July 27, 2005

Political Man Weighs In On, Well, Politics

Well, July has reached an end, and what a month it was! Politically-speaking, July 2005 will no doubt go down in history as that one month during that one year when a lot of political stuff happened. Yes sir, as politics goes, July was just as important as November of 2004, when an election happened, or something.

What's my point? Well, I don't have one! No, wait, I do. My point is that, in these charged political times, EVERYONE has a political opinion. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone with a political opinion. Believe me, I know, because I was outside the other day, swinging a dead cat, when I accidently hit some guy outside of the government center who was lobbying for a ban on dead cat swinging. What are the odds?!

For those of you without a political opinion (all two of you), it can be a challenge trying to understand the political issues and news of the day, particularly the issues and news that bombarded us during the month of July.

Thankfully, in addition to being a marginally humorous blogger, I'm also an adept political analyst, by which I mean I look at headlines once in awhile. Nevertheless, I feel fully qualified to inform you, my valued readers, about some of the most important political issues that boiled forth during the last month.

We begin with the political intrigue that is the Karl Rove/Valerie Plame story, a story so twisted and confusing, you need a Mensa degree to understand it. Unfortunately, I only have a Winona State University degree, but I'll still take a crack at it.

Karl Rove is, depending on who you ask, a political sorcerer who can bend the will of man and creature alike to do his bidding and, should the need arise, he can summon a genie twice a day; others maintain he's a sleazy, mud-slinging political spin master who is so dirty, pigs and even Michael Jackson avoid him. What is for certain is that he's the deputy chief of staff to the Bush White House.

Valerie Plame worked as a United States CIA officer and was identified as a CIA operative in a 2003 newspaper column. Recent evidence has come to light indicating that Rove was the source who leaked Plame's CIA operative status to the author of the 2003 column, which would apparently be in violation of the Intelligence Identities Protection Act of 1982, even though many maintain that Plame's CIA status was common knowledge within the Washington D.C. beltway, so much so that beggars often implored of her, "Spare change, Secret Agent Plame?" Plame also had even reportedly trained her dog to say "I love you, CIA officer."

So, why is this story so important? Because, EVERYONE has a political opinion, that's why! To hear some tell it, if Rove isn't flattened by a streamroller tomorrow, justice will not be served, while others steadfastly maintain that Rove did nothing wrong and should be given a Congressional medal of some sort, and maybe a box full of puppies.

The mad cloak and dagger intrigue (also known as RAMPANT BOREDOM) of the Rove/Plame issue, however, was surpassed in political importance later in the month when President Bush made his selection for the Supreme Court replacement of Justice Sandra Day O'Conner, who stepped down recently because, according to sources, "her feet hurt."

President Bush's selection for the vacant post was 50-year-old John Roberts, who had previously served on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia. Upon first review of Roberts, the national media concurred that he was, and I quote, "the most super-awesome Supreme Court nominee ever in mankind's recorded history."

Naturally, with Roberts initially appearing bulletproof, the media instead focused its incredulous eyes on Roberts' four-year-old son, Jack, who seized the moment of his father's nomination to break into a spontaneous dance that resembled a cross between "The Robot" and "The Decapitated Chicken."


Shortly following the show of playful exuberance, Jack, his sister and mother were all whisked offstage by CIA agents, presumably to debrief them on their knowledge of Valerie Plame's secret identity.

Posted by Ryan at July 27, 2005 11:18 AM | TrackBack

I don't have a political opinion. You see, if my points are mere opinions that indicates that there are valid and defensible counterpoints. As I am 100% correct we cannot classify them as opinions.

We'll need a new phrase here...I've got it! I do not have "political opinions", I hold "political certainties".

Yeah, that works.

Posted by: Jim at July 27, 2005 02:36 PM

I'm sorry, but I fail to see what this post has to do with naked ass.

Posted by: Dave in Pgh. at July 28, 2005 07:32 AM

Thanks for clearing all that up for me. And yes, I have political opinions. But they all seem centered around Spiro Agnew.

Posted by: Keith at July 28, 2005 01:25 PM
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