U.S. Alert Level Set To Red Following Terrorist Arrest
Excessive Khalid Body Hair Said To Contain al Queda Signals
WASHINGTONE D.C. (Rhodes Media Services) -- The Department of Homeland Security hurriedly ratcheted up the nation's terror alert level to red, the highest level, after discovering potential hidden messages to al Queda within the outrageous body hair of recently captured terrorist mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.
"At first, we really kind of thought it was amusing that a man could be that hairy," said Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge. "But then we started seeing patterns in the hair that alarmed us and, finally, we realized that such a disgusting amount of hair could only be a message to al Queda to commence with their attacks."
Although Ridge couldn't specifically say what type of attacks to expect, he suggested that, whatever is on the horizon, it would likely be big.
"I mean, just look at all that hair," said Ridge. "There must be hundreds, perhaps thousands, of secret messages swirled within that shag carpet of a body."
Top U.S. codebreakers have been dispatched to the undisclosed location where Khalid is being held, where they will work to untangle the messages hidden in the body hair, which Ridge says is a "distasteful but necessary task."
I'm A Protester's Protester
As much as I disagree with them, I have to give the anti-war protesters credit for being able to mobilize their ranks and get out there and march. They're getting so good at marching, in fact, they may be better at it then the soldiers who are poised to march into Iraq.
After watching the drama unfold at all the peace gatherings that have taken place worldwide, I've come to the conclusion that protesting is the in thing to do.
Even though a lot of today's protesters don't appear to have any real coherent message, and sometimes they come up with such laughable concepts as the Lysistrata Project (which, contrary to popular belief, has nothing to do with Listerine), I have to give them credit, they're out there anyway, marching, marching, holding up signs and, perhaps most importantly, getting on T.V.
Despite the apparent difficulties inherent in being a protester, I can't stand on the sideline and watch the latest fad pass me by without whipping up my own protest. Therefore, I spent a considerable part of last week carefully orchestrating my own protest movement.
First and foremost, I needed a cause; something so profound that I would be guaranteed to garner a loyal following of like-minded protesters. I considered starting a "Make Ryan Rhodes Rich Beyond His Wildest Dreams" protest movement, but I decided a movement like that would probably only benefit me. No, I needed to organize a protest that could, in the end, help other people as well. That's just the kind of protester I am.
I briefly flirted with the idea of an "Anti-Junk Mail" movement. All my fellow protesters would strip completely naked, glue junk mail to their bodies, and march through U.S. cities chanting catchy slogans like "We don't approve of being pre-approved" and "Sweepstakes are the tool of the devil."
Again, fearing that I would have a tough time rallying a large enough number of protest troopers to my anti-junk mail movement, I decided to dig even further into my protest bag.
Finally, I meticulously crafted a protest certain to bring millions of people within my protest fold. Let it be known today that I am officially establishing the "Anti-Protest Movement." All who join will be asked to work tirelessly to bring an end to the protest web that is spinning its way across our country. We will protest day and night until the last protester throws up his or her hands and surrenders. If you wish to support my fledgling movement, I simply ask that you adhere to the following rules.
First, as a protest protester, you cannot reveal your identity to anyone. To do so will mark you as a protester and, under my movement, all protesters will be protested against.
Secondly, all members are asked to work tirelessly, at risk to their own safety, to not do anything even remotely protest-like. In other words, simply go about your daily routine as if you never even heard about the anti-protest movement. However, you are free to think all the anti-protest thoughts you want. You can even think of the anti-protest signs you won't be making and the protest gatherings that won't take place. This is a very tight-lipped movement.
Third, I've noticed that every good protest movement has solid lines of communication with its members. But, since all my protest members are anonymous, I ask that no protest protester talk about their non-actions to anyone. This rule coincides closely with the first rule, but it's so important I thought it should be underscored again.
Finally, I have to mention the difficult area of donations. After all, maintaining a protest movement like this is an expensive pursuit. All I ask is $5 per member, a fee that you obviously cannot pay because to do so would mark you as a protester, and we just can't have that in an anti-protest movement such as this. We don't want to be labeled hypocrites after all.
Let me take this moment to thank all of you who have just now joined my anti-protest movement and, judging by your silence, I can only assume there are millions upon millions of you. And thank you for your $5 non-donation. I can assure you that any money I don't receive won't be spent on anything even remotely anti-protest in nature.
Of course, I'm sure such a popular protest movement as mine is bound to give rise to copy-cat movements who will no doubt try to steal my thunder.
If that happens, I can only assure you that I will strenuously protest.
Ballroom Blix Revisited
Somebody actually visited my site after doing a Google search specifically for "Ballroom+Blix+Lyrics." That's flattering. I hope they found the entry. If not, it can be located in my January 3 archive.
Iraq Continues Destruction of Al Samouds
Hussein Calls U.N. Resolution "tough but fair"
BAGHDAD (Rhodes Media Services) -- Top Iraqi officials, including Saddam Hussein himself, are assuring U.N. officials that they are working around to the clock to dispose of the country's supply of Al Samouds.
"I can assure you that Iraq is in full compliance on this issue," said Iraq's deputy prime minister Tariq Aziz. "We're not sure what, if anything, destroying Al Samouds is supposed to accomplish, but we're willing to try anything to avert a war."
According to official reports provided to chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix, Iraq has, to date, disposed of 62 Al Samouds, including Abdul Al Samoud, Salih Al Samoud, Marouf Al Samoud, and Sarsam Al Samoud. The report said that several more Al Samoud executions are slated for the coming weeks.
