Rambling Rhodes

My Thinker Hurts

Ryan's brain, yes his thinker, is fresh out of thinks
He can't think with his thinker, and that really just stinks

He was thinking just this morning, but his thinking's suspended
He puts a lot of faith in his thinker, and on it he's always depended

And yet now, his poor thinker, well, it can think no bit more.
And when he tries to do thinking, his thinker gets sore.

He should just buy some Smirnoff, and drink till he thinks
But he makes little sense when he thinks while he drinks.

If he thinks while he drinks, he'll just drink and get drunker
And at some point during the drinking, his thinker won't thunker.

So, no, there'll be no drinking in his pursuit of more thinks
Smirnoff would work against thinking, and be more of a jinx.

Ryan hopes that his thinker will soon please reactivate
Until then he'll just have to sit back and masturbate.

Beheading Blog Phenomenon

Yesterday I had well over 800 visits to this site, an astounding number for my pathetic little corner of the blogosphere. Granted, most of the visits came from people looking for information about, or possibly footage of, the beheading of Nick Berg in Iraq.

Pessimistic guy that I am at times, I was thinking that people were doing the search to fill some sort of lust for a cheap thrill at watching something so completely gruesome.

This post, by Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit, thinks the huge upswing in page views (he tallied over 200,000 views) by people looking for information on the beheading may, in fact, indicate a shift in how rational people get their news rather than listening to the gospel of the Big Media. Is he right? Who knows. I certainly hope so.

Biased, Or. . .

Mitch Berg, over at Shot In The Dark, had a recent post that touched on the topic of media bias or, more specifically, liberal media bias and liberal agendas.

I don't necessarily discount the existence of liberal bias in the media. After all, some of the recurring themes in the media today, such as abortion rights, gun control and environmental issues all have a decidedly liberal slant. Print and television broadcast media, I think, tilt more towards liberal idealogy, while talk radio leans more to the conservative side.

This is just my own 29-year-old, basically know-nothing mind working here; I have no facts and figures to back up these assertions, but from where I sit, they seem to ring true. I mean, if all the media is truly controlled by a liberal agenda, it would seem counterintuitive that three of the last four presidents have been basically conservative Republicans. So, although I don't disagree that liberal media bias exists, I don't think it's as pervasive or, for that matter, influential, as some people might think.

As I mentioned on Mitch Berg's site, I don't think it's liberal bias that sets the tone so much as it is an unspoken media agenda to displace whoever sits in the White House. I wrote, in response to an individual, Flash, who maintained that the media tends to favor the party in power:

Flash, I have to call "bullcrap" on you, not so much on your assertion that the media is conservatively biased (I think there's bias represented on both sides relatively equally), but on your claim that the media tends to lean toward the party in power. That's wrong. Bzzzzt, wrong answer! Prior to Nixon's Watergate, that may have been the case, and certainly Kennedy's Camelot was adored by the media despite extraordinary failings in the man both personally and politically. However, ever since Watergate and Woodward & Bernstein, the wary and allergically suspicious media has switched gears and they work around the clock to bring down whoever may be sitting in the White House, and it doesn't matter which party is in office. From Iran-Contra, to "No New taxes," to BJs in the Oval Office, to an "illegitimate" war, the media believes it has a duty to take down the sitting Prez. It's engrained in their thinking.

Unless you've been living under a rock, with your fingers in your ears, on the far side of Mars, you'd know that the media hasn't given Bush a "pass" on ANYTHING. It's the reading public that gives Bush a pass, which irritates the media something fierce. Each new poll that comes out that has Bush tied or leading Kerry leaves the talking heads in the Big Media nonplussed.

Just watch, if Kerry takes office, his seat won't be lukewarm before the media starts working to bring about impeachment on the man. Such is the legacy of Nixon.

The Nixon presidency forever changed the media mindset. Since Nixon, the media has veiwed those in power, rightly or wrongly, with extreme suspicion. As far as the media is concerned, a sitting president is guilty of something, anything, until proven innocent, at which point the president will be assumed to be guilty of something, anything, else.

I don't have the newsroom experience of Mitch Berg or James Lileks. I've only worked in two newspaper newsrooms, The Winona Daily News and The Stewartville Star, both of which pale in comparison to metro dailies, and my current job as news editor for a bunch of IBM magazines can hardly be considered newsroom experience. Still, one anecdote comes to mind that I think augments my point pretty well.

Back in the halcyon days of 1998, while working as a reporter for the Winona Daily News, at the phenomenal rate of $6 an hour, the newsroom was abuzz because then President Clinton was about to admit to the nation that he did indeed have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. Every television was tuned in to the event.

