May 29, 2009

Verifying I'm Still Here

I have not given up on blogging in preference of Twitter, just so you know. It's just that I haven't had a lot of long-winded things to say lately. That, and 3/4 of my energy this week has been burned up hanging sheetrock.

Posted by Ryan at 12:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 26, 2009

Consider me Skeptical


This is a picture that runs as part of a weight loss ad that appears on countless Web sites. As "Before and After" pictures go, this one particularly grabbed my attention due to the sheer shamelessness of its impossibility.

Firstly, in the "before" image, the woman's tits are just a quick sag away from being tucked into her panties, while in the "after" image the boobs have been hiked up so high, they're practically a chin rest. Granted, either way they're still boobs, so I approve of each version, but I'm just pointing out the ridiculousness here.

Secondly, this is one of the only weight loss regimens I'm aware of that can turn a belly button from an in-ee to an out-ee. Even assuming that the out-ee is, in fact, a piece of navel jewelry (a possibility that's pretty remote based off my extensive image investigation), we're talking a total torso redesign here.

My verdict: shenanigans.

Posted by Ryan at 09:20 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 22, 2009

This applies to so many online comments



Posted by Ryan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Recession Reaching

Ryan says: This headline does not compute: "Some seniors can't afford to graduate."

Ryan says: College, I could understand, but high school?

Ryan says: Ohhhh, they can't afford to go through the ceremony. . .

Ryan says: To which I say: so, don't. The paper proof is the most important part.

Caroline says: What about the ceremony is expensive?

Ryan says: Cap and gown?

Ryan says: The article just cites "graduation fees."

Ryan says: That's new in my experience.

Caroline says: Graduation fees!

Caroline says: Maybe they have to slip the MC a $20 spot as they walk across the stage.

Ryan says: $38 for "required graduation regalia."

Ryan says: In other words, "cap and gown."

Ryan says: Methinks is reaching just a tad for recession angles here.

Caroline says: Regalia sounds like genitalia.

Ryan says: I'd pay $38 for genitalia. That sounds like a bargain.

Caroline says: How much would you spend for Vulva Perfume

Ryan says: Oooh! Epic Call-back!

Caroline says: Thank you. Thank you.

Posted by Ryan at 09:05 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 21, 2009

Penis Goes Where?


With all due "not that there's anything wrong with that" qualifications established, this is quite possibly one of the gayest pictures ever to grace the front page of

Posted by Ryan at 07:33 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 19, 2009

Pregnancy? Fun? Hardly.

My wife has been pregnant now for about six months, presumably with my child, provided I extend the benefit of the doubt. In other words, I've basically been going insane now for about half a year.

My wife went into the whole pregnancy thing thinking being pregnant would be fun, apparently forgetting the fact growing another human being in your guts probably carries with it a certain amount of unpleasant side effects.

Seriously, after about her fifth straight week of morning sickness, she had the audacity to announce to me: "I thought being pregnant would be fun," which is like saying "being in an iron lung sure sounds peaceful."

As a quick side note, I have to point out the term "morning sickness" is wildly inaccurate. It's not "morning sickness," it's "all the danged time sickness." For the first three months, my wife felt sick unless she had something in her stomach besides a growing baby. In retrospect, she may have been using morning sickness as an excuse to eat all the time. Regardless, I'm convinced the term "morning sickness" was conjured by the same baby marketing department that convinced my wife being pregnant would be fun.

For my part, I can tell you without a doubt, being married to someone who is pregnant is not at all fun. Being married to a pregnant woman is like going to a pregnancy-themed amusement park -- "Womb Town" -- where all the rides are run on hormones. You know you probably shouldn't get on the roller coaster, but for some reason you do, and all of a sudden the coaster is all like "Waaaahhhhhhhh! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Waaaaaahhhhhhhh! Hold me."

