For the price of a fairly decent blow-job. . . you could get a fairly decent blow-job.
Who says this economy is in trouble?
Modern medicine has the ability to create a new bladder using a segment of the intestine.
Interesting.
Yuck.
Caroline says: Just as we suspected: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1815845,00.html?cnn=yes
Ryan says: That Time article doesn't suprise me in the least, although it's still downright depressing.
Caroline says: I know.
Ryan says: You know what gets me about that Time article?
Caroline says: Which part
Ryan says: It ends with the school talking about providing students with contraceptives. . . when quite obviously the students in question wanted nothing to do with contraceptives.
Caroline says: Well, yeah. I wondered about the logic behind that "solution," too.
Caroline says: The girls high-fived, for jebus' sake.
Ryan says: When kids are giving high fives for getting pregnant, somehow I don't think condoms are the solution.
Ryan says: Call me crazy.
Caroline says: Cah-raaaaazy
Ryan says: I hesitate to blame movies like Juno an Knocked Up, but there's definitely something. . . societal. . . about the growing "popularity" of teen pregnancy.
Caroline says: I don't think Juno and Knocked Up glamorized pregnancy for unwed moms. Maybe they didn't see the same movies I did.
Ryan says: Maybe today's teens are turned on by Seth Rogan?
Caroline says: Well, they did opt for a 24 yo homeless dude to impregnate them ... Seth Rogan probably looks good to them.
Ryan says: A 24-year-old homeless man could mean something different to us.
Ryan says: I was, technically, homeless when I was 24.
Caroline says: Man, you really missed out on all the sex with high school girls, then.
Caroline says: Or maybe I don't know the whole story.
Ryan says: I know, right?!
Ryan says: I think that's what depresses me most.
Ryan says: All that sweet teen ass I missed out on.
Caroline says: I had a feeling we'd get here eventually. Let it out.
Ryan says: LOL!
Remember when I wrote this?
*thinking back*
Man, that was really awesome and hilarious hyperbole. *sigh* *boobies*
Today, as if on cue, we get this:
Iowa flooding could be man’s fault, experts say
Where some blame days of rain, others point to an altered landscape
You can't make this shit up any more. A meteor could take out New York City tomorrow, and days later some "expert" would come in and explain how the damage could have been mitigated if a city hadn't been constructed there in the first place. Damn you, progress! DAMN YOU!!!!!
As the Cedar River rose higher and higher, and as he stacked sandbags along the levee protecting downtown Cedar Falls, Kamyar Enshayan, a college professor and City Council member, kept asking himself the same question: "What is going on?"
As the Cedar River rose higher and higher, a college professor and City Council member kept asking. . . "What is going on?"
Digest that. Marinate in that. Swim in it like a duckling. Marvel at the sheer fucking stupidity of it. Realize that ANYONE can be a college professor and ANYONE can be a City Council member. . . and ANYONE can be a full throttle moron. From this point on, any ridiculously stupid statement can be referred to as spouting a Kamyar.
The river would eventually rise six feet higher than any flood on record. Farther downstream, in Cedar Rapids, the river would break the record by more than 11 feet.
Enshayan, director of an environmental center at the University of Northern Iowa, suspects that this natural disaster wasn't really all that natural. He points out that the heavy rains fell on a landscape radically reengineered by humans. Plowed fields have replaced tallgrass prairies. Fields have been meticulously drained with underground pipes. Streams and creeks have been straightened. Most of the wetlands are gone. Flood plains have been filled and developed.
Um, yes, plowed fields, you know THAT PRODUCE FOOD, have replaced tallgrass prairies. The pure cheek of us humans, developing land to grow crops. THE GALL! Draining fields with underground pipes. How dare we be innovative! Streams and creeks. . . straightened! STRAIGHTENED! HORRORS! Flood plains have been filled. . . and DEVELOPED.
One wonders what Kamyar would have to say about the human influence on California wildfires. Or, hey, remember the 2005 tsunami? Imagaine how many lives would have been saved if no one lived in coastal areas.
"We've done numerous things to the landscape that took away these water-absorbing functions," he said. "Agriculture must respect the limits of nature."
People elected this guy. Remember that. Could we please, PLEASE get some common sense in this article? PLEASE?!
Officials are still trying to understand all the factors that contributed to Iowa's flooding, and not everyone has the same suspicions as Enshayan. For them, the cause was obvious: It rained buckets and buckets for days on end. They say the changes in land use were lesser factors in what was really just a case of meteorological bad luck.
THANK YOU! Good God, in my home town of Harmony, Minn. alone (about three miles from the Iowa border), it rained nearly 10 inches in two days. It was unprecedented. It was crazy. With that kind of rainfall in the Midwest, the soil eventually says "hey, you know what? I'm pretty saturated. You can rebend all the streams and creeks you want; hell, you can even try re-establishing flood plains. But, you know what? I'm flooding your ass, and there's NOTHING you can do about it."
You know what? I'm done with this. The basic gist is: "If humans just weren't so doggone human and alive on this planet, this never would have happened. . . maybe."
Newsy.
I'm not typically a hand lotion kind of guy. Unless, well, you know. . .
