Ryan says: I Tweeted and FB'd this, but it strikes me as really funny: "You know you haven't worn a pair of boxers in a LONG time when you go to put them on and the elastic band turns to powder when stretched."
Caroline says: Powdown'd!
Ryan says: Happened to me this morning, and I about died laughing.
Ryan says: Laughing to the point of death over powdered boxer shorts is probably a good sign that you officially have no life.
Caroline says: That and Tweeting about it.
Ryan says: Hey now, that's below the belt.
Caroline says: Below the powdered belt.
Ryan says: Those who do not Tweet are not allowed to criticize those who do.
Caroline says: Au contraire. That's EXACTLY what we're allowed to do.
Ryan says: "Below the Powdered Belt" sounds like a Dr. Suess book.
Caroline says: Go ahead
Ryan says:
Beware, if you should suffer from an irritating welt,
Should one perchance happen to appear below the powdered belt.
Caroline says: There it is.
Ryan says: Geo'owned!
Ryan says:
If the welt is severe enough, that it can even be smelt,
There is much that you should fear, below the powdered belt.
Let's just face it: the world is falling apart right before our eyes, according to the news outlets of the world, which we should always accept at face value and without question, because news outlets are staffed with the smartest, most altruistic geniuses on the planet.
Yeah, I couldn't buy that load of hog twaddle, either, and I'm a journalist. Okay, let's say about 30 percent of what news outlets report is informed and accurate (which is still pretty charitable, just so we're clear). In that case, we can assume the world is only 30 percent falling apart right before our eyes.
To recap some of the major news that has us all crouching under the dining room table in the fetal position:
The worldwide economy is in the toilet, where you should never store your economy, according to economic economists. An economy should always be placed atop the fireplace mantle alongside participation ribbons, medals and trophies. If you do accidentally place your economy in the toilet, make sure you don't flush, as that will complicate things immensely.
Swine flu, which ironically has very little to do with actual swine, is sweeping across the globe, giving literally dozens of people the sniffles. Egypt responded to the crises in true, level-headed, logical fashion by having all 300,000 of it's nation's pig population put to the sword. Exactly how Egypt will react when a case of Human Flu emerges should have Egyptians pretty well terrified.
The U.S. government took over bankrupt Chrysler and forced it to merge with Italian carmaker, Fiat, which is sort of like ordering dogs and cats to live together. Other troubled U.S. automakers are begging for bailout dollars, compliments of U.S. taxpayers, who had previously decided, of their own volition, that U.S. automakers have been making lousy vehicles as of late and don't deserve our money. The U.S. government, in its infinite wisdom, decided otherwise.
In a bout of what can only be described as "teenage-like spending," the U.S. government has also opened up the Treasury like Scrooge McDuck emptying his Money Bin and is literally throwing money at every perceived and unperceived problem it can think of. Dubbed "stimulus money," no one seems capable of explaining just how it's going to stimulate anything, although a little-known troublemaker called "inflation" seems poised to get stimulated like crazy any day now.
In response to the aforementioned "teenage-like spending," mass demonstrations called "Tea Parties" have been organized across the country. Many media outlets, showing why we've all come to appreciate their professionalism, have been referring to the demonstrators as "Tea Baggers." As a professional journalist who happens to enjoy toilet and bodily humor, I can't really criticize this practice.
Global warming, now repackaged as "global climate change" because that's nearly impossible to argue with has businesses and individuals scrambling to "go green," in what could possibly go down in history as the biggest marketing scam ever perpetuated on the human population. In related news, I'm coming out with a new line of "Green Underwear," which I'll be selling for $55 a pair. It's best not to ask how the underwear got to be green, and just be thankful you're doing your part to save the environment. Look for my line of "Grundies TM" to appear at your local retailer soon.
Remember, only about 30 percent of the information listed in the bulleted news items above is accurate, so 70 percent of the world remains just fine.
Or does it?
Ryan says: Do you think there are fetishists out there who are turned on by a linea negra?
Caroline says: It seems like there are fetishes for EVERYTHING, so probably.
Ryan says: That sweet, sweeeeeet linea negra.
Ryan says: *fap, fap, fap*
Caroline says: SPLORT
Ryan says: I CAN HAS SPLORT!
Caroline says: If you do it right
Ryan says: Be a good splort.
Caroline says: Best splortsmanship award goes to YOU
Ryan says: Shop at Splorts Authority.
Ryan says: Or Dick's Splorting Goods.
Caroline says: You should buy a splortscar.
Caroline says: And the license plate should, no doubt, be FAPFAP
Ryan says: Would you attend a splorting event with me?
Caroline says: Only if we had good seats.
Ryan says: We need to watch the greatest moments in splorts.
Caroline says: Splorts Bloopers would be more entertaining, me thinks.
Ryan says: I should have been a splortscaster.
Caroline says: You could call the foreplay by play.
Caroline says: Whatever happened to village bicycles?
Ryan says: Too many people had a ride?
Caroline says: Fear of swine flu?
Ryan says: Schwinn Flu.
Caroline says: It's a Giant problem.
Ryan says: That last comment was chock full of SCHWINN!
Caroline says: Schwinner schwinner, pork chop sammich dinner!
Ryan says: Now you're just getting all Huffy.
Ryan says: FYI, I owned a BMX. TMI?
Caroline says: I've lost Trek of the joke.
The 2009 Swine Flu will go down in history as the greatest one week media overhype to ever disgrace the news. Until the next time.