Another popular ride at Womb Town is the "Nag-a-Tron 5,000," where you strap yourself in and are repeatedly told you're out of toilet paper and contact solution. You're also told to clean the cat litter box and take out the trash. The "Nag-a-Tron 5,000" is not unique to Womb Town, however, and can be found in most "Marriage-Ville" theme parks. The Womb Town version features 25-percent more nagging, which presented a particular challenge for the engineers, but they succeeded gloriously.

Being pregnant has also apparently equipped my wife with a catch-all excuse for everything. You'd be amazed at how much the phrase "but I'm pregnant" can get a woman out of almost any task. If she asks me to get her a glass of water and deliver it to her on the couch, and I even hint at saying "no," I'll get the "but I'm pregnant" line and find myself doling out the H2O.

One of these days, I'm going to track down the person who said being pregnant is fun and kick her in the shin.

Posted by Ryan at 08:46 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

May 18, 2009

Writer's Block

This was an interesting read, although I disagree with some parts of it.

Yet writers are, as a class, extraordinarily at risk. They spend their twenties, and often their thirties, living paycheck to paycheck.

Boy howdy, was that true back during my first writing gig, a beat reporter making $6 an hour. My second writing gig for another newspaper netted me about $12 an hour. My editing gig after that made about $15 an hour, while my last writing/editing started at about $18 an hour and ended at about $21 an hour. I'm deliberately leaving out what I make now.

The trick is, however, with one exception, I didn't burn my previous bridges behind me. Some of the best advice I can give any aspiring writing out there is to never lose contact with the people and companies you worked for in the past, and always leave a writing position on good terms. Those past positions can be a treasure trove of freelance writing opportunities. Yes, you'll likely make peanuts for income in the early going, but keep looking for the next job upgrade while keeping the past positions in your rolodex.

It's very true that writing as a professional career choice is very risky, and you spend the early running pretty much jumping without a net. There's a lot of luck involved in parlaying writing of any sort into a sustainable living. However, if you're smart, patient and choose your moves carefully, while always operating under the assumption you'll be out of work tomorrow, you'd be surprised how well you can do.

You end up with a lot of friends who make much more money than you--who don't even realize that a dinner with $10 entrees and a bottle of wine is an expensive treat, not a cheap outing to catch up on old times.

Then you need better friends.

Our business is in crisis, and we lose jobs often. When we do, it's catastrophic.

Unless you actively prepare for losing your job by constantly updating your resume and making it available online wherever the hell you can and make extensive use of social networking tools so people may be able to give you a heads up. That kind of preparation and attentiveness can pay off huge. Having my resume on actually got me my last job one month after being laid off from my editing gig.

Everyone you write about makes more than you. Most of the people you know make more than you. And you come to feel that shopping at the farmer's market, travelling to Europe, drinking good coffee, are minimum necessities.

Well, then you're a materialistic rube. Living within your means is a pretty common sense endeavor; even at my most meager of jobs, I was ablle to save some sort of money, although I had a gaunt "Body by Ramen Noodle" look to me.

Your house is small, your furniture is shabby, and you can't even really afford to shop at Whole Foods. Yet you're at the top of your field, working for one of the world's top media outlets. This can't be so.

OH NO! Whole Foods is shut off to you? Whatever should you do?

And so the debts creep up, one happy hour or Colorado backpacking adventure at a time.

Look, if you can't afford a Colorado backpacking adventure. . . DON'T GO ON A COLORADO BACKPACKING ADVENTURE. Sheesh.

They are confessed in moments of panic: the 420 credit score that requires a cosigner on a new lease, the $10,000 in credit card debt, the car loan that can't be paid off nor recouped in a sale of the sadly depreciated vehicle, the deliberately bounced checks and collection calls.

$10k in credit card debt? YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. And, don't buy a new vehicle; buy a $500 beater for crying out loud. Deliberately bounced checks? Well, now you're just whining. I've never bounced a check in my life.

The rest of the article has good advice for writers who are apparently morons when it comes to fiscal responsibility.

