Bangkok, Oriental setting
And Carradine don't know what Carradine is getting
The creme de la creme's on the window drapes
All are wondering why Dave missed dinner.
Time flies -- doesn't seem a minute
During asphyxiation, time has no limit
All change -- don't you know that when you
Wank at this level, death's on the menu
It's icy hand -- or a filled up penis -- or hangings -- or --
or "OH" face!
One night in Bangkok and you're privately cloistered
The drapes have drawstrings that fit your neck to a "T."
You'll reach orgasm, and blow your oyster
And if you're lucky you won't die on me
Lack of O2, you can barely breathe.
This wank's very unlike another
When your neck's drawn tight with a drawstring, brother
It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To be looking at your wang, and it's the last thing you see.
Whaddya mean? Ya seen one hanging, masturbating, slowly dying --
Tea, girls, warm, sweet
Surely beats dying in your hotel room suite
Get Tied! You're just another tourist,
And your final move was not the purest.
You got your kicks at about the waistline, sunshine.
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between death and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the kinky guys tumble
Can't be too careful keeping yourself company
Lack of O2, you can barely breathe.
No one's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of neck muscle fitness
Your grip's more than would be expected
On something so old, yet still erected.
And thank God you were only wanking at the time -- controlling it --
I don't see other guys rating
The kind of wank you're contemplating
He'd let you watch, he would invite you
But the technique he uses would not excite you
So you better go back to your Web porn, your magazines, your DVDs --
One night in Bangkok and you're privately cloistered
The drapes have drawstrings that fit your neck to a "T."
You'll reach orgasm, and blow your oyster
And if you're lucky you won't die on me
Lack of O2, you can barely breathe.
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between death and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the kinky guys tumble
Can't be too careful keeping yourself company
Lack of O2, you can barely breathe.
This week, the world was once again treated to yet another audio tape released by perpetual bogeyman, Osama bin Laden. As news events go, such taped releases now carry more news heft than NBA playoff updates, but less than any development surrounding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Leaving aside the fact my personal belief is bin Laden has been a lifeless crimson stain on a cave wall for several years now, my primary problem with the latest audio release is just how outdated and unsophisticated it actually was.
You see, back in 2001, bin Laden and terrorist organizations like al Qaeda were often lauded by the press for their savvy use of media propaganda. Back then, video footage of bin Laden sitting in front of a sheet with a phallic AK-47 next to him, calling for global jihad, was considered sophisticated and media savvy; this despite the fact my friends and I made similar videos about our favorite cartoons in our parents' basements back in fifth grade.
Nowadays, "bin Laden" is limited to audio tapes, which is just kind of pathetic and woefully outdated. I mean, he could at least have the courtesty to start a blog. Blogspot and other blog hosting services are totally free, provided bin Laden is okay with infidel advertising running across the top banner. Is it really too much trouble for today's premier terror figure to post weekly updates on "Blogging Bin Laden" or "Bin Bloggin'"?
Or the guy could even just maintain a FaceBook or MySpace page. Online social networking is currently all the craze. Then again, maybe bin Laden's afraid that one girl he dated back in Jihad High will find him and start stalking him again; the CIA has nothing compared to that girl's mad stalking skills -- she'll locate him within a week.
Or Twitter! For crying out loud, Twitter is about the easiest way to stay connected online that there is, and you don't have to write more than 140 characters. Twitter would be perfect for someone who is always on the go like bin Laden, provided he's still drawing breath. Heck, I can almost imagine a typical bin Laden Twitter dispatch:
"Spent last night in a cave. Plan on spending tonight in another cave. My back is killing me. Remember everyone: Death to the West! LOL!"
The point is, audio tapes are just entirely too antiquated. At the very least, if "bin Laden" is determined to maintain the audio route (which is fine, some people aren't comfortable in front of a camera), he should at least learn how to create Podcasts. People today are on the go; if they really want to hear bin Laden's latest rant, they want the ease and convenience of downloading it to their iPod so they can listen to it on the bus on the way to work.
And don't even get me started on how he should leverage Blu-Ray.
The news about the Hummer SUV brand being sold to a Chinese company opens all sorts of jokes about Humvees made of lead, with narrow headlights, to say nothing of how you can fill up a Chinese Humvee's gas tank, but it just needs to be filled again three hours later. Why am I the only one delivering teh funnay here?
I'm thinking it might be a fun project to take some of the texts from "Texts From Last Night" and put them in Lego cartoon form. That seems like a humorous thing to do.
