July 30, 2009

Coulda, shoulda, woulda

Ryan: With all our great ideas over the years, there's no excuse for our current employment misery.

Caroline: Uh, I can think of a great excuse. Money. Or lack thereof.

Ryan: We should have a huge TotalTard Magazine subscription, and Polio cologne should be flying off the shelf.

Caroline: Ahhh, Polio. Gives Vulva a run for its money.

Caroline: Sentences like that don't just write themselves.

Ryan: Polio spanks Vulva.

Posted by Ryan at 09:04 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 29, 2009

Baby News

The good news? Baby boy is healthy in the womb, with a strong heartbeat. The iffy news? Baby boy is not facing the right direction; his head is up under Mom's ribs, rather than facing the eventual, preferred exit. Not a hugely worrying problem, but something that has to be corrected before the due date.

Birth classes start next Tuesday. As Navin Johnson said in "The Jerk:" "Things are going to start happening to me now!"

Hopefully that doesn't mean a sniper with a gripe against cans is about to go postal on me.

Posted by Ryan at 08:17 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 27, 2009

Must have sprayed Spam-Be-Gone TM

Thankfully, the shitstorm of blog comment spam seems to be trailing off. It was getting pretty bad there for awhile. Being the dedicated spam deletion machine I am, however, none of the spam comments from the last 3+ weeks remain on this ThunderJournal. That's just how awesome I am.

And crazy.

Posted by Ryan at 11:33 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 21, 2009

Going Through the Car Wash

One thing you just grow to expect as your automobile ages is that things tend to break down, and those things don't, as a rule, take into consideration whether it's convenient for you. Tires can blow out when you're already running late; the horn can inexplicably become locked, blaring your impending arrival throughout town; and just generally things don't go "clunk" when you're conveniently in your driveway.

My '96 Cadillac Eldorado now has nearly 130,000 miles on it, and it's definitely showing its age. Rust now peaks out from both doors, paint is missing from the front bumper and the leather seats are cracked and beaten.

Also, the electric windows aren't all that reliable. While it's not a chronic problem, every once in awhile the driver's side window just won't respond to my clicking commands. It's mostly more of an annoyance than anything else.

Well, tonight, I had my oil changed and, as part of the oil change price, I received a free car wash. It's one of those car washes with the big rotating fabric drums that go back and forth, sloshing the vehicle until it's about 30 percent clean.

I took my free wash code, opened my window, entered the information into the touch screen kiosk outside of the wash, and was beckoned forward by the electronic system. Once inside, I parked my car as ordered and went to close my window.

Which. . .

By gosh, if that window didn't choose that exact moment to say "to heck with you and your demands." There I was, encapsulated within a glass house of impending car wash violence, unable to go forward or reverse, since the car wash doors close upon entering the facility and will not re-open until the wash cycle is complete.

It was, quite frankly, one of my most helpless experiences in recent memory. I thought briefly about panicking, but really, what good was that going to do me? The wash cycle commenced, and I was immediately sprayed down with quite possibly the coldest water imaginable outside of a mountain stream.

I refused to give up hope on the window. Again and again I pushed the button, and occasionally the window would respond by inching back up ever so slightly, but not nearly enough to save me from the violent buffeting of water-logged fabric containing the combined filth of hundreds, if not thousands, of previous vehicle washes. The inside of my vehicle was getting every bit as much water on the inside as the outside, and I was the unfortunate buffer stuck in the middle of it all.

Water squirted into my ear, and I scrambled to find something in the backseat that could block at least some of the car wash assault. I located a stocking cap under the passenger-side seat and held it up to my face in a pathetic attempt to keep soapy water from striking my eyes.

Frantically, I realized the final wax cycle was about to begin. I uttered a silent prayer to the bankrupt gods of General Motors and pushed the window button one last time. The window, apparently deciding it had enjoyed its little joke enough, mercifully closed just as the wax was about to spray directly into my nose.

I tried to take away some sort of lesson from the whole damp experience, but the only thing that came to mind was: "next time, close your window BEFORE you enter the car wash, moron."

Posted by Ryan at 05:19 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Blog Comment Spam Is Soooo 2006

And yet, lately, blog comment spammers have planting their spammy spamminess in comment boxes all around my blog, from the earliest posts, to the most recent. I can't for the life of me understand how they honestly think it achieves anything, but then again maybe they're just content with the knowledge that they're annoying as all hell. If that's their goal, they've succeeded wonderfully, even if the spam comments themselves are deleted almost as soon as I'm aware of them.

Posted by Ryan at 12:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 15, 2009

Soapy Writing.

Ryan: P-B opinion piece: "Write with zest and believe in yourself"

Caroline: That made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

Ryan: How does soap help you write?

Caroline: It'll make your copy zest-fully clean.

Ryan: You gotta read the article. I realize he's ESL, but the thing reads like it was pounded out by a self-righteous toddler.

Caroline: ESL Toddlers would be a great name for a rock band.

Ryan: Or a toy manufacturer.

Caroline: OK. I can't finish it. I just can't.

Ryan: Toys -R- Us Vs. ESL Toddlers. Read all about it in next month's "TotalTard Magazine."

Caroline: Seriously. "Web blogs." He obviously didn't do any research about the origin of the word "blog."

Ryan: He's not a "researcher." He's a WRITER.

Caroline: From the Nick Coleman school of writerhood.

Ryan: The sole graduate from that esteemed institute of lower learning.

Caroline: Must complete "I'm Nobody's Monkey 101"

Posted by Ryan at 12:18 PM | TrackBack

July 13, 2009


Caroline: You know what's a funny word? Onus.

Ryan: Because it's one vowel swap away from anus?

Caroline: YES! A vowel swap sounds risky. Like, you'll get a VD from performing one.

Ryan: It's a whole different world when "The anus is upon you."

Posted by Ryan at 11:25 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

July 09, 2009

Just an FYI

Please note, I do not necessarily relish the downfall of newspapers.

It's more accurate to say, I root for the rise of the blogosphere; newspapers just happen to be in the way.

Posted by Ryan at 11:41 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 07, 2009

Pretty much


I can't listen to music with lyrics while I'm writing for exactly this same reason.


Posted by Ryan at 03:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 06, 2009

Memory Mate

It's been awhile since I've jumped into the insanity of current news headlines to bring to you, my valued four readers, the news and information that tends to slip through the cracks of the more mainstream media outlets.

With the news today being dominated by frankly boring reports of an imploding worldwide economy and national unemployment nearing 10 percent, the mainstream media is lapsing in its responsibility to bring you the news that's important; the news that matters.

For example, I'm willing to bet, thanks to all the gloom and doom reporting you've been subjected to over the last week or so, you didn't hear about the California elementary school teacher who sent her students home for the summer, equipped with DVDs chock full of school year memories, plus six accidental seconds of her having sex on a couch.

According to a July 3 Reuters news report out of Elk Grove, Calif. Officials at the Elk Grove Unified School District asked families of the teacher's 24 students to get rid of the DVD after the unintended clip was found spliced in a scene where children were sharing stories in class.

I can just about imagine the surprise on the parents' faces, watching their precious little girl relate how her favorite moment of the year was learning her multiplication tables, when suddenly the scene shifted to the teacher getting her groove on aboard a nice sectional. There may have even been a few confused seconds during which the parents wondered whether that's how multiplication tables are taught nowadays. "No Child Left Behind," indeed!

The school district, located just south of Sacramento, initially sent a letter home to parents asking them to return the DVDs, but then asked parents to simply destroy them.

You can interpret that in one of two ways. On the one hand, you can think of it as the school district simply intending to ensure the embarrassing video isn't viewed by any youngsters. On the other hand, perhaps school district members actually saw the clip and deemed it so horrible that they'd rather have it destroyed than sent back.

How bad would you feel about your libidinous performance that an entire school district implores parents to destroy your home video? Destroying the DVD just strikes me as overkill, like Nazi book-burning. I figure, at that point, when she's already at her embarrassment low point, she should have tried to save some shred of pride by insisting the parents send the DVDs back to her. At the very least, she'd have 24 copies of her cinematic masterpiece. Plus, if they're re-writable DVDs, she can record over them with even better videos.

Besides, in today's uncertain economic time, you can never be too frugal.

Posted by Ryan at 01:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 04, 2009

Happy Boom Boom Day!

The title. What it said.

Posted by Ryan at 11:22 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

July 02, 2009

Bill Boyne is a Moron, But I Repeat Myself

In the absence of the regular brain drool dolloped out by Nick Coleman in the past, I've had to search for other writers who shut their neurons off years ago yet continue to write mind-numbingly retarded things. Thankfully, the local Post-Bulletin happens to keep printing the monkey-like yammering of one "Bill Boyne." As far as I can tell, Boyne has never met a point he could adequately address, but this week's contribution to human stupidity sets the bar so low, it's now located under ground.

Bill Boyne: Find ways for illegal aliens to become legal

Right off the bat, in the headline no less, you're pounded over the head with stupefying dumbfoolery. "Find ways for illegal aliens to become legal?" Gosh. Let's see. If only there were SOME WAY for illegal aliens to become legal. If ONLY there was some process illegal immigrant could become legal immigrants NATURALLY. We could even call it: NATURALIZATION.

Illegal immigrants in the United States are facing a new obstacle that could create a serious problem not only for the immigrants themselves but for the entire economy.

They are not just immigrants, they are ILLEGAL immigrants. Hence, by their very title, they are law-breaking intrusives. Therefore, they should be facing as many serious problems as we can possibly put in front of them. Maybe THEN they'll look into coming into this country LEGALLY.

In a little-known program, federal agents are requiring some employers to question their employees to determine whether they are citizens of this country. If they are not, they can be compelled to return to their native countries for 10 years.

Well, not quite. Companies have to determine whether an employee is an ILLEGAL immigrant. You know, someone who used a fake SS number or other fraudulent ID to gain employment. They don't have to be citizens; they have to have entered the country LEGALLY and obtained the proper work visas. I know, it's such a subtle point, so I can see how Boyne missed it so completely and thoroughly.

This can create serious problems not only for the immigrants themselves but for their wives and children.

Gosh, maybe they should have thought of that before they entered the country ILLEGALLY. And be sure to notice how Boyne deftly avoided using the term "illegal" in that sentence. Smooth.

In some cases, the children are citizens because they were born in this country. The wives also usually have jobs that help to support the family.

Yes, the ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT wives. People, please. There is a process for coming to this country legally. Immigrants can even work here and start their own businesses. My jiu-jitsu instructor, for example. He came here from Brazil, through LEGAL channels, and he recently became a full-fledged citizen and everything. Sure, the process can be ponderous and lengthy, but stop pretending there aren't answers already out there.

If the husband is forced to return to Mexico, for instance, it causes an unbearable problem for the whole family.

Oh, cry me a river. Call Boyne a waaahmbulance, STAT. Illegal immigrants know the risks involved when they enter this country illegally. An unbearable problem for the whole family? Well then, come here through the legal route and step around that problem. Gah.

In addition, if the policy were applied to all illegal immigrants it would disrupt the nation's economy because illegal immigrants make up a large portion of the nation's work force.

We're looking at 9.5 percent unemployment right now; I THINK we can probably cart the brunt of illegals back to their legal country of origin and still manage to find workers to fill their jobs. Just a hunch. Sure, sheetrocking sucks, but I'd do it as a temporary job to pay my mortgage until something better comes around, if Heaven forbid it comes to that.

That would be a serious threat because the nation's population -- except for immigrants -- is declining as a result of a low birth rate and the aging of the rest of the work force.

Except for ILLEGAL immigrants, Boyne! Stop being so obtuse, you lousy triangle of a human being.

Some industries are inclined to hire immigrants because they will work for lower wages.

ILLEGAL immigrants! People who are here illegally! If someone were to break into Boyne's house, bop him over the head, and steal his television, he'd probably refer to the thieves as "aggressive house guests."

In some farm areas, growers have had to let crops rot because they could not hire immigrants and were unable to harvest the crops.

ILLEGAL immigrants.

There is a simple solution to the problem. All that is required is a new approach to develop a program by which illegal immigrants can become legal.

Yep. A simple EXISTING solution. Been on the books now for a couple hundred years. There's even a huge statue of . . . liberty. . . or something. . . that stands in honor of good, old-fashioned LEGAL immigration. Granted, the statue's not on the Mexican border, but maybe it should be. A gigantic torch wielding dame with a pointy hat and a stone tablet might actually deter some illegals from jumping the border

Most illegal immigrants work, pay taxes and support their families.

Yep, using illegal IDs that only serve to muck up and already-mucked up tax-system. You think illegals sit down with H&R Block to hash out their W-2s at the start of the year? Think again, lil brudder.

They are not criminals.

They are ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. Ergo, yes, they ARE criminals.

They can be given a legal status if they learn English and meet other reasonable requirements.

Yes. Reasonable requirements that ALREADY EXIST. Man, I HATE stupid people.

President Obama has recognized the problem and has said he will discuss the issue with members of Congress and seek to develop the necessary legislation by the end of summer.

Shouldn't be too tough. They can all circle around a laptop with WiFi access, and visit this fucking page. Then they can all collectively say "Looks good to me," and get on with actually addressing other problems that don't have solutions that ALREADY EXIST.

The whole country -- not just the immigrants -- would benefit if this can be done successfully.

ILLEGAL immigrants!

The result would be a humane policy for dealing with the issue and a favorable impact on the country's economy.

Yep, if ILLEGAL immigrants would just follow the law that's already on the books for becoming a LEGAL immigrant, we'd have a humane policy that's favorable to the economy. Good to know.

Bill Boyne is a retired publisher and editor of the Post-Bulletin. His weekly column appears on Wednesdays.

In other words, avoid the P-B on Wednesdays if you want to retain your smarter brain cells.

Posted by Ryan at 11:22 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
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