July 29, 2005
Gay baiting
So, it's my understanding that Democrats represent themselves as the party of equality, whether it be racial equality, gender equality or sexual preference equality (limited to humans, of course).
All of which is great. Yay, equality!
Something I've noticed though, and I'm by no means painting with an all-encompassing brush here when it comes to ALL Democrats, but there seems to be a bit of glee on the part of some segments of the Left who enjoy speculating as to who in the Republican/Conservative camp may secretly, or not so secretly, be gay.
While I was researching this light-hearted post earlier this week, I encountered this little bit of moonbattery. I almost feel bad that I'm about to rip on this guy so mercilessly, simply because I stumbled upon his drooling nonsense completely by accident. But, hey, SHIT HAPPENS!
The moronic post basically pontificates about Supreme Court nominee John Roberts and wonders about his "true" sexual preference, based almost entirely on a Wikipedia search. Specifically:
* Roberts graduated first in the class of 23 from La Lumiere, a small, all-male Catholic boarding school
Hey, guess what; I finished respectably high on the list of my graduating high school class, too, an ALL MALE Catholic international school in Tokyo, Japan. Gay, gay, I must be GAY!
* He studied six years of Latin and some French
So what? He's educated? Probably more than you?
* He also wrestled
GASP! So did I! I wrestled with MEN! And now I'm in Jiu-Jitsu, rubbing against MEN! Gay, Gay, I must be GAY! Sure, I could probably kick your sorry ass 25 ways from Friday, but I'd be so GAY doing it.
* He was co-editor of the student newspaper
ARGH! And here I am Managing Editor of an IBM Magazine. And, and, and. . . I was elected publisher of the one-time newspaper my sixth grade class put together back in elementary school!! I must be dripping with the GAY!
* He also took part in choir and drama.
I was in band! I played the phallic TRUMPET! Surely that means I want to ride the SKIN TRUMPET!
* he *served under* President George H.W. Bush
Okay, now he just thinks he's being clever, without actually being clever.
* he wears black dresses
Ah, now he's just descended below clever into the realm of just plain stupid.
But here's where it gets really good:
you know where im going with this.
he was single till he was 41, then he realised that he needed the proper accoutrements (he DOES speak french) to get ahead - so he got himself a pinkfrocked frau-frau and borrowed a couple of kids from someone. (remember, this was before mehlman's ground-breaking career)
Single till he was 41. Oh, the HUMANITY! Apparently that's a crime, and a sure-fire indication of gayness. It's certainly not that he put his family life on hold because he wanted to focus on his career or anything, a career that has brought him to the pinacle dream of the legal profession: a nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court. Nah, it's not that, it's just that he's GAY. Oh, and he's Catholic, so he has to adhere to every single dictate of the Catholic Church, apparently.
I'll throw this next paragraph out there, just so you can absorb the pure, asphixiating bile of the author.
he can be honest to his 'faith' (in the way only repug hypocrites can be) - cos he doesnt use any 'protection' (with his wifey). the catholics like to spin themselves into a ball by saying that they use the rhythm method - aka - not having sex when it might result in pregnancy. the roberts family are cautious types and recognise that mistakes are possible, and therefore they never have sex (together). but mr roberts needed a family for career purposes, so he went and got a potemkin family.
Again, because you're a Catholic believer, you must be in lock-step with all the dictates of the Catholic Church about EVERYTHING. Shhhh, don't tell Andrew Sullivan.
And now that you've read through that hate-filled diatribe, there's this:
lets play a game for the next three months - lets see whether it is ever mentioned in the media that he got married at 41 (including any mention of his wedding date), or any mention that his kids are adopted.
Yes, let's play that game. Let's play that game where unbridled speculation should be unleashed upon a family man in an attempt to ascertain his gayness or not gayness, which is TOTALLY IRRELEVANT TO THE POSITION FOR WHICH HE'S BEEN NOMINATED. And, hey, let's destroy his family in the process because, even though it's just speculation, and he could be fully proven heterosexual in the end, it's not as if crazy nutjobs won't continue to be convinced he's gay and harrass Roberts and his family for the next 20 years or anything.
So, what if Roberts is gay? Exactly. SO WHAT? If I all of a sudden turned gay, right here at my keyboard--which is apparently totally possible, what with all the red flags outlined above--will I suddenly lose my ability to write magazine content? Will my editing skills be replaced with a sudden flair for color coordination? Will I pick up an uncanny method of snapping my fingers twice while saying "You go, girl!"?
Look, unless you're one of the Fab Five, your sexual orientation shouldn't have any bearing at all on your employment. No one should give a flying fuck if you're gay, straight, or otherwise. Yet, strangely enough, this guy (who's all about inclusion, I'm sure), thinks it's great fun to speculate wildly for no particular reason but to be spiteful.