I remember it thusly: the cameras apparently came on nanoseconds before Clinton was ready, I think, and you caught a glimpse of the man taking a deep, uncertain breath, knowing full well he was about to make a statement that would basically fly in the face of everything he told the American public previously. I remember feeling just a little bad for the guy. I mean, there he was, being called on the carpet to admit he had sex with a fat chick. Got caught, damnit. I could relate. At 23 years old, that sounded like a typical weekend.

"Oh man! He's scared! He knows he's screwed!"

That came from one of the senior reporters crowded around the TV. He sounded giddy, almost truimphant. And the others gathered around twittered in agreement. That's when I realized that they all pretty much wanted the guy to fall, for no other real apparent reason but because he was the sitting president.

So, no, the media does not tend to skew in favor of the party in power. The media is suspicious of power in all its forms, except for the power of the media. Which is ironic, because I somtimes think the media is the most powerful entity on the planet and I think, at times, that the media needs its own suspicious media to hound them and keep their power in check.

And I think that's where bloggers come in.

Heads Will Roll

Holy crap on a popsicle stick! I've had over 300 page visits to this site during this morning alone, with 95 percent of the visits coming from Google searches looking for permutations on "beheading+in+Iraq."

I'm not sure if the visitors are coming here looking for news about the beheading, or if they're hoping to see the video itself. What I do know is that you'll never, never, EVER see me link to any such video, and if you're coming here hoping to view it, may I suggest you take a flying leap. Sick bastards.

UPDATE:

ANOTHER UPDATE: Okay, it's not all bad. At least one person came by looking for "socks+and+jocks+masturbation" and another person dropped by searching for I+sweat+a+lot+on+my+butt," so maybe the world is still in balance after all.

Also, searches for a list of female celebrities:

Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan. Leah Remini. Jennifer Garner. Angelina Jolie. Cameron Diaz. Uma Thurman. Britney Spears. Shakira. Nude. Lindsay Lohan. Jennifer Lopez. Mischa Barton. Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan. Leah Remini. Jennifer Garner. Angelina Jolie. Cameron Diaz. Uma Thurman. Britney Spears. Shakira. Leah Remini. Jennifer Lopez. Mischa Barton.

Good Point

If abuse of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. soldiers demands an accounting, so too does the world-wide conspiracy of bribery that helped prop up Saddam Hussein's torture-based regime. Now's hardly the time for the White House to be seen demanding anything less than full openness and accountability in any area of its Iraq policy.

Joshua's Gonna Hate Me For This, But. . .

If you've read this site at all within the past year or so, you know that I occasionally (by which I mean, all the damned time), end up mixing it up with one Joshua Norton, who I respect the hell out of but disagree with even more.

Anyway, what's always bothered me was that I had no mental visual image of Joshua, beyond thinking of him as a lumbering hulk of a man who could probably squash me with his thumb and forefinger.

But, gradually, I started thinking of him more and more in geeky terms. Lately, for some strange but entirely hysterical reason, I've been reading his site and his comments through a voice in my head that's high-pitched, whiney, and just a little bit nasal. I found that, by doing this, I could better absord his acerbic commentary. However, even though the voice in my head was extremely familiar, I couldn't figure out why. Until today, just now.

Combined with Joshua's own description of himself. . .

Kind of more of an Eric Bana / George Clooney combo (or so I've been told)-- except with glasses. And 6'4"

. . . along with the cartoon image of himself on the Noematic main page. . .

http://www.noematic.org/

. . . along with the conjured voice within my head, it came to me who Joshua reminds me of. He's the Encyclopedia Britannica Boy!

If you don't remember the Britannica Boy, be sure to thank your lucky stars each and every day.

(with sincerest apologies to Joshua Norton, who could no doubt squash my head with his thumb and forefinger)

weather Reports

Heh. The local newspaper for Rochester, Minn., is the Rochester Post-Bulletin, and it's a newspaper that thinks quite highly of itself, or at least the newspaper staff thinks quite highly of itself. I imagine the actual newspaper doesn't do much thinking at all.

I get a kick out of the P-B, or at least its local reporting. Some of the stuff they pass off as groundbreaking, front-page news is laughable to the core. Granted, I took it in the shorts quite awhile back when I wrote in complaining that they dedicated front page space to a story about a cat that had been set on fire. Boy, did I catch all holy hell for that one. Oops.

