December 28, 2005

Looking Ahead Backward On 2006

JANUARY: The housing bubble, having been forecast to burst since the Eisenhower administration, finally popped, spewing 2x4s and shingles across a 40 state radius. Said one witness: "Man, that was loud!"

President Bush, giving his State of the Union address late in the month, said the U.S. is "Hunky Dory," and then went on to explain his vision for 2006. Critics of the President were quick to call the term "Hunky Dory" possible grounds for impeachment.

FEBRUARY: The war between Evolution and Intelligent Design heated up, as Evolution secretly marched its forces behind Intelligent Design's left flank, and inflicted heavy casualties. Said Evolution's commander, Gen. C. Darwin about the stunning victory: "Well, it was just God's will."

America, realizing Britney Spears may, in fact, have no particular talent or intelligence, decided not to care when Spears announced her impending divorce from husband Kevin Federline. Said one witness to the collective national shrug of indifference: "Man, that was loud!"

MARCH: For most of the month, the media was once again awash with continual reports of an attractive woman who had gone missing. In the end, it was discovered that the missing woman didn't, in fact, exist, and most of the media admitted they should have known something was up when the woman's name was released as "Layne Johnson."

Lost in the reports of the missing fictional Layne Johnson, al-Queda's operative in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, was captured and subsequently gave up the names and locations of 467 other al-Queda operatives, including al-Queda leader Osama bin Laden. Additionally, al-Zarqawi revealed the location of Atlantis and the Fountain of Youth. Read one New York Times headline: "Zarqawi: 'I don't know where Layne Johnson is, no.'"

APRIL: The Bush White House, still reeling from the "Hunky Dory" impeachment push, tried to regain its footing with its controversial "Work to Welfare" initiative. Said White House press secretary Scott McClellan: "I know it sounds bad, but it's not what you think. I. . . I. . . oh, man, I quit."

The Democrats experienced their own woes in April, with DNC chairman Howard Dean--apparently having not kept up with the news--exclaiming that "the search for Layne Johnson should be this nation's highest priority. If we don't find Layne Johnson within the next few weeks, this President should be impeached."

MAY: An earthquake measuring 7.8 on the richter scale rocked the San Francisco area, causing widespread damage, although with very few reported casualties. The federal response, despite personell arriving on-scene two weeks before the earthquake hit, was deemed "insufficient" and "bungled."

Following months of deliberation and Democratic delays, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito was still not confirmed. President Bush, in a press briefing discussing the matter said: "You know, why do we really need nine justices anyway? What was that TV show again? Eight is Enough? Yeah, that's it, eight is enough."

JUNE: Despite the damaging surprise attack on its left flank in February, Intelligent Design fought back against Evolution in a stunning offensive that allowed it to regain much of the ground it lost. Said Intelligent Design field commander, Gen. G.O. Divine: "We really didn't have a plan of attack, but we knew we had to go on the offensive. I guess you could say our attack evolved as it unfolded, with better advanced tactics taking precendent over less effective, out-dated tactics."

Steroids were officially recognized as vitamin supplements by Major League Baseball and the National Football League. No discernible effect was noticed because, as one professional athlete pointed out: "I mean, come ON. As if it wasn't totally obvious we were all doing steroids anyway. HELLOOOO? We're over 350 pounds with almost no body fat! Could we be more obvious?"

JULY: Feverishly on the run ever since Abu Musab al-Zarqawi revealed his location in March, Osama bin-Laden took a time out from his fleeing to issue a videotape. In the tape, bin-Laden said: "Please stop chasing me. I am very tired. My shoes are worn down to their threads. Please send a pair of infidel Nikes."

The much-feared Bird Flu epidemic hit a heightened level of concern when some person in some country most people never heard of may or my not have died from the disease. Media investigations, though intense, couldn't even find the name of the person, although there was some speculation early on that the person was named "Layne Johnson."

AUGUST: Smashing back against Intelligent Design, Evolution waged a bloody campaign starting early in the month. Although casualties on both sides were high, Evolution eventually claimed victory. Said Evolution's commander, Gen. C. Darwin: "I don't know how to explain it, but I just felt compelled to act, almost as if this battle was meant to unfold the way it did, as if everything up to this point happened for a reason."

DNC chairman, Howard Dean, emerged briefly in the media shouting an unexpected rant about a Bush impeachment and his continued intent to locate Layne Johnson. Said one shocked witness to the Dean outburst: "Man, that was loud!"

SEPTEMBER: Hurricane Macarena, a category one storm, danced its way annoyingly along the Gulf Coast causing very little damage but widespread irritation. The federal response to Macarena was deemed horrendous and didn't include nearly enough ear-plugs.

Overseas, widespread continued rioting in France continued unabated since it flared up in 2005. With as many as 9,000 cars being burned up each evening, most media organizations ignored the activity. Explained one CNN representative for the lack of coverage: "Well, I mean, not to be harsh or anything, but it's FRANCE. Seriously, who cares?"

OCTOBER: Huge controversy erupted when a school teacher overheard several middle school students discussing plans for constructing and detonating nuclear devices at key locations around the globe. Critics quickly demonized video games as the source of the students' radioactive ambitions, particularly the smash hit video game: "Hey, Kids, Let's Nuke the World!"

Another bin-Laden videotape surfaced, this time with the al-Queda leader looking particularly haggard. Said bin-Laden: "This is getting ridiculous! Not only have I not received the infidel Nikes like I asked, not an hour goes buy when a bomb doesn't land nearby!" Seconds later, a bomb landed nearby, to which bin-Laden responded: "Man, that was loud!"

NOVEMBER: Midterm elections went off without a hitch and, while pretty much everything stayed the same, both the Democrats and Republicans claimed sweeping victories. Failed Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry took the midterm elections as an opportunity to talk about himself and why he lost the 2004 election, saying "he was winning the election, before he lost it."

Another Bird Flu scare rocked the media when it was reported that Russell Crow had contracted Bird Flu. The story was eventually retracted, however, when it was revealed that the anger-prone actor, rather than contracting Bird Flu, simply flew the bird.

DECEMBER: In an unexpected development, the war between Evolution and Intelligent Design found itself merging with the War on Christmas. Confused-looking people in shopping centers around the nation were overheard wishing people a "Merry Evolution" and a "Happy Intelligent Design."

Ryan Rhodes was named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year," in an article that mentioned, quite accurately, that he was "a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness." And he scored with any one of the following women: Namrata Singh Gujral. Cerina Vincent. Lauren Lee Smith. Tawny Cypress. Jayma Mays. Rose Byrne. Natalia Tena. Carice van Houten. Sonya Walger. Michelle Ryan. Alice Braga. Kristen Stewart. Katie Leung. Vera Jordanova. Mia Maestro. Ninel Conde.

Posted by Ryan at December 28, 2005 11:22 PM | TrackBack

Sounds like some of that Steven Covey, "begin with the end in mind" stuff... :)

Posted by: Douglas at December 30, 2005 02:56 PM
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