Rambling Rhodes

Making Baby Jesus Cry

You know what's sad and irritating? I'll tell you what's sad and irritating. What's sad and irritating are all the ThunderJournal posts I've had to go back through and close the comments because they're getting choked by spam.

Although, they have steered me to some pretty kicking porn sites, so there's that.

One. . . MILLION. . . sex jokes

Ryan says: Great line on on the radio this morning about the Mini Me sex tape:

Ryan says: "Wouldn't it just look like a woman giving birth?"

Caroline says: Grooossssssssssssssss

Caroline says: And, totally.

Ryan says: That damn umbilical cord just. won't. let. go.

DO NOT WANT!

Caroline says: Ugh. Verne Troyer has a sex tape.

Ryan says: Blargh!

Ryan says: On the bright side, I hear it's pretty short.

Caroline says: and splort!

Caroline says: Hey-oooooooooh!

Think of the Graffiti Possibilities

When it comes to writing ThunderJournal posts, some days are easier than others. I'll have days when nothing at all occurs to me; nothing inspires me; nothing makes me sit up and say "I'll write about this!"

Other days, I can just be sitting there, thinking about nothing in particular (but usually boobies), when a friend will send me a link to a news article about the ongoing research and development of a spray-on condom, and I can confidently proclaim: "I'll write about this!"

Yes, according to a November 22, 2007 (and, no, I can't believe it took me this long to become aware of this) Reuters news item reported by the U.K.'s Daily Mail, "scientists have developed a spray on condom that is tailor made to a man's most treasured asset in seconds."

I'm telling you, not since the invention of Vulva have I been this excited about mankind's capacity for innovation. By the way, you know you've ventured into journalistic ambiguity when the article refers to "a man's most treasured asset." I mean, I KNOW what that's referring to, but I can imagine some overcompensating male out there thinking "why would I want a spray on condom for my Ferrari?" Back to the article we go:

"The sheath, invented by the Condom Consultancy in Germany, is made in a chamber that pumps out liquid latex over the man's penis and then dries in 20 to 25 seconds. It is later rolled off like a normal condom. The aim is to cut the drying time to 10 seconds."

Okay, first of all. . . there's a Condom Consultancy? Why was I not made aware of this until just now? Why am I not one of the consultants? I have a laundry list of condom improvement ideas that should have been brought to the attention of the Condom Consultancy board of directors YEARS AGO. First and foremost, why can't they invent a condom that doesn't leave a circular ring when stored in a wallet?

"Inventor Jan Vinzenz Krause said it is better than the one-size-fits-all versions on sale in shops.

"'We thought why not come up with a condom that fits the man rather than vice versa? This would represent a revolution in the condom market,' said Krause."

I'm trying to envision what a condom market revolution would look like. I'm imagining opposing armies, each equipped with condom-shaped helmets, awkwardly trying to roll a condom down the barrel of their rifle, with a woman standing behind each soldier, saying "Just DO IT ALREADY!"

I'm sorry. . . where was I?

"He has filed for a patent for the latex spraying system he invented. 'As far as I know our idea is unique,' said Krause."

"He admits he will have to overcome some legal hurdles and technical niggles before he can bring the product to market, but he already has a working prototype and says the system can cater for most sizes."

Just so you know, a successfully performed "technical niggle" can do wonders in the bedroom. Ladies ask for it by name.

"'With our technology we could spray a condom on an erect elephant,' he declared, not without a hint of pride."

There are some quotes that cannot be improved upon through snark and silliness; the preceding is just such a quote. Although, it would make a most awesome YouTube video to capture lab technicians trying to coat an elephant's wang with liquid condom using spray cans. It's SCIENCE!

"Men who tested the prototype were split in their reactions."

"'Some said it's a great idea and would help them because they can't find conventional condoms that fit them,' Mr Krause said. 'Others say they can't imagine it working in practice. There's the romance factor: applying the condom does interfere with the sex act.'"

Especially when you encounter a perfectionist who wants to get the coating JUST RIGHT. It's not just an erection. . . it's ART.