Anyway, their latest gem is an article, no doubt front page stuff, about the big thunderstorm we had last night. For sheer entertainment, it's tough to top a news article about weather that went through the night or day before. It lacks the immediacy of on-the-spot broadcast reporting, which features nutball reporters standing outside in blustery, dangerous conditions, telling the viewers it's a bad idea to stand outside in blustery, dangerous conditions. But, after-the-fact print stories are jam-packed with useful information you may have missed.

Since you have to have a password to read the article, I'll just paste in sections right here for your convenience.

Storms usher in hail and tornadoes

Monday, May 10, 2004

From staff and news service reports

A rapidly developing storm system spawned tornadoes, funnel clouds and hail as it swept from west-central Minnesota through the Twin Cities area Sunday.

Not a bad lead paragraph. It grabs the attention. I'm ready to learn more.

Tornadoes and funnel clouds were reported near Pennock and Eagle Lake in Kandiyohi County, near Litchfield in Meeker County, near Kimball in Stearns County, near Elk River in Sherburne County, near New Germany in Carver County, and near Greenfield and Maple Grove in Hennepin County.

I'm not sure which bothers me more here. The fact that the paragraph was so utterly boring, or that Minnesota has such red neck sounding counties.

In the southeastern corner of the state, however, only strong winds and some heavy rain were reported. No funnel clouds or significant damage were reported.

That almost comes across as sounding disappointed, dontcha think?

The National weather Service reported the heaviest rain in the area was 3.65 inches in Lake City, followed by 3.38 inches in Wabasha and 1.63 inches in Harmony. Other cities reported less than an inch. Rochester got 0.42 inch of rain from the storm; Austin, 0.52 inch; Preston, 0.3 inch, Dodge Center, 0.67 inch; and Grand Meadow, 0.64 inch.

Agh! Boring, boring, boring!

More rain is expected during the next several days, with highs in the mid-70s early in the week but dropping to the 60s by the end of the week.

Zzzzzzzz. *snort* Wha? You're still reading?

On Sunday, separate sets of severe thunderstorms rumbled across southern and northeastern Minnesota. A tornado touched down near Lismore in Nobles County in southwestern Minnesota.

Okay. That's enough with the facts and figures here. I'm dying! We need a local angle, and we need it NOW!

A tornado smashed the garage at the home of Jeff Johnson in largely rural Greenfield, scattering debris across his large back yard. He said he was on his deck celebrating Mother's Day with his wife, five daughters and mother-in-law when they felt the rain and wind starting to pick up.

"I was trying to get to the door to shut one of the doors. The door blew open, knocked me down, actually blew it off the hinges and knocked everybody else down," Johnson told the station.

One gets the impression that Jeff Johnson got excited that he was being interviewed and started embellishing toward the end there. "The door blew open, knocked me down, ACTUALLY blew it off the hinges and knocked EVERYBODY else down. Yeah, that's the ticket!"

Before they could get to the basement, the storm had passed, he said. Fortunately, they all escaped injury.

Either they have the most difficult basement in the world to obtain entry to, or that storm was one fast motherf*cker.

A turkey barn sustained some damage outside of Pennock

Funniest. weather. Story. Excerpt. EVER!

Tornadoes in the Willmar area turned the sky black with the dust they picked up from dry farm fields. Some homeowners found corn stalks blown into their yards by the storm.

Corn stalks? CORN STALKS! I could blow freakin' corn stalks into a yard. Big fricken' deal!

The skies turned dark as night as the storm hit downtown Minneapolis.

I'm thinking of Snoopy, sitting atop his dog house, writing "It was a dark and stormy night."

I shouldn't be poking fun here. I've written along these lines before.

People love to read weather stories, because people like to believe that the weather pattern they just endured was truly a historic experience. The very fact that they survived such a traumatic onslaught of Mother Nature’s wrath is testimony to their hearty survival instincts. In this case, "survival instincts" include sitting in front of the TV, eating canned soup, and stealing sidelong glances out the window at the menacing storm outside.

I’ve read countless storm stories. Truth be told, I’ve even had to write quite a few. weather story content always includes a treasure trove of humorous creative writing. If you ever find yourself under deadline pressures to write a quality weather story (hey, it could happen), keep the following tips in mind.

Be generous with adjectives and personification. Storms are really no more than random weather events that coalesce in random locations during random times of the year. However, a weather story that leads off "A random weather event coalesced over Rochester and surrounding areas yesterday afternoon," just wouldn’t grab a reader’s attention. Instead, make the storm come alive, and give it some human characteristics to make it seem particularly menacing. liberally use such terms as "blanketed," "engulfed," "swirled," "blackened," and anything else that has an evil undertone.

