August 31, 2009

Hamming it up


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Bug Puns

Ryan: That's the only thing that keeps me from doing it. I'm scared of what the company might do to me. Even though all I would do would be to exploit a temporary bug in their program.

Caroline: bug exploitation doesn't carry a prison sentence

Ryan: In some states it might. Depending how badly you exploited the bug. Bug exploitation could lead to a house RAID.

Caroline: ooooo

Ryan: No telling if a lawyer could get you OFF!

Caroline: You'd have to keep notes of all the minor DEETS.

Ryan: You might want to Tweet the DEETS. Although, if I did write about it, things might work out like they did for Dooce. I could end up being the Citronella of the Ball.

Caroline: oh my sweet word

Ryan: LOL!

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Covered in "Duh"

As Dow nears 10,000 again, does it matter?
Experts say it could be sign of healthy economy, or overheated market

Soooo, it may be a good thing, unless it's a bad thing? Duly noted.

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Your Monday Dose of Geode

Caroline: What up boyeeeeeeeeeee?

Ryan: Zappening, my geological doppleganger?

Caroline: I'm just geodin'.

Ryan: Keeping it crystal?

Caroline: This could get really nerdy, really fast.

Ryan: You mean it didn't already?

Caroline: We toed the line.

Ryan: So long as we didn't toad the wet sprocket.

Caroline: I was always curious how they decided on that name.

Ryan: Weed was involved. And no doubt coke.

Caroline: Don't they cancel each other out when taken together?

Ryan: It makes you super imaginative, with the ambition to do something about it.

Posted by Ryan at 08:58 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 21, 2009

True Journalists

Caroline: 2,110 words. PHEW

Ryan: I knew you had it in you. We journalists can always dig deep when we need to.

Caroline: Sometimes we have to make stuff up

Ryan: Well sure, but we're okay with that. That's what makes us true journalists.

Caroline: We have that certain "meh" factor.

Ryan: When we sit down to write, we're determined to present the truth. Except when we're not.

Caroline: We present truth-esque statements.

Ryan: No direct quote is beyond our mangling. No data is beyond our ability to misrepresent.

Caroline: You misrepresentin'?

Ryan: YEAH I DO! I could easily sit down right now and write an article about how popular and successful the "Cash for Clunkers" program was. By the time I'm finished, you'd think it was the most well-thought-out and expertly-managed government program ever conceived.

Caroline: Didn't someone from already do that?

Ryan: Rather than a $3 billion financial black hole of incompentence.

Caroline: Well, had they named the bill that I doubt it would've passed. I could be wrong.

Ryan: is staffed with only the best journalists, like us.

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August 19, 2009

Payola for Pets? Why not?

It's official: the "Cash for Clunkers" program is a success, and politicians are dislocating their elbows patting themselves on the back for their genius. It's apparently now considered a success to realize and prove the obvious fact a lot of people will crawl over their own mothers to get a $4,500 discount on a new car.

Because the guiding principle behind our current government policy seems to consist primarily of dumping gobs of money we don't actually have on a whole bunch of things we don't actually need in the hopes of accomplishing things that don't actually work, I thought I'd throw out an idea the American political class may want to kick around, just in case any of them happen to be reading.

You see, since it's now considered a sound idea to buy perfectly good and functional equipment and destroy it for no particularly valid reason, I think the same concept should be extended to family pets.

Hold on. Hear me out here.

Just think about all the aging pets there are in this nation. There are literally millions and millions of family pets that have lived lives way beyond that which would be allowed in the wild.

The animal healthcare industry is bloated with canines with failing hips and felines lacking adequate teeth for proper food mastication. Sure, all these aged pets may be loved by adults and children alike. Fine. I'll grant that. But wouldn't all that money being spent so Rover can hop on the bed with some semblance of dignity be better spent on a brand new, shiny puppy? Therefore, I'm suggesting a "Payola for Pets" program. Just bring in any family pets deemed "past natural age," and receive $200 towards a new pet and pet equipment.

