March 07, 2003

U.S. Alert Level Set To

U.S. Alert Level Set To Red Following Terrorist Arrest
Excessive Khalid Body Hair Said To Contain al Queda Signals

WASHINGTONE D.C. (Rhodes Media Services) -- The Department of Homeland Security hurriedly ratcheted up the nation's terror alert level to red, the highest level, after discovering potential hidden messages to al Queda within the outrageous body hair of recently captured terrorist mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.

"At first, we really kind of thought it was amusing that a man could be that hairy," said Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge. "But then we started seeing patterns in the hair that alarmed us and, finally, we realized that such a disgusting amount of hair could only be a message to al Queda to commence with their attacks."

Although Ridge couldn't specifically say what type of attacks to expect, he suggested that, whatever is on the horizon, it would likely be big.

"I mean, just look at all that hair," said Ridge. "There must be hundreds, perhaps thousands, of secret messages swirled within that shag carpet of a body."

Top U.S. codebreakers have been dispatched to the undisclosed location where Khalid is being held, where they will work to untangle the messages hidden in the body hair, which Ridge says is a "distasteful but necessary task."

Posted by Ryan at March 7, 2003 10:57 AM
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