June 25, 2008

Think of the Graffiti Possibilities

When it comes to writing ThunderJournal posts, some days are easier than others. I'll have days when nothing at all occurs to me; nothing inspires me; nothing makes me sit up and say "I'll write about this!"

Other days, I can just be sitting there, thinking about nothing in particular (but usually boobies), when a friend will send me a link to a news article about the ongoing research and development of a spray-on condom, and I can confidently proclaim: "I'll write about this!"


Yes, according to a November 22, 2007 (and, no, I can't believe it took me this long to become aware of this) Reuters news item reported by the U.K.'s Daily Mail, "scientists have developed a spray on condom that is tailor made to a man's most treasured asset in seconds."

I'm telling you, not since the invention of Vulva have I been this excited about mankind's capacity for innovation. By the way, you know you've ventured into journalistic ambiguity when the article refers to "a man's most treasured asset." I mean, I KNOW what that's referring to, but I can imagine some overcompensating male out there thinking "why would I want a spray on condom for my Ferrari?" Back to the article we go:

"The sheath, invented by the Condom Consultancy in Germany, is made in a chamber that pumps out liquid latex over the man's penis and then dries in 20 to 25 seconds. It is later rolled off like a normal condom. The aim is to cut the drying time to 10 seconds."

Okay, first of all. . . there's a Condom Consultancy? Why was I not made aware of this until just now? Why am I not one of the consultants? I have a laundry list of condom improvement ideas that should have been brought to the attention of the Condom Consultancy board of directors YEARS AGO. First and foremost, why can't they invent a condom that doesn't leave a circular ring when stored in a wallet?

"Inventor Jan Vinzenz Krause said it is better than the one-size-fits-all versions on sale in shops.

"'We thought why not come up with a condom that fits the man rather than vice versa? This would represent a revolution in the condom market,' said Krause."

I'm trying to envision what a condom market revolution would look like. I'm imagining opposing armies, each equipped with condom-shaped helmets, awkwardly trying to roll a condom down the barrel of their rifle, with a woman standing behind each soldier, saying "Just DO IT ALREADY!"

I'm sorry. . . where was I?

"He has filed for a patent for the latex spraying system he invented. 'As far as I know our idea is unique,' said Krause."

"He admits he will have to overcome some legal hurdles and technical niggles before he can bring the product to market, but he already has a working prototype and says the system can cater for most sizes."

Just so you know, a successfully performed "technical niggle" can do wonders in the bedroom. Ladies ask for it by name.

"'With our technology we could spray a condom on an erect elephant,' he declared, not without a hint of pride."

There are some quotes that cannot be improved upon through snark and silliness; the preceding is just such a quote. Although, it would make a most awesome YouTube video to capture lab technicians trying to coat an elephant's wang with liquid condom using spray cans. It's SCIENCE!

"Men who tested the prototype were split in their reactions."

"'Some said it's a great idea and would help them because they can't find conventional condoms that fit them,' Mr Krause said. 'Others say they can't imagine it working in practice. There's the romance factor: applying the condom does interfere with the sex act.'"

Especially when you encounter a perfectionist who wants to get the coating JUST RIGHT. It's not just an erection. . . it's ART.

Posted by Ryan at June 25, 2008 06:02 AM | TrackBack

I forgot about Vulva.

And there's a sentence I've never said before and will probably never say again.

Posted by: Caroline at June 25, 2008 12:11 PM
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