Now, you may be asking: "What's the benefit of the Payola for Pets program?" Well, have you ever seen an aged dog being walked by its owner? It's a slow and sad spectacle that would be exponentially improved if the old dog was, instead, a bounding puppy, playfully gnawing at its leash. Also, have you ever seen kittens playing? Two kittens wrestling or batting at a feather are both way cuter than the far-off, disinterested gaze of an older cat stretched out and shedding on your couch. The cuteness factor alone would pay for this groundbreaking program.

OK, maybe cuteness isn't your thing; you want an economic argument in favor of Payola for Pets. No problem! New pets cost money, almost immediately. They need shots and operations to prevent them from creating too many more new pets. In other words, new pets will result in an influx of quick, desperately-needed money into our economy. Payola for Pets will pay for itself within six months, based off numbers and data I'm making up right now as I write this, which is pretty much exactly how the government comes up with its numbers and data.

Of course, there's the touchy subject of just what will be done with all the discarded, "clunker" pets. Rest assured, they will be euthanized as humanely as possible, using the most cost-efficient methods you've come to expect from government-run programs. As an added bonus, all clunker pets will be recycled via the "Soylent Alpo" program.

Once the government has adopted my Payola for Pets program, I'll divulge my idea for trading in grumpy and difficult-to-deal-with teenagers, which operates on pretty much the same principle.

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August 18, 2009

Geode Twins Radio Show Slogan


Alternatively, there's Caroline's version:

Geode Motto.jpg

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August 17, 2009

What has been seen, cannot be unseen


I'm going to guess. . .

Two old people about to kiss a chalice, whilst two mariachi singers serenade on their faces.

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August 14, 2009

No sir, I don't like it

I saw a television commercial last evening for something called "LiverAid." I'm not sure what the product is intended to do, but I do know you can't have an anthropomorphized cartoon liver as your mascot. It just looks wrong, somehow. I think it's the protruding lobe that makes it look like some sort of Gumby knock-off.

Posted by Ryan at 03:14 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 11, 2009

Let's boogie

Obama: Health critics creating 'boogeymen.'

Now, if the critics would just create "Boogie Nights," then I'd be interested, provided Heather Graham reprises her role as "Roller Girl."

Posted by Ryan at 12:41 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 06, 2009

Thoughts From an Expectant Father

Last week marked the start of birthing (formerly called lamaze) classes for me and my wife. Since I likely won't be doing much in the way of birthing, the classes are more geared towards my wife; I'm included, I believe, mostly as a reminder that I'm somewhat responsible for the pregnant situation she's currently in, or at least I THINK I am. I better be. . .

I was not looking forward to birthing classes, because quite honestly I can cram a lot of television watching into two hours on a Tuesday night, which is frankly far more interesting to me. Being herded into a classroom filled with other expectant couples is a stark reminder I'm in my thirties and have to give up my own personal dreams and ambitions.

I kid, of course. I'm actually excited about becoming a father, which is tempered somewhat by the shooting pangs of stark terror that can jolt me awake at night. Aside from said pangs, impending fatherhood holds much appeal for me, not the least of which is the chance to educate the next generation about the endless joys of toilet humor.

From what I've experienced, however, birthing classes have very little to do with toilet humor and everything to do with having a baby, so I naturally have a hard time paying attention.

I spent a disturbing amount of time during our first class playing with a rotating information disk that explained what my baby will be able to do after three months and up to five years. Having read that disk extensively, I can tell you that my child's accomplishments up to and including five years don't sound like they're going to be all that impressive. What I can't tell you, however, is about two thirds of what our instructor told us that first night. I found the disk far more engaging.

I learned, for example, that my baby will be able to hold up its head after six months, to which I thought "I do that every day!" The more I read that disk, the more I realized babies today don't have much in the way of expectations in front of them. Oh, you'll be able to coo and recognize shapes? Well, congratulations. I was able to do the same exact things back in college after a particularly long night of partying. Here's your "minor accomplishment" ribbon.