Seriously, I'm not the sort of person who worries about disinfecting every surface I touch and ensuring soft, moist hands. I generally leave that kind of obsessive worriment to the Lileks battalion of the Internet. I should note here that in no way was a dig at Lileks, who I consider to be a top tier humorest and general writer; his disinfecting ways have served him well, even if I don't share his daily bacteria-destroying agenda.
To somewhat illustrate how nonchalant I am when it comes to communicative filth, bacteria or otherwise: earlier this year, the mats on which I train in jiu-jitsu were moved for the first time in about four years, and the detritus between the cracks and beneath the mats was swept up for the first time in well over 1,000 days. The mountain of accumulated pubes, sand, dirt, band-aids and just general grossness that eventually piled up was enough to gag even Oscar the Grouch. It was seriously disturbing, and yet I was strangely okay with it.
At any rate, in my new employment position, they advocate routine hand disinfecting, to the point where they actually stock the supply closets with bottles and bottles of hand antiseptic/moisturizer. Now, since I don't actually have to PAY to cleanse my digits, I've taken to keeping a bottle on my desk and using the substance (which looks suspiciously like porn jizz) quite regularly over the course of a day, and I've found, quite to my surprise, that I actually enjoy having soft, moisturized hands, which just happen to also be disinfected.
I consider it progress. . . or something.
Italian man accused of kidnapping ex-girlfriend to get ironing, dishes done
Lack of Solar Sunspots and Other Phenomenon Anthropogenic In Nature
WASHINGTON D.C. (Rhodes Media Services) -- The ongoing "dead" period of solar activity that has been perplexing scientists for the last couple of years has been discovered to be a direct result of human activity here on earth, according to a recent study conducted by the the Institute for Blaming Human Beings for Everything that's Ever Happened Anywhere (IBHBEEHA).
In what they're calling a "scientific consensus," the IBHBEEHA announced, following a detailed study funded by over $84 million in grants and donations from "undisclosed" financiers, that human beings are almost certainly responsible for the lack of sunspots and solar flares normally expected at this point in the solar cycle.
"We've looked extensively at all the data we have available to us," said Allen Fitzgerald, spokesman and lead scientist for the IBHBEEHA. "And the one variable we keep coming back to is human beings. We are the unknown component in the vast equation of solar system machinations, so clearly we're the reason the sun hasn't been acting according to expectations. I don't know. . . maybe we have too many satellites circling the earth, reflecting too much of the sun's warmth back at it, or something. The point is, we're responsible for this, and as good stewards of the solar system, we have to act now, not later."
According to the IBHBEEHA, some of the measures human beings can take to help mitigate the effects of solar inactivity include implementing a system of trading solar credits, limiting our overall solar footprints, and to stop staring at the sun in order to trigger photic sneezing.
"Look, to be honest, we're not exactly sure how photic sneezing is in any way responsible for solar inactivity," said Fitzgerald. "But, it annoys us, okay? Seriously, is it really necessary for you to stare up at the sun in order to get a quick sneezing fix? We don't like it and, quite frankly, we don't imagine the sun likes getting used in such an unnecessary and cheap way. So, just knock it off already."
The two main presidential candidates, who are always asked for comment regarding breaking news like this, for reasons that aren't entirely clear to the vast majority of Americans and a pretty good number of Nigerians, expressed concern over the idea of "anthropogenic solar change."
Senator John McCain, the Republican presidential candidate, said, "I've known the sun my whole life. I remember when the sun was little more than a speck of dust in the sky, gathering other specks and other specks until it had enough specks and mass to ignite the nuclear fusion engine that powers so much of our solar system today. Yeah, damn it, I'm that frickin' old."
"I think this is an audacious moment, a hopeful moment," added Senator Barack Obama, the Democrat candidate for president. "As with any hopefully audacious moment, I think we should act decisively to save our sun, probably through a tax of some sort, maybe a 'photosynthesis tax,' something like that."
IBHBEEHA spokesman Fitzgerald said a "photosynthesis tax" would be a good first step, provided a large portion of the revenue would be be used to further IBHBEEHA research.
Caroline says: You should wear this WITH the headphones that were on your desk this morning. http://www.businessbib.net/
Ryan says: Okay, that thing is so full of WIN it makes my head hurt.
Caroline says: Right?!
Ryan says: It's the serious model face that really completes it.
Caroline says: Kind of makes you wonder what the inspiration was for that face. "Work it, work it ... er, half work it, half work it ... "
Ryan says: "Show me business bib. . . more bib! Damnit, give me bib!"
Caroline says: He does give good bib.
Ryan says: You would know. . .
Ryan says: Bib whore.
Caroline says: The truth. It hurts.
Ryan says: Slip you a little halfsuit, and you're putty in a man's hands.
Caroline says: Mmmm, bib putty.
Ryan says: You want the headline of the day?
Caroline says: yes
Ryan says: "Yankees' Wang Sprains Foot in Win"
Caroline says: Too.Many.Jokes.At.Once.
Ryan says: It really is a cornucopia of innuendo and hilariousness.
Caroline says: InYOURendo.
Ryan says: I KNEW that was coming.
Caroline says: Did not.