Internet: Serious Business

I’ve watched the Internet evolve over the years from the perspective of someone who writes for a living, as a communicator who has chosen the written word as his medium of choice and his profession. As such, I like to think, after five years of college writing, followed by a decade of writing and editing content for a variety of newspapers, magazines, books and even Web-based material, that I have a pretty good idea of what constitutes decent writing and thoughtful, well-reasoned rhetoric.

The Internet, I’ve noticed, has this strange power over what would otherwise be somewhat rational, restrained people. The Internet takes these people and turns them into rambling, obsessive-compulsive commenting idiots. That’s not to say EVERYONE online is an idiot, but the idiots, in my experience, seem to be the most vocal. Many somehow believe, if they just write endlessly, the reader won’t notice their idiocy. On the other side of the coin are the idiots who cram so much idiocy, usually with Caps Lock enabled, into such a small space, it practically generates its own idiot gravity.

From my perspective, the idiot door really swung open at the turn of the Millennium, when online journals, or blogs, started grabbing the worldwide imagination. Here was a Web-based engine that could provide an online voice to every man, woman or child, provided they had a rudimentary understanding of Internet language coding. That small requirement, that tiny hurdle, that miniscule speed bump of extra effort and knowledge, meant most early bloggers and online journal keepers could also string together logical sentences and thoughts.

A side-effect to all that early blogging was the human desire to generate feedback from readers, to encourage written dialogue with their fellow online human beings, and it was from that point that the Internet ship sailed over the edge of the earth and into the awaiting maw of the commenting beast below.

Blogs became equipped with comment boxes or other such commenting engines, making online commentary as simple as clicking a link and typing out thoughts. No longer the sole domain of the casual and hardcore geeks, online commentary became open to the Web-based general public, which has since established itself as the single largest bloc of idiots ever to wield a keyboard.

When YouTube rose to prominence in early 2007, the geniuses behind the Internet video-sharing powerhouse made the monumentally bad decision to provide viewers with the ability to comment on each and every available video. The result has been the single largest assault on spelling, grammar, logic and general thought ever to be inflicted upon the written word.

A brief trip through the cesspool that is a YouTube comment thread yields such literary gems as:

- lmao!!! i feel kinda sorry for him but this is still funny 5/5 I also added him in my video aswell

- real smooth lmao smbdy tell me why he tried to get back up

- Where I Can Download It !!?? hahahhahaha Its Soooo Funnyyy

And that’s just a tiny sampling. There are, literally, hundreds of thousands, probably millions, of similar comments polluting YouTube comment threads alone. And I chose the comments listed above for their relative COHERENCE; there are far, far worse comments, believe me. Trying to read many of the comments is like trying to decipher Martian Braille, riddled with insulting expletives.

For better or for worse, the commenting beast has now extended its tendrils into online newspaper articles. Many newspapers, experiencing declining advertising revenue and circulations, have opened their Web-based content to the commenting opinion of readers. This experiment admittedly has potential, but that potential is tempered by the fact that roughly 80 percent of online commenters are also anonymous, and anonymous online commenters can be ridiculously insulting and hostile, often inhabiting personas they would never, EVER exhibit during face-to-face interactions.

All of this is just my long-winded way of telling you how special I am, and how unique my coherent and amusing writing style actually is. You can comment to me about it, if you’d like.

I Could Write for The AP

I had to move this post to here, because all those mentions of. . . a certain posterior aperture. . . is apparently causing problems with. . . certain ads.

A Typical Monday Morning

Caroline says: How did we miss this?! http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/06/20/todays-classiest-headline-award-goes-to/

Ryan says: They had me at "Cumming Hailed."

Ryan says: Can you imagine the umbrella required to stave off cum hail?

Caroline says: That reminds me, there's this suspicious-looking white stuff on the floor by the outside doors here. I did a double take when I walked in this morning. Ick.

Ryan says: I surrendered my badge on my last day, so I plead innocent.

Caroline says: It was a spooge-by.

Ryan says: Those are so sneaky.

Caroline says: I would think they require a fairly decent amount of prep work.

Ryan says: In my experience, at LEAST eight minutes.

Caroline says: Then ... splort!

Ryan says: We have the best IM conversations.

Caroline says: Uh, yeah we do.