Being the excited yet acerbic father-to-be that I am, I couldn't help but think of things I wanted to add to that disk so it would reflect some of the things I think my baby should be able to accomplish at the given developmental intervals.

For example, while it's great that my baby should be able to walk and recognize simple words at 12 months, I don't think it's too much to ask that the child should also be able to do push-ups and calculate some some simple mathematical equations. If the child can do both at the same time, all the better.

At two years, the disk informed me my child will be able to run and jump, which is great and all, but any human being with that sort of energy level is clearly ready to start earning some money to help defray household expenses.

I won't go into what the disk said I should expect after five years. Suffice it to say, "Establishing a viable moon colony," wasn't on the disk, which I think is an egregious oversight, as such an accomplishment is more than reasonable for a five-year-old, in my opinion.

My child is going to hate me so much.

Posted by Ryan at 01:08 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack


Apparently, when Twitter takes a dump on the Internet, my blog traffic bumps up. Who knew?

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Keeping my options open

Twitter is apparently down. Which is why I carry the Blog Express Card. Never log-in to the Internet without it.

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August 05, 2009

Bill Boyne Has Water on the Brain

One nice thing about having a blog. . . er. . . ThunderJournal, is when your comment on a news article is deemed uncivil and hence deleted, you can just port the whole lame article to your site and mock it directly.

Scientists have predicted a worldwide water shortage that eventually could take the lives of billions of people.


Eventually, I could have a chance of scoring with Salma Hayek and Sarah Chalke in an epic threesome, on the same day 12 asteroids collide with the earth. Hey, it COULD happen EVENTUALLY.

I love how it COULD EVENTUALLY take the lives of BILLIONS of people. Seeing as the global population is estimated at just shy of 7 billion, old Boyne is claiming a good chunk of the world population is destined to go down to a non-watery grave. That's some top-notch Chicken Little writing there, Boyne.

The shortage is one of the most damaging effects of global warming, according to an Associated Press report in 2007.

Apparently, Bill lives in the "World of Two Years Ago," which must be convenient, since locally we're undergoing one of the coolest summers on record.

Parts of the world already are experiencing water shortages, but a United Nations agency has predicted increasingly dangerous consequences.

Parts of the world have ALWAYS experienced water shortages; it's hardly a new phenomenon. I wonder if the ancient Egyption equivalent of Bill Boyne (Tutankamboyne?) scrawled doomsday reporting on the pyramid walls any time the Nile didn't adequately inundate the delta.

The report -- by the U.N.'s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change -- includes the following predictions:

Ah, yes, the IPCC. Like Sex Panther, 60 percent of the time, it works EVERY TIME.

• "By 2050, more than 1 billion people in Asia COULD face water shortages. By 2080, water shortages COULD threaten 1.2 billion to 3.2 billion people, depending on the level of greenhouse gases that cars and industry spew into the air ...

Monkeys COULD fly out of my butt, which itself is spewing greenhouse gases into the air on a daily basis.

• "By 2080, between 200 million and 600 million people COULD be hungry because of global warming effects.

I COULD fall down a manhole after work and discover a river of slime flowing beneath the city; slime that is adversely affected by people's mood. We COULD have to call in the Ghostbusters.

• "About 100 million people each year COULD be flooded by 2080 by rising seas."

Wait a minute. . . I thought there was going to be a water SHORTAGE. I'm so confused.

Other scientists have made similar observations.

And still other scientists have, you know, NOT made similar observations.

Mike Hightower and Suzanne Pierce, water experts at Sandia National Laboratories, have suggested a number of steps that society COULD take to reduce the danger of water shortages.

The following water shortage reduction tips are brought to you by healthy grants and donations from concerned groups and citizens that want to make sure you worry yourself into the ground.

They have said that it is possible to clean and make use of nontraditional water sources such as wastewater, brackish groundwater, seawater and extracted mine water. They say that the reuse of wastewater is growing by 15 percent per year.

