And Iranian Justice for All
Here in America, if you've been indicted as a co-conspirator in the worst terrorist attack on US soil, and you try to enter a guilty plea, the judge may actually send you back to your jail cell to think hard and long about it (see Zacarias Moussaoui trial story). But in Iran, things work a little bit different. I'm referring, of course, to my beloved news of the odd.
Killer, Rapist to Be Thrown Off Cliff in Sack
TEHRAN (Reuters) - An Iranian man, convicted for raping and killing his 16-year-old nephew, will be executed by being thrown off a cliff in a sack, a newspaper reported on Thursday.
Now that's a tough judicial system! Imagine death row in Iran, with inmates praticing for their eventual cliff toss by slamming themselves repeatedly against the walls and their steel beds. "I WILL survive the cliff toss! I WILL survive the cliff toss!" Alas, such preparation would be in vain.
If the unnamed man survives the fall down a rocky precipice, he will be hanged, legal experts said. He has 20 days to appeal the court sentence.
Here's a thought. Maybe they could forego the whole "tossing him over the cliff in a sack" formality and skip right to the hanging. You know, save the Iranian people the tax expense for dry cleaning all those cliff tossing sacks. What really gets me about that sentence is "legal experts said." What kind of law school did these experts graduate from? "Let's see, I'll have to consult the precendents set in this case. I'm a little rusty in the area of cliff tossing.' I'm pretty well versed in 'hand and foot chopping,' but it's been awhile since I've tried a case involving the cliff tossing treatment."
Under Iran's Islamic law, applied since the 1979 revolution, pederasty, homosexuality and adultery are among a long list of crimes punishable by death.
I'm betting they don't watch a lot of "Will and Grace" over there in Iran.
Forgive Her, She's Blonde
rhodesr@us.ibm.com You should get roller blades. You could roller blade with me.
rhodesr@us.ibm.com And don't forget about the August wedding.
Tall Girl /August 14
Tall Girl ?
Tall Girl that was my parents wedding date
Tall Girl of course, they are divorced
rhodesr@us.ibm.com 17.
Tall Girl oh
Tall Girl well, close enough
Tall Girl I think rollerblading would be cool
Tall Girl you know I had a big accident a while back
rhodesr@us.ibm.com So, go get a pair.
rhodesr@us.ibm.com accident?
Tall Girl I fell down
rhodesr@us.ibm.com And?
Tall Girl slid across the pavement
Tall Girl torn up knees, arms, legs
Tall Girl I was crying
Tall Girl we were in a group
Tall Girl I was screaming
rhodesr@us.ibm.com You're 27 years old, for crying out loud.
Tall Girl take me to the hospital
Tall Girl I was 20 then
Tall Girl I'm not 27 for 7 more days
rhodesr@us.ibm.com You made it sound like the accident happened last week. You dumbass.
Tall Girl well, I got rid of my rollerblades
rhodesr@us.ibm.com Well, buy new ones. Sheesh.
Tall Girl I think I might
Tall Girl would you just be running?
rhodesr@us.ibm.com No, I have a pair of rollerblades.
Tall Girl cool
An Ode to Spammers
I checked my e-mail inbox today, as I so often do.
Many messages awaited me; in fact, 102.
There are many friends and family who send e-mails out my way,
But there is no one in my life named "Dr. Penis" or "debt Away."
Who is this "Madam Dominix" who wants to "Spank me till I hurt?"
And why are "Barely Legal Teens" offering to "Remove their shirts?"
I'm fairly happy with my penis size, though I have never measured,
And yet "Dr. Longwang" says a longer penis means longer pleasure.
I can't quite grasp the concept of a 27-year-old taking Viagra,
But "Jenny" with no last name says it will help me climax like Niagara.
I have no need for better mortgage rates, and my debt does not exist,
So the more I get these Spam e-mails, the more and more I'm pissed.
The faster that I click "Delete," the faster they come at me,
A Spam a minute I now count, and there's no end that I can see.
I do not need "XXX pics," and "Barnyard Fun" is disturbing,
The kind of shit people get off on is really quite unnerving.
I'll end by saying, "Knock it off" to all you Spammers out there,
What you opt to do instead of Spam, I really do not care.
As for the Spammers who will not stop, I offer up this curse,
May you be trampled by barely legal teens, or something far, far worse.
Perhaps your penises will grow and grow, until blood can't reach your head,
What good does a 20 inch penis do, when you're lying there all dead?
I hope that you get crushed by debt, and you're forced to go on the lam,
Because when you're running from the law, at least you cannot Spam.
I Really Don't Like This Bin Laden Guy
I like to think of myself as a pretty nice guy. I get along with most people, and I can tolerate those that really irritate me, and I don't get mean or violent unless somebody gets mean or violent with me first. Still, even though I've never met him, I have to say, I really don't like this Osama Bin Laden guy.
Now, I understand that he's somebody's son (one of over fifty siblings), and I imagine that he has quite a few friends that really enjoy his company but, overall, I wouldn't mind repeatedly delivering body blows and lacerating his internal organs for eight consecutive hours.
It's not that I'm being unreasonable. I have no doubt that he firmly believes in whatever laughable causes he professes to believe in, but every time I hear the term "9/11," I find myself harboring a deep dislike for the man, so much so that I wouldn't mind suspending him in a pool of animal waste for the remainder of his pathetic existence.
I can understand that he's a busy man, what with his agenda to destroy the American infidels and everything we represent (such as freedom of speech, gender and racial equality, and 99 cent coffee), but I kind of get tired of seeing his hairy face everywhere I go. For some reason, I'm gripped by a strong desire to knock out all his teeth and then make him swallow them, and then break his nose in such a way that it goes into his brain.
It's so unlike me to have these feelings and impulses, especially for someone I've never met. Perhaps if Mr. Bin Laden could come to Minnesota, we could get together for drinks and talk things through, and then I could break a bottle on the table and slit his throat from ear to ear. There I go again. What is it about this guy that gives me such an attitude?
I think it's because he's such an asshole.
