Rambling Rhodes

If a black cat crosses your path, paint over the fucker

My executive editor's husband snapped this picture on his way home from work. It's one of the funniest things I've seen all week.

Feeling the Burn

A little over a month ago, in an effort to further my training in the martial arts and, more importantly, to get off of my behind and actually exercise, I started attending classes at a local Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu studio.

Now, I'm typically a pretty active guy. I like to run and work out and take part in physically demanding activities. Thing is, for about six months or so, my interest in such demanding activities had been on the decline. Similarly, my interest in cable television and computer games had been on the rise. This confluence of interests and lack of interest was conspiring to produce a Ryan Rhodes who was no longer particularly a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness.

It wasn't that I was gaining weight or anything like that, but I sure wasn't feeling peppy any more. And, for those who have lost their pep, you know that a life without pep, a pepless existence, is kind of boring.

So, to re-pepify my existence, I started taking part in Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu classes. Now, I'm a proud kind of guy. I don't like to admit when I can't do something, so much so that I'll go to great lengths to prove that I can do something, even when I clearly can't.

For example, during my first Jiu-Jitsu class, I wanted to prove that I could easily do 200 stomach crunches like everyone else, even though I secretly knew I only had about 25 crunches in me. Miraculously, I did manage to perform 200 crunches that day, as well as several other physically demanding tasks that I probably shouldn't have performed, or at least I should have scaled back on them a bit.

The next morning, I literally could not get out of bed. I was convinced that, during the evening as I slept, an army of dwarves had beat me from head to toe with miniature pick-axes. Every muscle in my body felt as if they had been squeezed through a strainer.

As I laid there in bed, pondering different methods of suicide, I remembered that it wasn't the first time I had foolishly worked my muscles into a mass of jello, only to feel the consequences later on down the line.

The summer before my eighth grade year, I opted not to prepare for the coming football season. So, come the first day of practice, the most physically demanding thing I had done for several months was go golfing which, as you may know, isn't all that physically demanding.

I worked out hard that first football practice. I did pull-ups, and I ran, and I did push-ups, and I ran, and did football drills, and I ran, and I did sit-ups, and I ran. And at the end of the day, I took a nap, and when I woke up, I discovered that all my muscles had decided to hurt as much as possible.

To make matters worse, I was disoriented and groggy from my nap, so I mistakenly believed that it was actually the next morning, and that I was late for football practice. So, I did what any young teenage boy would do who hurt all over and thought he was late for football practice: I hobbled into the kitchen with my best aching Frankenstein impression and I yelled at my mother.

To me at that moment, it was perfectly rational that my mother was somehow responsible for my sorry physical state, so yelling at her and blaming her for things seemed perfectly justified and productive. Until she informed me that it was actually 7 p.m. and not 7 a.m., which of course just made me feel incredibly stupid, so I went back to bed.

Fast forward to about a month ago, when I found myself in bed, unable to move the morning after my first Jiu-Jitsu class. I felt exactly like I did all those years ago after my first eighth grade football practice. The only difference was that I didn't have a mother nearby whom I could yell at.

Lacking a nearby mother, I opted to yell at the alarm clock for going off, and then I yelled at the shower for being too hot, and then I yelled at the cats for being. . . well, cats. None of which made me feel any better, but at least I was blaming something other than myself, which was important.

It's sad what I'll do in the name of a peppy existence. It really is.

More Reading Goodness

I'm currently (by which I mean when I'm in the tub or before going to bed) reading "A Short History of Nearly Everything."

It started out a bit slow, but I'm starting to get into some more interesting stuff. It's basically the science textbook I wish I would have had in school. It's far more informative and entertaining than pretty much every science class I ever sat in. Plus, the book doesn't drown you with math, an area where I'm, well, let's just say math is a weak point for me.

Hey, that guy's down, let's watch those guys kick him

As exhilirating as it was for me to pick apart Nick Coleman's recent column after about a month's dry spell, it's just as entertaining for me to watch him get repeatedly kicked in the groin after basically kicking himself in the groin.

Tit for Tat

Inspired by this, I thought I'd try my hand at a liberal Blog Taxonomy:

1. Daily Kos - Considered a "must read" for the Left, Kos enjoys a substantial Web following that, judging by the comment threads, consists of some of the most tinfoil-hat-wearing feces throwers ever to plug into the Internet. Kos content itself basically consists of "conservatives are EVIL," "Republicans are LIARS," "how can chickenhawks sleep at NIGHT," and pretty much every other standard boilerplate lefty meme that's catnip for the fringe left but basically ignored by anyone toward the center. Oh, and he uses expletives a lot, which I personally admire, but which doesn't do a damned thing to augment any of his points.