Posted by Ryan at 03:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Caroline says: Oh, I was driving up to the cities to pick my mom up from the airport and there was this dbag right on my ass. He passed me and his Iowa plate said "NINJA"

Caroline says: Isn't that ... not very ninjaesque?

Ryan says: Not very concealed, no.

Caroline says: Then I thought of all the stupid things you and I would've come up with if we saw that plate on one of our rides to MSP.

Ryan says: Oh, jeez.

Ryan says: Maybe it was a vanity plate for a German who likes Nine Inch Nails?

Caroline says: I see what you did there.

Ryan says: As only you would.

Posted by Ryan at 10:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 17, 2009


"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" just started.

Posted by Ryan at 08:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Because I Have a Blog, and I Can

Okay, so, a little background:

The "Minnesota Independent," formerly the "Minnesota Monitor," is a hodge-podge almalgamation of blissful idiots who happen to be able to write somewhat coherently and have an idea of "journalism" as an anointed calling that's not unlike a pseudo-priesthood for people with an opinion who can sort of put their ideas, however retarded those ideas may be, into written form.

It's also a repository for people who used to have actual writing gigs, or people who aspire to have writing gigs, who have to serve time at a sham writing gig until something better comes along. The Independent is basically a writer's purgatory where the writers justify their shoddy craft by defining "journalism" into whatever mallable form makes them feel important.

Anyway, the Independent won an award for "Best independent news blog — Independent Web site."

Forgetting for a moment that the "Independent" is about as independent as a 22-year-old college grad living in their parents' basement, it should be noted:

The Independent is absolutely shameless about using photos without attribution. In other words, the Independent tramples on copyright law like a moose trampling a man. Here's actual footage of the Independent violating copyright law:

So, yeah, if the Minnesota Independent deserves an award, my blog deserves at least 20.

Posted by Ryan at 08:26 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 07, 2009

Boxer Shorts of Powder

Ryan says: I Tweeted and FB'd this, but it strikes me as really funny: "You know you haven't worn a pair of boxers in a LONG time when you go to put them on and the elastic band turns to powder when stretched."

Caroline says: Powdown'd!

Ryan says: Happened to me this morning, and I about died laughing.

Ryan says: Laughing to the point of death over powdered boxer shorts is probably a good sign that you officially have no life.

Caroline says: That and Tweeting about it.

Ryan says: Hey now, that's below the belt.

Caroline says: Below the powdered belt.

Ryan says: Those who do not Tweet are not allowed to criticize those who do.

Caroline says: Au contraire. That's EXACTLY what we're allowed to do.

Ryan says: "Below the Powdered Belt" sounds like a Dr. Suess book.

Caroline says: Go ahead

Ryan says:
Beware, if you should suffer from an irritating welt,
Should one perchance happen to appear below the powdered belt.

Caroline says: There it is.

Ryan says: Geo'owned!

Ryan says:
If the welt is severe enough, that it can even be smelt,
There is much that you should fear, below the powdered belt.

Posted by Ryan at 11:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 05, 2009

The World Is Falling Apart. . . Sort Of

Let's just face it: the world is falling apart right before our eyes, according to the news outlets of the world, which we should always accept at face value and without question, because news outlets are staffed with the smartest, most altruistic geniuses on the planet.

Yeah, I couldn't buy that load of hog twaddle, either, and I'm a journalist. Okay, let's say about 30 percent of what news outlets report is informed and accurate (which is still pretty charitable, just so we're clear). In that case, we can assume the world is only 30 percent falling apart right before our eyes.

To recap some of the major news that has us all crouching under the dining room table in the fetal position:

• The worldwide economy is in the toilet, where you should never store your economy, according to economic economists. An economy should always be placed atop the fireplace mantle alongside participation ribbons, medals and trophies. If you do accidentally place your economy in the toilet, make sure you don't flush, as that will complicate things immensely.

• Swine flu, which ironically has very little to do with actual swine, is sweeping across the globe, giving literally dozens of people the sniffles. Egypt responded to the crises in true, level-headed, logical fashion by having all 300,000 of it's nation's pig population put to the sword. Exactly how Egypt will react when a case of Human Flu emerges should have Egyptians pretty well terrified.

