December 12, 2005

Clothes Shopping disasters

When it comes to buying clothes for others, I generally screw things up in prime fashion. There's the obvious drawback that I have the fashion sense of a grizzly bear but, even more basic, I have no clue what size clothes people wear who aren't me.

This is particularly daunting when I'm out looking for clothes for the opposite gender, which in my case would be women. Women's clothes sizes often perplex me. What is a size six, really? What does it mean to be petite? At what point does a woman become plus size?

All of this came to a head yesterday when I went to the mall with my girlfriend so she could try on jackets and hint at which ones I should consider buying her for Christmas.

After watching my girlfriend try on roughly 1,098 jackets, I decided that, rather than stand there practicing my best impatient stares, it might be better if I start suggesting jackets to her to better speed up the process of her trying on every jacket in the store.

She seemed hesitant, but realizing that it would mean less exasperated breathing from me, she agreed, pointing out that I needed to pick out jackets that are a little larger than her typical clothes size because of all the winter clothes she'd be wearing underneath. So noted.

After awhile, I ambled into a section with leather coats, which were expensive but pretty cool, as most expensive things are. On a lark, I hoisted one off the wall and noticed that it was size "1X." Not having the first clue what "1X" meant, I brought the jacket over to my girlfriend and asked if she wanted to try it on. The look she gave me could have melted most standard-issue steel core doors.

"There's no way that would fit me!" she admonished.

Now, I'm a guy. So, when I hear "there's no way that would fit me," I naturally think, "oh, it's too small." Which of course set the stage for round two of clothing shame.

I went back to where I picked out the jacket, and saw "2X." Naturally, I thought, "that sounds bigger than 1X, so maybe that will fit her." I took the jacket off the wall, and thought briefly that the jacket looked like it would be almost sort of big on me, but whatever.

"Hey, I found a 2X. Want to try it on?"

She blinked at me for a bit, with a look of dumbstruck wonder.

"What's the matter with you? That's obviously not going to fit me!"

Again, my mind translated "not going to fit me" into "that's too small." I was a little surprised, because the 2X I held, in addition to seeming more than big enough, was also really heavy. I was wondering whether my girlfriend was planning on wearing 24 layers of clothes every day this winter. Nevertheless, I went back to the jackets, intent on finding a 3X, which would simply HAVE to be big enough.

It took some hunting, because apparently 3X sizes are very rare, but I finally found one, and I triumphantly returned to my girlfriend, wielding the massive jacket for her to see.

I honestly couldn't see her expression upon reaching her because, quite frankly, the jacket basically blocked her out completely. When I lowered the jacket/tent, my girlfriend was looking at me as though I'd completely lost my mind.

"Don't even think about asking me to try that on!"

"But, I don't think they make anything bigger," I explained.

"Of course they don't! That thing's HUGE! It would never fit me! It would fall right off my shoulders! What are you doing looking for jackets for me in the plus size section anyway?"

"Plus. . . what? What section?" I looked over towards where I found the jacket, and little Christmas lights started blinking and flashing in my head. "Oh. OH! --long string of assorted apologies--"

And that, dear readers, is how you ensure complete silence from your significant other for well over an hour.

Posted by Ryan at December 12, 2005 08:31 PM | TrackBack

Appalachia's only 5'2" and she weighs about 120. To me, being 6'4" and 245-ish, her clothes don't even look real. They look like something you'd put on a doll. A leg of one of her jeans is shorter than the arm of one of my shirts. Mostly I don't notice how small she is, but when I do our laundry it really hits me. My shirts are all eigher L-X-Long or XXL, depending on what's available. Last time we were at a concert together I was looking at band t-shirts after the show and asked Appalachia if she could wear a medium because they were all out of smalls.

"Josh, a small is already too big for me. There's no way I could wear a medium."

So fuck'n weird.

Posted by: Joshua at December 13, 2005 08:53 AM

That's was meant to be "either" rather than "eigher".

Posted by: Joshua at December 13, 2005 08:53 AM
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