September 09, 2008

Frowning at Robberies

Let's face it: robbery, theft and other such thieving derivatives represent a very real and serious problem plaguing humanity. I say this as a man who has had probably $9.84 in change stolen from my assorted vehicles over the last 15 years. I really should start locking my doors more frequently.

Anyway, as I was saying, theft and robbery in any form should be frowned up with the full frowning power of one million frowners, including this great nation's Frowning Fathers, a dour bunch if ever there was one.

All of this was a confusing and only-mildly-funny segue into the heart of this post, which is intended to explore the dark and unusual underbelly of theft and robbery crimes that are apparently sweeping America.

For example, according to a Sept. 8, Associated Press (AP) report out of Fresno, Calif., authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.

This is one of my greatest fears, incidentally; to wake up in the middle of the night, only to realize, not only have I been robbed, I'VE BEEN TENDERIZED. I honestly don't think there's any amount of therapy available to deal with the mental repercussions of such a violation. I'd be doomed to a lifetime of nightmares involving myself and Mrs. Dash. "shudder"

Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack. He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house.

See, now that's just sad. He went through all the effort of a vigorous spice rubbing and assault with a not-particularly deadly sausage, and then he goes and leaves his wallet and ID behind. It would have been the perfect, befuddling crime, but then he went and messed it all up through what can only be described as "debilitating stupidity."

Not all random, audaciously bizarre criminals are apprehended, however. Some thieves are just too savvy and up-to-date on the methods employed by law enforcement officials. Others, it can be argued, are just chock full of dumb luck.

Take another example, this time a Sept. 5, AP report out of Dallas, which informs us a wheelchair getaway at a 7-Eleven has police looking for an unusual robbery suspect. Authorities said Friday that a man in a wheelchair entered a Dallas convenience store this week, rolled straight toward the cash register and began hitting it with a baseball bat.

Although you can certainly question the baseball bat tactic of going after the cash register, versus simply pressing the "No Sale" key, you have to admire the straightforwardness and focus on the robbery task at hand. Unfortunately, that laser-like focus apparently faltered:

But he didn't grab any cash. The suspect instead stole 10 boxes of condoms and an energy drink before making his getaway Wednesday afternoon, Dallas police Cpl. Kevin Janse said.

Well, to be fair, attacking a cash register with a baseball bat is probably thirsty work. As for the ten boxes of condoms. . . that's pretty much anybody's guess.

Janse said the culprit may have been homeless and probably intoxicated at the time.

Homeless and intoxicated is no excuse. This man must be frowned upon with as much frowning power as we can muster.

Come to think of it, "Frowning Muster" would make a great spice rub. . .

Posted by Ryan at September 9, 2008 10:25 AM | TrackBack

thx for the lighthearted take. it feels good to laugh about being robbed.

Posted by: amy.leblanc at September 9, 2008 12:46 PM
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