2. Atrios - Apparently rapidly running out of unique thoughts of his own, Duncan Black now subsists almost entirely on "Open Threads," wherein he relies upon his slightly less lazy commenting followers to provide him with some topic, ANY topic.

3. Oliver Willis - If it weren't for Kos and Atrios, Oliver Willis could not exist. Just as Darth Vader required the Dark Side powers of Palpatine to keep him wheezing, so too does Willis require his inspiration from Kos and Atrios. If you've read Kos or Atrios, chances are pretty good (99.99 percent) that you've already read Willis. He may be "Like Kryptonite to Stupid," but what he really needs is Miracle Grow For Original Thoughts.

4. Talking Points Memo - If you think THAT blog title is pretentious and boring as hell, consider the author's name, Joshua Micah Marshall. Dude, my middle name is "Carroll," something I try not to advertise too much, but I still think it's better than "Micah." Jeez, even the picture of J.M.M. in the upper left corner looks like he's dozing off. He bores HIMSELF to sleep. His content is less expletive-laden than Kos, and generally more intelligent-sounding, but if you read Kos at all, you realize that that's not that much of a feat.

5. America Blog - Best part of this blog (for now) is the advertisement to the left featuring Xena and Gabrielle in a spa. Too hawt! I can't comment too much on this blog, as I only started perusing it about a month ago. Seems like standard-issue regurgitation. After awhile, having visited Kos, Atrios and the like, you start to wonder if you keep warping to the same damned blog, thanks to the continuity of the Blogads. The soccer chick was hot, at first, but now. . . And I don't want to Expose Santorum, for crying out loud! Think of the children!

Yeah, I could only do a top five list because, honestly, that's about all the lefty blogs I read with any degree of regularity and feel I can critique. They're basically echo chambers for themselves and, sadly for the Left, they're the most popular and well-regarded.

Which is a crying shame, really, because it means quality alternative blogs that actually make you stop and think, like Strip Mining for Whimsy and Man, Robot, MONSTER! and Flaming Text, are relegated to mediocrity. Those are blogs that make Kos and the rest read like the mewling brain drool of retarded kittens.

He's BAAAAAAACK!

It's been a rough month, Nick Coleman fans. We've had to endure a long hiatus from the rich writing and rock-solid logic of Minnesota's foremost newspaper columnist. He's been tending to the latest addition to his family unit, so congratulations on that. With that out of the way, let's dig right into his latest column.

Be warned, Nick is a bit rusty after his vacation and, if you're at all familiar with Nick Coleman's writing, knowing that he's rusty is NOT a good thing, to put it mildly.

I haven't written about President George W. Bush all year, and that suits me fine. I get tired of calling presidents liars, and he doesn't care what some blue-state hack thinks.

Oh. My. Nick just referred to himself as a blue state hack. Perhaps his month off granted him a moment of clarity? We can only hope.

So it's a win-win.

Nevertheless, etiquette requires me to write about the president today. He sent a message to me and my colleagues in the media, and it deserves a response.

Ah, etiquette. . . from a guy who once hinted, in his column no less, that a well-known blogger may have *hint, hint* a small manhood. Yes sir, Nick Coleman is all about etiquette, and apparently so are his editors, who continually let shit like that slide.

Don't worry: I will be polite, and I will use more fingers than he did.

For those unfamiliar with it, that's what passes as Nick Coleman humor. Yeah, I know, it's kind of painful, but you get used to it after awhile.

Bush, it seems, has given the press the presidential bird, a digital message of the kind you see exchanged between angry drivers at stop signs. At least we know where we stand.

Ooookayyyy, I think I can see where Nick is going with this.

The White House issued a non-denial denial, and the reporters on hand must have been blinded by the lights bouncing off their makeup mirrors because they didn't see it or thought the president had given them a thumbs up.

But when you view the video, as I have, (he knows stuff!) there isn't much doubt: George Bush, who promised to change the tone in Washington and restore dignity to the highest office in the land, deliberately flipped off the press.

There isn't much doubt? Is Coleman even remotely familiar with the Internet and Google? There's been more debate on this supposed finger flip than is probably healthy. Although the debate itself is funny as hell, and I highly encourage you to read the threads. There are those utterly convinced it was a middle finger, others utterly convinced it was a thumb's up, and still others who admit they're not sure. So much debate over a finger, it's just hysterical.