"I think this U.N. demand is tough but fair," said Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. "Quite frankly, I've always thought that there are too many Al Samouds living in Iraq, and this provides a convenient way to get rid of them. I particularly liked finishing off Sarsam Al Samoud. He was always kind of a pain in the ass."
Mundhir Ibrahim al-Shawi, Iraq's minister of justice, said that a variety of techniques have been used to dispose of the Al Samouds, but he said that rifles and handguns at close range seemed to be the most effective.
A visibly shaken Blix responded to the Iraqi report, saying "I don't think they quite understand what we meant."
Martin Sheen Takes On New Role As Iraqi Dictator
New NBC Show To Be Called The Middle East Wing
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (Rhodes Media Services) -- Fresh from his recent appearance at an anti-war rally, actor Martin Sheen said he had accepted a new acting role as Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in a new NBC show called The Middle East Wing.
Sheen, who plays President Josiah Bartlett on the NBC drama, The West Wing, said the chance to portray Hussein was one that he simply couldn't pass up.
"Well, I figured that, since playing a U.S. president on television apparently makes me a total expert on American policy and politics, playing Saddam will make me an expert on Iraqi policy," said Sheen. "Just like playing Captain Willard in Apocalypse Now made me an expert on military action."
The learning curve for Sheen will be intense, especially considering that, when asked to locate Iraq on a world map, he pointed to California.
The new show will be a major departure from Sheen's West Wing role. Far from the polished and sterilized White House sets he's used to, Sheen will spend most of his time in a mock-up of an underground bunker, and the end of each show will feature the summary execution of one or more top Iraqi officials believed to be plotting against Hussein.
"Obviously, I deplore violence in any form," he said. "And, I think that, as the show grows in popularity, I'll be able to convince the producers to phase out the summary execution aspect of the show and focus more on the man who is Saddam Hussein. He's a father, you know, and I'm envisioning some touching scenes between Saddam and his sons."
As for the West Wing, producers say the show will continue, but with a Texas oil man as President, presumably to be played by Chuck Norris.
A Doggone Strange Idea
It's been awhile since I've found a quality piece of odd news, but I think A Brothel For Sex Starved Dogs should make up for lost time.
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German artist has applied for a license to open a brothel in Berlin for sexually frustrated dogs and says it will be the first of its kind anywhere.
First of its kind, eh? Funny no one thought of this before. How does one ascertain that a dog is sex-starved anyway? Does it hump your leg more violently than normal? Perhaps Rover flips through his latest issue of Playpet magazine a bit more longingly than usual. I really have to tip my hat to the reporter who got this scoop. Do you realize how many boring city council meetings he probably had to sit through before this one fell in his lap?
Karl-Friedrich Lenze, 54, said he planned to charge dog owners $27 per half hour of happiness.
That's robbery!
Ordinarily, I'd write this off as terribly bad idea, but really, some people love their pets so much, I can honestly see them coughing up $27 so Fido can get his groove on.
"If dogs can't get what they want, they get cranky -- just like people," Lenze told Reuters.
You can't have cranky sex-starved dogs running around. They join gangs and roam around looking for unwary joggers to drag down and rape.
The establishment would offer patrons a variety of carefully vetted "employees" of both sexes, rooms for private encounters and even a "bar" where customers could sniff out their preferred partners.
Okay, people, you can commence with your laughing, because this is one damn funny news item.
Bart Simpson in Rural Minnesota
For my birthday, myself, Mel, and a group of eight friends went to eat at a little place called the Canton Pub, which is a pub located in Canton. To say the Canton Pub is small would be a severe understatement, but they have some of the best soup on the planet, so they keep me coming back whenever I'm home.
So, we were sitting there, happily eating away, when I became aware that one of the pub workers was calling out to all the patrons, asking for a very specific individual, as per the request of whoever was on the phone with her.
"Craven Moorehead?!" she yelled. "Is there a Craven Moorehead?!"
I lost it right there, because that, by itself, was super funny. But then, she said it. . .
"Is anyone here Craven Moorehead?!"
I told Mel to raise her hand. By that time, the entire pub was rolling with laughter. When it finally dawned on the poor pub worker what she was saying, she turned about 10 shades of red.
Bart Simpson would be so proud.
Ever Have One of Those Days?
I can't be sure, but this guy has probably seen better days. In fact, I know he has.
That's the way it goes with international terrorism: one day you're masterminding your own business, and the murder of over 3,000 innocents, and the next you wake up in a Pakistani prison with severe bed head, wearing a filthy shirt that doesn't disguise your insane body hair.
Good riddance.
UPDATE: It just dawned on me that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed bears a striking resemblance (in the prison photo) to Bluto on Animal House. Sure, he's a more surly looking version of Bluto, and he probably has a lot more sodium pentothal in his bloodstream, but he still looks like Bluto.
Another Year
I'm now 28 years-old. And, once again, I don't feel any different, which obviously isn't supposed to be the case anyway. Still, I think back to when I was 25, and I see a world of intellectual growth between now and then. The things I believed then just don't apply any more, victim ideals that fell to the harsh blade of reality.
First and foremost, I've learned that it's easy to take the moral high ground, but I've found that I have to be able to defend, coherently, a moral high ground, and if I can't, I owe it to myself to explore the other side. I've changed my views on so many things because I simply got tired of defending myself with a sloppy "just because."
Let's see what year 28 holds.
Hate To Say I Told You So, But I Told You So
Sometimes, you just have to laugh.