• The U.S. government took over bankrupt Chrysler and forced it to merge with Italian carmaker, Fiat, which is sort of like ordering dogs and cats to live together. Other troubled U.S. automakers are begging for bailout dollars, compliments of U.S. taxpayers, who had previously decided, of their own volition, that U.S. automakers have been making lousy vehicles as of late and don't deserve our money. The U.S. government, in its infinite wisdom, decided otherwise.

• In a bout of what can only be described as "teenage-like spending," the U.S. government has also opened up the Treasury like Scrooge McDuck emptying his Money Bin and is literally throwing money at every perceived and unperceived problem it can think of. Dubbed "stimulus money," no one seems capable of explaining just how it's going to stimulate anything, although a little-known troublemaker called "inflation" seems poised to get stimulated like crazy any day now.

• In response to the aforementioned "teenage-like spending," mass demonstrations called "Tea Parties" have been organized across the country. Many media outlets, showing why we've all come to appreciate their professionalism, have been referring to the demonstrators as "Tea Baggers." As a professional journalist who happens to enjoy toilet and bodily humor, I can't really criticize this practice.

• Global warming, now repackaged as "global climate change" — because that's nearly impossible to argue with — has businesses and individuals scrambling to "go green," in what could possibly go down in history as the biggest marketing scam ever perpetuated on the human population. In related news, I'm coming out with a new line of "Green Underwear," which I'll be selling for $55 a pair. It's best not to ask how the underwear got to be green, and just be thankful you're doing your part to save the environment. Look for my line of "Grundies TM" to appear at your local retailer soon.

Remember, only about 30 percent of the information listed in the bulleted news items above is accurate, so 70 percent of the world remains just fine.

Or does it?

Posted by Ryan at 01:37 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Fap Splort

Ryan says: Do you think there are fetishists out there who are turned on by a linea negra?

Caroline says: It seems like there are fetishes for EVERYTHING, so probably.

Ryan says: That sweet, sweeeeeet linea negra.

Ryan says: *fap, fap, fap*

Caroline says: SPLORT

Ryan says: I CAN HAS SPLORT!

Caroline says: If you do it right

Ryan says: Be a good splort.

Caroline says: Best splortsmanship award goes to YOU

Ryan says: Shop at Splorts Authority.

Ryan says: Or Dick's Splorting Goods.

Caroline says: You should buy a splortscar.

Caroline says: And the license plate should, no doubt, be FAPFAP

Ryan says: Would you attend a splorting event with me?

Caroline says: Only if we had good seats.

Ryan says: We need to watch the greatest moments in splorts.

Caroline says: Splorts Bloopers would be more entertaining, me thinks.

Ryan says: I should have been a splortscaster.

Caroline says: You could call the foreplay by play.

Posted by Ryan at 10:45 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 04, 2009

Bike Talk

Caroline says: Whatever happened to village bicycles?

Ryan says: Too many people had a ride?

Caroline says: Fear of swine flu?

Ryan says: Schwinn Flu.

Caroline says: It's a Giant problem.

Ryan says: That last comment was chock full of SCHWINN!

Caroline says: Schwinner schwinner, pork chop sammich dinner!

Ryan says: Now you're just getting all Huffy.

Ryan says: FYI, I owned a BMX. TMI?

Caroline says: I've lost Trek of the joke.

Posted by Ryan at 09:39 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The great viral hype

The 2009 Swine Flu will go down in history as the greatest one week media overhype to ever disgrace the news. Until the next time.

Posted by Ryan at 08:06 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 03, 2009

Sugar Tits

Posted by Ryan at 08:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Let it be known

My golf game is officially atrocious this year. That is all.

Posted by Ryan at 05:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 01, 2009

Words Fail

You may be asking yourself, what's a Cuchini?

A Cuchini. Let me show you it.

Posted by Ryan at 08:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
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