Ah, but then, the author attempts to exonerate himself, basically saying "I'm just kidding," and "all that hate-filled ignoramus shit I just wrote? Well, this makes it okay."
ftr - of course:
a) my heart goes out to people who want to have babies and cant for one reason or other
b) i have a lot of respect for people who adopt kids - *particularly* people who chose to adopt when they could have kids naturally.
c) theres nothing wrong with being unmarried at any age
d) its only the hypocrisy that drives me mad
e) this is mostly satire
For the record. Of COURSE.
July 28, 2005
Ah, Political Discourse In America
It's a MIDDLE FINGER!
No, IT'S A THUMB!
Personally, I'm pretty sure it's a thumb. It's still funny, either way.
July 27, 2005
Political Man Weighs In On, Well, Politics
Well, July has reached an end, and what a month it was! Politically-speaking, July 2005 will no doubt go down in history as that one month during that one year when a lot of political stuff happened. Yes sir, as politics goes, July was just as important as November of 2004, when an election happened, or something.
What's my point? Well, I don't have one! No, wait, I do. My point is that, in these charged political times, EVERYONE has a political opinion. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone with a political opinion. Believe me, I know, because I was outside the other day, swinging a dead cat, when I accidently hit some guy outside of the government center who was lobbying for a ban on dead cat swinging. What are the odds?!
For those of you without a political opinion (all two of you), it can be a challenge trying to understand the political issues and news of the day, particularly the issues and news that bombarded us during the month of July.
Thankfully, in addition to being a marginally humorous blogger, I'm also an adept political analyst, by which I mean I look at headlines once in awhile. Nevertheless, I feel fully qualified to inform you, my valued readers, about some of the most important political issues that boiled forth during the last month.
We begin with the political intrigue that is the Karl Rove/Valerie Plame story, a story so twisted and confusing, you need a Mensa degree to understand it. Unfortunately, I only have a Winona State University degree, but I'll still take a crack at it.
Karl Rove is, depending on who you ask, a political sorcerer who can bend the will of man and creature alike to do his bidding and, should the need arise, he can summon a genie twice a day; others maintain he's a sleazy, mud-slinging political spin master who is so dirty, pigs and even Michael Jackson avoid him. What is for certain is that he's the deputy chief of staff to the Bush White House.
Valerie Plame worked as a United States CIA officer and was identified as a CIA operative in a 2003 newspaper column. Recent evidence has come to light indicating that Rove was the source who leaked Plame's CIA operative status to the author of the 2003 column, which would apparently be in violation of the Intelligence Identities Protection Act of 1982, even though many maintain that Plame's CIA status was common knowledge within the Washington D.C. beltway, so much so that beggars often implored of her, "Spare change, Secret Agent Plame?" Plame also had even reportedly trained her dog to say "I love you, CIA officer."
So, why is this story so important? Because, EVERYONE has a political opinion, that's why! To hear some tell it, if Rove isn't flattened by a streamroller tomorrow, justice will not be served, while others steadfastly maintain that Rove did nothing wrong and should be given a Congressional medal of some sort, and maybe a box full of puppies.
The mad cloak and dagger intrigue (also known as RAMPANT BOREDOM) of the Rove/Plame issue, however, was surpassed in political importance later in the month when President Bush made his selection for the Supreme Court replacement of Justice Sandra Day O'Conner, who stepped down recently because, according to sources, "her feet hurt."
President Bush's selection for the vacant post was 50-year-old John Roberts, who had previously served on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia. Upon first review of Roberts, the national media concurred that he was, and I quote, "the most super-awesome Supreme Court nominee ever in mankind's recorded history."
Naturally, with Roberts initially appearing bulletproof, the media instead focused its incredulous eyes on Roberts' four-year-old son, Jack, who seized the moment of his father's nomination to break into a spontaneous dance that resembled a cross between "The Robot" and "The Decapitated Chicken."
Shortly following the show of playful exuberance, Jack, his sister and mother were all whisked offstage by CIA agents, presumably to debrief them on their knowledge of Valerie Plame's secret identity.
This prison abuse must stop!!
Via commenter Jimmo, who remains frustratingly anonymous.
Just for the record, Jimmo, the tiger picture on the door was a particularly nice touch.
July 26, 2005
Phantom of the Magazine
Evelyn says: Is Timothy Hahn a MF writer?
Ryan says: Never heard of him.
Evelyn says: Hmm.
Evelyn says: Yep, he is. I'll forward this outline on to you. He wants to write in your November issue.
Ryan says: YAY!
Evelyn says: Yeah, looks like your predecessor must have lined him up before she left. He's a decent writer and seems to be easy to work with.
Evelyn says: I sent him a note telling him who you were.
Ryan says: I'm the Phantom Managing Editor.
Evelyn says: That's you.
Ryan says: I'm even typing away madly at my keyboard with a creepy, white half-mask.
Ryan says: And a cape, because capes are cool.
Evelyn says: Yeah, they're right up there with light sabers.
