May 05, 2009

The World Is Falling Apart. . . Sort Of

Let's just face it: the world is falling apart right before our eyes, according to the news outlets of the world, which we should always accept at face value and without question, because news outlets are staffed with the smartest, most altruistic geniuses on the planet.

Yeah, I couldn't buy that load of hog twaddle, either, and I'm a journalist. Okay, let's say about 30 percent of what news outlets report is informed and accurate (which is still pretty charitable, just so we're clear). In that case, we can assume the world is only 30 percent falling apart right before our eyes.

To recap some of the major news that has us all crouching under the dining room table in the fetal position:

• The worldwide economy is in the toilet, where you should never store your economy, according to economic economists. An economy should always be placed atop the fireplace mantle alongside participation ribbons, medals and trophies. If you do accidentally place your economy in the toilet, make sure you don't flush, as that will complicate things immensely.

• Swine flu, which ironically has very little to do with actual swine, is sweeping across the globe, giving literally dozens of people the sniffles. Egypt responded to the crises in true, level-headed, logical fashion by having all 300,000 of it's nation's pig population put to the sword. Exactly how Egypt will react when a case of Human Flu emerges should have Egyptians pretty well terrified.

• The U.S. government took over bankrupt Chrysler and forced it to merge with Italian carmaker, Fiat, which is sort of like ordering dogs and cats to live together. Other troubled U.S. automakers are begging for bailout dollars, compliments of U.S. taxpayers, who had previously decided, of their own volition, that U.S. automakers have been making lousy vehicles as of late and don't deserve our money. The U.S. government, in its infinite wisdom, decided otherwise.

• In a bout of what can only be described as "teenage-like spending," the U.S. government has also opened up the Treasury like Scrooge McDuck emptying his Money Bin and is literally throwing money at every perceived and unperceived problem it can think of. Dubbed "stimulus money," no one seems capable of explaining just how it's going to stimulate anything, although a little-known troublemaker called "inflation" seems poised to get stimulated like crazy any day now.

• In response to the aforementioned "teenage-like spending," mass demonstrations called "Tea Parties" have been organized across the country. Many media outlets, showing why we've all come to appreciate their professionalism, have been referring to the demonstrators as "Tea Baggers." As a professional journalist who happens to enjoy toilet and bodily humor, I can't really criticize this practice.

• Global warming, now repackaged as "global climate change" — because that's nearly impossible to argue with — has businesses and individuals scrambling to "go green," in what could possibly go down in history as the biggest marketing scam ever perpetuated on the human population. In related news, I'm coming out with a new line of "Green Underwear," which I'll be selling for $55 a pair. It's best not to ask how the underwear got to be green, and just be thankful you're doing your part to save the environment. Look for my line of "Grundies TM" to appear at your local retailer soon.

Remember, only about 30 percent of the information listed in the bulleted news items above is accurate, so 70 percent of the world remains just fine.

Or does it?

Posted by Ryan at May 5, 2009 01:37 PM | TrackBack

Now I'm scared about which 30 percent it is.

Posted by: Keith at May 5, 2009 01:43 PM

"Exactly how Egypt will react when a case of Human Flu emerges should have Egyptians pretty well terrified."


Posted by: Shiloh at May 8, 2009 06:39 PM

Ordering Chrysler to merge with Fiat is less like ordering dogs and cats to live together, and more like ordering John Candy and Chris Farley to make a baby. In the sense that they were both bloated and unhealthy, they're both dead now, and asking them to make a baby would have been impracticable even if they were still alive. Which they aren't.

Still, I can't help wondering what your opinion of the whole "world is falling apart" thing would be if you lived in New Orleans.

Posted by: Joshua at May 20, 2009 12:57 AM
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