That's his right, even if it makes him the only born-again man whose favorite philosopher is Jesus Christ who flips people off like a sailor. But the press -- we whipped dogs and disreputable stand-ins for the American people -- didn't even raise a whimper.

Nick, who wasn't even there, wonders why his fellow whipped dogs didn't raise a whimper. Maybe, just maybe, they had a unique vantage point, up close and personal, that indicated to them that they hadn't just received a Presidential Piss-Off? Isn't that just possible?

The Finger-in-Chief was flipped last Wednesday, when the president visited Capitol Hill to meet with Republicans. He waved at the cameras, then walked down a hallway, pestered by reporters' questions.

Then, as he faded out of sight, Bush jabbed his middle finger in the air, the way you would give a farewell salute to a jerk disappearing in your rearview mirror.

I'll admit it, when I first, FIRST, saw the supposed bird flip, I tended to think Bush did, indeed, give the press corp the finger. Certainly, I wouldn't put it past Bush to do such a thing, and as the forum threads linked above point out, repeatedly, he's definitely done it before. It wasn't until I watched the forum threads unfold in the above links that I changed my mind and chalked it up to a thumbs up. What damning evidence does Nick Coleman use as his "proof?"

It was unmistakable. When "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno replayed the video, his audience knew instantly what the president meant (To see the video, visit the Onegoodmove website via www.startribune.com/347).

There you have it folks. When it comes to the news of the day, Nick Coleman turns to the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno and his video expert audience members.

A president showing disdain for the media is nothing new. But doing it with a contemptuous gesture that is offensive to millions does not just insult the press. It insults anyone who relies on the press to tell us what our leaders are doing. When presidents flip off the press, Americans get the finger.

You know, provided the President ACTUALLY FLIPPED OFF THE PRESS, the evidence of said flip being wildly inconclusive. Coleman's basing this entire column, with all it's witty finger-flipping cliches, on speculative guesswork, and a video clip courtesy of the "Tonight Show."

The networks and most newspapers ignored Bush's Big Bird, and only a handful of papers printed stories about the incident. Most were light, gossipy and inconclusive, giving the thumb theory more weight than it deserves (try mimicking the video with your own hand; only one finger will do).

Ahhhh, a thumb theory of which Coleman disagrees is getting more weight than it deserves. So much for a marketplace of ideas and all that. Apparently, if you don't think like Nick Coleman, Nick Coleman thinks you're wrong. Even if there's compelling evidence to the contrary.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan gave a limp denial: "I'm not going to dignify that with a response," he said the next day. "I mean, I haven't seen the video that you're talking about, but I know the way the president acts."

A limp denial? What the hell was he supposed to do? Slam his fists down on the podium and decree before God and all America that "I haven't seen the video you're talking about!"?

Yes, we know how he acts. He has flipped the bird before.

Like I said, go through the forum threads linked in this post, and you'll see more than enough evidence of Bush (and several others), flipping the bird. So, where does Nick Coleman go for his further evidence? Where does "He Who Is Nobody's Monkey" go for an unbiased opinion?

"The president knows his way around his middle finger," says John Aravosis, a Washington consultant and liberal blogger (he runs Americablog). Aravosis has helped keep the presidential finger story alive, and the White House took the unusual step of calling him to try to convince him that the videotape features Bush's thumb, not his middle finger. A weirdly elongated and misplaced thumb.

Okay, so Nick Coleman, a man who has made it almost his crusade--albeit a pathetic, clumsy and self-defeating crusade--to expose right wing blogs as a daisy chain of conservative "megaphones without oversight," turns to an equally partisan left wing blog to augment his point. NICK! Your biases are showing! You little non-monkey, you!

Aravosis doesn't buy it.

"The president thinks his conservative moral beliefs should be shoved down our throats. Then he flips people off. He's a phony. That's the story. I don't know about you, but my priest doesn't run around in public flipping people off."

How's that for a nice, detached, unbiased opinion for you?

But forget the finger. The real problem is the attitude of a president who flips the bird to representatives of the public -- however downtrodden, defeated and demoralized we press jackals might be.

Anyone who cares about the role of the press in a free society might worry when a president dismisses the press with an emperor's crude gesture.

I'd like to make a counter-argument here, using Nick's own words against him:

But forget the finger. The real problem is the attitude of press representatives who believe without question that the President flips the bird to representatives of the public -- however downtrodden, defeated and demoralized we press jackals might be.

Anyone who cares about the role of the press in a free society might worry when members of the press automatically and unquestioningly believe that the president dismissed them with an emperor's crude gesture

Nah, it's never the press that might be the problem. That's un-possible.

Getting back to the real Nick Coleman.

