August 19, 2009

Payola for Pets? Why not?

It's official: the "Cash for Clunkers" program is a success, and politicians are dislocating their elbows patting themselves on the back for their genius. It's apparently now considered a success to realize and prove the obvious fact a lot of people will crawl over their own mothers to get a $4,500 discount on a new car.

Because the guiding principle behind our current government policy seems to consist primarily of dumping gobs of money we don't actually have on a whole bunch of things we don't actually need in the hopes of accomplishing things that don't actually work, I thought I'd throw out an idea the American political class may want to kick around, just in case any of them happen to be reading.

You see, since it's now considered a sound idea to buy perfectly good and functional equipment and destroy it for no particularly valid reason, I think the same concept should be extended to family pets.

Hold on. Hear me out here.

Just think about all the aging pets there are in this nation. There are literally millions and millions of family pets that have lived lives way beyond that which would be allowed in the wild.

The animal healthcare industry is bloated with canines with failing hips and felines lacking adequate teeth for proper food mastication. Sure, all these aged pets may be loved by adults and children alike. Fine. I'll grant that. But wouldn't all that money being spent so Rover can hop on the bed with some semblance of dignity be better spent on a brand new, shiny puppy? Therefore, I'm suggesting a "Payola for Pets" program. Just bring in any family pets deemed "past natural age," and receive $200 towards a new pet and pet equipment.

Now, you may be asking: "What's the benefit of the Payola for Pets program?" Well, have you ever seen an aged dog being walked by its owner? It's a slow and sad spectacle that would be exponentially improved if the old dog was, instead, a bounding puppy, playfully gnawing at its leash. Also, have you ever seen kittens playing? Two kittens wrestling or batting at a feather are both way cuter than the far-off, disinterested gaze of an older cat stretched out and shedding on your couch. The cuteness factor alone would pay for this groundbreaking program.

OK, maybe cuteness isn't your thing; you want an economic argument in favor of Payola for Pets. No problem! New pets cost money, almost immediately. They need shots and operations to prevent them from creating too many more new pets. In other words, new pets will result in an influx of quick, desperately-needed money into our economy. Payola for Pets will pay for itself within six months, based off numbers and data I'm making up right now as I write this, which is pretty much exactly how the government comes up with its numbers and data.

Of course, there's the touchy subject of just what will be done with all the discarded, "clunker" pets. Rest assured, they will be euthanized as humanely as possible, using the most cost-efficient methods you've come to expect from government-run programs. As an added bonus, all clunker pets will be recycled via the "Soylent Alpo" program.

Once the government has adopted my Payola for Pets program, I'll divulge my idea for trading in grumpy and difficult-to-deal-with teenagers, which operates on pretty much the same principle.

Posted by Ryan at August 19, 2009 11:24 AM | TrackBack
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