Mmmmm. Serve me up a nice smoldering glass of that brackish groundwater. And, wait a minute again here. If wastewater reuse is growing by 15 percent per year, isn't that a positive sign that maybe the sky-is-falling rhetoric from the opening paragraph may be a bit. . . hyperbolic?

For example, they said, electric power plants COULD use wastewater, sea water and brackish ground water instead of fresh water for cooling and processing.

In fact, Toowoomba, a city in Australia, has applied that policy in a way that many would oppose: Residents have been drinking recycled sewage water. People in parts of Australia have become desperate because of recurring droughts in the 18th, 19th, 20th and 21st centuries.

Take a swig from an Aussie's cantine, and you could end up with a severe case of the Toowoomba trots, apparently. And, gosh, droughts have been recurring going back to the 18th century, eh? It's almost as if parts of Australia have difficult-to-predict longterm weather patterns or something.

According to a report by the Australian National Climate Centre, "For the 24-month period from July 2007 to June 2009, serious to severe rainfall deficiencies are evident over most of central, southern and eastern Victoria as well as the lower South East district."

Bill Boyne: throwing together crap and hoping it's somehow coherent for, well, for far too long, really.

Most of the agricultural areas in southern Australia, southeastern Australia and parts of central Australia have been affected.

Soooo, parts of Australia have been affected by Australian droughts. Noted.

The United Nations Intergovernmental Panel report includes a bit of good news: Many -- but not all -- of the effects of the global water shortage COULD be prevented if the world slows carbon dioxide emissions within a generation and the level of greenhouse gases stabilizes.

You kind of have to sit back and really admire the way this guy deals out the "coulds." By my count, he's whipped out that qualifier eight times in a single column.

That is hardly an optimistic view, but it gives support to the global effort to attack the causes of global warming.

There's really no way to adaquately wrap up this stinker than with the good old "The Price Is Right" FAIL horns.

By the way, the comment that was deleted for being uncivil?

"I'm just glad I don't live in Boyne-World. It is a silly place."

Uncivil? REALLY? I've engaged in online comment sparring that makes that thing look like a toddler and puppy playing in a sandbox.

Posted by Ryan at 06:30 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Taint Talk

Caroline: I was just about to send your article to pinup and I did a spell check. Turns out "containts" isn't a word. I assumed you wanted to say contains, so that's what it is now. I laughed quietly to myself.

Ryan: No, it's a word that means "false perineums."

Caroline: From the Latin

Ryan: Taintus Imposteratus.

Posted by Ryan at 10:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 04, 2009

Math is hard

A man went to cash in his clunker,
An '83 Chevrolet junker.
"$4,500?!" he hollered.
"It's worth $100 dollars!"
Could government be any more drunker?

Posted by Ryan at 11:07 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 03, 2009

Gosh, consider me convinced

This kind of reminds of me of the "mark to market" kind of thinking that worked so well for Enron, back in the day:

Its allies claim that CBO forecasts, for instance, don't reflect potential future cost savings that might be expected from the prevention of illness achieved from wider health care coverage.

My current financial situation doesn't reflect the potential that I might trip on a bag full of cash on my way to my car after work, either. If I factor that possibility into the mix, then everything looks like roses and unicorn farts.

Posted by Ryan at 02:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

At Least They're Staying True to the Medium

With news organizations around the globe now embracing blogs after over a half decade of talking trash about them, it's nice to see they also bring all the misspellings, grammatical errors and half-researched content to the medium they derided for so long. Welcome aboard, guys. It's the Internet; there's plenty of room for everyone.

Posted by Ryan at 12:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Go figure

I could live for 150 more years and never be able to adequately understand the ongoing obsession with Sarah Palin. If I had my way, I would have heard the last of her last November. But, no, the media obsession with her has kept her on the radar way the hell past her "Of Interest" date.

That, and John and Kate Gosselin. They need to go away, too.

I mean, Jeebus. I've heard less about George W. Bush in the last six months, and he was PRESIDENT for most of the decade.

Posted by Ryan at 11:31 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
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