horrible. I looked like Osama bin Laden," Chu replied.
Ah, yes. Most FBI and CIA pictures and description of Bin Laden plainly state that he has hair that resembles "an open umbrella which can not be shut." Sheesh.
Yuen dismissed her claim for HK$50,000 (US$6,410) in compensation as she had offered no evidence to prove her hair had been damaged. "You've only shown the court that the hairstyle did not look good," he said.
It's at this point that I have to ask: What are they smoking over there in Hong Kong, and where can I get some?
But Chu said that Yuen was not sympathetic to her claim.
"He's bald. Of course he would not know the pain of having damaged hair," Chu fretted, sitting on the floor of the courtroom in protest against the judgement.
Now, I shave my head, so this last sentence stings. Okay, no it doesn't. However, I love the phrase "Chu fretted." I don't know why; I think it's because it sounds like some new brand of potato chip. "Try new "Chew Frets" today!!"
I need a nap.
To Bagel or not to Bagel
Tall Girl: I ate all day yesterday
Tall Girl: I had some pretzles this morning
Tall Girl: went to Dos for lunch
Tall Girl: and my officmate was eating this yummie looking bagle thing, and there's a lot left.
Tall Girl: I want it
Tall Girl: I am not even hungry
Tall Girl: I just want to taste it
Tall Girl: are you even there?
Tall Girl: tell me not to eat it
Ryan: Don't eat it. Dumbass.
Ryan: I ate French silk pie during lunch today. To die for.
Tall Girl: ooohhhhh
Tall Girl: lord
Tall Girl: I might just eat it
Tall Girl: no
Tall Girl: no no
Tall Girl: bad girl
Tall Girl: is that all you had for lunch?
Tall Girl: French Silk Pie
Tall Girl: I love that pie
Ryan: I also had chicken casserole, green beans and a roll.
Tall Girl: oh my
Tall Girl: did you go to Baker's Square?
Tall Girl: gggeeez
Tall Girl: I feel like pigging out
Ryan: But I run and do hapkido, so I can get away with sneaking goodies like that. Just think, if you started running with me, you'd be eating that bagel right now.
Tall Girl: if I do run with you, can I have the bagel?
Tall Girl: damnit
Tall Girl: I thought my stress would eat it away
Ryan: Yes, but you'd HAVE to run with me the whole three miles; no chickening out.
Tall Girl: *L*
Tall Girl: what? you mean I can't just run a block?
Ryan: Nope.
Tall Girl: I don't think I can make it
Tall Girl: I guess I won't be getting the bagel afterall
Ryan: Well, no bagel for you.
Tall Girl: ;(
*ten minutes pass*
Tall Girl: I ate the bagel
A True Blogger Flows With the Text, Yes?
Forgive the Yoda speak. It's Wednesday, my column writing day, and here I sit yet again without ideas. Actually, my column ideas tend to wane the longer I wait for newspapers to send me a check. It's been about two and a half months since I received my last check so, even though it will be a whopping cash influx when it does arrive, I just don't feel the incentive to be wildly creative. Show me the money! Ah, greed, where would I be without you?
For some reason, the term "identity theft" is very amusing to me. I know, I know, it's actually a very serious problem in today's Internet world, but the concept is entertaining. Imagine waking up, and you have no idea who you are, like amnesia. Your window is broken, there are footsteps leading to your bed, and your head hurts. There can be no doubt about it: you're a victim of identity theft.
Motorcycle Common Sense
Mark G. says:
I had to order a new back tire for my bike last night :(
Mark G. says:
ran over something and put a huge slice in it
Mark G. says:
thank god it didnt blow out on me
Ryan says:
You know what would put your mind at ease about that? Let's say you were using a vehicle that had, oh I don't know, four tires. So, when one blows, you have three more to count on. I know, only in a perfect world would such a vehicle exist, but that would solve that problem.
Mark G. says:
LOL
Mark G. says:
nice reply
Mark G. says:
can alway count on you
Come to This Blog to Find. . .
Well, it's time once again to visit my site meter to find out what people are seeking when they visit my site. All of these searches were done via Google:
- "Detonation devices"+suicide: Well folks, this can't be good. I'm a little concerned about this hit. Quick, contact the CIA and FBI! Oh, wait, never mind. They wouldn't do anything about it anyway.
- Green+Beret+Hapkido: Must be a little known branch of the military I haven't yet heard of.
- Shower+Pecker+Blog: Well, this one is anyone's guess. Any blogs out there about showering peckers? Tell us. We must know!
- Ryan+Rhodes: Now, there's a good old common sense search. When people want to find me, they look up my name. It's nice to see that people are searching for me.
- Fruit+Cake+Recipes: No clue on this one. I've never even eaten a fruit cake, let alone seen a recipe for one.
- IBM+Layoff: Another topic near and dear to my heart. Three people came by looking for this one.
- Fake+Pictures+of+Lance+Bass+Naked: This just offends me, mainly because Lance Bass is stealing my rightful seat on the space shuttle to the International Space Station. I should totally be going instead of him. Totally.
- Britney+Spears+Shower+Nozzles: Am I to assume there are such shower nozzles on the market today? Two solid streams of water spew forth from Britney's nipples, massaging your shoulders while a recorded voice sings "Wash me Baby One More Time." Actually, that sounds pretty cool.
Writing My Wrongs
Well, last night, as I battled a strange bout of roving depressive thoughts, I got back in front of my computer and started work, once again, on a book about my college years. I've tried off and on to get this off the ground for the past four years, but I think I may have found a narrative voice that suits me. It's a factual/fictional account of my college life, drawing on things I experienced, saw others experience, and some is just pure made up silliness. I decided to approach it in journal format, much like this blog, starting on Sept. 7, 1993, my first night in the dorm. I managed to pound out 10 pages last night, and it has a lot of the same tone that comes through in my weekly column, which is exactly what I've been striving for, so this could be a very good thing. It's not award-winning material, but it makes me feel good. I'll post excerpts on this blog once in awhile to gauge reader interest.
I've been feeling really crappy the last few days, and I'm not sure why. Well, I have a good idea why, but it's not something I feel like expounding on here.
On a totally unrelated note, I finally found out where the disturbing odor was originating in my room. About two weeks ago, I thawed out my mini-refridgerator, and I thought I caught all the water on the towel I laid down underneath. Well, apparently quite a bit of water soaked into the carpet, where it sat in damp pleasure under the refridgerator. Now, the previous room occupant owned a dog, so my room started to emanate with a wet dog/mildew repugnance that made me question my own hygiene. Last night, I discovered the smelly little source, so I moved my fridge and coated the area with Carpet Fresh, so my room smelled like Carpet Fresh and wet dog/mildew. Hopefully, the carpet will dry now that I've moved the fridge and things will return to normal. I can't stand stinky carpet. Nasty stuff, that.
Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker.