You can never have too many facts and figures in a weather story. Sure, it may have just been a light dusting of snow that fell for a couple of hours during the afternoon, but a quick perusal of weather history and a little imagination can produce the award-winning sentence, "for one-third of the afternoon yesterday, area residents endured a winter onslaught that dumped 2.5 inches of snow, a snowfall total that ranks 53rd in the state’s history." Really creative writers would say that "over one-sixth of a foot of snow fell." It’s important to milk every measurement to achieve the maximum "wow" effect from the readers. Find out how many businesses and schools closed, and always do an airport check to see if any flights were canceled or delayed (there’s always at least one, even without a storm). Are there cars in the ditch? Of course there are. Injuries? Don’t forget those.

Never forget the human interest angle. Every storm, no matter how big or small, is bound to have affected the life of somebody, somewhere. Maybe the Kendall family down the road had a window broken by the wind, and the snow accumulated in their bathroom. Or perhaps their family dog was impaled when an icicle snapped off the garage. Keep an open ear for any such angle. Your readers will thank you for it. The chance to read about another person’s misfortune will have the local coffee shop buzzing with good conversation for at least a week.

Never forget to focus on "what might have been." So, the storm missed you by 20 miles. So what? Now is the time to let speculation and conjecture run wild. People also like to read about how lucky they were to miss a horrific storm, so now is your chance to stoke that fire of interest. Twenty miles? In the whole scheme of things, and the vast expanse of the world, isn’t that really just a "near miss?" How much snow "could have" fallen? Six inches (half a foot)? What are the chances that a storm could miss by such a slim margin?

These are questions that can be answered by your friendly National weather Service, a group of meteorology professionals who are always good for a menacing "what could have been" quote. "I don’t know how that storm missed us," said Wayne Cloudburst, chief meteorologist at the National weather Service in LaCrosse, Wis. "If it had hit with its full potential, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Chances are I’d be floating dead in the Mississippi River, somewhere down by New Orleans. We were really lucky."

So, the next time there’s a big weather event of Satanical proportions about to engulf your area, be sure to read the newspaper the next day. Even if your dog was impaled by an icicle and your bathroom’s full of snow, you’re sure to get a good weather story laugh just the same.

Withdrawal

One of the most awful side effects of this whole moving-into-my-house drama is that I'll be without Internet access at home until at least Wednesday. I can't tell you how nervewracking it is not to have 24/7 Internet access when such a convencience has been readily available to me for basically five years straight.

I find myself looking at my computer, dissasembled and sitting forlornly in the basement, waiting for me to finish the office painting so I can set it all up again, and I want to play video games, and surf the Web, and write horribly bad short stories no magazine will ever buy!!! But, I can't!! I feel broken. Thank goodness I have Web access at work, or I'd probably go insane.

My House And A Thunderstorm

Saturday night marked the first time I actually stayed in my house.

After a hectic and back-breaking day of carting loads of trash to the local recycling center and moving all my worldly goods from rental apartment A to mortgage home B, I found myself in the cavernous emptiness of my home, feeling as though I had abruptly severed one thread of my life and started unspooling another.

It's weird. Pretty much the only room that truly "finished" is the main bedroom. Every other room is basically 3/4 finished, with tape rounding the perimeter of all the trim, waiting patiently for a layer of paint to cover the shame of the colors that preceded my ownership.

The oak hardwood floors have been resurrected with surprising beauty. I had no idea that they'd come to life so brilliantly after half a century of laying dormant beneath shaggy carpet and years and years of accumulated dirt. Granted, they took a lot of work, with sanding and staining and sealing, but they really do look fantastic.

But, ugh, there's so much more work to complete. It's disheartening to think of all the crap I have to do before I start to feel as though I'm nearing a "finished" state.

Last night, a thunderstorm rolled through, one of those spring storms that seem as though Mother Nature saved up all her cleansing fury for one storm to wash away all the remnants of winter and clean up all the sand and salt laid down from November through March.

Melissa was in bed, trying to study for her final logic exam, while I wandered out to the immense porch, where I sat and listened to the angry tempest pushing through. The porch was cool, with a stiff breeze wafting through the windows I had cracked open ever so slightly to allow air to pass but not the driving rain.

And, for perhaps the very first time since I signed away $120,000 worth of debt, I felt entirely content. I didn't worry about money, or dread all the painting that is still required in pretty much every room. I just sat and listened to the passing storm.

And then I went to bed. I slept at home.