July 02, 2009

Bill Boyne is a Moron, But I Repeat Myself

In the absence of the regular brain drool dolloped out by Nick Coleman in the past, I've had to search for other writers who shut their neurons off years ago yet continue to write mind-numbingly retarded things. Thankfully, the local Post-Bulletin happens to keep printing the monkey-like yammering of one "Bill Boyne." As far as I can tell, Boyne has never met a point he could adequately address, but this week's contribution to human stupidity sets the bar so low, it's now located under ground.

Bill Boyne: Find ways for illegal aliens to become legal

Right off the bat, in the headline no less, you're pounded over the head with stupefying dumbfoolery. "Find ways for illegal aliens to become legal?" Gosh. Let's see. If only there were SOME WAY for illegal aliens to become legal. If ONLY there was some process illegal immigrant could become legal immigrants NATURALLY. We could even call it: NATURALIZATION.

Illegal immigrants in the United States are facing a new obstacle that could create a serious problem not only for the immigrants themselves but for the entire economy.

They are not just immigrants, they are ILLEGAL immigrants. Hence, by their very title, they are law-breaking intrusives. Therefore, they should be facing as many serious problems as we can possibly put in front of them. Maybe THEN they'll look into coming into this country LEGALLY.

In a little-known program, federal agents are requiring some employers to question their employees to determine whether they are citizens of this country. If they are not, they can be compelled to return to their native countries for 10 years.

Well, not quite. Companies have to determine whether an employee is an ILLEGAL immigrant. You know, someone who used a fake SS number or other fraudulent ID to gain employment. They don't have to be citizens; they have to have entered the country LEGALLY and obtained the proper work visas. I know, it's such a subtle point, so I can see how Boyne missed it so completely and thoroughly.

This can create serious problems not only for the immigrants themselves but for their wives and children.

Gosh, maybe they should have thought of that before they entered the country ILLEGALLY. And be sure to notice how Boyne deftly avoided using the term "illegal" in that sentence. Smooth.

In some cases, the children are citizens because they were born in this country. The wives also usually have jobs that help to support the family.

Yes, the ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT wives. People, please. There is a process for coming to this country legally. Immigrants can even work here and start their own businesses. My jiu-jitsu instructor, for example. He came here from Brazil, through LEGAL channels, and he recently became a full-fledged citizen and everything. Sure, the process can be ponderous and lengthy, but stop pretending there aren't answers already out there.

If the husband is forced to return to Mexico, for instance, it causes an unbearable problem for the whole family.

Oh, cry me a river. Call Boyne a waaahmbulance, STAT. Illegal immigrants know the risks involved when they enter this country illegally. An unbearable problem for the whole family? Well then, come here through the legal route and step around that problem. Gah.

In addition, if the policy were applied to all illegal immigrants it would disrupt the nation's economy because illegal immigrants make up a large portion of the nation's work force.

We're looking at 9.5 percent unemployment right now; I THINK we can probably cart the brunt of illegals back to their legal country of origin and still manage to find workers to fill their jobs. Just a hunch. Sure, sheetrocking sucks, but I'd do it as a temporary job to pay my mortgage until something better comes around, if Heaven forbid it comes to that.

That would be a serious threat because the nation's population -- except for immigrants -- is declining as a result of a low birth rate and the aging of the rest of the work force.

Except for ILLEGAL immigrants, Boyne! Stop being so obtuse, you lousy triangle of a human being.

Some industries are inclined to hire immigrants because they will work for lower wages.

ILLEGAL immigrants! People who are here illegally! If someone were to break into Boyne's house, bop him over the head, and steal his television, he'd probably refer to the thieves as "aggressive house guests."

In some farm areas, growers have had to let crops rot because they could not hire immigrants and were unable to harvest the crops.

ILLEGAL immigrants.

There is a simple solution to the problem. All that is required is a new approach to develop a program by which illegal immigrants can become legal.

Yep. A simple EXISTING solution. Been on the books now for a couple hundred years. There's even a huge statue of . . . liberty. . . or something. . . that stands in honor of good, old-fashioned LEGAL immigration. Granted, the statue's not on the Mexican border, but maybe it should be. A gigantic torch wielding dame with a pointy hat and a stone tablet might actually deter some illegals from jumping the border

Most illegal immigrants work, pay taxes and support their families.

Yep, using illegal IDs that only serve to muck up and already-mucked up tax-system. You think illegals sit down with H&R Block to hash out their W-2s at the start of the year? Think again, lil brudder.

They are not criminals.

They are ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. Ergo, yes, they ARE criminals.

They can be given a legal status if they learn English and meet other reasonable requirements.

Yes. Reasonable requirements that ALREADY EXIST. Man, I HATE stupid people.

President Obama has recognized the problem and has said he will discuss the issue with members of Congress and seek to develop the necessary legislation by the end of summer.

Shouldn't be too tough. They can all circle around a laptop with WiFi access, and visit this fucking page. Then they can all collectively say "Looks good to me," and get on with actually addressing other problems that don't have solutions that ALREADY EXIST.

The whole country -- not just the immigrants -- would benefit if this can be done successfully.

ILLEGAL immigrants!

The result would be a humane policy for dealing with the issue and a favorable impact on the country's economy.

Yep, if ILLEGAL immigrants would just follow the law that's already on the books for becoming a LEGAL immigrant, we'd have a humane policy that's favorable to the economy. Good to know.

Bill Boyne is a retired publisher and editor of the Post-Bulletin. His weekly column appears on Wednesdays.

In other words, avoid the P-B on Wednesdays if you want to retain your smarter brain cells.

Posted by Ryan at July 2, 2009 11:22 AM | TrackBack


I know you said not many people read your "web blog" :), but I stumbled across it accidentally (while looking for a decent picture of Jayma Mays, of all things, to send someone), and you, my friend, are freaking hilarious. Your conversations with Caroline (Your wife, I assume) are particularly laugh-provoking. Just thought this post deserved a comment, as no one else has done so, if only to say: RIGHT ON. I HATE stupid columnists, and I live in Memphis, TN, the land of idiots. Including the columnists, with precious few exceptions. Anyway, thanks for amusing me today, glad you like XKCD, and I will more than likely continue to read your stuff, as long as you continue to write it.

Posted by: Michael at August 21, 2009 10:06 PM

That's what I get for assuming. Pardon my assumption and retardation up there. Sorry.

Posted by: Michael at August 21, 2009 10:20 PM

HAHAHA! No worries, Michael. Caroline is the wife of one of my childhood friends and a former co-worker. We have a lot of fun, but if we were married, we'd have killed each other ages ago.

Posted by: Ryan at August 22, 2009 11:06 AM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!