But maybe it was only a thumb. I'd like to believe that. Yes, the president gave the press a thumbs up! He really likes us! Just a thumb! The longest thumb we ever have seen.

Right in the eye.

Hey, here's an idea: let's bombard the Star-Tribune with all sorts of links discussing that bird-flip in question, with pointed inquiries of the people at the Star-Tribune why it is that they're reporting conjecture as fact. And then ask Coleman directly (ncoleman@startribune.com) why he puts more faith in venomous left-leaning blogs while ridiculing right-leaning blogs.

Good to have you back, Nick. Sort of.

How You Get Your Headline

Johnny's mad. Again. Specifically, he's mad about this.

Bush: Intelligent Design Should Be Taught

That's the headline. Only, if you read the article, that's not what Bush said.

"I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought," Bush said. "You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes."

So, it would appear that a reporter asked Bush a leading question, Bush answered the question in a fairly inoccuous way, yet the headline drastically skewed what was said. Granted, a headline like:

Bush encourages discussion of different ideas

Just doesn't have that Bush is a Bible-thumping chimpmonkey angle that SFGate.com so thirsts for.

UPDATE: I should point out that I personally believe quite strongly in the theory of evolution, with some personal provisos, and I don't think it's a good idea to inject what is basically religious teaching into a public school environment. That said, I do wish that more of my elementary and high school classes encouraged students to think more critically about subject areas and that we could have had more discussions about competing ideas. The rote memorization of dates and names strikes me, in retrospect, as a complete waste of time. For example, I didn't strike me as all that important who the current leader of China was when I was nine years old, but I remember thinking it was fascinating that China had a form of government that was radically different than our own, and it would have been cool if we could have learned more about that and discussed it amongst ourselves. So, when Bush says something along the lines of

"I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought. You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes."

I kinda tend to agree with him.

Rambling Rhodes Blog Economy Takes Hit

Moderately-read personal Web page sees readership decline
By Ryan Rhodes

Rochester, Minn. (Rhodes Media Services) -- For the first month in about a year (with the exception of a Tara Reid breast spike in Nov. 2004), monthly readership dipped at Rambling Rhodes by about 1,000 visitors.

Financial investors in Rambling Rhodes (all none of them), expressed concerns regarding the decline, while a spokeman for the blog assured both readers and potential investors alike that the Rambling Rhodes blog economy is still rock solid. Employment at Rambling Rhodes remains at 100 percent, and all one employees report that their job satisfaction couldn't be higher, according to the spokesman.

"You have to understand, the kind of growth experienced at Rambling Rhodes over the past year just couldn't be maintained into perpetuity," said Ryan Rhodes, Rambling Rhodes CEO/president/marketing director/promoter/spokeman/ink cartridge replacer/porn surfer/toilet cleaning guy. "It had to dip down at some point, you know. Now we, by which I mean I, can get back to the serious business of making Rambling Rhodes a successful blog."

Rhodes said market analysis revealed that some readers have been off-put by the frequently-recurring permutations of a picture of the CEO's naked behind, while others surveyed said the "Dirty Mushroom" is probably the best part of the blog. Still others said they return frequently to see how Nick Coleman columns are being mocked.

"Personally, I think it's about time his Web blog thingee started to lose popularity," said Coleman, Minneapolis Star-Tribune metro columnist and all-around curmudgeon. "Blogs are dangerous things, like extra-sharp scissors, that people shouldn't be reading. Not that you can read scissors, I mean. Well, maybe you can. I'm sure I can come up with a tired and ultimately unfunny cliche about reading scissors, but I'm not going to right now."

Most everyone surveyed agreed that the author probably should limit his dabbling in political opinion because, in the opinion of one reader "he really doesn't seem to know what the hell he's talking about."

Rhodes said that, going forward, he envisions his blog's popularity will rebound and that his investors will be richly rewarded for sticking through these hard times.

"Blogs are a tricky market," said Rhodes. "Each day, hundreds, if not thousands more blogs flash into existence, and a similar number blink quietly out of the blogosphere. It takes tenacious blogging over a long period of time to establish a recognized blog presence on the Internet. We've done that here at Rambling Rhodes. Now we, by which I mean I, have to take this blog to the next level, whatever the hell that will be."

Balls. . . BIG ONES

You can call him Chimpy McBushHitler. You can laugh at his mistalkeratings. You can hate him with every fiber of your being, should you so wish. But, you have to admit one thing: when the man retires at night and slips off his pants, he simply must have the biggest, brassiest, gargantuan-sized balls on the planet.

Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker.